Frightened new kitten

[vbcatparent]

@Bonitababy  I do agree with  you. A trial period should only be to make sure no one's life ends up in danger. There shouldn't be a probation attitude about whether a cat has a good personality. If you don't really know, you need to visit the cat a few times and find out. We see our own cat as being similar to a child, and we treat him like a person. But, in @elfin  's case, the trigger was pulled, the cat is in a bad situation, so now we just have to move forward. Do we keep yelling at elfin to get over herself, or do we look at the fact that elfin is hurting, has her own free will, and can't be compelled to feel the same as us because we say so?

If we want what's best for a cat, I don't think that means browbeating a reluctant parent to keep an unhappy kitten, especially when it's at the point of a bleeding paw that can't be treated. Social Services doesn't keep a child in an unhealthy home. Pix is young enough to be rehomed, and if elfin takes more time to cool off with the grief, she will be able to think more clearly about her next adoption. 

I'm not telling eflin to send Pix away. I'm just saying that if elfin decides to do that, all we can do is hope for the best.

 

[elfin]

When I started this thread I thought there'd be incremental improvements day by day and my updates would be all "Yay, today he finally .....". I really wish that were the case. 

A properly socialised cat understands that comfort can come from humans, even if they're too frightened to reach out for it. I fear that Pixel missed the critical time for developing that understanding. If that's the case this is not the right place for him, and I'd appreciate not being vilified for recognising that.

@Bonitababy, please rein in your anger. Not everyone is in the same situation as you. We have three human children who have to come first. We love our animals and give them the best possible care, but we can't rearrange our lives for their benefit. We have to place limits on what we are willing and able to do for them. You have no idea how much reading I have done around this problem and how we can make it better.

@VBCatParent, I appreciate your understanding. I don't know yet what decision we will make but it will be the best one for him.

 

[mservant]

@elfin  I am really saddened to read your experience of bringing this kitten in to your home only to find he had not been socialised adequately for your family home.  It is not an unusual experience I fear, but a very sad one.  It is true that the early socialising experiences for kittens are very important but they are not the only opportunity so if you feel there is some progress with Pixel please don't think you have to write this opportunity off.  That said, I sense you have had previous experience of bringing cats in to your home that needed a lot of support and if you do not feel you can give Pix the reassurance and support he needs I am sure you will make what you feel is the best decision for him.

There is some very useful and positive advice in this thread from Fhicat and Panama Patti so try to continue in your efforts to reassure Pix and see if you can work out effective communication between you and settle him in your home, but if he still seems anxious and unhappy, and your family feel unhappy too, then hard decisions will need to be made and I really feel for you.

When we adopt kittens or cats from a shelter we generally adopt with what ever the shelter's knowledge and experience of that cat's personality is, and when we do so from a breeder this is no different except we are generally told more detail about the personality and history of the cat or kitten.  There is usually a verbal and written contract and an assurance that the cat is matched for the intended home situation, e.g. has been socialised with children or other animals if it is known that they will go in to a home with such requirements of them.  I know you say you are happy with the breeder, and at least they seem to be accepting some liability here in being willing to take Pixel back if necessary, but I feel some frustration that your kitten was not widely socialised in a family home before you were able to bring him in to yours.  This would be the breeder's responsibility to the kitten, and in entering in to their contract with you.  The potential result now is a sad one for both you / your family and for Pixel, and so far seems to have caused an avoidable number of weeks of trauma and distress.  

I feel very lucky that I found the breeders that I did, and adopted / bought Mouse from people who took the time to socialise him for the type of home I told them he would be moving in to.  It still took him a good week to settle and come in to my sitting room, and I know how hard I found that.

 

[catpack]

@Elfin, I completely agree that Pixel has not received proper socialization. I know you say you like this breeder; but, in my opinion, placing a kitten in a cage outside at 12 weeks of age (or younger) is not the way to get them ready to integrate into a home. This is very unfortunate for Pixel. And, it is unfortunate that the breeder gave you poor information and guidance.

