Brokenhearted... (Long)

[malakai711]

Okay, I have to apologize in advance because I know that this thread is gonna be long and I'm not sure that I'm not gonna make much sense because I've very emotional right now

but I'll try to explain as best I can... I just need to get this out and maybe someone could offer some objective advice....

Um, where do I start... Well, some of you may have noticed that I've made mention to my 'friend', Adrian... I met Adrian almost a year ago... we met through a girl that I used to work with and long story short, we dont talk to that girl anymore because we found out that she had been lying to both of us about a lot of things... So, about 5 months ago we started spending a lot of time together... We've hung out EVERY DAY for the last 5 months, no exaggeration.... EVERY DAY with the exception of about 5 or 6 days... That's a lot of time to spend with someone... and I'm not talking a few hours here and there, I mean ALL DAY EVERY DAY sometimes for 4 or 5 straight days... 24/7... so it's safe to say that we get along very well and we know each other really well, too... It's also safe to say that I've started to have major feelings for him...

and, I"ve told him this... we've had a few conversations about it and I know that he was very hurt by his last girlfriend and he's made a decision not to be with anyone, he doesnt want to date anyone, sleep with anyone, nothing... but, I guess in my heart I felt that if he knew how I truly felt about him, he might be inclined to feel differently... So, here's my problem... I spoke to his best friend this morning and I told him how I feel about Adrian... that I love him, I want to be with him... that it's not just wanting to be with him for the sake of it, that I truly care about him, I dont want to hurt him... that I gave up practically everything for him, I got kicked out of my house because he is Cuban and I'm Italian and my father is very racist (to say the least)... I've proven my feelings for him over and over... I figured, Lyndon, being his best friend might be able to give me some advice or insight and he tried his best to do that without telling me exactly what Adrian had told him about me.. but, the way he made it sound to me was that Adrian liked me, he wants to be with me but he's scared and that I should talk to him and tell him how I feel... So, I did... it took a lot of courage to spill everything to him, to tell him all the thoughts I had about him, how much he meant to me but I did it anyway... and he told me exactly what he had told me before... "Lyz, I love you, you're my friend, but I dont wanna be with anyone... I've made a decision and that's how I feel"... so, Im brokenhearted...

I told him everything I wanted to tell him, I spilled my guts to him and he still doesnt want to be with me like that... yet, he still wants to spend all his time with me the way we always did... I told Lyndon what he said and he was shocked... He was like 'I'm surprised!" and I'm like 'So, then obviously, he said something different to you than he said to me because you wouldnt be surprised otherwise'... but, Lyndon still wont tell me what he said because he's his best friend and he cant tell me stuff that Adrian told him in confidence... So, I dont know what to do....

 

[jaspers mummy]

I'm really sorry you are so un happy right now

I think if I were you from what you have said I would pull back don't spend a lot of time with him and then either one of 2 things will happen 1 he will relise he misses you and loves you and you will get together or 2 he will go on his merry way and if that happens your better off the main thing is you look after you and it is better to find out now that it is not going to go anywere than to find out further down the track.

I'm not an expert by anymeans in the end what you do has to be right for you so I wish you good luck and I hope it all works out how you would like it to just make sure you look after yourself and remeber you can't make someone love you.

 

[dawnofsierra]

It's so painful to learn someone may not have the same feelings for you as you have for them.

If Adrian doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then it is completely his loss, not yours. I'm so sorry you have been hurt in this manner by this person for whom you've developed such strong feelings. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

 

[malakai711]

I'm just so confused about what he said because we've spent so much time together... He tells me all the time that he loves spending time with me.. We've been through so much together... He's apparently told his best friend that he likes me, which is something because he doesnt usually tell anyone how he feels about girls... He's not the type of guy that chases after a girl, he doesnt talk about things like that so the fact that Lyndon says he's talked to him means that he must have some feelings for me... and the fact that Lyndon is surprised that he 'turned me down' obviously means that he's telling Lyndon one thing and telling me another... so, my question is... is it possible for a guy to have been hurt so badly in the past that he closes himself off to ever being with another girl even if that girl has proved that she really loves him and would NEVER hurt him??

 

[mikonu]

Originally Posted by Malakai711

I'm just so confused about what he said because we've spent so much time together... He tells me all the time that he loves spending time with me.. We've been through so much together... He's apparently told his best friend that he likes me, which is something because he doesnt usually tell anyone how he feels about girls... He's not the type of guy that chases after a girl, he doesnt talk about things like that so the fact that Lyndon says he's talked to him means that he must have some feelings for me... and the fact that Lyndon is surprised that he 'turned me down' obviously means that he's telling Lyndon one thing and telling me another... so, my question is... is it possible for a guy to have been hurt so badly in the past that he closes himself off to ever being with another girl even if that girl has proved that she really loves him and would NEVER hurt him??

