can i get a man's point of view? girls feel free to chip in too

[ugaimes]

Originally Posted by LottomagicZ4941

I have often wondered why gals stick with abusive men. Why do women marry these guys?

*They hope they will change/believe their promises (during the honeymoon stage) to that effect
*They are afraid that they will be hurt or killed if they leave or even attempt to leave
*They want their children to grow up with 2 parents
*Misguided religious/cultural/social beliefs
*Their parents were in an abusive relationship and they've come to accept that abuse is normal in a relationship
*Financial reasons
*Lack of support, either by friends, family, or their community
*They love their abusers (often the #1 reason)
There are many more reasons why people stay with their abusers (since you are being verbally abused by your wife and say that you saw the signs before you married her, you should understand that) and many people enter into/stay in abusive relationshps for a number of reasons.
What's more important, rather than sitting around wondering "Why doesn't he/she LEAVE?" is to ask ourselves "What can we do to help or try to help others who are in these relationships?"

 

[sashacat421]

Originally Posted by Deb25

Lotto, ....

I realize that the thread title asked for a man's opinion. However, being new to our site, perhaps you should ease your way into sensitive issues by reading and getting to know the people to whom you are posting.

Thank you Deb, this really is the way to go. Even as a woman on the site, it makes no difference...I really wanted to take my time to understand fully the entirety of personal and/or sensitive threads. I know we all can feel like it hits a sensitive nerve, but honestly, take your time --perhaps read, be informed- before responding on deeper levels than just to voice up without regard for the whole person behind the thread, not just letters typed on a screen.

 

[tigger]

hehe this actually is kind of entertaining to read, in a way

I kind of skimmed thru much of this .. Thank you for the support, etc.
To those of you who dont knw .. I tried to get him to go to counseling, but he said it would not work. I am the one going to counseling to better myself so I dont say things anymore. When he tells me stupid stuff like "you arent psyhic and you dont know what the future may hold for us" it puts me a step backwards. Heck, I still try to do this. He's the one who wont go fix our problems .. and dont forget, he confided in another female at work about our problems.
Hes the one who from what he has told me, never took our vows seriously enough. Hes the one who told me he never should have married me. Hes the one who said hes felt like this for the last damned 7 years. Did I say horrible stuff when we got in fights/ Yes, I will admit it & I can NEVER EVER take that back, so I am partially to blame. Had we gone to counseling TOGETHER, I THINK we could have worked thru our issues. But, he wont give me the time of day on that.
Oh and another thing he tells me "I dont want to be in a relationship right now" I dont want to be married"

 

[katl8e]

Originally Posted by Pat & Alix

Folks, we need to stop this. It isn't about Tigger anymore, and it needs to stay focused on her and what she needs of us.

I just am not reading/responding any further to replies that are off this topic or unhelpful to her. I am too blunt when I read something I find absurd.

Tigger - sending you a huge hug, and wishing I could give you all the answers, or that I had a crystal ball to tell you why your dh has done this or is behaving this way.

In the end, you need to survive, to protect yourself, to care for yourself well. You have no idea, I often think none of us does, how many lives we touch day to day. You are important, more than you know, and we want you to heal and be happy again.

As I read through this thread, these were my thoughts, exactly. As someone who has gone through a particularly painful divorce, in the not-so-distant past, I'm putting in MY two cents:

Tigger, you have to look out for YOURSELF. HE wanted out and a new life. In pursuit of that, he forced YOU to build a new life. Go for it GIRL! Living well is the best revenge.

Lose weight, get a new hairdo, buy some killer shoes or get a tattoo - whatever it takes to make YOU feel good. I did all of the above, except for the tattoo and it worked wonders. Do it for yourself, though. If you don't want to do anything that radical, a bubble bath and chocolates will do. This is one of those times that hedonism is good therapy.

 

[turtlecat]

OH My GOODNESS!

