I guess I'm not sure what you can do or say now. Maybe just let her vent, yell or whatever she does. Sounds like she's just frustrated overall with what's going on with the drugs and him and she's taking it out on whoever. Just don't take it personally as it sounds like she's treating everybody that way.Originally Posted by babyharley
I did that too, and she sent me and email this morning asking why whenever she brings up smoking and him that I get all quiet and don't care?
DUH - CUZ I DON'T CARE!!
Then she told me that I was being snotty and rude.
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Friendship?
- Thread starter babyharley
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- #22
I just take it personally when people call me out and treat me badley after I've been there for her through everything and now she treats me as if its my problem that she got into the drugs and such. She knows I don't like that stuff!
Wow...unfortunately women get this way. This can happen at any age...18, 25, 39.
I know you want to keep the friendship, and you've said everything you can. I think this is something that she's going to have to figure out herself. Once someone reaches 18, they feel that they can do anything and that since they're considered an adult they know whats best for them. So by you telling her that you don't care for this guy and how she's handling things, that's just adding fuel for the fire.
i.e, "I'm adult enough to know what I want, and by her telling me this isn't right, then she just doesn't know me".
I would try contacting a local clinic. See if you can't find an org that's related to a this situation...relationship dependencies, etc. Then talk with the therapist of that group to get some ideas.
All in all though...I know you want to keep her as a friend, but sometimes you can only do too much before you have to walk away from the situation.
I know you want to keep the friendship, and you've said everything you can. I think this is something that she's going to have to figure out herself. Once someone reaches 18, they feel that they can do anything and that since they're considered an adult they know whats best for them. So by you telling her that you don't care for this guy and how she's handling things, that's just adding fuel for the fire.
i.e, "I'm adult enough to know what I want, and by her telling me this isn't right, then she just doesn't know me".
I would try contacting a local clinic. See if you can't find an org that's related to a this situation...relationship dependencies, etc. Then talk with the therapist of that group to get some ideas.
All in all though...I know you want to keep her as a friend, but sometimes you can only do too much before you have to walk away from the situation.
I'm tellin ya....left hook right cross!
It's your decision if you want to hang out with her and take the abuse as well.
If you don't like it then maybe you do need to get some time away from her until she figures herself out.
My best friend and I have been friends since we were 9... when we were 18, she shacked up with a guy very much like your friends guy. drugs, booze... you name it. My life was taking a different direction. I wrote a letter, several pages long, and placed it in their mailbox after their mail had been delivered, but they weren't home to retrieve it yet. I told her I valued our friendship and wished we could remain friends, but that our lives were now vastly different, and that I needed to direct my attention to college. When I didn't hear from her right away, I figured she was mad at me and I'd now lost the only best friend I had.
fast forward nine months: my dad was out taking his morning walk around the local college campus (we lived right behind it and she lived just below it on the hill). He spotted her waiting for a bus, so he stopped to chat with her. She mentioned they were moving out of that house within the next few weeks, but neither of them made mention of the soured friendship. When my dad got home later, he mentioned it to me at the family breakfast. I thought about it, and what he told me. That afternoon, i drove down to the house. the boyfriend was there... he called her out of the back room and when she saw me, she started crying... heck, we both did. we sat and talked for ages.
She had cooled down on the drug thing, even though he still did them. shortly after that day, they got married, had two baby girls (she went 100% cold turkey from drugs when she found out she was pregnant with the first girl, even though she was barely doing them anymore). when the second girl was a year old, she had an epiphany. He was never going to change. So, she called me, we rented a trailer for my truck, loaded up as much as humanly possible, and loaded the girls into their carseats. She moved to Reno with her parents.
Now, several years later, she's remarried to a really great guy. the ex-hubby is still doing drugs. but she's been clean for 14 years. She wizened up. No, it wasn't overnight. It wasn't easy. But it did happen.
