Family? or Love?

[willowsmom]

I decided to post this poll only because for the past 2 years my family has been very upset with me because of the man I have choosen to share my life with. And I am curious as to what all of you would do in a situation like this. so here's the long story.......

I met this guy when I was dating his best friend. He is a nice sweet guy who I ended up falling in love with after 2 weeks of knowing him as a friend. When I first met him he was jobless with no intention to get one. since then he has worked for 6 months at a 7-11 which he lost, and now he's doing a paper route only making 150 a week. He has a 3 year old son that he doesn't get to see but maybe every couple of months when his mom who has custody of him decides that dakota needs to see his father, and owes 3,000 dollars back child support. He treats me like gold! all the other men I have dated have abused me emotionally and this man has never done anything to hurt me not once! but my family thinks that he is using me for my money and my house. I consider this man my Husband and I refer to him and just that! My parents and siblings have stopped talking to me unless it's an emergancy. when I do talk to my parents their first words are.....so have you dumped the loser yet? He still has some issues that he needs to grow up and change. yet since he has been with me he has grown alot to the point that even all the friends he used to have tell me what a change I have made in him (and don't want to hang with him anymore, But they were all immature little freaks) His money goes into my bank account to pay bills, and to supply us food! My parents know all this and still seem to think that because he doesn't make more money then I do that he is using me. So ANYWAY! what would you guys do??

 

[tamme]

hmm, well I had the same sort of problem. My mom didn't like Darrell, in fact ated him because he was the b/f that was taking her little girl away from home. He was fat and older and worked at a gas station. She encouraged me to go out with him in the first place, but then hated him when I did date him. She was an alcoholic though and didn't see Darrell for the guy he was, she just saw a guy was taking her daughter away in a car and that's all she needed (with her imagination) to hate him. Now that she's sober she loves Darrell. My dad has always liked him and gave us our blessing way before we even moved in together.

So I guess I chose love. But if it was a matter of life or death... that's a harder one and that's why I picked "let time tell".

 

[yayi]

It may be silly asking this but the your poll asks "Family or Love?"but you are giving 3 choices. I understand the first 2 but what is the 3rd?

LET TIME TELL: meaning wait for the family to accept him (what like 2 years is not enough? or wait for hubby to grow up some more?(maybe there is some doubts after all?)

 

[willowsmom]

Let time tell......I belive that there is a reason for everything. so basicly it means......Should I just go with what my heart tells me until I see/feel something different if ever. I know I love him and I know that yes I have doubts about "us" because I am the kind of child that has ALWAYS done what mommy and daddy say to do. but in this case I can't. Not with what I see him as, Not with what I feel. But between the family that loves and cared for you since you were an infant and a man you have only known for 2 years and just riding the wave sorta speak. Which would you choose?

I have currently been pushed away from my family but not by my choice, and not by the choice of my guy. But by the choice of my family. Heck my Birthday was Oct 1st and out of everyone I normally get a Happy B-day call or card from the only person I heard it from this year was my guy and my best friend living in Rhode Island. 2 people. Not even my mom and not my once best friend brother. I guess that is why I posted this. I want to reasured that sometimes Love does come before family. and that I could be making the right choice for me. I am tired of not being a part of my family all because I keep choosing to stay with a man I love. compared to Leaving him because my family doesn't approve of him.

 

[tulip2454]

I think its very sad that any one has to make those sort of choices. You are not a fool, you value this guys good points but are aware of the bad. Nobody ever sees what goes on in private between two people and its a shame that you feel torn. Personally I would stick to your own choice to be with the person you feel is right for you and hope that your family will accept this is a 'grown up' decision. If things do fall apart I hope they will be there for you. Thats what family is supposed to be about. We may not agree with the choices others make but it should not change the way we feel about them. If this is the guy you are going to grow old with -good luck to you and I hope your family realise before it is too late 'cos there is nothing worse than regret.
Anyway whats the big deal about the money situation - where is it written that a bloke should earn more than a woman. surely this is a partnership not a power stuggle. As long as the bills get paid and the food gets bought why should it matter who funds it. No one ever questions when a bloke pays for everything why should they question if you are in a better position to do it? My sister is highly paid etc and her partner cannot work so she pays for everything and he looks after her - they have a relationship that i would kill for!!!!
So stick with it if it feel right - if it doesnt thens the time to question it.

 

[suzy]

My feeling is the family to have chosen for yourself (husband, children) needs to come before your family of origin if, sadly, it comes to a choice.