Yes, given enough time to socialize I suspect, in the right home, Pixel would certainly come around. Perhaps given enough time in your home he might acclimate. But, I do suspect that it will take several weeks (if not longer) for him to adjust. And, with children in the home, things are more complicated. I'm sure they were all anxious to get this kitten in your home and play with him and love on him...as were you.

I've been through something similar with a purebred adult. He had feral tendencies, though I knew he was not feral. He had a horrible injury when I took custody of him which required him to be crated for 8 weeks. He had to be sedated at the vet in order for them to do anything with him. For the first 10 weeks I had him, he did nothing but hiss at me. Slowly, but surely we worked on his trust issues. I am happy to say that now, less than a yr later, he is sweet, affectionate and loves to be held and petted.

 

[BonitaBaby]

@VBCatParent, I agree with you, except I felt the need to point out
1) There is nothing wrong with this kitten, even if it remains skittish and scared,
2) the way a cat or kitten blends into a new home has a large part to do with how the new cat owner sets up the cat and how attentive and responsive the owner is to the cat's needs,
3) I'm sad ths kitten might be kept for another week, start to feel at home, and then get returned.

This feels like none of my business now except this thread is posted on a public forum and this is just my opinion and response to what I read. I could have waited to post and been more concise, however.

 

[vbcatparent]

Bonita I really do understand what you're saying. I think it's good to hash these things out and have hard discussions. We never know someone who might read this thread for all it says and think twice about making a mistake.

Here's to hoping we all get an update soon about elfin and Pixel making amends.

 

[BonitaBaby]

Bonita I really do understand what you're saying. I think it's good to hash these things out and have hard discussions. We never know someone who might read this thread for all it says and think twice about making a mistake.

Here's to hoping we all get an update soon about elfin and Pixel making amends.

Agreed. Thank you for being so diplomatic!!!

 

[sunflowers]

 
Thanks Sunflowers. Unfortunately there's no space in my room for the crate. It's pretty big. The living room is actually pretty quiet. It's generally only my husband in there on the Xbox, and the kids if they want to do something quiet. All the chaos is at the other end of the house. He has me all to himself at night, when I'm lying down and not so scary. I have discovered that he likes 'blanket mice' (aka toes under the doona) and he bites them really, really hard. I doubt he realises he's interacting with me when he's attacking them.

I don't mind if he's just scared and needs a bit of time to get used to the change. What worries me is that he might genuinely be poorly socialised and need months of work, or that he's naturally timid and unable to cope with change. We have a steady stream of people coming in and out, and other pets, and we move house on average every 18 months. He needs resilience and adaptability to fit in here. Maybe his breeder just doesn't have a handle on his personality if she's never seen him in a challenging situation.

Someone I met this morning was telling they had a similar experience with an oriental, though theirs only took 3 days to start showing an interest in their family. Maybe it's just his breed? 

Did Mr Fancy come round for you? How long did it take?

Might be best to just keep him in the room with you then. After a few days, I would leave the door open for a few hours to see if will venture out on his own. I think he needs the confidence boost of having his own territory and being able to run back to it if he gets spooked. Usually the crating in public areas like a living room is for extreme cases like feral cats that won't even allow themselves to be picked up.

My experience with Mr. Fancy kinda went like this.

Day 0- Had a meeting at the foster parents house to see Mr. Fancy. He had room to himself (bathroom). As soon as I went in to see him he slipped under the bathroom rug and tried to disappear. He was terrified the entire time I was there. It was heartbreaking. I didn't have lots of experience with shy cats, but I ended up adopting him for two reasons. One- He didn't bite or hiss when the foster mom picked him up, even though he was scared. Two- While I was leaving the house, I saw he had jumped up on the bathroom windowsill to watch me leave with a sad and dejected look. Its like he was asking me to give him a chance.