Listen buddy, i'm sorry your family has so many marital issues! I'm sorry that things are rough between you and your wife, and I'm happy that you are looking to YOUR god to help you see your way through it! But for the love of that god, note that this is a thread meant to help someone in a totally different situation, not your wife trying to leave you. Please stop projecting your marital issues on another person, and projecting your religion that relationship as well. Does it occur to you that not all the worls, nor all the united states is christian, and therefore does not need to be flagged about with biblical talk? To me it is quite clear in her original and subsequent posts, that her husband has already left her! how is she to make a go for the marriage in that case?

Furthermore, as she was asking for help, I don't think your self pity is necesary. Perhaps your problem is that you are self centered? It certainly seems like it in this case as you seem to be more interested in talking about yourself than the problem at hand. Believe it or not, I've seen at least 1 other man that has offered an opinion, and he's not been shot down- so perhaps it is that you answered the topic with a controversial and "taboo" response.
Good day.

As for Tigger- Im sorry honey, but he sems to be a real creep.. I hope you get out of the slump he's creating for you.

Denise

Good job taking my quote out of context.

This thread has oviously oppened up some wounds.

I'm just a guy who saw a request for a guys opinion.

Perhpas I was a fool for thinking that my opinion was actually wanted.

Learning is best defined as a relatively permant change in behavior(sophmore level principles of learning). It takes a motivated adult 20 to 21 days to change behavior (psycobable from training at work).

The Bible says to speak evil of no man. Sorry I don't know the reference. I think that is because then it makes it harder for us to improve. As I have said before words have power.

You want a guys opinion. Don't be so critical. Consider the psychological concept of projection. When your accusing someone of being manipulative are you the one being manipulative.

Us men are not mind readers. I only know of this based on this thread. What is the real issue here. Wasn't a guys opinion asked.

I would advise women not to ask for something they don't want.

Once again I think this thread has oppened some wounds. I'm not a bad guy just a guy who saw a request for a simple opinion. And I never advocated anyone remain in an abusive relationship. I am against both verbal and physical abuse.

]

Addendum: HOW- Can you DARE even post that rape and a man losing his job are remotely the same thing? HOW?! A raped person (as it has happened to men as well) feels like an animal.. it doesn't even feel like you're human. you feel like you're forever left with the stigma of being raped, and you don't even know if this person has given you health problems for the future, and you can't hardly trust anyone ... male or female.. ever.. again. your ideas of what it s like tto have all thse pieces of you that are sacred being torn away- the way you think that losing a job is even remotely equal to that.. for a man or a woman.. is insane.

 

[lottomagicz4941]

I never said they were the same thing!!!!!!!!!!!

Psychologist have said that rape for a woman is similar!!!!!!!!! similar!!!! psychologically for a man. Never said they were the same.

Sorry if he did not take the vows seriously. The thread started out asking for an opinion and my opinion is going to be based on my life, education, and religion. I have nothing else to base my opinion on. IF this makes me self centered then so be it. The post started out calling him a jerk. The post did not say he is refusing to go to counseling.

And the whole theory on honey moon phase and that has absolutly nothing to do with the foolish choices of females.

LOL on the telling her to lose weight!!! Why would she not do that for her husband in the fist place if it were needed? And the truth is many of us guys like a gal with a little extra.


PS I'll try and avoid this thread in the future

 

[lottomagicz4941]

Perhpas what this thread needs is some levity. I'm really not a bad guy.

"A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again. "Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happens to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

Guess I know a tad what it is like to try to help someone and get insulted.
My mom always told me to stay out of cat fights.
Hopefully the joke is amusing. Sorry about the failed marriage as that is very tragic. I was real excited to find this site where people seemed kind. Had several people welcome me upon arival.

 

[hissy]

Back to the topic at hand- and hopefully no one tries to hijack this again-

Tigger- I really do hope that you get that book I talked about. It really does speak volumes to someone hurting and it is not "preachy" or over-bearing in any way. Dr. Dobson is a leading family counselor in the United States and this is just one of his many books on marriage, divorce, couples---etc..