Having said that...you seem well aware of the warning signs that this man has made some bad choices. And the family of origin tends to be the one that has to help pick up the pieces if a relationship with someone 'questionable' ends. It makes sense to me that your family of origin would be concerned about your decision and his motives. Does that justify talk like 'Have you dumped the loser yet?' Not if they honestly expect you to listen to their concerns.

If he is truly making you happy, hopefully that will become apparent to your parents with time.

 

[lorie d.]

I have know people who were involved in similiar relationships. It takes more than love to make a long-term relationship work, and being in love doesn't always mean that you have found the person who is truly right for you. You may or may not be seeing this man realistically right now. I think your family is actually thinking of your best interests, and it's possible they are concerned about some other things more than they are about the money. You are the only one who can make a decision, and the only one who knows what this man is really like, so as long as this relationship feels right, I think you should let time tell.

 

[hopehacker]

I don't feel the family has a right to tell you who to love, however, in this situation, they may be seeing this guy in a more objective manor than you are, because you love him. It's great that he treats you like gold, but he needs to be more responsible, in my opinion. That being said, I still don't think your family has any right to put you in a situation where you have to make a choice. They should love you and accept you no matter what your choices in love. If I loved someone, that the rest of my family disapproved of, I wouldn't let their feelings affect my love for him, and I would "wait and see" if he starts getting his act together. I figure if he loves me, he would WANT to.

 

[purrfectcatlove]

My fam. was against Mike when we dated , just becours he was a american man . Boy did I have a hard time with them . My dad was ok with Mike and like him . But I think they were afraid I will move away one day and also that he may not treat me right when we are in the us . Well they were all wrong , we are still together and he treats me right . But in your case I voted Time will tell . I do see so many man going back in their old ways after a time and then the hole situation may be differend for you . But you need to know what you want in your life . I also know that your parents only wants the best for you and I guess they don't know how els to show and tell you . I don't believe that your parents doing the right thing the way they react to you . But believe me that they still love you and want the best for you and your life . I think they are hurt and in grieve that you don't have the best you could have in their mind .

 

[hopehacker]

PurrfectCatlove - Where are from originally?

 

[mzjazz2u]

I think you should just give it time. Sooner or later your family will come around. Just love them the way they are from a distance. I have to do this with my parents and our relationship has grown since I started accepting what they offered me instead of always fighting for the family I always wanted. I don't know if that makes any sense. When someone told me this, it didn't to me at first.

 

[purrfectcatlove]

Hope , I am german

. I thought by now all people know with my spellings and the way I turn the sentence backwards

 

[bren.1]

Hedi, your English is very good, your "backwards sentences" add charm to your posts, just as an accent would when you speak.

I guessed you are German from your name.

Willows Mom--my s/o and I went through some rough times with my family, although they never cut me off. It wasn't pleasant, but they have finally seen that he treats me properly and he isn't going away. I was also the good girl who always listened, so it was really hard for me at times. I felt like I was torn between the most important people in my life. Thankfully, they get along now, and we even went camping together for a week this summer.

I hope your family realizes that it's your decision. You are an adult, and as long as your s/o treats you the way you deserve, your family should back off. Many women make more than their husbands/boyfriends. We live in a time when women are able to take care of themselves, and not depend on a man. That was another issue with my parents, too.

 

[ttmom]

I'm not going to take the poll, but let me tell you this. My family hated my ex, he didn't have a job and he had a few things going on, but he treated me well. Then things started falling apart and he started abusing me, I was lucky to get out of that relationship alive.

I am now married to a man no one would have ever guessed I'd marry and my family LOVES him and he treats me well.

Your family doesn't have to like your husband, but if he's a deadbeat Dad I'd think twice about having children with him. He doesn't sound responsible, but if you can live with him being irresponsible and it's not causing any psychological issues for you then you're fine. Just think twice about the kids. His child should be number one in his life, even over you and it doesn't sound like it is. My husband has a child from a previous relationship too and this child is number one in OUR lives. So I don't choose hubby over family or vice versa, but I would kill to protect that child.

 

[melissa]

Thats a tough call...I know what its like to have to choose between family and a man I loved. I have found though, that in the end it was my family who was there for me when things fell apart. Good luck with your situation.

 

[blondiecat]

Speaking from experience here, I was married to a man for 18 years that I thought that I loved dearly. I had a beautiful daughter with him who is now 25.

My parents and family didn't like him because of the way that I was treated. There was mental and physical abuse as well as him sitting on his @ss while I supported my daughter and the household. My family tried their best to accept him but was constantly pushed away by him.