My bestfriend was in the exact same situation...

It could be that he still has feelings for his ex, or he hasn't "let her go" yet. Or maybe he's just scared to get involved again. My advice would be to respect his decision and give him space. Give him time to think about what happened and how you feel about him. He will come to realize he either can't be with you, or can't be without you. Just don't wait too long for him to decide.

 

[pat]

Yes, I think some men and women become so hurt they will never open themselves back up, it's their way of trying to be sure they never get hurt again. It is in no way a reflection on you, of the kind of person you are, of how you love him. It's simply his issue.

You say you love him...you'll have to step back and decide if continuing to spend this much time with him when you want more than he wants at this point, is good for him, or for you.

Be protective of yourself...if this is going to hurt you badly, remaining friends only, then tell him you want more, and will be there as a friend, but are not going to give him 24/7 for something that isn't what you want between the two of you. You deserve a relationship where the feelings are reciprocated (and that means admitted to and acted on by the other person).

I would not stay in limbo...some men will happily keep it that way for years, I especially would have a problem if he decided he still didn't want to have a girlfriend but did decide he'd like to start sleeping with you. If you hear that, no matter how much you love him, walk away, you are about to be used by someone you love, and that hurts worse than anything.

Sorry to be blunt, and I'm sorry this was his answer. You can try just continuing on to see if he just needs more time, but I sure wouldn't give it months and months more of your life.

 

[malakai711]

The more I think about it the more I realize that this has everything to do with him and his insecurities and it's not a reflection of me or his feelings for me... You know, he's 22 years old, this girl was the first girl that he fell in love with, it was the first and only girl he slept with and she left him for someone else... So, I understand how hurt he was by it... He wasnt ready to let go of his relationship with her... I, on the other-hand, was with my ex for 4 years, he was my first love, my first everything but our break-up was my decision so I have moved on... I'm not sure that he has quite moved on although he claims that he has... I know that he is very scared of being hurt again... No matter how much I tell him that I have no intentions of ever hurting him the way she did or in any way, i'm afraid he'll never really believe it... It's like Lyndon said 'it's gonna take time for him to see how you feel, telling him may not be enough for him... if you leave him, you're just living up to the expectations that he has of you, that you'll leave him like everyone else did... just give him time...'

As far as us sleeping together... it's a wonder to me but we've spent so much time together and it hasnt happened yet, despite how close we've gotten... He fights himself... He fights the desire... It's amazing to me... I know this topic is way past the realm of this particular forum but I have a question for everyone... Do you believe that here is a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'? I'm curious because Adrian and I have had this conversation...

 

[pat]

Originally Posted by Malakai711

Do you believe that here is a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'? I'm

Without a doubt.

 

[mikonu]

Originally Posted by Malakai711

Do you believe that here is a difference between 'having sex' and 'making love'?

Absolutely. To me, "having sex" is like saying "blah".

"Making love" involves a different realm of emotions.

 

[wellingtoncats]

I don't have any advice for you but

Liza

 

[malakai711]

Adrian and I have had the conversation about 'having sex' vs. 'making love'... and I reminded him of that today when I told him my feelings about him because I couldnt figure out the best way to tell him... so this is what I said.. 'Hey, A, do you remember the conversation we had about the difference between 'having sex' and 'making love' and how we agreed that 'having sex' is something that you do for the physical satisfaction, you can do it with anyone, whether you love them or not... and how, 'making love' is different because that's something that's more emotional and you can only 'make love' to someone you love??' and he was like 'yeah?'... so I looked at him and I was like 'remember last week when we were kissing... there was a point where I looked at you, you were touching my face, and I was looking in your eyes.. Do you know what I wanted to say to you so bad?' and he just looked at me and i said "Adrian, I wanna make love to you'... and he just stared at me... he didnt know what to say... Wow, I dont know why in the world I'm telling everyone that but I guess it's because I've never really felt that way about anyone and I'm amazed by it...

 

[hissy]

something i learned long ago that has stuck with me all these years.

"Boys give love, to get sex, and girls give sex to get love."

You sound quite needy in your posts, and he sounds like he really doesn't need you. I would back away.

