How to STOP blaming yourself?! It has been only 4 days...

[dalimili18]

Soon it will be 3 weeks and I still cry every single day... I really can not see this ending soon.... I feel so sad. Does it always hurt so long....

 

[Kat0121]

 
Soon it will be 3 weeks and I still cry every single day... I really can not see this ending soon.... I feel so sad. Does it always hurt so long....

I'm so sorry. it will get better. The day will come when memories of him will make you smile instead of cry. You gave him a wonderful life full of love and friendship. Every cat should be so lucky as to have someone like you to love them and care for them. Hang in there. it will get a little better day by day. You have to give yourself time to grieve. 

 

[ct200]

Don't blame yourself, it's your loss not his and really hurts, but if you can get through the pain, think he lived his life with so much love and happiness and its a whole life which iis not a life span human life. An animal whole life is a human child, we go on.

 

[catwoman707]

 
Soon it will be 3 weeks and I still cry every single day... I really can not see this ending soon.... I feel so sad. Does it always hurt so long....

I tend to steer clear of threads as this one, I have felt such loss and try to spare myself drudging up the memories of how terrible the pain is.............

It's always hurtful to know of another as you are, suffering this great loss.

Just a couple things I wanted to share.

One thing that has a slight way of helping, is the fact that cats are not as humans are about death, it is a natural part of life, and they don't resist as we do, nor do they hurt beforehand about missing you or worrying about you when they go, there is not that fear, it's a transition.

So you can what if or I should have all day long, but you are simply beating yourself up for nothing. Or maybe because you think you deserve it because you did not take him to the vet? Maybe, but how many times in our lives has hindsight been so much clearer than our judgements at the moment? 

At that time, if you had known that not taking him would result in his death you surely would have, but you didn't. You couldn't have. 

If you had taken him, then what? Would it have changed the damage he went through, and saved him? With good quality of life too? Likely not my friend. It may have given you the choice of deciding it was his time, you may have been able to save him for a bit longer but on meds, but bottom line is, he was ready. You weren't, but he was. Something in his body failed, and it's no fault of yours or anyone's.

So it's okay, cry yourself a river, it's all part of working through the trauma of loss, which is exactly what we go through with such a great loss, trauma to our hearts, minds, bodies and our inner souls.

Every time you cry for him, you are just a tiny bit closer to acceptance. So let yourself cry as much as you want, it's our way of releasing overloaded emotions.

I also have to believe that while they may be gone from our sight, their energy is all around us, and his spirit is alive and intact! Imagine his spirit in an ultimate place, free of pain and suffering, like an enormous field of tall cool green grass, a calm breeze, endless blus sky and sunshine, with lots of bugs to chase and pounce, and butterflies to tease him. Young and strong and full of life. This is what I have to imagine a free spirit means for all of our beloved pets. Pet Heaven? I would say so

 

[dalimili18]

Thanks all. I just realized why it pains me so much... my cat took the role of my partner, my friend and my pet. He was everything to me in last year in my life. We were far away from my friends, family last 5 months, even from my partner. He was just the only rock, a steady rock that I could come close to and I knew why I was returning home for... It sucks, but yeah, I agree. He did not cry or fear death.  It is all me... mine issues and acceptance of loss

 

[catwoman707]

 
Thanks all. I just realized why it pains me so much... my cat took the role of my partner, my friend and my pet. He was everything to me in last year in my life. We were far away from my friends, family last 5 months, even from my partner. He was just the only rock, a steady rock that I could come close to and I knew why I was returning home for... It sucks, but yeah, I agree. He did not cry or fear death.  It is all me... mine issues and acceptance of loss

It's human nature, we all do the very same. It's more weeping for ourselves if you think about the bottom line of it, but that's how we're wired, and it's okay!

I have a cat like you describe too, Krissy. (avatar pic)

I have had her since the very day she was born, in a very dark time of my life.

She brought me smiles and a reason, and is still, after 13 years, my heart and my home, why I get up each day and what brings me back home when I'm gone.

 

[dalimili18]

Krissy

 
I have a cat like you describe too, Krissy. (avatar pic)

I have had her since the very day she was born, in a very dark time of my life.

Krissy is so beautiful. Yes, that is exactly it. They were/are there when we go through the good, the bad and the ugly, they rarely question our decisions and trust us without reservations, that is why it is so hard to lose them, because we feel like we could have/should have done everything that is in our power to save them, but sometimes it is just impossible to do it for whatever the reason, sometimes those reasons might be banal.

I don't know, I keep thinking I need to fill this void by bringing in new kitty, but on other side It is just too early.... it will pass, I know.

 

[catwoman707]

Thank you.

I think it's an excellent thing to bring in a new kitty, especially one you will be saving. Homeless, or one from the local shelter that has been there a long time, etc.

However not just yet. You need more time to heal.