So, my suggestion is this: write a letter, tell her in it that you care about her her welfare. But that your life is different. Then walk away. Just for a while. it may take her some time to learn her mistakes. But SHE has to learn them herself. She will find someone to love her for WHO she is, no matter how much she weighs. But she has to learn to love herself first. It'll hurt... both you and her. But you have to be tough with her. tell her you care for her, but you can't deal with her abuse of your friendship. You are not her verbal punching bag. You'll be there for her when she needs you, but she needs to take care of herself. Then walk away. If she values your friendship, she'll come back. But she has to be clean of drugs when she does. It's tough... but just refocus your attention on your life: school/work/whatever. if you see her on the street or in the mall, say hello in passing... maybe sit down and talk, if she wants. But if she starts in on the blame game with you, just walk away.
I know it's tough to do. Maybe talk with her mom and explain what you're doing and why. She sounds like she understands completely. Hopefully, from a distance, she'll see what you're accomplishing while being free of drugs... and maybe she'll get the message. But you need to deal with your own life first.
fast forward nine months: my dad was out taking his morning walk around the local college campus (we lived right behind it and she lived just below it on the hill). He spotted her waiting for a bus, so he stopped to chat with her. She mentioned they were moving out of that house within the next few weeks, but neither of them made mention of the soured friendship. When my dad got home later, he mentioned it to me at the family breakfast. I thought about it, and what he told me. That afternoon, i drove down to the house. the boyfriend was there... he called her out of the back room and when she saw me, she started crying... heck, we both did. we sat and talked for ages.
She had cooled down on the drug thing, even though he still did them. shortly after that day, they got married, had two baby girls (she went 100% cold turkey from drugs when she found out she was pregnant with the first girl, even though she was barely doing them anymore). when the second girl was a year old, she had an epiphany. He was never going to change. So, she called me, we rented a trailer for my truck, loaded up as much as humanly possible, and loaded the girls into their carseats. She moved to Reno with her parents.
Now, several years later, she's remarried to a really great guy. the ex-hubby is still doing drugs. but she's been clean for 14 years. She wizened up. No, it wasn't overnight. It wasn't easy. But it did happen.
So, my suggestion is this: write a letter, tell her in it that you care about her her welfare. But that your life is different. Then walk away. Just for a while. it may take her some time to learn her mistakes. But SHE has to learn them herself. She will find someone to love her for WHO she is, no matter how much she weighs. But she has to learn to love herself first. It'll hurt... both you and her. But you have to be tough with her. tell her you care for her, but you can't deal with her abuse of your friendship. You are not her verbal punching bag. You'll be there for her when she needs you, but she needs to take care of herself. Then walk away. If she values your friendship, she'll come back. But she has to be clean of drugs when she does. It's tough... but just refocus your attention on your life: school/work/whatever. if you see her on the street or in the mall, say hello in passing... maybe sit down and talk, if she wants. But if she starts in on the blame game with you, just walk away.
I know it's tough to do. Maybe talk with her mom and explain what you're doing and why. She sounds like she understands completely. Hopefully, from a distance, she'll see what you're accomplishing while being free of drugs... and maybe she'll get the message. But you need to deal with your own life first.
That is such a hard situation!!, you are doing the most important thing right now and that is to be concerned for her welfare. As far as her being a bad friend...some people are very easily influenced by other people around them particulary a young woman still trying to figure things out in life, and she's just lost her way.
The only advice I have for you..is that if you care this much about her. Stick with her through it. If she says she wants to loose weight and is going to go about it by starving herself..it sounds like a cry for help more than anything else. Be there for her...even though it will be very hard. Due to the illegal drug use though, I wouldn't be having her over to your house or go over to hers..meet her at a neutral place.
Best of luck..that's one sticky situation.
The only advice I have for you..is that if you care this much about her. Stick with her through it. If she says she wants to loose weight and is going to go about it by starving herself..it sounds like a cry for help more than anything else. Be there for her...even though it will be very hard. Due to the illegal drug use though, I wouldn't be having her over to your house or go over to hers..meet her at a neutral place.
Best of luck..that's one sticky situation.
