Argh. guy rant?

[calico2222]

Hon, this sounds just like one of my ex-boyfriends. We slept together the first night I met him (drunk

) and from that point on, he was "in love". He really manipulated me because I was at a low point in my life and he seemed to know just what I wanted to hear. Yeah, I was young and gullible. He also had a rough life and I felt sorry for him, of course nothing was his fault it was all everyone else's fault. He pulled the "it doesn't matter...you don't love me...", silent treatment stuff. Yep...all too familiar.

We went out for 5 months. He had just moved to town and was staying at his sister's when we met so I forgave him for not have a job or a car. But, he didn't have either the entire time we went out. Somehow, he convinced me to let him drop me off at work and he had my car while I was working (I paid for the gas, of course), for money he would come up to work and get what tips I had made that far that night. He wrecked my car in a snow storm after sleeping with another girl IN MY CAR (he wouldn't admit it, but I knew...). He hit me once and would have again if his friend didn't stop him. He turned me against my parents saying they hated them (which they did, but they were still polite to him), didn't want me to see my friends...I all but cut my best friend out of my life because he didn't like her. I finally woke up when he blatantly got some big breasted bar bimbo's phone number right in front of me. That was it. I dumped him the next day. Not one tear was shed by me...although he cried...poor baby.

The only good thing that came out of it was he was a learning experience. After that, when I rated men I dated, he was "0" so all men were compared to him in terms of badness.

I don't know if this guy is just immature, emotionally unstable, or seriously manipulating you (or all of the above) but there are too many warning signs here. I would get him out of you life asap. And make sure your friends know (even your friend's boyfriend) so they can keep an eye out for you because I have a feeling he isn't going to take getting dumped very easily.

 

[leto86]

Yeah, he does still live at home, but he gets money from the government and does pay the majority of the rent. I sorta live at home too.. hard to explain. But I do have my own apartment at "home" which I do pay for.

I've taken everything everyone has said into thought. All day. And he knows that something is up. The wheels were turning.

I had told him earlier I needed to go to the bank to cash my cheque, and I went with my sister later in the afternoon to go do that and get lunch, and he was there at the bank waiting.. dunno how long for. It sorta put things really into view for me... about the whole obsessed stalker deal.

So whatever, we all went out for lunch together, I bought, of course. Then my friend (same one with the BF) showed up and wanted me to go to London with her for a drive. He got a bit upset because she didn't invite him. But I guess she invited him while I was in the bathroom. I thought he asked but she told me she invited him. I wanted to talk to her about it, but I couldn't then because he was now coming.
So after we went to a pizza place where a friend works at and waited for him to get off work, then went to Port Stanley.
Everything was fine and dandy until my two friends went up onto the Lifeguard tower, and then Myself and him went for a walk down to see hoe cold the water was. (not too bad actually) I wasn't paying overly too much attention to him and was just going about my thing like normal. Until he said he was going to toss me into the lake, and I told him not too. Went back to the lifeguard stand and him and my other guy friend went back to the truck for whatever reason. They came back and the guy friend had started to tie me up with the rope from the bouy. And I let him. Big mistake. Cuz then on our way back to the truck to go home, he stopped me and said that he didn't think the relationship was going to work out because I didn't trust him, because I wouldn't let him throw me in the lake, but I'd let the other guy tie me up.
And said that he wasn't going to put up with my BS.
But then literally not even 5 minutes later he was all "Come here" and wanting to hug me.
Then he was going on about how he's going to London to play football tomorrow and that we probably won't see each other because he isn't going to be back until late, and I'll probably not want to hike across town to see him. And that he wanted to spend today alone together because of it.

When my friend was dropping me off, he walked me to the door and asked if he could stay, and I told him no. I sort of live with my mom still, the apartment above hers, but still. I value my life. So that was it, said goodnight and he went home.



And yeah.... I don't think this is a good idea anymore. I didn't even want to get into it to begin with... but my friends were sorta pusing it on me because I don't have a life and never got out of the house except work and the odd friday nights that we end up out till 4am. Other than that it's work, then home.
And I fought it at first, but then I thought, what the hell. He doens't seem that bad. But a change underwent after I slept with him I think. Which was just last week. Didn't just jump into it.

Anyway. I am ready to end it. And now that I have been thinking about him.... I don't even think I really have any feelings towards him at all. The only reason I feel bad about wanting to break up with him is because I don't want to hurt him. I've been hurt before and I don't want to cause the hurt.

I don't really have good realationship experience. I was in one other relationship prior to him.. and it's been ended since fall 2006. So it's been awhile... and he was the only other one I've ever dated or anything. And HE left me. So I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell him or what to do.... I want to do this as gently as I can to make it hurt as little as possible.



