Giving up a cat?

[satsumasryummy]

@StephenQ: Thanks for the information, I hadn't known about that scale. I have a ragdoll kitten on the way anyway, so I suppose I won't be bothered as much by Lux after that. I think that he looks at me like he's nervous when I walk by is telltale of his lack of a bond with me. I like the insight about cats' emotions, etc. being a mystery. That was helpful. Also, if you read my earlier posts, you'll have noticed that I was specifically against medicating him for my benefit, but thanks. 

@ShadowRescue: I'm a fan of Jackson Galaxy; his show is great. And I mentioned in my first post that I play with him daily. I have tried a variety of them and he just likes a mouse on a wand toy going around a corner. I also give him catnip. This doesn't change his demeanor, as much he enjoys the playtime. I do the play-and-prey thing before I feed him. Like I said before, that I have tried all these things and continue to implement them is a big part of my frustration as to why they just haven't worked. Maybe it's just anxiety, maybe he just doesn't like me that much. I know plenty of people who have anxiety issues and have a lot of trouble being affectionate - maybe the same thing can apply to cats. He is great with other cats though, very cautious and friendly and polite, which adds more weight to my idea that he may have been a stray, and socialized with cats but not humans very early on. I haven't seen Composure in any pet stores, but has anyone have anything to say about Pet-Ease? I see that one a lot and haven't tried it. As for the animal communicator, I have already tried so many things and spent so much money on trying to fix this that I'm pretty much giving up when it comes to this, and accepting that he's just going to be an aloof cat. At least he is happy, and in a safe environment, and has me to depend on even if he doesn't trust me. As much as it perturbs me for this relation to be so one-way, I'll just do my best to be zen about it.

I'm glad I posted on here about my thoughts of giving him up; this outlet was great for processing the situation and my reasoning about it so I didn't act rashly. I don't think I would have anyway, but it was more helpful and supportive than if I had thought through it myself. Thanks again to everyone.

 

[fhicat]

@satsumasryummy

Honestly, I'm very surprised to be reading this thread. I do follow your progress with Lux (and posted in one of your threads), and you seem to be making strides towards working with him. I felt like your issue was expecting a different cat than what Lux really is, but your recent posts were great news in that you were starting to change your mindset about converting Lux to your vision of an ideal cat. I honestly thought you were happy, until I read this. I feel like this is quite unlike you, and we want to help.

Let me tell you a story I never really told anyone.

When I adopted my cat, I actually adopted two cats. The other cat was named Snow. For more than 2 months, Snow never wanted anything to do with me. She didn't hide like most cats, or even like Jed -- by the third day, she was already out exploring the whole house. But she never wanted to be near me. She wouldn't eat when I was near. She would stare at me wide-eyed every time I walked by, the kind of stare you get from ferals and strays. When I tried to pet her, she would lower her ears and run off. If I was stationary, she would do a wide berth around me. I couldn't get her to play with me. She would bat at the toy for a bit, but most of the time she would stare wide-eyed at me. By the time Jed was out, she rarely plays with me anymore, because Jed is playful and he'd hog the toy. 

Now, I would have been fine with this, and I would have "waited her out", thinking it's probably some sort of adjustment period.

But here's the kicker: she was completely affectionate with my roommate. She jumps on his lap. She waits at the door for him. She purrs when he pets her.

You can imagine what that did to my fragile self-esteem. It hurt. A lot.

It was like that for over 2 months. I never made progress with her. I began to resent my roommate. Here I was, her caregiver, and he didn't even do anything for her -- not even feed her. I fed her, cleaned her box, tried to play with her, made sure her favorite sleeping place is warm and fluffy, gave her treats. My roommate was only interested in her attention and giving her attention, but refuses to have anything to do with her care.

And yet she always went to him. Always.

His girlfriend became to stay over at our place more frequently. At one point she was here so often I thought I had a third roommate. And Snow was equally affectionate with her!! I swear, if you came over during that time period, you'd make the understandable assumption that Snow was their cat and Jed was mine. I resented both of them. It didn't help too that his girlfriend and I don't get along very well, and she started verbally abusing Jed, because Jed can be kind of a jerk. He wants badly to play with Snow, and Snow didn't like Jed at all. He'd randomly pounce on her or just chase her around the place -- and she'll hiss at him. Then he does it again a couple of hours later. My roommate's girlfriend for some odd reason took this personally, and thus started calling Jed names and threw veiled insults at him. 

I was emotionally exhausted, and I realized that I cannot go on like this. I was resenting both my roommate and Snow. Cats can pick up on our feelings, and this jealousy is not doing any of us good. I didn't have the emotional strength to be patient in working with Snow. I was moody every time I saw Snow, and every time I see her going to my roommate for lap time. 