 

[diane8704]

Originally Posted by Tigger

hehe this actually is kind of entertaining to read, in a way

I kind of skimmed thru much of this .. Thank you for the support, etc.
To those of you who dont knw .. I tried to get him to go to counseling, but he said it would not work. I am the one going to counseling to better myself so I dont say things anymore. When he tells me stupid stuff like "you arent psyhic and you dont know what the future may hold for us" it puts me a step backwards. Heck, I still try to do this. He's the one who wont go fix our problems .. and dont forget, he confided in another female at work about our problems.
Hes the one who from what he has told me, never took our vows seriously enough. Hes the one who told me he never should have married me. Hes the one who said hes felt like this for the last damned 7 years. Did I say horrible stuff when we got in fights/ Yes, I will admit it & I can NEVER EVER take that back, so I am partially to blame. Had we gone to counseling TOGETHER, I THINK we could have worked thru our issues. But, he wont give me the time of day on that.
Oh and another thing he tells me "I dont want to be in a relationship right now" I dont want to be married"

Good for you for getting yourself into counseling. Thats the first step. And I believe, big time, that you can do this. And if he told he didnt want to be married...then take that as the 2 of you have separate goals in mind and you were headed in opposite directions, anyways. You deserve better than that. You deserve someone who is into you, and who wants to be married to you. I agree with Hissy that you should look into getting that book, or maybe another that will work for you. And take your time. Give yourself time to heal. And good job, again, for admitting that you too, made mistakes. At least you arent putting ALL of the blame on him. But I hope you know that you arent the problem. He is. And I hope that you can get past this, and find someone else, and live the life that you deserved to have in the first place.

 

[nippers]

Hey there. From a guyâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s prospective. First, buy an answering machine. As young boyâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s we are taught that if we are persistent that things will happen. However, even persistence ahs its limits. Tell your close friends and family that you have an answering machine. Next, either change the phone number or buy a cell phone. By all means, do let him have the number. If these steps do not work, then consider a restraining order. I know this is tough way to act, but this guy has no business messing with you. Taking these steps are not being cruel, but rather you are being brave. Remember men were little boys at one time in their life and do notâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji] fight fair. So you need to step out of his arena and make decisions on your own ground. Just thoughts and I hope it helps.


Nips

 

[pinkdaisy226]

Hey Tigger. I have been silently following along with this thread and just wanted to let you know that some people have given good advice - do your best to ignore him. I can't say I know how you feel as you've been married for 7 years, as opposed to my previous relationship of 2 years... but the best advice I can offer is this: take it one day at a time. Every day I had to make myself not call my ex, not think about him. Eventually days turned into weeks, which turned into months and now I'm happier and no longer thinking about him.\\

Oh yeah, I changed my number and my email address so I didn't have to worry about calling him.

Good luck with everything, we're here for you!

 

[jcat]

Tigger, there's really not much I can add here, but while reading the thread, that trite phrase, "He's stringing her along", popped into my head. That's exactly what your husband seems to be doing. He left - he should take full responsibility for the consequences of his actions, and not "dump" on you. Make it clear to him that you're no longer an "option" for him. Analyzing his behavior is a waste of time, IMO, because that's trying to justify his behavior. He's treated you unfairly by not even attempting counseling, so why try to be fair to him or understand him?

 

[yosemite]

I agree with jcat. I say let him know that he made his choice and now you have made yours for your future and that he doesn't fit into it. Let him know in no uncertain terms that you do not want contact with him and that you are getting on with your life. If you have to - change your phone number.

 

[yosemite]

As a response to Lotto - I get the feeling you are "having a bit of fun" here in this thread. If you are being verbally abused perhaps you should seek counselling and perhaps get out of your marriage as well. I hope there are no children in your marriage - that would not be a good example for them to see - God or no God!