Falling apart

[Furrywurrypurry]

I haven’t been around this neck of the woods for long. I don’t even know if this is the right place to post this. I came here looking for advice about a new kitten after losing my 14 year old boy to cancer in February. He was my soul mate.
I still had my 13 year old girl when I got the new kitten. Then a few weeks later my girl was diagnosed with an inoperable tumour.
There are lots of layers to everything I’m feeling, I’ve been incredibly blessed in my life in recent years and so I’m in one of those places where it feels like I’m overdue a phase where everything turns to s**t.
And it seems like it is relentless, for the past 12 months it has been absolutely relentless, I know covid is a funny subject for many but it has literally decimated the males in my immediate family, some vaccinated some not. This is just scratching the surface. I still am incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, I have so many things to be thankful for, but equally I feel like I am falling to pieces.
I feel like what has happened with the cats has triggered an episode of depression, I’ve had it in the past. And I feel as though my coping mechanisms are deserting me. I’m by no means in a black hole that I can’t get out of but I’ve completely lost the ability to find joy in things. I’m going through the motions (which is good because I’ve been where I’m not able to do that) but I’m struggling. I’m questioning my sanity, I’m crying at the drop of a hat. I know it will get better and that’s what keeps me going but I honestly question so much on so many days whether or not I’m still a normal human being to be feeling this way. I feel so lost, so untethered, I have a lot of amazing support I really do, but I feel like I’m literally blowing in the wind because I can’t seem to get back to who I was before I lost my boy. He was everything to me and in many ways he was my coping mechanism because I turned to him for comfort. I don’t think I’ve had chance to grieve for him because my girl got sick and now I feel trapped in this limbo, watching her going through the same thing but unable to grieve for him and unable to help her.
Sorry people I just needed to write this down somewhere

 

[Furballsmom]

It's part of why we're here, to give people who don't have anywhere/anybody else who understands a place to just "be" when this happens ...

whether or not I’m still a normal human being to be feeling this way.

Covid was The Thing that took my Dad, long distance (and I'm an only child). We lost our angel Poppycat last fall after 13 years. It hasn't been until just last week that I've had a real honest to goodness straight-up belly laugh.

You're right, you're caught in limbo. I don't know, sometimes we just have to work our way through things one step after another, whether we make it back to where we were before, or end up somewhere new.

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

It's part of why we're here, to give people who don't have anywhere/anybody else who understands a place to just "be" when this happens ...

I can’t articulate just how much I appreciate that at this moment in time.

I’m so sorry about your dad. I really am. And about your baby. As selfish as it may sound it helps me so much to know that other people go through the same thing

This is what I mean about appreciating how lucky I am. My dad has been left with polymyalgia and needing a heart valve replacement plus bypass directly as a result of covid (we know because he had a pre op for minor hand surgery 2 days before testing positive and was fighting fit) but he is still here and I’m so grateful, because I know you’d have your father back, with all the ailments I’m describing, in an instant, I don’t want to sound insensitive at all.
Covid has taken 2 of my uncles and left 2 of my nephews aged 22 and 18 partial sighted. One went completely blind but thankfully has recovered. I think there is something to be said about certain genes as it is all on my fathers side.

Thats literally it for me at the moment, I am putting one foot in front of the other until I get to some place better. I know I will, one day. It’s just hard at the moment to see the other side. I’m being everything I can be for my babies and giving them everything I can. And when I’m around them I’m ‘on’ , I’m me. It’s in those quiet moments when it’s just me and my thoughts, I can be driving in the car, lying in bed, cooking something, I cry, I miss my boy, i worry about my girl, I feel guilt for bringing a kitten into her life, I wonder if I’ll ever be the same, I question everything, I wonder so many times a day, whether or not I’m still me anymore. I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m not sure what to do with it or how to process it.
Thank you so much for replying

 

[Furballsmom]

I’ve never felt anything like it and I’m not sure what to do with it or how to process it.

You're absolutely not selfish or insensitive, I promise.

I honestly think some of this isn't us, it's also what we're living through. It's gotten a little cliche' but these really are unprecedented times, and when we have such challenges in our personal lives we don't have anything usual, typical or normal anymore to work with/hold onto from outside of us.

