Then I'd pick go surprise him and stay for awhile.
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Fighting w/ Husband (rant)
- Thread starter emb_78
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- #102
I have not read the whole thread, I am only up to page 6 or 7 yet
I just wanted to send you some hugs and hope things will work out the best way.
I was in a very abusive relationship for 6 years, mentally abusive. I often wished he would actually hit my so I would have a clear reason to leave.
I loved him so much, but he had made my so totally dependent on him, that I felt he was my only friend and life without him was unthinkable, so I would have never taken the step to leave him, even though I knew it would have been the best thing to do. But loving somoone very much, because you have been so vert close in an relationship for years is not the same as having a happy live together, and not a reason to stay together it he is making you feel bad. (I dont know you or your relationship, so I am really not "qualified" to say whats best for this specific relationship, just in general, from what I have read so far).
The actual best thing that has happened in my life, is that my terrible ex had an affair and I found out, and after having us both for a few months (since he had totally driven my to the ground and I let him hand on to me, knowing about the other relationship), but then we parted and I was sooo miserable, having "lost" the one I loved so much...........but after a while (a hard while) I got to find myself and my happiness and freedom to live, feel, have opinions, have bad hairdays, have friends, dress the way I wanted, free to invite my guests to the living room, free to use the cd player, free to have tea in the evenings, free to have a cat (he considered all cats terrible creatures that should all be killed and didnt even allow me to pet a passing cat, and it I did it anyway he made sure I washed my hands the moment we got home without touching anything...) and I realized how good it was to be free from the man I thought was the only one I would ever love, and I would just make our live together work, because some lives were worse. I could go on for a long time with this but I´ll stop here...
This got to be longer than I planned, I was just trying to say, that of you feel like your life would be better without him, and if he makes you feel bad, you might actually be right! Your life might actually be better without him, even though you love him so much now and even though you have been together for such a long time and even though your parents make it work!
You have to put yourself in first place, this is your life, your happiness. Maybe your happiness isnt there, but somewhere else.
Its better to be alone and happy than in a bad relationship!
Good luck!
I'm sorry to hear about this. I've been through two relationships that were kinda ick.
But for example my last relationship, my boyfriend (fiance) was like my dream guy in the first few months of our relationship. Then he would completely try to control everything I did, he got jealous if I wanted to hang out with friends without him, and if I wanted to go out and see family members. Mind you I spent like 95% of my time with him, and when I did spend time with him alone, he would totally ignore me, or just talk about the things he liked, he would totally change the subject when I had something to say. In front of friends and everyone else he would put on a show. He could go do whatever he wanted without question. I did love him, so I stuck around bcause I thought he would change and it never happened.
I don't think he would have ever cheated on me, but the way he made me feel about everything I did, or he would yell at me and say I wasn't going to be anything great in work or life ever, like he was.
The reason why I stayed so long was because I thought he would change, and every time I would try and break it off he would beg and beg that he would change, that or lock the door and not let me leave the room until we resolved our problems. Thats when I knew I needed to get out of the relationship because I didn't know what would come next if I was forced to settle.
In some ways it made me depressed from everything he had said about not being good enough or always being ignored. It made me feel like I was a toy there for entertainment at times when he was bored. I stuck around because I was used to the situation and was used to dealing with it. I was comfortable.
But you gotta think in the long run about your future, if he can go out with his friends and party and go have fun without you when you are feeling this way, do you think you could stand that forever? Is that a way someone that loves you is suppose to act? If he wanted to work things out he would be there trying to work those problems out.
Don't think badly of yourself, I know crappy relationships can do that to yourself. When you work so hard to change someone, and that work changes you into something you didn't want to become. The more confident you are in yourself the more appealing you will be to others.
The best thing to do would be to most likely let him go do whatever it is he is going to do, but before that tell him that you love him and care about him but you can't stand being put last before everything else. Tell him that you deserve to be on the top of his list like he is with you. And then give him his space. He will either use it to think or not.
I know change is hard, I have the worst problem with change. I had to deal with lots of arguements and fights when my mom and dad broke up. I will try and save a relationship that some people would laugh at and say, "wow I don't know how you could ever put up with that." because I watched them do it so many years. It took me almost a year to get over my 3 yr relationship and finally realize that there was nothing I could have ever done to fix it. It's hard, but in time you get better, you meet people that make you feel so good about yourself that you then think what a fool you were to even have been sad.
some things that may help.
*don't act interested in what he's doing.
*don't tell him what you are doing in full detail (this will get him thinking about what you are doing)
*be more assertive, tell him how you really feel.
*if you call him often limit it to less than a call a call a day. he should be the one calling you, and he will if he actually cares.
*you should try hanging out with some friends or make some friends.
anyways you sound like a nice person, you shouldn't let him bring you down.
and no matter what cold comfort is always cold.
