Friendship?

[pombina]

Wow. In a few years she is going to look back at herself when she was 18 and go oh my god and hang her head in shame (hopefully). I don't think there is much you can do. You have told her until you are blue in the face and she is not going to listen to you, and you are getting hurt in the meantime.
I know it's hard to let her get on with it when you see the path in front of her and she doesn't, but some people cannot and will not be helped. They have to figure it out on their own.
Don't give up on her all together because hopefully one day she will come to your door having seen the mistake she's made and ask for your forgiveness.
Until then, don't let her have this effect on you. Don't call or text her, just make excuses when she wants to see you, because like you said you are probably just filling in the gaps for when he's not there.
One thing I will say, having been in a relationship which ended badly, yet we carried on 'seeing' each other, this can feel very degrading, yet you like the person so much you delude yourself into thinking this means you will get back together so you keep going back for more. At some point you realise it is just sex and it is a very sad feeling.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by Pombina

Wow. In a few years she is going to look back at herself when she was 18 and go oh my god and hang her head in shame (hopefully). I don't think there is much you can do. You have told her until you are blue in the face and she is not going to listen to you, and you are getting hurt in the meantime.
I know it's hard to let her get on with it when you see the path in front of her and she doesn't, but some people cannot and will not be helped. They have to figure it out on their own.
Don't give up on her all together because hopefully one day she will come to your door having seen the mistake she's made and ask for your forgiveness.
Until then, don't let her have this effect on you. Don't call or text her, just make excuses when she wants to see you, because like you said you are probably just filling in the gaps for when he's not there.
One thing I will say, having been in a relationship which ended badly, yet we carried on 'seeing' each other, this can feel very degrading, yet you like the person so much you delude yourself into thinking this means you will get back together so you keep going back for more. At some point you realise it is just sex and it is a very sad feeling.

Its just so hard to see someone that is/was so close to you go thru something like this.

I told her today that I'll always be here for her, but until then - I wont be contacting her until she wants to talk to me.

This sucks!

 

[pombina]

You've done the right thing though. You are miserable because of her and thats not fair. Just try and remind yourself that she isn't too concerned about hurting you, so why should you be...
Keep an eye on her if you can though, I hope she doesn't get too far out of her depth.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by Pombina

You've done the right thing though. You are miserable because of her and thats not fair. Just try and remind yourself that she isn't too concerned about hurting you, so why should you be...
Keep an eye on her if you can though, I hope she doesn't get too far out of her depth.

I know - its like she doesn't care if she hurts me - but the moment I step out of my comfort zone and try to help her and I get kicked to the ground. I don't understand how a guy who gets you to do drugs, and claims to make her "feel good" is better than a friend who has been there thru thick and thin.

She told me today that he "understands her" cuz they come from the same type of family, (divorced parends, unloving family) and I just can't understand because my family loves me and we are all so close. That doesn't mean that I don't understand!!

 

[yosemite]

It's definitely time to back off and give her time to come to her senses. As long as you make yourself available for her to take advantage of she will do it.

I once had a "friend" who really used me and I would end up in tears alone at home. I finally just pulled the plug on the relationship - yes it hurt me but she was the really big loser - she lost a really good friend.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by Yosemite

It's definitely time to back off and give her time to come to her senses. As long as you make yourself available for her to take advantage of she will do it.

I once had a "friend" who really used me and I would end up in tears alone at home. I finally just pulled the plug on the relationship - yes it hurt me but she was the really big loser - she lost a really good friend.

Thats what I've done now - I told her that I'm here if she wants to hang out - but I'm done helping her with that situation and she knows how I stand.

She does have a lot of growing up to do, I just hope she realizes soon what she's done.

The guy this is over, is wanting to move 2 hours away for schooling and she's been sad over that - I bet anything she'll move with him when he leaves - that'll end up with nothing good in the end.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Awww...that all stinks. But I think you did the right thing. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

Awww...that all stinks. But I think you did the right thing. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out.

Me too

She saw John today and asked if he could get a hat and a sweatshirt that she had left here, and she said that she couldn't come over to the apartment cuz I had told her I was mad at her. Sometimes I wonder if she its 18, or 8 - cuz they both seem like the same age right now! I told her that I'm still here for her, but yet she's still turning things around on me.

Sometimes I wonder why and how people can turn around like this.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

She's got to be completely insecure. Very immature. Time should help her. I know it's hard to watch someone do that to themselves.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

She's got to be completely insecure. Very immature. Time should help her. I know it's hard to watch someone do that to themselves.

It is really hard - I do have some really great friends (LIKE YOU ALL!) that are here, that know the whole story. John feels really bad about the whole thing - he's just blown away by the whole thing too.

I'm still ready for that TCS world wide tour!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

Originally Posted by babyharley

It is really hard - I do have some really great friends (LIKE YOU ALL!) that are here, that know the whole story. John feels really bad about the whole thing - he's just blown away by the whole thing too.

I'm still ready for that TCS world wide tour!

Oh my gosh... I don't know what I'd do if we had a huge meet up! We'd all have to be walking around with our SN's on our shirts for starters. I doubt I'd recognize most of us in person. That would just be the best!

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

Oh my gosh... I don't know what I'd do if we had a huge meet up! We'd all have to be walking around with our SN's on our shirts for starters. I doubt I'd recognize most of us in person. That would just be the best!