 

[lillekat]

Heya sweetie,

That took a lot of guts to tell him all the things you did - and from the sounds of things, he really does care about you not to let all that get in the way of still wanting to spend a lot of time with you. Some guys would hear that and freak out and run a mile - for some reason some men don't tend to be too good at dealing with the innermost thoughts and feelings of their womenfriends. I think you've certainly done the right thing in letting him know - that way it's all out in the open and you don't have to keep thinking "what if?" or "If only...". Those are the two longest phrases in the English language. I'm proud of you - I'd never have the courage to say what you have!!

Sure, Adrian might be a bit taken aback by it - who woudln't be - but he definitely sounds stable and maybe he is thinking about it. He's not just blown you off or decided not to see you ever again. You can't be that scary

Don't say anything else for just now, let this lot all sink in and see what conclusions he comes to

I reckon you've got a goodun there beb... I've got my fingers crossed!

 

[mrsd]

So, why is he kissing you if he just wants to be friends? Does he kiss all of his friends?

He sounds scared to commit. Maybe he still loves his first girlfriend?

I would spend less time with him. Not completely stay away, but put the brakes on your relationship. 24/7 is a lot, even for married people!

Take a few days to spend time alone. Back away from the situation so you can see more clearly. When you're with someone you love, it's hard to think straight.

Listen to music, write out your thoughts, think about what you want in a relationship. You say you love Adrian. Will you love him for the rest of your life? Even if he never reciprocates? Even if he falls in love with someone else?

Sometimes, if we truly love, we have to let go. If Adrian is happiest being single, you have to let him be that way. Or else your love will smother him.

Then again, he could flipflop, see how wonderful your relationship is, and propose. Who knows?

Now, it is up to him. You've made your feelings known. Back away, give him space, and give yourself space. Think about what you're going to do. Are you still going to hang out with him all the time? Are you willing to do that, if that's all he wants? Forever? Or will you always be wanting more? You have to think about your heart too. Even though it hurts.

Be with someone who wants you with all their being. Because being a 'part time' want is NOT enough.

Hugs!

 

[malakai711]

I've listened to everyones advice and believe me I truly appreciate all of you taking the time to read my posts and offer your advice... It's amazing what a night of sleep can do when you're confused about things... I'm still somewhat confused but I see it a little more clearly than I did last night...

I realize how weird our relationship sounds... it sounds weird to everyone, even our closest friends... We spend all our time together, we've blown off our best friends to hang out with each other... We go practically everywhere together and I've asked Adrian why he spends so much time with me or why he hasnt gotten bored with me... and he tells me all the time 'Lyz, you're a great person, I have a lot of fun with you... I choose to surround myself with good people instead of the '@$$holes' I could spend my time with... and you are one of 3 people that I can spend 24/7 with without wanting to kill someone..' I know that Adrian's been through a lot, his mom, aunt and uncle passed away within months of each other... he doesnt talk to his father and his ex-gf left him... so I know how abandoned he feels... I know that he has built up an expectation of everyone that they will eventually leave him... He doesnt believe that people care about him enough to stay, at least, he doesnt believe his friends wont leave... He knows that his God-brother is his only family left and he isnt gonna abandon him but as for his friends, he's not so sure... So, no matter how many times I tell him, I'm not going anywhere, his answer is 'Time will tell'... The point is, I'm very good to my friends, I'm loyal and I do anything I can for them because I'm very selective of my friends and once you've proved to me that you are worthy of being my friend, there isnt much I wont do for you... Adrian knows this and I think that the reason he spends his time with me is because he needs someone that will be good to him, that wont set out to hurt him, that wont leave him like everyone else did... I know that he cares about me, I know that there is a part of him that loves me... I mean, he can look at my face and based on my facial expression he can tell exactly what I'm thinking... He's taken the time to observe me in so many situations and he can tell me things about myself that I never even realized... Little things too, like 'Hey, Lyz? Did you know that when you're happy, you're eyes change color?' So, it's not as simple as "He doesnt care about you"... He really has been hurt deeply and I truly believe that the reason he isnt jumping at the chance to be in a relationship with me is because he has convinced himself that in order to prevent ever being hurt again, to prevent ever being abandoned by someone he loves again is to never let anyone get too close... It's not a reflection of his feelings for me because EVERYONE who knows him has told me, "Lyz, he likes you... He spends all his time with you... He blows all of us off to be with you... He likes you... Tell him how you feel..." It's a reflection of years of deep abandonment issues... and, I think that pulling away from him will only heighten those issues... I need to give him some space but not to the point that I disappear on him or that he really notices and starts to think, 'she's leaving me just like everyone else'...

