Bridal Shower; No Registry, Wants Money

[artiemom]

Hey all,
It has been a while since I have been to a bridal shower; however, there was one in my family recently.

My cousin's daughter is having a bridal shower in May or June. She is not having a registry.

She is asking everyone invited to give monetary donations to a HoneyMoon Fund.

This is really getting to me. I have never heard of it.

She swears this is the 'Latest thing" in Wedding showers!!!! I am really fuming about the idea of asking for money.

Her point: She has been living with her fiancé for several years, they do not need anything, they have a small apartment, cannot store things.

My Points:
She is working at a good job. He is a FireFighter--good job; he gets overtime and possibly is learning a trade on his off days.. most FF do that.
They live in the second floor apartment of His Parents~~supposedly saving for a house.
They take several, away vacations per year. A yearly one is a trip to Aruba, as his parents have a time share there; another one is usually a visit to California or Florida, or elsewhere.

And:
If I am invited to a Wedding Shower, I do not want to be DICTATED to donate to a Fund.. or it be decreed that I am required to give a cash gift.

I feel this is downright tacky. I think I have heard about this once, but with negative connotations. After hearing this, I really do not want to attend this shower, nor give any gift.. to this or the wedding.

They are not creating a Wedding Registry, at all...

My questions: Have you heard of this? How common is this practice with the younger generation?? or with co-habitants. I am not against co-habitation, but if they do not want to get shower gifts; then, why have a shower???

My gut feeling, and reflex reaction, is to not go along with this. I am thinking of giving them a gift card to Crate and Barrel.. both for the shower and for the wedding. I do not care for giving checks as a wedding gift. You never know where or what the check will be spent for. If I give a gift, I would like it to be towards something for the household.

Your thoughts?

 

[denice]

I hadn't heard of it but I am 62 and all three of my adult children are married so I am not up on the latest. I have always thought that asking for money for oneself is tacky. It is common to ask for donations to charity, that is usually an in lieu of flowers thing for a funeral but that is different. If someone were to do that for a shower it would be unusual but I wouldn't see it as tacky.

 

[artiemom]

denice We are at the same age. If it were for donations to a charity or a shelter, then I would be all for it.. but I still think it is presumptuous to ask for flat out cash. Why have a Wedding shower? That is my point.

Another Cousin's son is getting married today. They had a regular wedding shower; even though they had lived together for several years, and bought a townhouse together.
They asked for the higher end things.. I can see that..

 

[Kieka]

My friend is getting married in June and her wedding registers is just a honeymoon fund.The way she worded it was, "We are blessed to have everything we need and your presence at our wedding if gift enough. If you feel inclined, we would appreciate contributions to our honeymoon fund. We will be visiting (husband's) family in Vietnam who are unable to come to the ceremony."

I think it is becoming more common as people are living together before marriage. Either they ask for money or they ask for higher end items that they haven't been able to afford themseleves. With a few low end items to replace broken or not exactly right things. That said, there seem to be too many different pre-wedding and wedding excuses to ask for gifts or expect them. If you are going to the wedding, I'd reserve my gift for just that or just don't give a gift. I tend to gift gift cards or cash even if it isnt requested because I have this thing off buying off a list. I just don't see much difference between being told what to buy exactly or giving then the money to buy what they want.

 

[Willowy]

You are never forced to give a gift. They're just saying "if you want to give a gift, this is what we'd like", which is no different than a registry. If you don't feel like giving a gift, don't give anything. But don't give them something they don't want or need. A shower is an excuse to have a party with friends .

Miss Manners thinks registries are tacky too. I guess it all depends on the prevailing cultural attitudes. But I will say that some people get MAD if you say you don't want gifts. Super mad. They either bring some junk you don't need, or refuse to come. I'm not sure what's up with that. But because of people like that, it's just safer to give them some way to give a gift you want instead of dealing with them.

 

[AbbysMom]

I've had a lot of nieces and nephews getting married lately and have a bit of experience with this and yes, it is common. It was done a little bit better than just saying "give money" though. Two of them had a "Honeymoon Registry" where you would buy them gift certificates for an excursion, fancy dinner, massages, etc. They both said though the the money didn't go for the specific thing you bought it for and was really just a gift certificate for the resort. Another one did ask for cash for her honeymoon, but also registered at Target. In all cases, people did still give regular gifts.