I made the painful, painful, guilt-wracked decision to return her to the shelter. My roommate had no interest in adopting her.

When I went to the intake desk, with colleagues I know, it was one of only two times I cried in front of anyone. 

Days later, the shelter director wanted to meet me. Snow was back in her office (she hangs out there alone), and the director wanted to meet her adopter, and she heard it was me. In that meeting, which was the second time I cried unashamedly, I learnt much about Snow and why I was not a good fit for her. It turns out that Snow has trust issues -- particularly an intense distrust towards men. All her previous adopters were women. She has been bounced too many times in her life. The last adopter to sort of abuse her.... yep -- was a man. He had a terrible temperament, I was told. The director said that had she been in the office when Snow was being adopted by me, she would have blocked her adoption and explained why. In a nutshell, Snow needs to be an only cat, living with an old lady who knits in her spare time.

What is the point of this story? Two things -- 1) some adoptions just don't work out. Surrendering a pet, while never desirable, can sometimes be the best course of action. Does that mean I think you should give Lux up? Absolutely not. To this day I blame myself for not being emotionally strong enough to work with Snow. 

2) When a guardian expects the pet to be something it is not, no one is happy. Lux can sense your frustration. You've gotten so far with him. It's been 2 years. You've seen signs. There is ZERO reason for you to give up now. You know that Lux is not a cuddly cat. 

I have a ragdoll kitten on the way anyway, so I suppose I won't be bothered as much by Lux after that.

If this means what I think it means, I strongly urge you to really consider why you are getting another cat. It is not fair to Lux for you to get another cat if your sole purpose is to "replace" him. Lack of attention, or even worse, neglect, is extremely detrimental to a cat. What happens if the kitten turns out to not be what you expected either? 

I doubt Lux "doesn't trust you". A cat that doesn't trust you would not purr so loudly when you pick him up, go from flipping out to letting you brush him, or even acting interested in what you're doing. A cat that doesn't trust you would be like Snow. These are clear progress. It can only get better from here.

You sound like a wonderful person who is trying hard to work with a cat that doesn't turn out the way you expected a cat to be. Yet you pressed on. You've done 2 years, don't stop now. Lux loves you, in his own way. He may not show you affection in human terms, but I am very sure he does it in his own cat ways. You just have to watch closely and celebrate those little moments of victories. 

 

[satsumasryummy]

I don't know what you mean when you say this seems "unlike me". 

I'm actually getting the kitten because Lux seems so bored by my attempts at engaging him. He loves playing with other cats and I always saw him doing so when he used to be indoor/outdoor, but he got fleas and ultimately I decided that it's a dangerous way for him to be. A kitten seems like a great solution for both of us because he's very kitten-ish in his need for stimulation but I don't seem to be able to provide it for him, not to mention with my responsibilities and health issues, I can't always reliably do so. And I was always planning on getting a second cat. 

And he no longer purrs, or is happy with brushing, or comes up to me with interest in what I'm doing. Those were short-lived. He really does not show me affection anymore. Maybe it's a phase, I don't know. 

It's not "giving up"  or "stopping" if I'm giving him the sort of attention any cat needs to be healthy and happy. He is clearly happy, although a bit bored because of wanting to be outside with other cats. If he can sense my frustration, I can't do anything about that, nor am I about to try to stuff my feelings down or try to convince myself to feel differently about this. I don't like that he isn't affectionate, period. I don't feel a connection with him and he doesn't seem to with me, and he pretty much just lives here now - I don't have the sense of potential of having an animal I love and connect with sharing my home and life, or any joy, really. However: I don't allow these feelings - or lack thereof - to override my giving him the love and care he needs, without the exhausting addition of organizing my every move around him and creating regimes with the end goal of getting a cuddly and loving lap kitty which he clearly is not. I've surrendered to the situation, zen-style. Letting go enables me to release the negative feelings more and more, because I don't expect there to be any bond when I don't constantly try to fabricate one. I can expect as much of a relationship from him as a plant and still make him happy and care for him as a caregiver should, because I made this commitment and he shouldn't have to experience the repercussions of my unmet expectations. This eases the exhaustion I feel of vying for something that just won't happen, freeing my energy for caring for him better, and lifting the burden of torrid emotion I usually feel when I think of my dejection at this. When I'm impassive, he can be the happiest, because my time is not taken up on ruminating why this isn't going how I wanted it to. I can just appreciate him for the beautiful and interesting animal that he is, and fills his needs because it's my responsibility to, and because I still care about his happiness because I care about animals in general. And I'm sure he'll feel the lifting of the burden of my disappointment in his character, too. 