I think it would be awesome - if I won the lottery, I'd get myself a plane and fly to each state to see everyone. I could handle getting away right now and seeing some mature people who actually care! Whats weird is that we've all never met, but you guys are so caring, and listen to me vent about all this - I

you all!

 

[MoochNNoodles]

It's like there is some odd connection between us on here. I don't think I've laughed and hurt so much with so many people. It just amazes me. I feel honored to laugh and hurt with people on here. And it feels good to know people laugh, hurt, and everything in between with me too. Sorry we've gone a bit off topic, but it just goes to show what a good friend you really are!

 

[karmasmom]

babyharley, you seem really smart and have your life together. This may sound harsh but long ago someone once told me that if you die with 5 close friends then you are a winner. It still rings true. Sometimes in life we have to say goodbye to a freind because in the end they won't be there. I have been known to fire all my friends in the past and move on. The best you can do is move on with your life, don't forget about her, pray for her. If she ever comes back you will be there. Just don't let her mistakes bring you down.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles

It's like there is some odd connection between us on here. I don't think I've laughed and hurt so much with so many people. It just amazes me. I feel honored to laugh and hurt with people on here. And it feels good to know people laugh, hurt, and everything in between with me too. Sorry we've gone a bit off topic, but it just goes to show what a good friend you really are!

Oh its okay!

I'm just glad I have people to talk to, I know John doesn't always like to see me hurting and listen to "girly stuff"

I just hope this all passes - I haven't talked to her all day (besides the emails).

I hope she's making the right desisions, and not blaming me for what goes wrong.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by KarmasMom

babyharley, you seem really smart and have your life together. This may sound harsh but long ago someone once told me that if you die with 5 close friends then you are a winner. It still rings true. Sometimes in life we have to say goodbye to a freind because in the end they won't be there. I have been known to fire all my friends in the past and move on. The best you can do is move on with your life, don't forget about her, pray for her. If she ever comes back you will be there. Just don't let her mistakes bring you down.

Thanks

I told her that I would never shut her out of my life - its just all so complicated and weird, I never thought in a million years this would happen, we were so close!

I have NEVER ditched a friend b/c of a guy - girl friends are there thru thick and thin (supposed to be anyways) and guys (like him) just are only the kind of person that wants her around when HE wants her.... I just don't understand her train of thought and how she can choose him after he's hurt her so much, instead of a friendship that has helped her get thru breakups and family problems. But then again - she says I just don't -understand-.

 

[white cat lover]

This might sound stupid, but I am going to say it anyways.

Tell her you want to sit down & talk. Sit her down somewhere quiet & private. Tell her that the e-mails she sent you hurt. Cry if you want to or have to. Tell her that you are so worried about her that you don't even know what to do anymore. Tell her you understand that she relaly wants this guy, but while she is waiting for him, her prefect man(who knows how to treat her) is waiting for her. Tell her that she isn't overweight. She is beautiful the way she is. In your eyes, no matter what she weighs, she is pretty. A man who really cares about her won't care what she weighs. He won't care about the color of her hair, he will love her for who she is.

I have gotten good at the pep talks. My big sis has been battling depression for years & she tells me I always make her feel good. The only thing you can do it tell her the exact truth. You aren't mad at her, but it frusterates you to see the things she is doing for a guy you don't think is good for her. You have to make her feel good about herself, then she might see through things.

Maybe you need to take the weekend to think about what you can say to her. If you need some kitty hugs, come to the HS tomorrow morning while you are home. I'll be there from 10am-2pm & there are some good huggers & one good "kisser" there. They always make me feel better.

 

[babyharley]

Originally Posted by white cat lover

This might sound stupid, but I am going to say it anyways.

Tell her you want to sit down & talk. Sit her down somewhere quiet & private. Tell her that the e-mails she sent you hurt. Cry if you want to or have to. Tell her that you are so worried about her that you don't even know what to do anymore. Tell her you understand that she relaly wants this guy, but while she is waiting for him, her prefect man(who knows how to treat her) is waiting for her. Tell her that she isn't overweight. She is beautiful the way she is. In your eyes, no matter what she weighs, she is pretty. A man who really cares about her won't care what she weighs. He won't care about the color of her hair, he will love her for who she is.

I have gotten good at the pep talks. My big sis has been battling depression for years & she tells me I always make her feel good. The only thing you can do it tell her the exact truth. You aren't mad at her, but it frusterates you to see the things she is doing for a guy you don't think is good for her. You have to make her feel good about herself, then she might see through things.

Maybe you need to take the weekend to think about what you can say to her. If you need some kitty hugs, come to the HS tomorrow morning while you are home. I'll be there from 10am-2pm & there are some good huggers & one good "kisser" there. They always make me feel better.

You know, I've tried and tried to "pep talk her" and tell her all those things, but she says that it does't matter, the only thing that matters is what HE thinks - I'm just so frusterated. I haven't talked to her since yesterday - she is just acting really immature and I think that its an eye opener on how "true" this whole friendship was in the first place.

Awww, I'd love to come to the HS tomorrow, if we were gonna be home! We're heading to Mankato to do some shopping!

I'm ready to get away and be with my family, thats for sure!