 

[LittleQuill]

As a younger member of society, who is also engaged to be married at the end of the year, and not having a wedding shower, because I don't see the point. For those that do, asking for a monetary donation is actually very common nowadays. Weddings and honeymoons are stupidly expensive, and organizing them is crazy stressful, so in my mind, asking for some help financially, or for something useful isn't that bad. Personally, my partner and I would NEVER ask for money, or for anything really, but if our guests WANTED to give us money, or something they thought would help, we would gracefully accept, and use the offerings in productive ways, and let them know what we were using their money for.

For you though, I don't know if you feel forced into donating or not, but if you don't want to, then in my opinion, you shouldn't be made to. If it was me, I'd be happy with tips and ideas. Things that I could use to plan better. Because, at the end of the day, yes, the day is about my partner and I, but we also want our guests to enjoy the day and have fun too.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

This is becoming more and more common. I don't really care for it. Personally I would suggest donating to a charity or something along those lines. I could never just ask for money to spend on myself. The first time it happened to me I was so taken aback. But they also had a small registry so I shopped off that. And then I got to the wedding and I was the ONLY person who had brought a gift. I felt like: . About a month or 2 before that I went to a shower for another bride I've known for many years. It was my first time getting out by myself for fun after having my 2nd baby and I was really excited for it. And then just as quickly I was very embarrassed when I was sitting at this shower and realized I was the only one who had no clue when the actual wedding was...because I was not invited to the wedding. I'm pretty sure I was invited to the shower because my mother is good friends with her mother and helped her throw the shower. When she had a baby i sent a gift because they pretty much said "give us money so we can pick out what we want." Nope. Not doing that.

At the end of the day a gift is a gift and it should be up to the giver what they give. My grandmothers would have a fit! But then one of my grandmothers had a LOT to say when a niece of hers had a 2nd wedding! If you feel a gift card to Crate & Barrel is a nice gift; go for it! I recently just gave an Amazon gift card inside a nice card. It feels like I'm becoming a gift-card shopper. I used to love buying gifts; finding something the person would be happy to get. Now it's just easier and everyone is "happy."

 

[Kat0121]

It is becoming more common now and I personally have no issue with it. Back in the day, most couples did not live together before they got married and now most do so it makes sense that they already own a lot of the things that would traditionally be on a registry.

If it does bother you though, just skip the shower and just go the wedding.

 

[jcat]

I've had a lot of nieces and nephews getting married lately and have a bit of experience with this and yes, it is common. It was done a little bit better than just saying "give money" though.

Nowadays most people marry later than they did a generation or so ago, so they're not moving straight out of their parents' homes or student housing. They already have furniture and most household items, often in duplicate. With the huge cost of weddings (I recently read that the average cost of a formal wedding in the U.S. was $35,000, which shocked me), monetary gifts that help defray the expense are naturally more welcome than yet another set of towels, etc..

 

[kitty chew]

I agree that it is more practical to give money now, with most people living together first, or already having everything. But I still think it's rude to ask for money. You could ask for the persons company, and say that household things are not needed, and leave it up to them, without asking outright. I have never even heard of a wedding shower. The registry thing makes me mad also, as it is usually for really expensive items.

 

[artiemom]

I do not mind the gift registry. I would rather give something that the bride would want/need. I am not against giving a shower gift; but I am not in support of providing for a honeymoon; especially when this couple has recently been to Aruba/Florida/California.

What is really upsetting to me, is; the fact that this couple both have very good jobs. They really do not need money for a 'honeymoon', due to the fact that they take
several trips/vacations a year. They can easily afford a honeymoon and a wedding.

The Wedding is being paid for by the brides father.. Yup, all of it.

If there was an optional; "No gifts needed".. or a specific cause, as in charity...
Or even stating that the goal was to buy a house, then I would feel different..
But to 'fund' a honeymoon??

I just do not get it...Guess I am too old for this ideology.

 

[denice]

I don't get it either, I guess I am too old also.

 

[kitty chew]

Yep, I agree also!

 

[Winchester]

When my nephew got married for the second time, I skipped the bridal shower. Nor did I send a gift. We did go to the wedding and gave them a gift card.

I had attended the bridal shower for his first marriage and we attended that wedding (both shower and wedding were out of state). The second shower and wedding were also out of state. It's not just going to the shower, the wedding, the gifts, etc. For us, it's also boarding The Beast, getting the petsitters in for the cats, finding a hotel in the area, and so on. It was an expensive thing for us. While I didn't go to the second shower, we did attend the second wedding.