 

[marshmallow2013]

I haven’t been around this neck of the woods for long. I don’t even know if this is the right place to post this. I came here looking for advice about a new kitten after losing my 14 year old boy to cancer in February. He was my soul mate.
I still had my 13 year old girl when I got the new kitten. Then a few weeks later my girl was diagnosed with an inoperable tumour.
There are lots of layers to everything I’m feeling, I’ve been incredibly blessed in my life in recent years and so I’m in one of those places where it feels like I’m overdue a phase where everything turns to s**t.
And it seems like it is relentless, for the past 12 months it has been absolutely relentless, I know covid is a funny subject for many but it has literally decimated the males in my immediate family, some vaccinated some not. This is just scratching the surface. I still am incredibly lucky and incredibly grateful for all the wonderful things in my life, I have so many things to be thankful for, but equally I feel like I am falling to pieces.
I feel like what has happened with the cats has triggered an episode of depression, I’ve had it in the past. And I feel as though my coping mechanisms are deserting me. I’m by no means in a black hole that I can’t get out of but I’ve completely lost the ability to find joy in things. I’m going through the motions (which is good because I’ve been where I’m not able to do that) but I’m struggling. I’m questioning my sanity, I’m crying at the drop of a hat. I know it will get better and that’s what keeps me going but I honestly question so much on so many days whether or not I’m still a normal human being to be feeling this way. I feel so lost, so untethered, I have a lot of amazing support I really do, but I feel like I’m literally blowing in the wind because I can’t seem to get back to who I was before I lost my boy. He was everything to me and in many ways he was my coping mechanism because I turned to him for comfort. I don’t think I’ve had chance to grieve for him because my girl got sick and now I feel trapped in this limbo, watching her going through the same thing but unable to grieve for him and unable to help her.
Sorry people I just needed to write this down somewhere

You are not alone. I still feel empty from losing my soulmate cat, Mittens so suddenly. I hate being home and not seeing him. Hardest part is my husband still can’t understand how much I loved and miss Mittens. My deepest condolences for your loss of your beautiful boy, Smeagol. And what you are going through with your girl, Precious. I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

I am so, so sorry. And, to some degree, I have been where you are, although each person's experience is different. COVID took, between friends and family, 12 people from me. And I feel it every day. I have lost beloved animals...so, so many of them. What I have not done is faced loss upon loss, human and animal, in such a short space of time. I am somewhat in awe of the fact that you are functioning at all, although...when things are blackest, the fact that my girl needs her daily meds gets me out of bed and moving when nothing else would. You are bent, but not broken. Come here and talk whenever you feel the need. We are here, and we care.

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

You are not alone. I still feel empty from losing my soulmate cat, Mittens so suddenly. I hate being home and not seeing him. Hardest part is my husband still can’t understand how much I loved and miss Mittens. My deepest condolences for your loss of your beautiful boy, Smeagol. And what you are going through with your girl, Precious. I’m so sorry. Sending you hugs.

Thank you

My husband and family have been wonderful really but I know it’s getting to the point where they are starting to think enough is enough and that life should move on. If I knew how to move on I wouldn’t be sat here writing this.

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

I am so, so sorry. And, to some degree, I have been where you are, although each person's experience is different. COVID took, between friends and family, 12 people from me. And I feel it every day. I have lost beloved animals...so, so many of them. What I have not done is faced loss upon loss, human and animal, in such a short space of time. I am somewhat in awe of the fact that you are functioning at all, although...when things are blackest, the fact that my girl needs her daily meds gets me out of bed and moving when nothing else would. You are bent, but not broken. Come here and talk whenever you feel the need. We are here, and we care.

I’m so sorry to hear of your losses. As you say it’s different for everyone.

just feel sometimes like I might scream if I don’t get the things in my head out and writing them down helps to somewhat ‘get them out’

Honestly the routine with the cats is also what is keeping me moving. I get up at 5am every day with them and I do think that if I didn’t have them to wake up for it would be very easy to find an excuse to not get out of bed. I know that no feeling is permanent and so this too will pass, I just so desperately want to feel like me again.

Thank you for caring.

 

[Mia6]

Maybe seeing a therapist would help.

 

[di and bob]