Day 1- The fostermom brought him to my apartment. She said I needed to keep him in a very small quite area. I bought a playpen and kept him in there in my room. She bought his blanket with him. He hid under the blanket in the playpen.

Day 1 Night-time- He literally cried all night long in the playpen. I got like 1hr of sleep.

Day 2- He showed interest in wanting to be let out of the playpen. As soon I let him out he hid under my bed.

Day 3-4 I continued to let him out of the playpen in my room and he continued to hide. He also continued to cry at night. He would play at night.

Day 5- I decided I needed sleep lol I couldn't stand the night crying so I let him out of the playpen at night.

Day 6- He started to approach me if I was sitting on the floor and rub up against me. He would run if I tried to walk up to him.

Day 7- I took him to the vet for a vet checkup. I started the process of getting ready to introduce my other kitten, Lily to him. He started to approach me more often, but continued to backup if I walked towards him. He allowed me to pick him up, but obviously was frightened. Never bit me though.

Day 8- I started to open up my bedroom door. He would sometimes peak around the door.

Day 10- Lily was introduced. She was a total brat to him. She kept trying to pounce on him. He didn't appear to stressed by her. He was more interested in looking for food. He started to get a big appetite. He also decided that he liked her litterbox.

Day 11- As long as it was quiet in the living room and kitchen, he started to explore those areas. He especially liked the cool tile in the kitchen and my bird in the birdcage lol At this point I had taken down the playpen.

Day 12-14 Lots of progress in terms of trust. He wouldn't shy away as much and would come to me for affection. He started to jump on the bed at night and snuggle.

Day 25- The time to seemed to fly by. He had now explored everything and I could trust him around the apartment with Lily. He actually started to demand to be picked up. Was still a bit shy about being approached while I was walking. Would immediately come towards me if I sat down.

Current Time (almost 2 months later)- He actually acts like his look-a-like breed (ragdoll). He will flop around and goes limp when I pick him up. He continues to follow me around, demand food, demand attention, and is so well behaved. He has picked up some habits from his younger sister, like sound. Other than night crying when he first arrived, he was silent. Now he will chirp when runs towards me for attention. Or when he knows I am getting his tasty food ready.  He will still run when a stranger comes over, but honestly, it doesn't bother me because he immediately comes to me for attention as soon they leave. He has no problem bonding with someone after a day or so of introduction. He hid the first 3 hours my sister came over for a sleepover, but spent half the night keeping her up by demanding pets and laying on her.

I honestly hope things go just as well for you. Progress might seem slow at first, but there are points where it speeds up once you have earned their trust and you could have a gem that bonds strongly to you.

 

[beansprout]

I adopted a 4 mth old kitten last November, Oliver came from a feral community & has a lot of issues. He's mostly afraid of people, to everything else he seems to adjust,over time, & I don't mean days.

When I first brought him home I didn't think he'd ever get out of the box. I followed the rules, small room, by himself, short quiet visits from only one person. It didn't work, it seemed to foster the fears & he was getting worse. Closing him up freaked him out, i freaked him out, the cable guy in the house freaked him out.....he wound up sick, eye problems due to his bartonella & feline herpes which are worsened by stress.

This all went on for months. He's much better now, still terrified of most everything, but I see improvement & he'll let me pet him & even pick him up or sit in my lap on ocassion. His bravest moments are at night, & I was able to use those times to interact.

He is not what I expected when I adopted a cat, but he works for me. My home is pretty quiet & I have another outgoing kitty, nearly the same age, that Oliver has latched onto, they are great together. Oliver is a good fit here.

I'm telling you all this because it may take a long time for Pixel to adjust, Oliver is still adjusting. I was fortunate that Olivers fears were not stressing my other cat or dogs & I don't have to worry about young children. I hope Pixel can adjust & you can have a happy home, but no one really knows the outcome. You have a lot of things to consider & have to decide what's best for all involved.

