I am so sorry for what you are going through, I don't know what advice to give you, but better times are ahead.
You will get through this, we are all here to help.
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He lied
- Thread starter babyharley
- Start Date
Awe Sweety, I don't know what to tell you.
I had an ex that smoked pot and later found out he did a bunch of other stuff too. All of the sudden he starting ditching me for his friends and that hurt really bad. I knew that he chose drugs over me. It got to the point where I don't think he even cared about me. One day he just left town and didn't tell me goodbye. That was really hard for me to get over because there was no closure. I felt so worthless. Now I know that was the best thing that had ever happened to me. About half a year later I met Michael. He swept me off my feet. We have been together almost 4 years. My ex has called me twice since I have been with Michael. I just laughed in his face because he thought I would actually go back with him and I cannot describe how good that felt. When I was with my ex there was always pain. I felt worthless and like nothing. You don't need that. No one does. I would weigh the good and the bad. If the bad out weighs the good get out now.
I wouldn't have an issue with the ocassional pot smoking, but I would have an issue with the lies. I went through a marriage for 8 years with a habitual liar. When the trust breaks down in a relationship you have nothing left. It makes you wonder what other kind of lies he has told you.
If he was honest with you in the first place, even though you don't approve of smoking weed, at least he would have been honestly communicating with you. I would rather be with somebody who smoked an occasional joint, than with a alcohol drinker.
I think the issue here is the dishonesty, he is going to have to rebuild your trust.
If he was honest with you in the first place, even though you don't approve of smoking weed, at least he would have been honestly communicating with you. I would rather be with somebody who smoked an occasional joint, than with a alcohol drinker.
I think the issue here is the dishonesty, he is going to have to rebuild your trust.
I feel I can speak to this because I am a former alchohol and drug abuse who had to make a choice, and thank God I made the right one. When I fell in love with my wife, I found that I didn't need to smoke or drink anymore to be happy. Thus, I've been clean and sober for 16 years now.
This may not be what you want to hear, but if your BF is not willing to give up the dope for you, then he has not reached the level of maturity that he needs to in order to be a good husband. Nor does he understand what real love is all about.
I don't think you should give up on him altogether. He may grow up and see the light at any time. But you need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate the drug use and the dishonesty, and if he loves you, he will stop both immediately.
Were all rooting and praying for you MacKenzie.
This may not be what you want to hear, but if your BF is not willing to give up the dope for you, then he has not reached the level of maturity that he needs to in order to be a good husband. Nor does he understand what real love is all about.
I don't think you should give up on him altogether. He may grow up and see the light at any time. But you need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate the drug use and the dishonesty, and if he loves you, he will stop both immediately.
Were all rooting and praying for you MacKenzie.
Just thought I'd back you up here... I see we have an unpopular opinion.
Obviously, his "addiction" isn't affecting his day to day life, so the drug use isn't the problem here... it's the trust. You have a few choices here: accept the occasional use of marijuana, or have a serious talk and see if he actually wants to quit (with pot, it's a matter of choice and what friends you hang around... there is no physical addiction involved) and if he does, that part should be easy. Let him know you are NOT okay with it, let him know you will NEVER be okay with it (if that is how you feel), and hopefully he will move on and stop hurting you.
There is a culture among drug users that non-drug users don't understand. Just because he lied to you about his weed smoking doesn't mean that he is going to lie to you about other things. He may perceive you as judgemental, as someone who just "doesn't get it", etc... when it comes to marijuana, so he did what he thought would hurt you the least. It doesn't mean he's a dishonest person. You need to let him know how hurt you are, and don't make it about the drugs... make it about the loss of trust. Hopefully that will allow him to let down his guard. Only then can you find out if the drug use is actually more important to him than you are, as someone else said. (It's a valid point, but you can't know that yet until you gain his trust when it comes to talking about drugs). I hope that made sense.
*hugs* I hope everything works out.
In your first post you mentioned 'other stuff'. Does that mean hard drugs?
But he promised to stop - that means he was at least pretending (more likely to himself!) that you were more important to him than marijuana. And now you find that is not so. You have to decide whether this man is so important to you that you cannot ever live without him. If that is so, give him up! That is tough love - see if he really can stop, if you are that important to him. If he is not that important to you, then really give him up, it is not worth it. Being friends and giving love and support to a substance abuser almost never works - they think they are going to get away with it for ever. I have been there. See what happens when you walk away and mean it.
But he promised to stop - that means he was at least pretending (more likely to himself!) that you were more important to him than marijuana. And now you find that is not so. You have to decide whether this man is so important to you that you cannot ever live without him. If that is so, give him up! That is tough love - see if he really can stop, if you are that important to him. If he is not that important to you, then really give him up, it is not worth it. Being friends and giving love and support to a substance abuser almost never works - they think they are going to get away with it for ever. I have been there. See what happens when you walk away and mean it.