I forgot to mention about his extreme jealousy. My Ex... that I haven't talked to since fall 2006... he hates and talks about him EVERYDAY. About how he hates him and how he shouldn't have treated me that way or whatever....... the thing is... he never has even met this guy. And wouldn't know anything about him if I didn't say anything.
And the guy who set us up, my friends BF, he was after me originally until I told him I wasn't interested. He is a perveted jerk, and he knows it. And because he once wanted to go out with me, he is paranoid about his own friend. Saying things like "I stole you from him and I feel bad" or whatever.



Now that I really think and look back.... I can see what he's doing.... and I feel so stupid for not noticing it before.

 

[leto86]

Holy crap. I didn't realize I typed that much. Sorry.

 

[missymotus]

Originally Posted by Leto86

Now that I really think and look back.... I can see what he's doing.... and I feel so stupid for not noticing it before.

You are not stupid

 

[nekomania]

You're not stupid ^^ We are all just glad you are comming around to see the light.

As for what to say to him...I agree with others who have said that you need to put him in his place and tell him how creepy he is. Tell him that he gives you bad vibes, that he is overly possesive and clingy, that it is ridiculous for him to expect you to love him so soon.

At the very least you need to say "It's not going to work out between us, it will be best if we go our separate ways."

Stand your ground no matter what he says, even if he starts to cry.

 

[mrblanche]

Originally Posted by Leto86

Now that I really think and look back.... I can see what he's doing.... and I feel so stupid for not noticing it before.

Not stupid. Inexperienced, maybe.

Keep in mind that these guys don't show their personality right away, and then are experts at making you think the problem is your problem, not their problem.

It takes two to have an abusive relationship.

 

[mrblanche]

Originally Posted by Nekomania

As for what to say to him...I agree with others who have said that you need to put him in his place and tell him how creepy he is. Tell him that he gives you bad vibes, that he is overly possesive and clingy, that it is ridiculous for him to expect you to love him so soon.

Be prepared for him to promise to change. He won't. In fact, he'll get worse, in order to force you into making a very difficult, dangerous, and expensive effort to get rid of him.

Don't be gentle. Be forceful. He'll manipulate you if you're gentle.

 

[catsndogs]

RUN!!! If you don't, and choose to continue the relationship, do a background check ASAP. Look at criminal record (may not show if he was a juvenile) and financial situation. Also, google sociopath. But really, just RUN! FAST!!

 

[leto86]

I just don't want to lose my other friends in the process. I barely have anyone but them as it is.

I know he has a record... if I recall correctly he was arrested twice. Once for being drunk and acting out, in Toronto after a ball game. And I am not sure about the other. He doesn't really talk about it.


I have a problem saying no to people. I don't know what it is or who it is.. but I have an extremely hard time saying it.. even if I don't want to do whatever it is.. buy something, go somewhere, do something.



Ugghhh. I should have just stayed a single crazy cat lady and saved myself all this hassle.

 

[otto]

Please try not to label yourself. You are not stupid. You are a young woman who is willing to make new friends. this one didn't work out, is all.

I married an abuser and suffered for years. The signs were there before we married but I chose not to see them.

My first relationship after the divorce was with another manipulator. I didn't stay with him long enough to be abused, but his passive aggressive manipulation crap was pretty subtle at first, and it took a while before I realized I was sinking into a similar trap as my marriage. He stalked me for almost a year after I broke up with him.

However, I do not think of myself as stupid. I am more aware now, and less willing to trust my own judgment, in fact have been alone since the stalker (11 years now) but I am not stupid, and either are you.

My niece had a boy friend pulling the same type of crap. He was all the time texting her to say things like "well I am thinking about breaking up with you today" then a couple hours later texting again saying "today is your lucky day I changed my mind". He would do it especially when she was somewhere without him where she might be having a good time.

T is a teen, but it's the same principle. with her parents and myself backing her up, she finally told him she'd she was through with him. He continued to text her for another three weeks as if she hadn't broken up with him but she ignored him.

My sister, the mother of said teen, has also been in abusive relationships. Twice me and our mother and other sisters had to physically remove her from dangerous situations.

You're lucky in a strange kind of way that this guy is showing his true colors so soon. It would have been much worse had you gotten more deeply involved before discovering what a jerk he is.

I agree with being firm in the break up, not gentle. You don't have to give him any reasons beyond "this is not working out for me." You owe him nothing. I'm glad you don't live entirely alone, having other people around will help protect you if he gets nasty.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by Leto86

I just don't want to lose my other friends in the process. I barely have anyone but them as it is.

I know he has a record... if I recall correctly he was arrested twice. Once for being drunk and acting out, in Toronto after a ball game. And I am not sure about the other. He doesn't really talk about it.