Just like with cats, 3 months is nothing related to grief. You are very early in the grieving process, and time is truly the ONLY thing that helps our minds process our feelings and emotions. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. Many of us felt the exact same things you are going through, and each and every one of us felt alone and totally isolated. The world just keeps on going on, but for us, it has stood still. The way it was, and the world in the past, seems alien and totally out of reach. But that is why we are here, to tell you that here we are, we stood in your shoes and are here to help others through it.
I was a mess, for YEARS. I wouldn't allow myself to feel any kind of happiness. Everything I loved i either lost pleasure in or resented it for intruding. The one thing that did help when I finally realized it, was to live in the present. Do not dwell on the past, there is not a thing you can do to change it. It brings nothing but sadness and tears. Do not think of the future, right now it is bleak and unending. Keep yourself firmly rooted in today. You have that other little one that needs you right now, and that new one. Let them give you comfort, they want to. Your grief will always be there, it will come out when you least expect it, as time goes by you will learn ways to manage it. You never get over something like this, you get through it.
Don't beat yourself up. You did nothing wrong. All you did was love that sweet boy and give him the best life he could possibly want. Even if mistakes were made, you learn from them. Guilt comes from knowingly committing an act you know is wrong. You did what you could with what you had.
The bond of love you developed over the years will ALWAYS be with you. Love is spiritual so eternal. "Death cannot take that which never dies". Remember that. He will always be as close as your thoughts and prayers.
Go forward into the future and try to live it as you would have wanted him to go forward if you were the first to go. Seeking life's happiness and beauty, that is love and he wants no less. He would not want for you to be so sad.
The pain is as deep as the love. So of course this is so terribly painful. Pain brings endurance, and endurance brings strength. Right now you don't believe it, but his love will bring you the strength to go on in time.
Right now your world is in ashes. but like the phoenix, his love will rise and bring you happiness in knowing you had that precious boy in your life, that you knew such a love. Though he follows a new path right now, it will always parallel your own, his tiny soul is at peace because of the love you carry for him. Get through the next day, the next month, the coming years, one step at a time. Living each and every day one day at a time........RIP precious Smeagol. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Please ignore those who say, "Enough." I will give them the benefit of the doubt, and say they are concerned for you, but no one can tell you how to grieve. And, as I am sure you already know all too well, those "stages" of grief? Not really a stage. More like a pot of bubbling misery stew, and different "grief veggies" pop to the top...a hunk of denial, a slice of bargaining, a tiny shred of acceptance...they don't come up in any order, and sometimes, oh joy oh bliss OH NO, more than one comes up at a time. Then they sink back down, and something else takes its turn.

You keep writing here, as often as needed, and as much or as little as needed at any one time. We won't desert you.

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

Maybe seeing a therapist would help.

You mean strangers on the internet aren’t therapists? I haven’t lost my sense of humour thankfully.
It’s something I’ll consider if things don’t get better. Thank you

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

di and bob

Thank you for these very kind and incredibly wise words. I can tell they are spoken from a place of experience. I will try to do what you suggest and only focus on today. And to keep in mind all of the wonderful memories that smeagol has left behind. I think I have maybe a week or 2 left with my girl and so I’m going to focus on giving her the most love and care and happiness that I can.

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

This is such a perfect description and probably the main reason I feel so sort of out of control. Because it is such a rollercoaster of emotions that can change momentarily.
Thank you

 

[di and bob]

It sounds like you have a plan, give your little girl all she needs right now, focus on that. I'm so sorry you are going through all this, I know it seems that it will never end. We are here anytime you need us, talking it out helps with people who understand. We can share your burden and make it a little lighter. Bless you for loving them so much.......

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

di and bob i just wanted to come back here and say that your advice and words have done me the world of good. It helps to talk, but doing as you advised and focusing on the present has stopped a lot of the overthinking (I’m notorious for it), the catastrophic thinking, the erratic emotional outbursts and so on. I’m a long way from being fixed but equally I’m a step in the right direction. And I just wanted to say a very very heartfelt thank you for making me feel a little more me again

 

[di and bob]

Thank you, I try to say what has helped me. It seems to take so much longer and hurts so much more if you dwell on the past and see the future as endless. In the beginning, the critical, acute stage, you have to have SOMETHING to focus on. Anything but the pain. As I said, you are not avoiding it, it will always be there, but there is no reason to bring on so much more either. There is always that special little one that absolutely brings us to our knees when we lose them. Each loss hurts, but at times it can completely crush. Just focus on each day as it comes, ONE DAY AT A TIME.......

 

[danteshuman]

Perhaps instead of adopting you can try fostering? My current cat snuck in under the radar & was a foster fail. Plus your senior kitty may pick a kitten she really likes.

I adopted my trouble maker less than a month after my soul kitty died. Jackie helped me through my grief. However I’m not sure if I could have opened my heart to a new cat if I hadn’t started fostering my trouble maker before my soul kitty got sick.

This poem helped me a little & I hope it brings you a small smile:

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

di and bob i think although sometimes advice is given and is clear, it takes someone that has walked the same road to say the words for them to really penetrate and I think that’s what came across from your reply to me. It spoke to my soul. You did me the most wonderful kindness and helped me in a way that I can’t express, just by taking the time to type those words and I am grateful beyond belief. I’m grateful to every single one of you that took that time from your life to write comforting words to a complete stranger. It is something that I will appreciate forever. I was in a pretty dark spot and the kindness shown to me here reminded of the light in the world. Honestly this place is a balm to my soul. Bless each and everyone of you beautiful humans

 

[Furrywurrypurry]

danteshuman that poem brought me to tears but not in a bad way, thank you.

we already adopted a little boy soon after my old boy passed away. However now we are to lose our girl at some point on the horizon, I think it would be good for me to just stand still for a little bit once she leaves us. It’s a lot of change in a short time, I don’t think I’d be able to take on anyone new for a while. However I definitely see more beautiful fur balls in my future and so fostering is something I had never considered but will definitely look into when that time comes. Thank you for the suggestion and the beautiful poem