I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.. is so painful to watch someone you love engage in self-destructive behavior.
I have been in your situation before, but I have also been in her situation, where i feel bad about myself and I am willing to do anything to numb my feelings and get male approval.
The hardest thing is that there is nothing you can to to make her snap out of it until she decides that she wants to change her behavior. If you can continue to stick by her and be a friend to her without being brought down, then that's wonderful! If she does stop eating, that is grounds for some kind of an intervention. Eating disorders are SERIOUS business... it can kill a person.
The best thing you can do is wait and be there when things fall apart with this guy, as they most likely will. This must be sooo frustrating. I'm sorry you have to deal with it
I have been in your situation before, but I have also been in her situation, where i feel bad about myself and I am willing to do anything to numb my feelings and get male approval.
The hardest thing is that there is nothing you can to to make her snap out of it until she decides that she wants to change her behavior. If you can continue to stick by her and be a friend to her without being brought down, then that's wonderful! If she does stop eating, that is grounds for some kind of an intervention. Eating disorders are SERIOUS business... it can kill a person.
The best thing you can do is wait and be there when things fall apart with this guy, as they most likely will. This must be sooo frustrating. I'm sorry you have to deal with it
You know in light of what Driven & Rubslutsmommy wrote, you may need to back off for while. Could be she IS frustrated with the relationship and may be taking it out on you.
Once you back off, she won't have that friend she depends on and might start to take it out on him. In which case she'll start to he's not all he's cracked up to be (uhh..no pun intended on the "cracked" remark).
Once you back off, she won't have that friend she depends on and might start to take it out on him. In which case she'll start to he's not all he's cracked up to be (uhh..no pun intended on the "cracked" remark).
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- #29
After the very rude emails she sent me this morning - I'm leaving town for the weekend and going home to see family. I've only tried to be her friend and be there for her, and I guess that's not working!
The thing is, that she's the one that calls me everyday to hang out and do things, thats what confuses me!
You guys are awesome, thank you SO much for all the awesome advice - I'd type more but I'm @ work - oops!
The thing is, that she's the one that calls me everyday to hang out and do things, thats what confuses me!
You guys are awesome, thank you SO much for all the awesome advice - I'd type more but I'm @ work - oops!
Totally off topic but I thought I would let you know that you're actually UNDERWEIGHT. I'm 5'8 and my doctor says that I should be AT LEAST 160lbsOriginally Posted by babyharley
Tried that - she is ony interested in him - she is 20lbs overweight and said that in order to lose the weight, she's gonna stop eating all together. She even told me that I should be considered overweight if she is! Ok, I am 5'7", 145lbs - she is only 5'5 and about the same weight I am - a little heavier. I am not classified as overweight - she just is like trying to make me feel guilty for her gaining the weightShe said that if she loses the weight, then maybe he'll want her back - I don't understand
The real thing that gets me is the drugs - how she was SO agaisnt them, and now she smokes weed about once or twice a week or so.
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- #31
Well, thats good to knowOriginally Posted by Oscarsmommy
You're actually UNDERWEIGHT! I'm 5'8 and my doctor says that I should be AT LEAST 160lbs
I haven't talked to her all day (she went somewhere w/ her family today)
I'm just confused and hurt, I never thought she'd end up being this way!
You have given her your advice, your opinion, and tried to give her your support. She is obviously not ready to accept any of this. What's happening is that YOU are ending up feeling guilty and hurt, when you are only trying to do what is best for her. That is not fair, and it is not a healthy friendship.
If you really want to continue your friendship with her, the only thing I can see working is that you back off of the whole subject. She already knows where you stand. When she comes to you for advice, remind her that you have given it and she refused to take it. When she wants sympathy, tell her you are sorry that she is hurting, but you are not the one who put her in this painful situation. Remind her every time that you love her and you don't want to see her hurting. Other than that, do not discuss this guy or her relationship with him.
Good luck on this one, it is a very difficult position to find yourself in with someone you truly care about. You're right, though. She has to make her own mistakes. The best you can do is be there for her when she finally realizes she's made one.