But for example my last relationship, my boyfriend (fiance) was like my dream guy in the first few months of our relationship. Then he would completely try to control everything I did, he got jealous if I wanted to hang out with friends without him, and if I wanted to go out and see family members. Mind you I spent like 95% of my time with him, and when I did spend time with him alone, he would totally ignore me, or just talk about the things he liked, he would totally change the subject when I had something to say. In front of friends and everyone else he would put on a show. He could go do whatever he wanted without question. I did love him, so I stuck around bcause I thought he would change and it never happened.
I don't think he would have ever cheated on me, but the way he made me feel about everything I did, or he would yell at me and say I wasn't going to be anything great in work or life ever, like he was.
The reason why I stayed so long was because I thought he would change, and every time I would try and break it off he would beg and beg that he would change, that or lock the door and not let me leave the room until we resolved our problems. Thats when I knew I needed to get out of the relationship because I didn't know what would come next if I was forced to settle.
In some ways it made me depressed from everything he had said about not being good enough or always being ignored. It made me feel like I was a toy there for entertainment at times when he was bored. I stuck around because I was used to the situation and was used to dealing with it. I was comfortable.
But you gotta think in the long run about your future, if he can go out with his friends and party and go have fun without you when you are feeling this way, do you think you could stand that forever? Is that a way someone that loves you is suppose to act? If he wanted to work things out he would be there trying to work those problems out.
Don't think badly of yourself, I know crappy relationships can do that to yourself. When you work so hard to change someone, and that work changes you into something you didn't want to become. The more confident you are in yourself the more appealing you will be to others.
The best thing to do would be to most likely let him go do whatever it is he is going to do, but before that tell him that you love him and care about him but you can't stand being put last before everything else. Tell him that you deserve to be on the top of his list like he is with you. And then give him his space. He will either use it to think or not.
I know change is hard, I have the worst problem with change. I had to deal with lots of arguements and fights when my mom and dad broke up. I will try and save a relationship that some people would laugh at and say, "wow I don't know how you could ever put up with that." because I watched them do it so many years. It took me almost a year to get over my 3 yr relationship and finally realize that there was nothing I could have ever done to fix it. It's hard, but in time you get better, you meet people that make you feel so good about yourself that you then think what a fool you were to even have been sad.
some things that may help.
*don't act interested in what he's doing.
*don't tell him what you are doing in full detail (this will get him thinking about what you are doing)
*be more assertive, tell him how you really feel.
*if you call him often limit it to less than a call a call a day. he should be the one calling you, and he will if he actually cares.
*you should try hanging out with some friends or make some friends.
anyways you sound like a nice person, you shouldn't let him bring you down.
and no matter what cold comfort is always cold.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #105
Glad to hear it was his move, wishing you nothing but the best of luck
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I agree, I think it's important not to come accross like you're whining and begging for him, then he'll just feel more free to act whichever way he wants.Originally Posted by halfpint
Glad to hear it was his move, wishing you nothing but the best of luck
Some people are in abusive relationships, like I would say LisAngel and PollyAnna were. Your husband sounds mostly selfish to me. And that can change. Not necessarily, but I know there's hope for the selfish. He has to realize first, what kind of misery he puts you through by behaving this way, and be motivated to change. And though I would never marry a guy like this, even if the relationship had lasted years, I view it differently once you ARE married. Then I'd try to save the marriage. Of course I'd also try not to bring kids into this kind of marriage, but I do see marriage as a commitment. Not if you're being abused or if he's cheating on you, but for these kind of problems I think a couple should try to work things out. Again, many couples go through very hard times but can get through it and have a happy marriage.
I strongly recommend long term marriage councelling. It can do alot of good if it's a good counceller. Not all of them are good ones.
Having said all these things, I would also say not to just run home and think everything will be all well. Go home, but talk to him and let him know you are expecting him to work on the relationship as well, and that there are things he need to change if this is going to work. Show confidence and that you're not a sissy he can treat whichever way he wants. You're not his toy!
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Would you like a Mans opinion on the subject? or should I avoid the claws headed my way
If you have to play little games to get his attention, you are probably better off without him because eventually he'll catch on to the games and you are still going to be ignored and treated as less than you are.
Work on yourself, your confidence and worry less about him and his shortcomings. Nobody is more attractive than someone with confidence - do this for you - not for him.
Work on yourself, your confidence and worry less about him and his shortcomings. Nobody is more attractive than someone with confidence - do this for you - not for him.
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couldnt have said it better myself. Those are some great words.
It is important that you regard your marrage as something worth saving. Marrage is not disposable. However you should be able to meet with him in the middle. Recognition that both sexes think and operate differently is very important. You, being woman, need to develop your sense of what you want as best you know yourself. Feel confident in yourself your actions and knowing that what you want isnt selfish or demanding. Talk to him as your equal and attempt to let him know how his shortsightedness is hurting you.
Attempt to be calm and rational. Save the bitter emotions for when you are alone. Dont let him get angry. if he does; dont raise your voice. Nothing carries more weight in an arguement than a wisper or calm voice.
No man knows what a womans mind holds, but every man can identify conditional games being played and absolutely hate them. It will make him feel cornered and untrusted.
