How to STOP blaming yourself?! It has been only 4 days...

[dalimili18]

Well I passed that phase.... Today is exactly 1 month since he died.

Now I know he was in status epilepticus. A very mild state of epilepsy, it took me hours to realise that, but that night I did nothing, except gave him tablet for epilepsy and strokes his nose and hold his head whole night hoping it will be better and that the tablet will make it all better... obviously these epileptic seizures are so mild that with a cat like he was (not able to move) it was hard to notice at first... I cried whole morning again knowing this... I feel horrible now because of this... It was partly my fault for not recognising it sooner and delaying with the vet.

Sometimes when a cat has a lot of different diseases you are not sure anymore what is a disease and what is a life threatening status. With him it was hard to know sometimes. He went through so much of different stages where many cats would be put down...

Anyway, I feel awful, terrible and I know my part of the blame. I always knew he was going to do because of epilepsy, but I always imagined it as a big seizure which all of us would recognize... His seizures were really fierce usually and lastin up to 40 seconds or more ... but these were like a 3 second long seizures and then he would fall asleep (or who knows what type of state now!)...

 

[shovetheholly]

I am thinking of you today.  It is hard when you pass these grief milestones.

I don't think it was your fault at all.  Your cat was very ill.  You did everything that you could.  I highly doubt that first aid would have helped him.  The fact that he was getting colder tells you that he was gone - no epileptic seizure would cause his body temperature to fall like that.  The terrible limpness where all of the nerves and sinews are slack happens just after they pass.  

Cats are only little.  They have small, fragile bodies.  They are great at bouncing back from things when they are younger, but as they get older and they have complex pathologies (lots of co-morbidities, decreasing quality of life) they struggle more and more to recover.  In the end, it all becomes too much and nature puts them out of their pain if we do not decide to advance the decision a little for her.

I know that it is very, very hard to accept.  I wonder if it might help if you look up the 'seven stages of grieving' on the internet.  One of the early ones is 'denial', and I humbly suggest that this might be what you are going through now.  You can't bear the fact that he has gone, so you are denying it and beating yourself up about it, telling yourself that there were things you could have done.  Please listen to those of us who say that you did do everything you could, but that in the end, death is sadly always victorious.  You can't beat death.  You can't outwit it, and it is blind to love and to care.  It is no reflection on you or the quality of your love for your cat that, in the end, the inevitable happened.

 

[dalimili18]

You know, I am sad by what I realised today, but also I am somewhat very, very slowly accepting everything and putting things in perspective.

Also, what is interesting is that certain memories from the past are coming to life and I am starting to remember more and more of the last 14 years as days go by and I am less consumed with what happened that last evening.

It is a hard and long road ahead, but I have a feeling I am getting there very, very slowly...

Yes, I did read the stages of grief and  I think you never pass that denial stage, you go by it, but then some days it comes back at you for a few hours... anyway, I think I am trying to rationalize everything and make sense of it..

 

[pharber-murphy]

Hi, Dalimili. I just wanted to check in to see how you're doing since you got the information from your vet. I hope you're keeping well and that your grief has abated some.

Best regards.

 

[dalimili18]

Hey PHarber-Murphy, that was very kind of you, to follow up on how I was. I really appreciate it.

I didn't go to vet or ask him anything, but according to his first email which I sent a day after my beloved baby died, he probably was in ending renal phase which triggered a very mild but ongoing status epilepticus (I sent him a video that I took only 6 minutes before he died).

He must have died due to a seizure (blood cloth probably) early in the morning. He was a very sick baby, I nearly forgot how many visible, let alone unvisible issues my baby had. But I learned to live with it, for me it was always "he is not suffering and he wants to live until he has the drive to eat, not drive but full on desire for food" and he had that right up until last day or two. He really loved to eat.

How I am coping with it in the last few days?

The pain is very raw for instance, in the first month it was just painfull and I had no will to eat, drink, take care of myself. Now I am getting back into life and things, but the pain is much more raw and primal. The loss is very real and I am dealing with what he meant to me. I still cry, I think I cry more on daily basis, it hits me very hard, but that usually last a couple of minutes and then I can move on, as to before it just paralysed me. I still have "what if..." or "why.." moments.

I didn't put him to sleep, because with him it was very sudden and I wasn't sure what was going on. He died naturally. I just recently took a look at that video I took before he died, he seemed extremly calm, those seizures were very, very mild, like a 2-3 second disapprovement, it was hard to tell them apart in the beginning.

He used to have seizures that would last for days, but I never noticed them, until my vet once told me those little signs could be ongoing seizures, so it is very rough and hard for me and him.

Also 3 years ago he went to vet for bladder issues and the vet suggested renal friendly food, but he never told me it was best to have him on that diet until he dies. I just assumed it was until his bladder condition gets better, so after a half a year I started giving him organic protein rich food, which is not as juicy and so his kidneys got even less water, while I was thinking to myself, how great of me that I am feeding him with a healthy option....

I always said, I will not put him down up to that moment where he is in pain or suffering. Also I always knew he would die of a seizure, but in my mind it was always the big one, the one that shakes them hard for 2-3 minutes and then they die... well, that wasn't the case. It was a darn very, very mild one.