I appreciate your heartfelt story but you misunderstood the gist of mine. 

 

[stephenq]

@satsumasryummy

Hi, Just bare in mind that kittens can't be assessed reliably for how gregarious (interactive) or how independent they are or how brave vs nervous to new situations they are because they all tend to be interactive, playful etc, but as they grow up they become their "own cat".  And if anyone thinks they can raise a kitten to be a certain way you can't, just like you can't with people.  I adopted two kittens many years ago, and they were raised by the same people in the same way in the same home and one was a super affectionate lap cat and the other was a very independent cat who loved attention - for about 15 minutes a day!  So anytime anyone adopts a kitten you are taking the chance that as they become adults they may not be what you wanted or saw when they were young.  That doesn't mean we don't love them, but in your case there seems to be a higher chance that you will be unhappy.

The alternative is to carefully select an adult cat who is known to like other cats and has the traits you want and then, regardless of who you adopt should you do this, you will want to do a super  s l o w and c a r e f u l introduction, possibly over several weeks.  It took my resident cat, my super friendly one, a year to become friends with a new cat, and 2 years to become good friends.  We were very patient and it paid off.  An introduction done incorrectly can leave you with 2 cats who hate each other and who redirect their displeasure on you.

However you proceed, i wish you all the best and I'm sure we can help discuss introduction techniques should you wish them.

 

[satsumasryummy]

@StephenQ: I'm aware of this but also you have to consider that the intentional breeding and upbringing of a kitten in a well socialized environment tips the scales. Not to mention getting a chance to be there during the younger time of the cat's life - I never got that with Lux. I always wanted a kitten so a kitten it will be. Like I said I also believe it will help him express his energy more to have some interaction. He never gets worn out with playtime.

The past few days I was reticent to be affectionate with him and played with him, fed him, took care of his needs etc. but I didn't feel comfortable petting him so I didn't very much, nor did I seek out his attention. He appeared much calmer and hung around me more. I felt a bit better today and did seek out his attention and pet him more, and he looks really nervous when I approach him or catch his attention once again. This confirms my decision that keeping my distance in the respect of everything but his needs is important for him. I think he needs to be comfortable in his knowledge that he is safe and will be taken care of before he can let his guard down and bond/get close with a person again. He always has seemed cautious even when clearly wanting affection, and I think as an especially sensitive cat he was really traumatized by being given up by his previous human. He has always been very "gamma" - not forceful or demanding, wary, sensitive and scared-looking, little confidence, prefers to snuggle into dark corners and be alone by himself even though he has a lot of energy. It's clear to me that he needs to feel secure in himself and his environment - especially because territory is so important to cats in general, way before relationships - before he can feel safe enough to bond. Even if he never does, I want to be the one to provide him with an enriching and safe environment that circumvents his view of the way the world is.

 

[42cattier]

If you can just provide him a roof over his head, healthy food and a good company, this is good enough.

Some cats, based on their previous life experience, are distant and reserved. Just being nearby, making eye contact, petting when cat agrees, trowing balls to fetch, moving piece ofp aper tied to a thick thread, waving wand with feathers may be enough for it. When trust develops, cat will come to you to interact, be ready when it ready.

Not very cat is lap cat or extra-affectionate cat, connection and mutual trust can be developed with effort and time. Cats have each own personality, if you respect his right to be himself (her/herself) and work on living together, it may work. Lack of attention and affection, or too much affection in the wrong time, increases distance.

We have very reserved cat and respect his right to be who he is, yet he tries always be very close to humans, following them, sleeping close to them. Just watching his intentions and participating when he wants works for us.

Hope this may work for you too.

 

[satsumasryummy]

@42cattier  I agree with this. I've been trying to find the middle ground between too much attention and too little. Sometimes I know I don't feel like interacting with others, so I appreciate his POV more. I have found that approaching him to interact rarely and mostly letting him come to me is working better for us. I also read somewhere that black and brown cats tend to be more aloof, which makes sense. They also tend to have trouble getting adopted, so I'm happy I was able to give him a good home. He is incredibly adorable and just a good-looking cat, so even if he's not a snuggler at least I can admire him from afar. I have also found that when I don't touch him very often and then I give him a brushing he has started purring. Still dashes away when I let him go though, but a purr is a rarity so I'm glad he seems happier. I'm appreciating him more now for who he is rather than who he's not. 