Patience, lots of prayers & Quincy Bean, were the reasons why I hung in. It was worth it all, but my situation is very different. I think whatever you decide is OK, if you feel you can wait the time everyone is OK with Pixel as is, & you other cat can adjust

 

[beansprout]

There are some products & cat treats out there that can help calm you kitty. I found a natural calming treat helpful. You may want to talk to your vet about options, there are quite a few out there.

 

[fortunate4]

Jumping in here ---- not to be harsh but I suggest returning him to the breeder. You are describing definite socialization issues. These cannot be completely reversed. I know because I'm living it myself with a feral rescue. Adopt a kitten from a rescue org who has been fostered in a home.

 

[maureen brad]

I know that many , if not most cats would not be adjusted to a new home in a few days. This is true whether from a breeder or a rescue/shelter. No behaviorist would tell you that anything the kitty is doing points to him not being able to bond with your family. This is traumatic for the cat. Period. He does need a quiet room. When he becomes confident in his 'safe room' then expand his territory.He is also a teenage cat , not a baby.he will be somewhat all over the place as the teenage months are tough.I have a new cat in a small room right now. He has been there since Saturday.Darling cat but , I try to close my other cats in one part of the house and let him explore and he isn't yet brave enough to do it. He is getting confident in that room and I have no doubt he will be exploring soon enough. I hope you can deal with a little frustration and know that your expectations of feline love will be met.Cats need quiet when they are brought to a new home, stress is horrible for the bonding process.The love will come.

 

[elfin]

Well, at this point he is still with us. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow since we brought him home.

I don't know if there has been real progress. I'm puzzled by his behaviour and don't know how to interpret it. 

He seems comfortable in the house. He has his favourite sleeping spots in the bedroom during the day, and plays freely when we let him into the living room in the evening. He eats (never in front of us), uses his litter box, and plays with toys, which he usually leaves either in his food bowl or in his resting places. He will play with toys wielded by humans and will sometimes pat at our fingers if we move them in the right way while he's playing. In the evening he will stretch out on the couch or the top of the cat tree and watch the television.

But ... we still can't touch him. He started hissing occasionally a few days ago, and now is doing it every time he sees us. We don't force ourselves on him, just say 'Okay' and move on. If we offer a finger (just the finger, the rest of the hand is in a loose fist) he will sniff it - sometimes - then draw back. He doesn't seek out our company. I get the feeling he would happily live here as long as we kept up the supply of food and toys and never expected anything else from him.

Today I was doing some ironing in the bedroom, and left the ironing board up after putting the iron away. He played with our youngest for a while - she had him doing backflips chasing a bird on a string, and he seemed happy enough doing that. Then he jumped onto the ironing board, lay down, and started alternately meowing and hissing. I told my daughter to back off when he started doing it, so she lay down on the floor and he jumped straight down and started meowing again, looking at her but keeping his distance. He wasn't pressing his ears flat but his tail was flicking around a lot.

I don't know what it means! Is it a good sign? 

 

[mservant]

From where you were 2 weeks ago to what you describe here this is massive progress.  In terms of having a lap cat it is not a result yet, but in terms of your kitten developing confidence, getting used to his new home and starting to interact and trust his human companions this is all great.  That he is seeking the interaction and then hissing and or flicking his tail suggests to me he is still anxious and this is all unfamiliar to him, but he is enjoying it so there is every chance that if you keep it up without forcing him to go beyond his comfort zone and back off when he gets over excited or anxious that his trust will grow and he will relax further.  

Some kittens are not lap kitties and do only seek play from their humans.  Mouse did want lots of belly rubs and kisses from me (had been very well socialised from early weeks and is a cuddle boy anyway) but I didn't get even the shortest of lap snuggles until he was over 2 years old!  He'd only come and lay with me when I was tucked up in bed (and then only after half an hour of serious play).   My friend's cat isn't a lap cat still at 5 years of age but she snuggles up regularly with the two daughters (11 and 15) when they go to bed and permits short stroking when she initiates it with rubbing against a hand or leg.