As far as us kissing... Neither of us are really the type of people who give that away... we dont kiss just anyone, we dont sleep with just anyone... I think it's a combination of being raised a certain way, his mom was very religious and taught him how to respect a woman, my parents taught me that sex is sacred and you don't give it away... and I also think it's our own insecurities and fears that we will give ourselves to someone and they will leave us... But, I think that deep down we both know that we love each other and we're comfortable enough to give a part of ourselves to the other... And, I just thought of something else that didnt occur to me earlier... He's always been like this.. He was friends with his ex-girlfriend for 2 years before he finally realized that he loved her and then they started dating... he spent a year with her before he slept with her and even then he didnt have sex with her for the sake of having sex... They were together for another year and then she left him... His feelings of abandonment started early and she only compounded them by leaving... Wow, revelation! Oh God.. LoL

 

[fwan]

hmm yes italian religion. actually even if italians arent catholic they have such a strong policy towards sleeping with people..

I wont go into it

but i hoe everything the best for you and that it works out with him

 

[blondiecat]

Ken and I have been married two years now as of last October. We took 5 years to finally tust each other enough to take that step. We both had to rebuild our trust in the other as we both were burned severely by the exs.

As for your question about the difference in sex and making love? Oh yeah there is a big difference in those two. Before I meet Ken the guys I was dating were "toys" to me. I wanted sex from them and that was it. My motto was "Use em and lose em" seriously. When one guy I was seeing decided that he wanted to say the

word to me. I told him it was time for me to move on. Yeah yeah I know bad Blondiecat

but that is the way I felt about all of them until Ken came along.

With Ken all was slower and different. It took us a while to trust each other but it was worth it in the end. Good luck with you decision about this man if he truly is worth it wait a little while but don't wait forever.

 

[pjk5900]

I think you already know the answers to most of your questions.
He has been hurt very deeply and to allow himself to trust and love someone is going to take time and patience on your part.
You asked about having sex and making love.
There is no comparison, making love is more of a spiritual thing I guess.
You can have sex in a large variety of ways, but you will know the difference when it is one or the other.
I think he does love you with all he has right now.
Don't pressure him or give him any reason to doubt your feelings for him.
He will just assume it wasn't really a genuine feeling if you pull away now.
Good Luck, I think things will work out for you if you give him time.

 

[captiva]

Originally Posted by dawnofsierra

It's so painful to learn someone may not have the same feelings for you as you have for them.

If Adrian doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, then it is completely his loss, not yours. I'm so sorry you have been hurt in this manner by this person for whom you've developed such strong feelings. Thank you so much for sharing this with us.

I agree with Steph. I'm sorry. That is so hard. If I were in your position, I would probably try to slowly ease back into the life you had pre-Adrian. If he has any feelings for you that he himself isn't aware of yet, they will come out if he starts to miss you. If he doesn't have those same feelings, there is nothing you can do to change it. You shouldn't waste your youth waiting around for him .

 

[clixpix]

Whew! I can completely relate to your entire situation, I've been through very nearly all of it before. You asked if men can be that hurt by relationships, and the answer is YES! In fact, it's been my experience that men who have been burned take longer to get over it than women do...perhaps because we discuss every minute detail with our friends, and men tend to shut down a bit...it's quite a blow to their hearts and their egos.

You've shared your feelings with him, and that's wonderful and necessary. The fact that he cannot, at this point, reciprocate should be respected. As women, we feel that if the man has acted in a certain way, and said "the right things" that he must feel as we do. "He wants to spend all this time with me, he must feel as I do." "He knows me so well, better than anyone, he must feel as I do." Maybe he does, maybe he doesn't. However, he's been clear with you as to where he stands, and that's that.

You are in the midst of what I call the "Pretend Boyfriend Syndrome". He seems like your boyfriend. You want him to be your boyfriend. In public, people think he's your boyfriend. But if he's not willing to be your boyfriend...well...then he's not your boyfriend.

What to do now? I agree that a bit of space is required. I don't mean cut him out of your life, but he's taken over your life, as you have his. You've, by your own admission, stopped seeing friends, and doing other things that don't involve him. This is a slippery slope. You don't have to "abandon" him, but carve a bit of time for the other people who are also important to you, and deserve some attention from you as well. 24/7 is alot of time to spend with one person, and pretty much blinds you to the other areas of your life. As much as I know you enjoy being with him, it's not healthy. The other areas of your life are suffering. They have to be. Spend some time with friends, family...without him. Don't become so wrapped up in making him feel secure that you set yourself up for utter devastation should this not work out as you hoped.

Sorry this is so long and preachy, but alarm bells went off when I read it. Like I said, I've been through this. Honestly, I'm currently backing off from my Pretend Boyfriend. We've been Pretend Dating for 11 months.

Good luck!