 

[angels4mom]

I am so very sorry for your loss. Your situation reminds me of my Cocoa. December 26, 2014 he profusely vomited. He stopped eating. I thought it was a hairball so I gave him remedy but it didn't resolve it. When he was 4 weeks old he had a tick latched on his ear flap. Months later he became snappy and scratched me sometimes. In the end he had horrible grand mal seizures. I had to send him to heaven. He was in kidney failure. After he died I thought of lymes as a possible cause. His illness fit it. I may never know for sure. I held him in his fleece blanket as I said good bye to my precious angel. I've kicked myself since thinking I gave up on him. I took his fight away. He was just a baby. One year old. I miss him terribly.

 

[dalimili18]

I am at the bottom last two days and need to vent a bit...

I keep rethinking the moment I saw him with his purple tongue out of the mouth, my neighbour seeing his eyes wide open, his body limpless and then my partner closing his eyes, burying him some 6 hours later, stiff and cold... but it keeps killing me that I made a picture of him dead and yesterday I was looking at it and suddenly I got into panic mode thinking how come his mouth are closed and his tongue is not outside as I did not close it or put his tongue in... he looked like he was sleeping... and it just attacked me, the anxiety.

now I am going into a panic that he might have been alive... it is crazy and I feel totally down.

It is 25 days later... I feel like it is getting worse, not better, the feeling of permanent loss is just killing me...

Did any of you have this feeling? Do I need distraction in form of new baby... does that help.

I need to let him go.

 

[di and bob]

I know I went through the same thing, my little girls body was still warm when we buried her. I had a lot of nightmares thinking 'what if'? Being in the medical field I know with my brain it takes hours for the warmth to leave, but my heart cries. The distraction of a new baby DOES help, they demand that we pay attention to them and anything that takes your mind off of the tragedy helps. They can never replace what you lost, but eventually they will earn their own place in your heart. I pray that you find acceptance and peace, although I know from experience it can take a long time coming, take care.......

 

[Kat0121]

 
I am at the bottom last two days and need to vent a bit...

I keep rethinking the moment I saw him with his purple tongue out of the mouth, my neighbour seeing his eyes wide open, his body limpless and then my partner closing his eyes, burying him some 6 hours later, stiff and cold... but it keeps killing me that I made a picture of him dead and yesterday I was looking at it and suddenly I got into panic mode thinking how come his mouth are closed and his tongue is not outside as I did not close it or put his tongue in... he looked like he was sleeping... and it just attacked me, the anxiety.

now I am going into a panic that he might have been alive... it is crazy and I feel totally down.

It is 25 days later... I feel like it is getting worse, not better, the feeling of permanent loss is just killing me...

Did any of you have this feeling? Do I need distraction in form of new baby... does that help.

I need to let him go.

I think you know in your heart that he was gone. Please put that picture in a safe place for now that is out of sight. It won't help you right now. You're not ready to look at it. Hold onto a toy he loved or something that when you look at it, you can't help but smile because it makes you think of all the wonderful times you shared.

You have to let yourself grieve. You didn't kill your boy. You went to extraordinary lengths to not only give him a long life but a life that was full of love and friendship. Please stop doing this to yourself. This is not what he'd want for you. I don't know if getting another kitty so soon would be the right thing. You need to let yourself heal some. Instead of jumping right in and bringing one home, maybe you could volunteer at a local shelter and help them socialize some of their cats. That way you can spend time with cats but you're not "all in" yet. You'll know when the time is right. You're a great cat parent and you would give another very lucky cat the same wonderful life you gave your boy- when the time is right. He will put the right kitty in your path. 

 

 

[shovetheholly]

Oh Dalimili, I feel your pain and I wanted to say that you are not alone.

My cat died last Thursday.  He had lymphoma and he had started to struggle to breathe.  Even though I had a terminal diagnosis, and I knew he was going to die since January, it felt rushed and like a living nightmare at the end.  

I keep reliving the moment that he died.  I keep thinking about how he looked at me, and this fear came into his eyes and then he just....  crumpled.  And he was gone.  I feel that he trusted me, and I betrayed him.  I go over and over and over those seconds in my head, sometimes asleep, sometimes awake.  

I laid him out afterwards and I sat with him as he went cold.  I washed his fur, his paws, his ears and his little nose.  Then, then next day, I buried him during the solar eclipse and it was like the whole world went dark for him.

I cry all the time.  The pain is so unbearable that sometimes I lie on the floor and feel that it is pressing me down.  It is literally like a weight.  I have actually thought in those times of digging him up because I literally cannot believe that he is gone, and yet I know that he is at the same time.

When I am not crying, I am just wandering around the house.  All of my time in recent months has been taken up looking after him, and now I have nothing to do.  The house is so very, painfully quiet and so very empty. 

 

[dalimili18]

Di and Bob, Kat0121, thanks for the kind words. I really, really appreciate everyone's comments, they just mean so much to me, to know that I am not alone feeling like this and that other people went though this too...

shovetheholly, I am so sorry for your loss obviously, I can feel your pain and I think we all experience it the same way. I can't tell you it will pass soon, as obviously it can still hurt more as days go by....

It hurts me even more because the two of us would spend whole days together as my job is working from home. I am the only one who grieves for him, nobody else does, because he was my world, so I do feel somewhat alone in this. And that is what hurts. It is like nobody cares, but me, yet I do not expect anyone to grieve as much, but that is just how it feels.

