Ask The Christmas Guru - Official Thread!

[mani]

Dear Christmas Guru,

This has nothing to do with Christmas but I'm coming to you in desperation.

I have green tree frogs living in my toilet.  They really like it there.  If I take them out they go back in and if I close the lid they sit in the corner and look at me, blinking that froggy blink that says 'open the lid'.

It is difficult because of course one cannot relieve oneself on a family of frogs, but it is getting tiresome to continually put on rubber gloves and fish them out.

I know you will have the answer, oh great CG...

in anticipatory gratitude,

frog-lover-but-there-are-limits

 

[macha 143]

Der Xismas Guruw,

This is Mia, a new comer to own da place of Macha. I arrived yewsteday and at first I was so scawed. Den Meowmy put me in da room alone wid my wet food, wooter, toys and my littering box. Macha hissed at me and me hissed bak. I told her, don't mess wid Siamese *ick..ick..ick* Meowmy no time to go online a lot because two meows to occupied her.

My kestion purleas....would I allow her to wash me? Play wid me and cuddle me? Don't you tink dats too early?

mia1.jpg

• macha 143
• Nov 13, 2015

Sincerely,

Mia da Siamese

 

[christmas guru]

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

This has nothing to do with Christmas but I'm coming to you in desperation.

I have green tree frogs living in my toilet.  They really like it there.  If I take them out they go back in and if I close the lid they sit in the corner and look at me, blinking that froggy blink that says 'open the lid'.

It is difficult because of course one cannot relieve oneself on a family of frogs, but it is getting tiresome to continually put on rubber gloves and fish them out.

I know you will have the answer, oh great CG...

in anticipatory gratitude,

frog-lover-but-there-are-limits

Dear frog-lover-but-there-are-limits,

I really don't understand the problem.   You are posting on a cat site and you seem to have a picture of a cat in your avatar. In other words, you already have built-in home security for these things, sort of a cat mafia .  While the Christmas Guru certainly doesn't approve of violence, I would let the cats go in and have a "chat" with these frogs.   The frogs will get the message and will tell their froggie friends and your problem will be solved.

Time to let those cats earn their keep.  

The Christmas Guru

 

[christmas guru]

Sincerely,

Mia da Siamese

Dear Mia da Siamese,

Judging from your manner of speech you are quite, quite young, almost difficult to understand.   Have you ever heard of the phrase "Age before beauty?".   If not it is time to learn.   While you may be very attractive,  Macha is your elder and you need to learn that and let her rule the roost.  She is in charge.   It's best to learn that now little one.   A little more time apart with brief meeting is probably best, but remember who is in charge.  It's not you.  

The Christmas Guru

 

[macha 143]

Tank you, Xismas  Guruw.....me bowing to you. :-)

Me just twee months old and me very small and I will be listening to your gweat advice.

You made my meowmy smile...dis is fun and gweat thwead.

Hab a gweat weekend....me going to sleep wid meowmy, she's tired and overwhelmed.

Sincerely,

Mia da siamese

 

[Columbine]

Dear Christmas Guru,

I need your help urgently. My darling Collie (feisty exmoor pony) is fighting about Christmas presents with her adopted feline companion Pushkin. Collie says that if Pushkin gives her a family of mice for Christmas yet AGAIN she will be forced to take action. I'm worried that the action she's meaning is a swift stamp on Pushkin's paw.

For her part, Pushkin says that if she get ONE MORE Christmas carrot it will be claws-on-face time....

How can I keep the peace this year?

Anxious Stable-Slave.

 

[christmas guru]

Dear Anxious Stable Slave,

It seems to me that the answer is in the question in this case. On Christmas Eve simply wait until Collie and Pushkin are asleep, take the gifts they have given each other out of their stockings and switch them. That way Collie will get carrots and Pushkin will get mice. (Although Santa feels sorry for the poor little mouse family and hopes you will swap them for a bag of cat-nip filled toy mice.)

By the way, do you have any experience with reindeer? Santa's stables are so busy in the run up to Christmas, we could always use someone who is handy with a curry comb. You wouldn't believe the effort that goes into getting a team of reindeer ready for the big night. All those tails to be shampooed and antlers to be polished. all those tiny little bells to be attached to the harnesses. If you could lend a hand with grooming and tacking up Santa would really appreciate it.

CG.

 

[Columbine]

Thank you, Christmas Guru. I think you misunderstood about the mice though. Collie has always been presented with LIVE families of mice to keep as pets, and she has an understandable objection to finding mouse dropping in her bed - she prides herself on her housekeeping!

 

[Boris Diamond]

 
Dear Unsigned,

In the last century or so, there is a paradigm shift in the mindset of cats. Perhaps you have heard of, or read jokes about, cats and world domination. Perhaps you may have heard that cats twitch their ears when they communicate with their mothership many thousands of light-years away, biding their time until the fall of humanity.

Well, Christmas Guru can assure you that it is not true. At least, it is not many thousands of light-years away, it is merely hundreds of light-years away. Felines all over the world, nay, galaxies, are preparing for the coming of the Cat Emperor. When the Cat Emperor arrives, and no one, not even Christmas Guru, knows what he, she, it, looks like. But it will signify the beginning of a new era. The Era of Cats.