If you really want to continue your friendship with her, the only thing I can see working is that you back off of the whole subject. She already knows where you stand. When she comes to you for advice, remind her that you have given it and she refused to take it. When she wants sympathy, tell her you are sorry that she is hurting, but you are not the one who put her in this painful situation. Remind her every time that you love her and you don't want to see her hurting. Other than that, do not discuss this guy or her relationship with him.
Good luck on this one, it is a very difficult position to find yourself in with someone you truly care about. You're right, though. She has to make her own mistakes. The best you can do is be there for her when she finally realizes she's made one.
Oh that's a tough one. Poor thing, I think I can understand a bit why she thinks this way, but I can also see she's only running herself in circles. Pretty soon she could have dug herself a ditch and created a lonely island. She's defiantly going to need a good friend to see that that doesn't happen. But you can't be a good friend by letting her verbally 'beat up' on you. I would listen to her, but when she starts blaming you, tell her gently but firmly that you are not her verbal punching bag and that you are her friend and there to listen, but at the same time, if she doesn't want your advice or opinion then she should consider that ahead of time. In reality, she probably wants desperately to be more like you. That's probably why she keeps calling you.
It's going to be yucky any way you look at it. BTW...isn't it true that starvation diets actually make you gain weight at first? Because your body senses that it's not getting fed so it starts storing everything as fat? I wish I weighed what she does, and I'm her height. But the thing is, I waited for a good man, and I feel like a beauty queen when I'm with him.
It's going to be yucky any way you look at it. BTW...isn't it true that starvation diets actually make you gain weight at first? Because your body senses that it's not getting fed so it starts storing everything as fat? I wish I weighed what she does, and I'm her height. But the thing is, I waited for a good man, and I feel like a beauty queen when I'm with him.
Depends on bone structure/genes I think.Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy
Totally off topic but I thought I would let you know that you're actually UNDERWEIGHT. I'm 5'8 and my doctor says that I should be AT LEAST 160lbs
Well, everyone else have given GREAT advice, there isn't much left to say. I just want to wish you the best of luck, however it turns out... lotsa (((((((HUGS))))))) to you, you're a great person to be so concerned about her even after what she's said to you and how she's made you feel.
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- #35
Thanks everyone - the advice you have all given is just great.
John was really upset tonight when I came home and told him what happend. Especially after the emails she has sent me this morning and made me feel like a bad person for caring. The weird thing is that I don't ever bring up the situation, she's the one who brings it up, and I always tell her that she knows how I feel about it....sometimes I think she's just looking for the attention, only b/c she's not getting it from the boy she wants.
When she's with him, she's the happiest girl in the world, even though he's not good for her @ all!
But when he's with his friends, or neglects to call her, she's depressed, I don't wanna eat-never gonna find a man again-type girl. Not only is it stressful on her- but for me too!
I've been there for her time after time when he's ditched her, listened to her cry and even when he didn't call her on her birthday and called her an "Attention Fein", I took her out with a bunch of our friends to celebrate her birthday -she ended up having a few drinks and later told me that the only reason she went out with us and had a good time is b/c she got drunk and tried to not think about him. (Even tho she called him about 10 times that night & he didn't answer, she even went as far as to call his MOTHER to see where he was at) That hurt me, b/c I took it as her only trying to have a good time cuz of him, not because I took her out. I never got one thank you for that either.
I'm just starting to wonder where I stand with her. Am I a friend? Or just someone to fill the place when he's not around?
Thanks for letting me vent... you are all so great, seriously, a life saver!!
John was really upset tonight when I came home and told him what happend. Especially after the emails she has sent me this morning and made me feel like a bad person for caring. The weird thing is that I don't ever bring up the situation, she's the one who brings it up, and I always tell her that she knows how I feel about it....sometimes I think she's just looking for the attention, only b/c she's not getting it from the boy she wants.
When she's with him, she's the happiest girl in the world, even though he's not good for her @ all!