If you don't like the idea of the shower and the whole money thing, don't go and you don't have to gift them for a shower. Personally, I like the idea of a Crate and Barrel gift card. I'm against the whole "money, money, money" thing. And maybe it's my age showing here, too, but I don't like idea of a Honeymoon Fund and I don't like asking for money. It's a gimme, gimme thing that frustrates me. And I find it tacky.

 

[denice]

I think the whole original idea behind a 'bridal shower' isn't valid for a lot of couples anymore. The idea used to be to give the couple the things that they need to start a household. Even couples that haven't lived together for a long time have often lived on their own for awhile. Singles tend to get nicer things for their apartment now because more and more they have the money to do it. They also don't have as much of the mindset that they are just biding their time until they get married so they truly set up a household just for themselves, many singles buy a home or condo for themselves.

Maybe more a party or a celebration of a wedding rather than a 'shower'.

 

[blueyedgirl5946]

I think in most cases, no matter what, it is tacky to ask for cash. Weddings don't have to cost $35,000. A couple is just as married with a small simple wedding. I wouldn't exclude my self from the wedding shower because of them asking for cash. If I wanted to go, I would purchase a nice card and include a gift card of practicality. They will shop at the grocery store and other places. In my opinion, gift cards are never wrong, even a restaurant card.

 

[artiemom]

I am obligated to attend the shower. I have to; no way around it. I would feel guilty not giving a gift.

Another thing I do not understand: If you are not having a Wedding Registry, then why have a shower? It all for Money, Money, Money.

I can see, if they were just starting out.. but they are both in their late 20's, have good jobs. The Groom to Be is a FireFighter. A nice guy; but, I know for a fact, he works overtime, and has a side job, on his days off.

Still, I would be more comfortable with a registry or giving a gift card, instead of cash.

Winchester I was in kind of the same situation this week for a wedding in Florida.
The wedding was last night, of another cousin's son. He has chosen to live in Florida, while originally being from Massachusetts. His entire family is up here.

I just could not afford to go down to Florida for a wedding. I am sorry. I am on a limited income. What I have is going to Artie..
The wedding was also at one of the most expensive Hotels in Florida. The family went down on Tuesday. The bride's family did not spare any cost for anything at all.. Welcoming cocktail party, rehearsal dinner, Wedding & reception, an after party, and a brunch the day after. All paid for by her parents.

Between airfare, hotel, finding a complete outfit for the wedding, additional clothes, and then having to Medically Boarding Artie; I just could not do it.

The family did understand.. as did my cousin's son. He was disappointed but he understood.

This upcoming wedding, just seems so different.. Already, I am feeling like a cash cow..
I never see the bride, except at holidays. When she was younger, I spent a fortune on her for gifts, taking her on day outings, excursions, etc.. As she became older, she never, ever, kept in contact with me.. I do feel hurt. She pretty much ignores me..

Now, to ask for money as a shower gift, really rubs me raw. To me it is the extreme of tackiness. If she was helping to pay for her wedding, and was not is such good financial shape, I would not mind, as much to donate.. but to run all around the place with vacations... and then ask for a 'honeymoon donation' is just too much, IMO...

Many of this particular couple's friends are getting married. Supposedly, according to the Bride; this is what they are doing now..

This is why I am asking about it, here.

I think I am going to go with my gut: the Crate and Barrel Gift Card.. for both occasions..
shower and wedding.

denice I agree. If you do not need anything for a beginning household, or really want higher end things to replace the stuff you have; then why have a shower???
Just skip it. Or, Have an engagement party.. an old term, but it would suffice.. gifts could be optional.

 

[betsygee]

I don't get it either, I guess I am too old also.

Me, too.

We just got a wedding invitation that provided the information for their registry and also a note that said "Don't have time to shop? We're going to have a money dance at the wedding for our honeymoon!" I just find it strange to ask for money like that. We'll get them something from the registry list.

 

[MoochNNoodles]

If 35 is old; well then I'm happy to be old too. I know I am old fashion in a lot of my ways and I don't consider that a bad thing. I understand people are marrying later; after being on their own. I understand merging households. I just can't stomach asking for money. I think people are more understanding when it's out of state or especially a destination wedding. Actually I had a friend get married in the Caribbean because they wanted some certain family members to NOT come.

I even feel funny planning my kid's birthday parties when they want to invite kids from Sunday school that we don't really see outside of church. I never want someone to feel like they are only invited for the sake of a gift. I'm trying to purposely teach my kids to appreciate the giver more than the gifts. I hope I can succeed doing that.