P.S. I still don't have a new cat. I have a dream where he will be reincarnated and he will come back to me when the time was right for him...

 

[dalimili18]

I feel like I have lost him so many times before and had so many different versions of him in that time. I don't think I have loved anyone as much as I loved him. Especially in the last couple of years when his walking deteriorated and he needed so much more of me. I would never ever have exchanged him for any healthy kitty. I always somehow hoped that we would be able to make him walk again, even as he became more and more rigid and stiff.

It hurts me the most that I will never have the chance to hold him, touch his nose, have him nibble on my finger *he loved that...  see him squint at me or make grouchy noises everytime I bring food for him.

misko2.JPG

• dalimili18
• Apr 2, 2015

 

[dalimili18]

Yesterday it was 40 days.

They went so fast, they went so slow, but I survived them somehow.

There is not a minute, a second that you are not on my mind, even when I think I am not thinking about you, I actually am. I do. Always. And sometimes I am tougher, sometimes I don't break and cry, and then I am weak and needy and I want to cry myself to sleep.

I miss you more than I missed anyone or anything ever in my life.

I love you endlessly and I hope you are in so much better place than me.

 

[catconcern]

You poor lad. You're a good man dalimili. God bless you pal.

 

[di and bob]

You put into words the feelings and emotions many of us have, Dalimili, somehow you describe what I couldn't. I cry for us all.

 

[nurseangel]

He certainly was a precious cat...that pink nose and expressive face.  Dalimili, I've seen many of your posts and your kindness here is a blessing.  I also think it is a lovely tribute to the memory of your cat, helping others with your words of comfort.

 

[Loving Mickey]

Oh, your kitty was such a beauty and obviously so very much loved. I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are feeling. Believe me, I can understand that pain all too well as many people on this site can. It is truly devastating when we must lose our special kitty. The pain can be so unbearable at times. I wish I could say that it gets easier and some people say it does. For me, it really hasn't . It is nine months now since my Mickey's loss and I still cry frequently over that loss. I hope in time my heart will heal some. I hope your heart will heal as well.
Take Care!
Remember your baby with love and happy memories!

 

[dalimili18]

Well, 10 days ago I rescued a very ill cat who was malnourished, had a temperature, cold an inch and a half big nail in her hind legs and her leg was really smelling and bald patches over her skin.

After 5 days of therapy she seemed to be eating fine and she seemed much better.

Anyways 2 days ago she started refusing food and acting lethargic, after a quick visit to vet it was discovered that she was FIV and FLV positive, also she seemed to be missing half of her teeth and she was only 1 pound in weight and possibly 5 or 6 years old. There was not a lot they could have done. They suggested that we put Frida (the name we gave her) down.

Ofcourse I was sad, I really thought I could save her and offer her a better life, but it seems like when it is destined it is destined, regardless of what you do, or not do.

So in a way it helped me come to terms with the loss of my cat, there was probably not a lot that could have changed his outcome and things happened for a reason, not sure what, but we will see soon...

Goodbye little Frida... I hope you get to play with my Misko together over the rainbow bridge.

This is Frida after the therapy...

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• dalimili18
• Apr 17, 2015

This is Frida the night before we put her to sleep...

IMG_2848.JPG

• dalimili18
• Apr 17, 2015

 

[Kat0121]

How sad. That poor little girl. 

 There wasn't anything that could be done. She was so ill. You did the most compassionate thing possible for her. Who knows how long that poor baby would have suffered? Misko very well could have been the one who guided Frida to you. He knew that you would be the friend she needed when she needed one the most. He was right. I have no doubt that he greeted her at the bridge and is helping her get settled. Bless you for helping her despite the fact that you were still grieving so much for your boy. That's a sign of a truly loving soul. 

   

 

[di and bob]

You are definitely the cat's guardian angel to love these sweet babies so much and care for them the way you do. I broke down and cried when I saw how sick that precious Frida looked, bless your heart for making her last days be those of love and warmth. I just want to cry when I think of all the cats that so desperately need someone to love them. Bless you for having such a big heart to help those in need. I'll say a special prayer for you, you so greatly deserve it. Take care, and THANK YOU!  RIP sweet Frida, you will not go unforgotten in this world, thanks to this wonderful human being!

 

[pharber-murphy]

What a sweet little girl. I'm very sorry that Frida couldn't be saved, but you did everything you could for her. At least, she found you before her last days - I know that you helped ease her pain and suffering. And I'm happy to read that Frida helped you come to terms with the loss of Misko. They'll be so happy together waiting for you across the bridge.

I echo Di and Bob - Thank You for being such a kind, generous, warm-hearted person.

Thank you, Dalimili.

Best regards.

 

[shirley7]

Hello, just wondering how you are making out...I found this site because I lost my cat, my best friend and I need so much support

 

[Kat0121]

 
Hello, just wondering how you are making out...I found this site because I lost my cat, my best friend and I need so much support

I'm so sorry for your loss.  

Many of us know how you feel. Losing a pet is no different than losing any other family member. What was your cat's name?

 

[marrin713]

Hello, just wondering how you are making out...I found this site because I lost my cat, my best friend and I need so much support

I'm sorry for your loss. Just went through this ourselves.