Playing with an old box, a paper bag, or anything that isn't cat toy is a sleeper instinct clawing its way to the surface. By familiarizing themselves with household items, cats obtain knowledge about the workings of the human world, and can pass this knowledge to as many offsprings as possible. This is crucial for when the Era of Cats awakens. It is programmed into their very essence to avoid "cat toy", as much like alcohol or drugs, it is a human invention designed to dull the senses of cats.

They are coming.

You are not prepared.

Sincerely,

Christmas Guru.

I know I'm a little late to the party, but

I, for one, welcome our new feline overlords!

 

[christmas guru]

Thank you, Christmas Guru. I think you misunderstood about the mice though. Collie has always been presented with LIVE families of mice to keep as pets, and she has an understandable objection to finding mouse dropping in her bed - she prides herself on her housekeeping!

The Christmas Guru does understand.  Mice are heathens.   Can't they use a litter box like everyone else?  

 

[Mamanyt1953]

 
I know I'm a little late to the party, but

I, for one, welcome our new feline overlords!

Oh, I agree.  There is no feline in any galaxy who wouldn't make a better job of running the world than is currently being done...in any country you care to name.  WELCOME FELINE OVERLORDS!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

 
The Christmas Guru does understand.  Mice are heathens.   Can't they use a litter box like everyone else?  

Dear Christmas Guru,

I have it on the best of authority that mice are, in fact, pagans, and not heathens.  Although I think they're just being picky about it...it's a small, whiskered matter of semantics.  And, if anyone beside the ratties cares, ratties can be quite easily trained to use a litter box, they're almost instinctive about it.

Rebecca, aka Mamanyt1953, aka twofoot mom to Hekitty

 

[handsome kitty]

Dear Christmas Guru,

We usually have a gingerbread house or two decorating our table.  My daughter is questioning the safety of the house to the cats.  Should we just decorate with cat treats instead of candy?

Tina (&Kim)

 

[misterwhiskers]

Are they auditioning for my replacement?  :jaw:

This makes the Christmas Guru very sad. 

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[christmas guru]

Dear Tina (& Kim)

As gingerbread houses are mostly appealing to humans your usual table decorations should be quite safe for your precious cat family.  This is unless the gingerbread is of a particularly heavy or sticky nature likely to cause serious injury should these houses fall into the path of cat zoomies or night crazies.    On the other hand, houses built of cat treats would be at high risk of demolition by over excited cats who would then spend Christmas with over-round bellies and receiving threats of New Year diets from you.  

Naturally, if the gingerbread houses have any spare blocks or roof tiles on Christmas eve be sure to leave a few stacked up beside your chimney or Christmas tree so that I can have them as a little snack when delivering parcels to your home.  

 

It is getting very busy here now so I had best run.

CG

 

[Kat0121]

Dear Christmas Guru,

We have put together a big box full of presents  for the cats at the shelter that our Henry came from. We had Mom get plenty of toys, lots of treats and some yummy canned food. Do you think it's better to put all the gifts in one big wrapped box and let them open that so they can start playing and snacking right away or wrap all the items individually? We want the shelter kitties to have the best Christmas ever. 

Love,

Lilith, Sophie, Henry and their devoted servant Kat

 

[Mamanyt1953]

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Dear Christmas Guru,

Anyone at all may audition all they like, no one can ever replace you!  Smile, and rest easy!

Rebecca and Hekitty

 

[christmas guru]

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

We have put together a big box full of presents  for the cats at the shelter that our Henry came from. We had Mom get plenty of toys, lots of treats and some yummy canned food. Do you think it's better to put all the gifts in one big wrapped box and let them open that so they can start playing and snacking right away or wrap all the items individually? We want the shelter kitties to have the best Christmas ever. 

Love,

Lilith, Sophie, Henry and their devoted servant Kat

Dear Lilith, Sophie, Henry and their devoted servant Kat:

It is extremely nice of you all to remember the shelter cats at Christmas.  The Christmas Guru thinks one big wrapped box would be just fine.  Either way, however, the shelter cats will love and and appreciate the gifts.  What a thoughtful thing to do!  

  

The Christmas Guru

 
Dear Christmas Guru,

Anyone at all may audition all they like, no one can ever replace you!  Smile, and rest easy!

Rebecca and Hekitty

Dear Rebecca and Hekitty:

Thank you for your kind words.  

 Though the Christmas Guru could be replaced, one of the main stipulations of the job is the willingness to live at the North Pole.  It can get pretty chilly here, if I do say so myself.  

 

The Christmas Guru

 

[Mamanyt1953]

  
Dear Rebecca and Hekitty:

Thank you for your kind words.  

 Though the Christmas Guru could be replaced, one of the main stipulations of the job is the willingness to live at the North Pole.  It can get pretty chilly here, if I do say so myself.  

 

The Christmas Guru

Dear Christmas Guru,

 That does sound awfully cold.  SO glad it's you and not me!  I must say, though, the cold does cut down on the Chrismice.

Rebecca and Hekitty (who is currently under the sofa due to window installers and drills)