 

[satsumasryummy]

Just an update on this thread in case anyone is interested: Big changes! Maybe he senses my acceptance, I don't know. Keeping my distance from him in the beginning allowed me to transition to having a relationship with him that respects his need for space as much as it does my need for some touch connection. He asks for pets and head rubs now and sits mostly still while I brush him. I got him a new toy and that has lifted his spirits somewhat too. It's a more nurturing environment here. There are some days when he just doesn't want anything to do with me, but I accept that that's his character and he might need his alone time, just as I do. 

 

[betsygee]

I'm very glad to hear that things are going better. I'm happy for both of you!

 

[stephenq]

Thanks for the great update!

 

[satsumasryummy]

No problem! I guess the adage about how cats will love you if you ignore them really works. I had to lock him in the bathroom while moving in some furniture and he was very affectionate afterward, as he also is when I ignore him all day but am home...when I'm not home and I arrive after a day out it's like he ignores me on purpose for leaving him to entertain himself. He's still a snooty cat but I love him more now.

 

[tillysmom]

I am dealing with the exact opposite problem at the moment but I won't go there.

So happy to read a happy ending!

Just wanted to share as story about a cat I had years ago. Moose was a big fluffy black and white girl who apparently was included with our house sale! The neighbors questioned if we had a skunk in our yard! It was a kitty and although we already had a dog and a very cranky older girl cat, I couldn't help but feed her. She was extremely skittish. It took about 6 months to get her off the porch and in the house. We let her come and go as she pleased and never forced the issue. She didn't bother with the dog. both cats hated each other, but kept their distance. She steadily progressed to a cat that might not be the most cuddly but was definitely affectionate in her own way and part of the family. The first time she fell asleep on my exes lap it was like a victory. She started to spend evenings in the living room with us. The final year I was with her she would come up to bed and sleep with me for the last hour I would sleep, every morning. It even got to the point where if she was sunning herself in the yard, I could pet her amazingly fuzzy white belly. It took many years for her to be that comfortable but was very worth it.

moose.JPG

• tillysmom
• May 15, 2014

Moosie Girl! I miss her.

Your kitty may never be super affectionate but there is a chance that your relationship will grow. Sounds like it's started to already!

 

[satsumasryummy]

I just want to make another quick update in case anyone is still interested: Lux cuddles now! He asks for being pet and then sometimes I scoop him up in my arms and he just stays there, purring loudly while I give him head rubs. He also purrs when I brush him and just randomly when I'm petting him. My partner and I got him Da Bird instead of the makeshift toys we had and we started playing with him a lot more, and in the interim he's bonded much closer with us and so quickly! I'm so happy and Lux seems to be more calm and content as well.

 

[betsygee]

I'm delighted to hear it.  So glad for both of you that things are working out better.  I hope you and Lux have many more moments of contentment together!  

 

[mycatwasthebest]

 
I just want to make another quick update in case anyone is still interested: Lux cuddles now! He asks for being pet and then sometimes I scoop him up in my arms and he just stays there, purring loudly while I give him head rubs. He also purrs when I brush him and just randomly when I'm petting him. My partner and I got him Da Bird instead of the makeshift toys we had and we started playing with him a lot more, and in the interim he's bonded much closer with us and so quickly! I'm so happy and Lux seems to be more calm and content as well.

I just read your thread for the first time and CONGRATULATIONS

(that's only the second time I have used the banana dance)

I hope u guys will keep him an only child for awhile and if you get a kitten you get a rescue instead of a purebred.

you could probably get a rescue that IS a purebred...I KNOW they're all over chicago

does he like to fetch?...the activities you related in post 7 and this:

often dashes across the house, stops abruptly and turns to look fearfully behind him as though something is chasing him - he also abruptly starts grooming himself when he has this excess of energy, and never seems to truly relax.

mean to me he would like prey to stalk...not people to play with...he obviously knows he is not a dog...and that's a good thing imo

but that doesn't mean he wouldn't like to play fetch...or "kill it"...or bubbles

 

[alistair]

This thread was a good read and I can relate to what you are / were going through with the lack of affection and connection with your cat.

So glad to read things are going better and if you are still interested in getting another cat, I agree a kitten is the way to go. You resident cat should be much more accepting of a kitten than an older cat. Also, if you go with a purebred Ragdoll, you will get to see what his/her parents are like and if they are both very affectionate then chances are so will their offspring. And yes, being there very early in their life seems to really help with bonding. I regret not getting my second kitten when he was 10 weeks old instead of 6 months.

 

[catsandkittens]

It is very sad that you have no attachment to your cat. Just make sure that it goes to a loving home or cat charity. 

 

[catsandkittens]

Oh! I just read the last post - sorry! Glad to know things are back on track! xx