I can't really say what I would do if it were me, I have never had that problem the 2 times I have been married, but I really do feel, that before it becomes an addication, or a disease its a decision. A decision to do it, not to stop or to lie about doing it. Drugs are a vicious circle and that's all. I have a 42 yr old daughter who is still choosing to do the drugs and or Alchol even after loosing her 2 children, Drugs ruin your life and it impacts everyone who cares, I will never give up on her, but she just can't seem to get past the middle. No one wants to give up on someone, but sometimes you just have to stop and realize that you can't change anyone, that's his job if he wants to stay in the relationship. But you have to think about yourself and that's what matters, I say never settle for anything less then you deserve, I wish you both good luck and I'll keep my fingers crossed the he can do what's right. Life is to short to not be Happy
The lying would be my major issue. Only you know how much you can trust him after this. Telling you to walk away sounds easy, but when you love someone, we all know it just isn't that simple. Do what is best for you. Make it clear to him that you will not tolerate the lying. Lies can destroy a relationship faster than anything I've ever seen.
Good luck with this. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you come to a conclusion that protects your heart.
Good luck with this. I'll be thinking of you and hoping you come to a conclusion that protects your heart.
I have to be among the few & say that you really need to decide actually how detrimental the pot smoking is. I mean, does it really disrupt his life?? Giving ultimatums is rarely nourishing to a relationship, and, as Dr. Phil would say, "Pick your battles wisely"; so maybe you should also rethink your reactions. Throwing a ring doesn't sound like a well-thought-out decision, but rather a heat-of-the-moment one. If pot-smoking is that distasteful to you, then definitely move on - I am sure there are plenty of great guys who don't do it. That said, there is no such thing as a perfect lover/man - once and only once, there was, but He got crucified... Hang in there, sweetie!
Oh Mackenzie! I'm so sorry to hear this news...yes substance abuse or even occasional use, is a big deal. BUT, you are young, and it's possible he's going through a phase, and I think you should try and work things out. He should NOT have lied to you about it. But as was stated, he may have thought he was being judged. And he was, and he should be. Whatever you decide, he needs to stop smoking pot, it is very important to you and should be a priority.
Oh my goodness! This is wierd, and horrible. It's so bad to hear news like this. Well here...
It's going to be ok. I'm sure it's a phase. But he did lie, and that really sucks...really bad. But you guys seem to have such a great thing going on for you two, that I'm sure it can be worked out.
Although...The trust is definately lowered. And that's no good. I'm sure it can be fixed, and everything can be back to normal, but being a women it's hard to let go of the "he lied to me" feeling. Which is super hard to let go of. I feel very sorry for you, and what you have to go through. Is it something you can forgive? Or understand? Sheeshh...I sure hope everything is ok.
I know you love him lots, so letting go of him isnt a possibility right now. You just are thinking of ways to make it better. Hope it all works out.
It's going to be ok. I'm sure it's a phase. But he did lie, and that really sucks...really bad. But you guys seem to have such a great thing going on for you two, that I'm sure it can be worked out.
Although...The trust is definately lowered. And that's no good. I'm sure it can be fixed, and everything can be back to normal, but being a women it's hard to let go of the "he lied to me" feeling. Which is super hard to let go of. I feel very sorry for you, and what you have to go through. Is it something you can forgive? Or understand? Sheeshh...I sure hope everything is ok.
I know you love him lots, so letting go of him isnt a possibility right now. You just are thinking of ways to make it better. Hope it all works out.
I am so sorry sweety! *HUGS* I cant tell you what to do. I am against drug use totally. And well its illegal. and I know I wouldnt put up with it. But you love him. So its hard. Your goig to have to search your heart only you know what is gonna be best for you. Lieing is also something i wont tolerate. Steve and i have a 100% honesty clause for our relationship. *HUGS
His dishonesty is what would concern me most, McKenzie. As you said, if he lies about a matter such as this, what else is he withholding from you or what will he feel is acceptable in the future? This is a tough lifestyle to break, but I know it is possible to do so. He has to have this conviction in his own heart, though, not because any one else feels he should change. Sending strength and wisdom to you as you face this tough conflict in your relationship.
Aww Kenz, after having been with liars and cheaters, not to mention the drugs, I would say move on. You want more for you and your future children I'm sure. It's so hard to just turn your back and walk away from someone you love and careabout, but I've done it and in the long run, I'm SOOO HAPPY I did..........IMO.
I'm so sorry to hear this is going on. As mentioned by many, it is the dishonestly that would bother me more than anything. Has he really done much more than what he is telling you? Will you always questions what he says in the future? Sending you lots of strength to make it through this tough time.
Could he have just said that since you two were in an argument? Maybe he was hurt that you two were in a fight so he just said that he smoked pot just to hurt you. ???