I wanted to make a new life in new place, I took my baby with myself and we were together there for the last 6 months, now all my dreams have disappeared. Crushed and gone. I just feel like I can't move on...

I am not a religious person, but every night I so hardly wish that I would dream of him, but so far I never did...

 

[shovetheholly]

I know what you mean.  It is hard when you are with them all the time.  You get used to their whole routine, and you build your day around them - and then there is this blank emptiness when they aren't there.   I want to hold him so badly one more time.

One of the best pieces of advice I have had has been from my grandmother, who has lost a lot of people, including her husband (my grandfather-in-law) a couple of years ago.  She is a very strong but also very sensitive lady and she said: 'Do ordinary things.  Do the housework.  Go for walks.  Just carry on quietly.  Cry.  Things will get better and you will one day be able to look back on the privilege you were given of being his Mum.  But it will take a long time'

I am trying to follow this advice.  It doesn't make me feel any better inside, but I guess it keeps me from collapsing altogether.

 

[welovechef]

You obviously loved your little guy so much. You cannot blame yourself because you were fighting for him to live. I am positive based on how you treated him, he knew how much you loved him and was an advocate for his life. Be good to yourself and think of the good times with him, not the death. You're a good pet owner and did everything you could.

 

[dalimili18]

I just had a revelation why I keep blaming myself.... his tongue was out, purple, his eyes dillated, he was limp... when I saw him I did not offer him first aid.

That is my issue. I just took him in my arms running to my neighbour in hopes she would take me to the vet... I was in shock and panic... she saw him and told me "he is gone".... I feel like I should have give him first help and I did not. To be fair I wouldn't even know how... that is the main reason I am blaming myself.... I feel like maybe he was alive... I am freezing just hinking about it...

 

[welovechef]

I totally understand. I keep thinking of what we could of done at the first signs of our little guy getting sick. I feel horribly guilty about that. Now that we know he had cancer the last 2-3 months I can see the signs over the month. And when you saw your cat ill, you did what you thought was best...getting him to the professionals who know what they are doing. Honestly, that's all we can do. I think if you had felt calm and un-panicked nothing would have changed the outcome... As much as we want the outcome to be different. I'm so sorry you feel this way, And I can definitely relate. The only thing that will take this pain away is time. We are all in this together, you are NOT ALONE.

 

[pharber-murphy]

Hello, Dalimili. I'm not stalking you, really, but we seem to be on the same page in our grieving process. Our beloved kitties died in different circumstances, but they're still both gone. I wanted to share a couple of things with you.

First, it is absolutely amazing how much you did for your cat. The vast majority of people (myself included) would never have given so much time, energy, devotion, and money to a damaged animal. Most people, I think, would have had him put down when he started attacking like a wildcat. It shows what a good person you are that you refused to consider this option, and even turned your life upside down to make his life better. Be proud of all that you accomplished for him.

Second, your posts on other messages here are very positive and understanding. If you can be that person for others, you should be able to be that person for yourself as well. Yes, you may always wonder if you did the right thing, but you did the very best you possibly could (way, way more than most people!). You gave your cat a wonderful home and tons of love for 14 years - 14 years that he probably wouldn't have enjoyed if you'd been any other person. So be glad for the time you had together, rejoice in the fact that you made such a tremendous difference in his life. Because, without you, he would have been gone a long, long time ago.

Third, if his tongue was purple when you saw him on the floor, he was definitely not alive. When the vet put Mr. Grimsby down, she told me that their eyes don't usually close. You are letting your mind play tricks on you - maybe part of the blame "game". Your cat was buried six hours after he died; there is no way he could lay perfectly still for that long. He'd have gotten up, laughed at the ruckus he caused, and gone on about his business. I know, this is just common sense, but you may need to refocus your  thoughts.

So, Dalimili, please go back through the posts you've placed on other messages here and read through them again. Try to read them as if you were the receiver, not the sender. You will begin to understand  that you are a kind, compassionate, caring person. And maybe, you'll be able to accept the fact that you did everything you could for your beloved kitty, but it was just his time to go.

Finally, this is just my personal observation - there wasn't a place for me to bury Mr. Grimsby, so I created a mini-shrine to him on my bedside table. That way I continue to see his face last thing before I turn out the lights and first thing when I wake up. It helps to ease my pain. Someone posted a Cat's Last Will & Testament on this message board sometime ago. Read it - it will help to turn your thoughts to the future. I am in no way ready to adopt another cat so soon, but I can contemplate it after reading that post. Please find it and read it; you'll have a different perspective on your cat's last wishes.

Best regards,

Phyllis

 

[dalimili18]

PHarber-Murphy The thing is he would have laid there perfectly still as he was not able to move for some time now due to the original brain issues... for me seeing him dead was the same as being alive, he laid there.

The only thing I know is he was getting colder by the hour and we could not hear/see any breathing... I don't know anymore... my partner closed his eyes which were fully open when he died... and I know his body was limp and went stiff in hours...

I need to ask the vet obviously