 

[elfin]

 
That he is seeking the interaction and then hissing and or flicking his tail suggests to me he is still anxious and this is all unfamiliar to him, but he is enjoying it so there is every chance that if you keep it up without forcing him to go beyond his comfort zone and back off when he gets over excited or anxious that his trust will grow and he will relax further.  

So he's feeling conflicted? As long as he's not likely to lash out and hurt one of the children, I'll take that as progress! He has a kitten's instinct to play, and they have the energy to play with him as much as he wants. I don't mind if he bonds with them rather than me as long as we can get to a point where he'll accept handling. I was supposed to take him to our vet for a checkup but I haven't dared yet, as I don't think he'd forgive me.

I never expected him to sleep in my arms like Poe did - my darling boy was unique and perfect and I never expected to replicate him with Pixel. I just want him to enjoy our company and accept affection from us, and maybe give some back.

I think he'd like to be out in the house during the day but until we can handle him freely I don't dare let him have access to areas with external doors. If he gets out at this point we'll never get him back.

 

[vbcatparent]

Cats can definitely be moody and conflicted. There are certain times when ours (a rescue adoption) will jump onto the bed or couch with us, see that we are aware of him, and leave in a hurry. Then late at night when he thinks I'm asleep, I sometimes feel him cuddling close to my legs.

Pix is acting like an introvert for the moment. He gets a little social interaction, then he's tired of it and wants to be alone. He doesn't know the polite way to ask to be alone, but he knows that hissing will make people leave, so that's his solution. I would recommend coaching your kids to look for early signs -- perhaps his tail starts lashing, or he becomes more wiggly, right before the meltdown. Or perhaps you see a pattern that he does well for about three minutes. Figure out how to end the play sessions before his mood changes, and while he's still in a good mood, lay a treat on the floor for him and have the kids attempt a quick back rub. 

 

[elfin]

Thanks VBCatParent. I'll stick close when they're playing tomorrow and watch what he does. I'm still looking for a treat that he likes. I feel like we have half the contents of the pet shop in our cupboard. 

The 6 year old actually got in a couple of strokes this evening. I think Pix was too distracted by the toys to notice! She seems to be the one making the most progress with him, probably because she matches his energy level and gets real joy from playing with him. She's also the smallest human in the family so doesn't loom over him as much as the rest of us.

When he's following us and meowing at arm's length, how should we react? Meow back? Talk to him? Or just move away and give him space?

 

[lamiatron]

 
...

When he's following us and meowing at arm's length, how should we react? Meow back? Talk to him? Or just move away and give him space?

Just talk to him in a calming soothing voice. See if you can get a dialogue going with him. Or meow back! lol. but since you've described that he's not so fond of human contact, don't attempt to touch or pick him up. Just talk to him and see what he does. Some cats like to talk, Pixel might be one of them. 

And NEVER underestimate the power of voice, and a sooth calming tone. Does WONDERS for the cat.

 

[smokem]

do you think your grief is affecting your judgement?

wow so many folks had suggestions and prior experience...

 

[vbcatparent]

I totally agree with @Lamiatron  about when he talks to you. Remain calm, don't stare at him, and respond to each meow as if you're having a conversation. My cat did that with DH a lot in the beginning. He's trying to figure out how to interact with you. Speak with a high tone, say his name a lot, and use words like pretty or beautiful. Cats don't speak English, but I swear they know what those words mean! 

These subtle moments may seem like nothing -- or totally puzzling -- to you, but they're a big deal to him. Remember that it seems he never spent much time with humans and doesn't know how to work with you. He's experimenting to see how to get what he wants from you. 

Praise his small advancements with positive but subdued praise. Don't smother him with cuddles when he does something right. Call him a good boy and get in a good rub or scratch behind the ears. He will eventually figure out that petting feels good, and then he'll learn how to get it from your kids.