If you don't believe this to be so, then here's my input. I give the person I date one more chance. Sure you're hurt, but you also had a reality hit you about your relationship, so you're wiser now. If he can't change and since smoking pot is something you're very against, then at that point its time to move on. I know it sounds like an ultimatum, but it sets boundries for yourself so that you don't allow yourself to get too involved if things do not get better (and ONLY give one chance...no more!).
Either way though its your decision and I wish you the best.
If you don't believe this to be so, then here's my input. I give the person I date one more chance. Sure you're hurt, but you also had a reality hit you about your relationship, so you're wiser now. If he can't change and since smoking pot is something you're very against, then at that point its time to move on. I know it sounds like an ultimatum, but it sets boundries for yourself so that you don't allow yourself to get too involved if things do not get better (and ONLY give one chance...no more!).
Either way though its your decision and I wish you the best.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #38
Wow, thanks everyone for your help
I haven't stopped crying since last night, I just feel miserable.
He has been smoking pot since he was about 14 - a long time. He's now 24. (23 when I met him).
I know, smoking pot shouldn't be a big deal - but to me, it is. Its something that I don't want to put up with or be around. To me, its not the way I want to live my life, or have my spouse live his.
The biggest deal here is that he's been lying to me for months. I ask him all the time if he's been smoking, because people tell me that he has been, and when I ask him, he'll tell me no. So of course I believed him over my friends, and now I feel like the biggest dummy ever, sticking up for him when he was lying to me.
We live together - if he moves out, I don't know what I'll do. I'll definately be in a financial bind.
But of course my happiness is worth more than that.
I know there are plenty of guys out there who don't smoke. I've met them, they are wonderful, always happy, outgoing people (not saying that people who smoke aren't.) But I just can't picture myself with someone who smokes and lies to me. Thats not my style, or how I want to end up. I'm not going to 'settle'.
I haven't spoken more than 2 words to him since last night. I'm so hurt, I just don't know what to do, or say?? I'm not shutting him out, but considering how hurt and upset I was last night, I didn't want to say anything that would make it all worse.
I want to tell you all that I appreciate all the support and help, it means more to me right now than you can all imagine.
I haven't stopped crying since last night, I just feel miserable.
He has been smoking pot since he was about 14 - a long time. He's now 24. (23 when I met him).
I know, smoking pot shouldn't be a big deal - but to me, it is. Its something that I don't want to put up with or be around. To me, its not the way I want to live my life, or have my spouse live his.
The biggest deal here is that he's been lying to me for months. I ask him all the time if he's been smoking, because people tell me that he has been, and when I ask him, he'll tell me no. So of course I believed him over my friends, and now I feel like the biggest dummy ever, sticking up for him when he was lying to me.
We live together - if he moves out, I don't know what I'll do. I'll definately be in a financial bind.
I know there are plenty of guys out there who don't smoke. I've met them, they are wonderful, always happy, outgoing people (not saying that people who smoke aren't.) But I just can't picture myself with someone who smokes and lies to me. Thats not my style, or how I want to end up. I'm not going to 'settle'.
I haven't spoken more than 2 words to him since last night. I'm so hurt, I just don't know what to do, or say?? I'm not shutting him out, but considering how hurt and upset I was last night, I didn't want to say anything that would make it all worse.
I want to tell you all that I appreciate all the support and help, it means more to me right now than you can all imagine.
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You can't change someone. If he wants to smoke pot, he's going to do it, and if you say he can't, he's going to lie to you. If you are okay with him doing it occasionally (twice a month is NOT an addiction!) then you will have to tell him that and tell him that he has to be honest about it. If you are not okay with it, then either end it or be okay with him lying about it.
He is not choosing drugs over you, don't feel like that. Don't tear yourself down over it, it was never a "you-or-the-pot" situation. To him, it's probably not wrong or a big deal. If you want to be with someone who never touches the stuff, find someone who agrees with you that it is a big deal and it is wrong from the start, not someone who will "quit for you".
I would hate the lying too, and trust is very important in a relationship, but don't assume just because he lied about this that he lied about anything else. I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but give yourself some time to think about everything, including your priorities. If pot is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. If maybe you can deal with it if he can be honest about it, then you might be able to work something out, but make sure you really are able to deal with it and won't get mad every time he tells you he has smoked. One thing that won't work is trying to get him to promise he won't again.
He is not choosing drugs over you, don't feel like that. Don't tear yourself down over it, it was never a "you-or-the-pot" situation. To him, it's probably not wrong or a big deal. If you want to be with someone who never touches the stuff, find someone who agrees with you that it is a big deal and it is wrong from the start, not someone who will "quit for you".
I would hate the lying too, and trust is very important in a relationship, but don't assume just because he lied about this that he lied about anything else. I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but give yourself some time to think about everything, including your priorities. If pot is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. If maybe you can deal with it if he can be honest about it, then you might be able to work something out, but make sure you really are able to deal with it and won't get mad every time he tells you he has smoked. One thing that won't work is trying to get him to promise he won't again.