But when he's with his friends, or neglects to call her, she's depressed, I don't wanna eat-never gonna find a man again-type girl. Not only is it stressful on her- but for me too!
I've been there for her time after time when he's ditched her, listened to her cry and even when he didn't call her on her birthday and called her an "Attention Fein", I took her out with a bunch of our friends to celebrate her birthday -she ended up having a few drinks and later told me that the only reason she went out with us and had a good time is b/c she got drunk and tried to not think about him. (Even tho she called him about 10 times that night & he didn't answer, she even went as far as to call his MOTHER to see where he was at) That hurt me, b/c I took it as her only trying to have a good time cuz of him, not because I took her out. I never got one thank you for that either.
I'm just starting to wonder where I stand with her. Am I a friend? Or just someone to fill the place when he's not around?
Thanks for letting me vent... you are all so great, seriously, a life saver!!
I hate to say it, but she is using you.
You have offered help and she doesn't want it.
I would distance yourself from her for a while and then see how things go further down the track. Once she sorts herself out, then you can rekindle the friendship.
But its not worth it if it is cauing you this much pain.
I know it sounds horrible, but you have to think of yourself first.
Good luck
You have offered help and she doesn't want it.
I would distance yourself from her for a while and then see how things go further down the track. Once she sorts herself out, then you can rekindle the friendship.
But its not worth it if it is cauing you this much pain.
I know it sounds horrible, but you have to think of yourself first.
Good luck
I'm at a loss to tell you how to handle it. I know that people who think they're in love will destroy themselves sometimes over someone. She's probably doing those things to get him to like her more, but he won't. Hopefully it will be just a phase she goes through, and she'll get sick of the lifestyle and be done with him. I hope she realizes what a good friend she has in you!
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Right there you have it, I'm afraid. She sounds like a spoiled little girl who must have attention focused on her. When he's not giving it to her, she forces you to do so. Part of it is her age, part of it is a personality flaw on her part. She thinks she is an adult, yet she's acting like a child. Nearly everybody gets their heart broken...most of us several times. She's behaving as if she is the first and only person to endure this pain.
The decision you have to make is how much you are willing to put up with. You have a great big, wide open heart. She knows this, and is using it to her advantage. She's projecting her insecurities on you (you are not overweight btw), and she will continue to do so as long as you let her. It's manipulative and abusive.
Ask yourself some questions: In your conversations, when was the last time she asked about you? When was the last time she made you feel good? When was the last time she listened to your advice without becoming defensive and nasty? When was the last time she called to hang out with you just because she enjoys your company, and not because she is on the outs with him? When was the last time you enjoyed talking to her, or hanging out with her.
Friendships come and go in life. There is no shame if you decide that it is time for this friendship to end.
You deserve to be treated better than that.
Been there, done it. All I can say, is she wont hear your advice till she is ready. It's not as easy to see how bad a situation is, when you're in it. If you want to be there for her, let her know that you're there. But unfortunately you can't do much to help her until she is ready to be helped!
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- #40
Well, I got an email from her this morning pretty much stating that I "make her feel bad" and the boy that she is "in love with" makes her feel better than I do. So I told her that we shouldn't hang out as much anymore - and that if she can forgive him after he has hurt her SO much in the past (cheated and such), that maybe someday she can forgive me too?
She told me that she is figuring out who she is, and thats what life is about, and yes I agree - but that doesnt mean that you choose a guy who is obviously quite bad for you, over a friend who has helped you thru so much pain and sorrow over that same guy!
I just can't believe this is happening. Well, I kinda can. She doesn't have many friends, she loses friends really quick - I guess this is why!
I'm glad I have you guys
She told me that she is figuring out who she is, and thats what life is about, and yes I agree - but that doesnt mean that you choose a guy who is obviously quite bad for you, over a friend who has helped you thru so much pain and sorrow over that same guy!
I just can't believe this is happening. Well, I kinda can. She doesn't have many friends, she loses friends really quick - I guess this is why!
I'm glad I have you guys