It is very difficult for a man to feel like his home and his friends are one in the same. Many a man will do his best to keep them separate due to him feeling that his immaturaty that comes out with his buddies will seem belitting or hurtful to his wife or he feels just plain silly being that way with the woman he loves.
It is not a reflection on you. He needs to see and understand that while all Mens friends are very important to us, nothing matters more than the life he has created with his wife. many times the life with his friends and with his wife do not "get along" but that doesnt mean they cannot coexhist. Its about compramise from both of you. It appears from what you have said, that you are doing most of the compromising.
A man or woman are still very similar to children, is respect to they will continue to do what they have been doing, until they realize that it is either not right or hurtful to someone they love. If he loves you, and i suspect he does, he will do what is right too.
Good luck. be patient. No one thing or saying will "fix" this overnight.
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Ok I read your thread, and my advice is based on my own experiences and nothing more. Give your husband the distance he is asking for. In his absence work on your conflicts and issues. Find a job, get involved in a community project, show him (without telling him) that although you love him, you do not need him to be a whole person. I sense you feel that you do need him to be complete. This can be very smothering to a person. If your live revolves just around him, when do you have the time to find yourself? High school sweethearts or not, both of you need to be independently happy within yourself to make this work.
Yes it is hard to be without someone you care for, but the more you insist on being with him, when he really doesn't want to be bothered, the more damage this relationship comes under. And it is not a life of games, manipulations and lies. It is the joining of two people, complete before joining, whose lives compliment each other. You should have laughter in your home, love and laughter. You say you love him but you "don't trust him?" Leopards seldom change their spots, do you want to live with someone where you are always questioning their motives and actions simply because you do not like the sound of silence in the night?
Read this thread from beginning to end, just your replies and you will see what I do, someone that is insecure within themselves, wanting another person to set them on a secure path and he is not willing (according to what I have read) to do this. It is a lot to ask of someone, to say basically this " I am not happy in my life right now, and I am unsure why- but could you please just stay with me and make me happy?" Been there, done that for 10 years before I caught him with my best friend. Walk away for awhile, and establish yourself. Maybe when you know what you want out of life, where you are going, when you have a job and good friends, you will find he really doesn't fit the bill anymore, or maybe you will find that he does. But give yourself the time and space to figure it all out, or you might be assigning yourself to a life that will never complete you, no matter what.
Yes it is hard to be without someone you care for, but the more you insist on being with him, when he really doesn't want to be bothered, the more damage this relationship comes under. And it is not a life of games, manipulations and lies. It is the joining of two people, complete before joining, whose lives compliment each other. You should have laughter in your home, love and laughter. You say you love him but you "don't trust him?" Leopards seldom change their spots, do you want to live with someone where you are always questioning their motives and actions simply because you do not like the sound of silence in the night?
Read this thread from beginning to end, just your replies and you will see what I do, someone that is insecure within themselves, wanting another person to set them on a secure path and he is not willing (according to what I have read) to do this. It is a lot to ask of someone, to say basically this " I am not happy in my life right now, and I am unsure why- but could you please just stay with me and make me happy?" Been there, done that for 10 years before I caught him with my best friend. Walk away for awhile, and establish yourself. Maybe when you know what you want out of life, where you are going, when you have a job and good friends, you will find he really doesn't fit the bill anymore, or maybe you will find that he does. But give yourself the time and space to figure it all out, or you might be assigning yourself to a life that will never complete you, no matter what.
If someone leaves YOU thinking everytime they are around or are leaving, that is the worst feeling in the world, and I don't think anyone has the right no right at all to hurt you.
I agree with Hissy also... I think if people understood that you teach people how to treat you. I used to let everyone walk on me, I alway's had hurt feeling but I would never say anything, 10 years ago my life changed in a minute when my first hubby of 34 years died from cancer at 50, That was a tough thing, but it made me a better person it made me be who I knew I needed to be, sad to say it made me toughen up.
You do need to do something for you, don't sit around untill he's ready, just keep busy, you may find a differant person inside yourself.
I agree with Hissy also... I think if people understood that you teach people how to treat you. I used to let everyone walk on me, I alway's had hurt feeling but I would never say anything, 10 years ago my life changed in a minute when my first hubby of 34 years died from cancer at 50, That was a tough thing, but it made me a better person it made me be who I knew I needed to be, sad to say it made me toughen up.
You do need to do something for you, don't sit around untill he's ready, just keep busy, you may find a differant person inside yourself.
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #114
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Erin, Middletown gave his opinion. It is above in the posting
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #116
I really really hope that everything goes well for you, keep your chin up!
Hoping everything works out for the best!
- Thread Starter Thread Starter
- #120
Thanks for all the thoughts and vibes!!!
Tim and I went out to lunch and got some pumpkins. We talked and we are both going to work on things! He said this is the last chance we have.(
) We are oing to carve our pumpkins tonight and hopefully we will get through this and be happy together!!!