My daughter will have nothing to do with this man now because of the way that he treated her as she grew up. There was never a kind word to her nor a loving embrace when she needed it from him. He was always to busy with his friends to have time to spend with the people that really mattered.

I don't have all of the answers for you this is a decision that you will have to make for yourself. Family to me is the most important thing. They are always there for you no matter what. If I was in your shoes I would try to bridge the gap with my family before it is too late.

Now that I have a new husband(we will be married 1 year on the 19th of this month) I am truley glad that I finally saw what was going on in my life back then and did something about improving my quality of life. I have went back to school and now have a degree in accounting, a very good job, a wonderful man how loves me for me, and some very beautiful grandchildren. My parents and family have always stuck by me even through the worst times in my life.

 

[purrfectcatlove]

Brenda , awwwww thank you .

 

[tuxedokitties]

Others have said it well - Your family is probably seeing things from an outside and possibly more objective viewpoint, and are seeing the warning signs of this man's past irresponsibility (and present irresponsibility - if I understand correctly from your post, he's still not catching up on his child support - I do hope that he is trying to start paying it). That being said, it's wrong of them to put you in the position of having to choose - you need the strength of family, people that you know & trust will love you no matter what.

You are an adult, and can make your own decisions. I hope that they will accept yours. I voted that time will tell - hopefully love will make a difference and he will mature and become more responsible with time. For your protection, though, please don't even think of having children with this man until he shows that he can be responsible for the child he's already helped to create.

I had a (shorter and without children, thank goodness) version of Cathi's experience. I met a man that treated me (at first) like I was a princess, which was wonderful after my previous relationship with a cheater. My family had doubts, but I thought I loved him. He had children from a previous relationship that he didn't support - his explanation was that she had remarried. I supported him for several years, and anytime I tried to get him to be more responsible he would treat me badly - he eventually fell into a pattern of abuse. My life fell apart, and it was only after visiting my family and feeling loved and respected again that I had the strength to get out.

The man that is now my husband is responsible and kind and loving, and we took a good long time to get to know one another before we got engaged. I thank God every day for bringing us together. My family liked him from the minute they met him. Members of both of our families actually encouraged us to get married.

 

[deb25]

Well, Willows Mom, I have to echo what I have heard others post. I don't necessarily agree with the way your family is handling this situation, but I do understand why they are acting the way they are. You fell in love with this guy after 2 weeks? He had no job and no intention of getting one, even though he has fathered a child for whom he has responsibility? Now he makes 150/week. Frankly, it's no surprise to me that he treats you like gold. Sounds to me like you are his meal ticket. There are more thinga to a successful and lasting relationship than feeling 'in love'. I would be very hesitant about thinking of having children of your own with this guy. Part of growing up means being responsible. I realize this may sound somewhat harsh, but you asked. Your family is likely concerned about what the future holds for you in this relationship.

 

[jellybelly]

Arghh...this is a tough question, I'm wondering what yours and your new love's ages are? And why does he not have any incentive or drive to get a real job that pays well? Also the question would be are you the only daughter in your family? The youngest one? Were you always the type to follow and listen to your parents or are they the overprotective, possessive type? There are a lot of questions that could probably help better let us understand what's going on. Then you kinda fell in love with him after dating his bestfriend of two weeks right? What was so appealing of him that was different from the guy you were dating? Were your parents okay with the first guy? Anyway....

I would echo what everyone's saying, but we're not in your shoes and don't know what's all going on here, which is why I posted all those questions, which you don't have to answer, this is your private life. However, a marriage is something you work at, both partners. After awhile of 'passion' and 'love' you'll find out if he is really what you want for you. Is he really helping you emotionally, spiritually, mentally? What goals does he have say in 6 months, one year, two years from now. Does he have any interest to take care of his child or will he just leave it to his mom to take care of his responsibility? Anyone can donate sperm to make babies, but to be a real father is to take full responsibility and if he's that far in debt with child support, it doesn't seem like he's the go-to type of guy that will take care of his business. If you were to have children with him, would he run out on you also, how would he be able to support you while you're pregnant and then in the hospital and then with babies? Having that kind of income doesn't support a family. Nor does it sound like he really wants to be a 'responsible man.'

At the same time I don't know how your family is, if they are really concerned or if they are those type that if you don't listen to them, they automatically disown you out of arrogance. I think you should have a serious talk with your parents and with your 'love' and see what you can or can't work out. In the long run, you're the one who has to live your life and if this is what you want, then so be it. You reap what you sow.

I'm really sorry that I can't be much of help or that these advices may be a bit harsh.