I have a problem saying no to people. I don't know what it is or who it is.. but I have an extremely hard time saying it.. even if I don't want to do whatever it is.. buy something, go somewhere, do something.



Ugghhh. I should have just stayed a single crazy cat lady and saved myself all this hassle.

No, that's not right. Life is never perfect, we have to take risks to live a full life. When you get involved in hassles, you learn something and move on. don't look back and regret that you got involved in the first place, it already happened. Learn from it and move on.

Not every man is going to be a jerk. Some people do have a tendency to draw that type to them (myself and two of my sisters do) so you ahve to be extra careful about who you find yourself attracted to.

Having trouble saying no is not so unusual. Practice practice practice. Stand in front of the mirror every day and look into your own eyes and tell yourself how much you love yourself. Tell yourself that you have every right to expect to be treated decently.

Do this daily. At first it will be very hard, but you will start to believe it eventually.

Practice breaking up with him. Look in the mirror and say "I don't want to go out with you anymore, it's not working out for me".

Practice that line. And use it with every argument. he gives. When he says "I knew it, you listen to everyone else but me" don't get drawn in to a discussion. Just say again " this This is not working out for me"

He may accuse you of sleeping with other people, call you names, cry, threaten to kill himself, threaten to kill you. don't get drawn in.

"you are the only good thing in my life right now" is a common one. Don't listen. His happiness is not your responsibility. His happiness, in fact depends on your misery. trust me I've been there.

Do the break up either on the phone or, if you feel the need to do it in person, on your front yard. On the phone..you can hang up. In your yard, you can turn and walk away, into your house, and shut the door and lock it. If he doens't leave call the police.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by Leto86

I just don't want to lose my other friends in the process. I barely have anyone but them as it is.

.

If your friends judge you for dumping the jerk, then they are not true friends. If they love you, they should be on your side, wanting you to be safe and happy, not stuck as someone's punching bag.

If you lose them over this, then let them go. I know it's very hard to make friends. But, get rid of this guy first, then we can help you with improving your social life!

 

[larussa]

How old are you and this guy, he sounds like a spoiled kid.

 

[otto]

they are 21 and 22. He is, in my opinion, a bit more dangerous than a spoiled kid. He enjoys controlling her. That is scary.

 

[trouts mom]

Originally Posted by otto

they are 21 and 22. He is, in my opinion, a bit more dangerous than a spoiled kid. He enjoys controlling her. That is scary.

Agreed. Dangerous is the word.

 

[goldenkitty45]

You are doing the right thing to end this relationship. There is no good future for both of you, and you risk possible future abuse. If you cannot picture being married to him for the next 50 yrs and being HAPPY with him - end it now.

I wish I had seen a lot more of the "signs" with my ex-husband before I married him - cause I would never married him!

 

[addiebee]

Originally Posted by otto

Please listen to us. The fact that he had a bad childhood is not your fault, nor is it your responsibility to fix.

I can guarantee you that his bad life soon WILL become your fault though, I mean he will insist that it is so and you'll find yourself apologizing for his sorry life and trying your hardest to fix it for him.

he is not worth it.

Those of us who have been in abusive relationships know the signs.

But then he'll pull stuff like, "You don't love me, you don't care about me, we won't last. Everyone is right." and then we will sit there in silence for an hour and then he's all cuddly and saying that "Nothing will come between us, no one can ever break us up."

this is classic manipulation crap. He wants you to first feel guilty, you don't love him enough.

He wants you to reassure him that you will prove "everyone" wrong.

since "everyone " else is wrong, he is the only person who should be allowed in your life.

And then he tells you you will never be free of him.

You are facing a lifetime of emotional, and very possibly, physical abuse. At 21 years old you have many many years ahead of you to meet people and fall in and out of love. This guy should be put down to experience and gotten rid of now

And be ready to call the cops if he stalks you. They often do.

Awesome analysis!

 

[addiebee]

Originally Posted by Leto86

Yeah, he does still live at home, but he gets money from the government and does pay the majority of the rent. I sorta live at home too.. hard to explain. But I do have my own apartment at "home" which I do pay for.

I've taken everything everyone has said into thought. All day. And he knows that something is up. The wheels were turning.

I had told him earlier I needed to go to the bank to cash my cheque, and I went with my sister later in the afternoon to go do that and get lunch, and he was there at the bank waiting.. dunno how long for. It sorta put things really into view for me... about the whole obsessed stalker deal.

So whatever, we all went out for lunch together, I bought, of course. Then my friend (same one with the BF) showed up and wanted me to go to London with her for a drive. He got a bit upset because she didn't invite him. But I guess she invited him while I was in the bathroom. I thought he asked but she told me she invited him. I wanted to talk to her about it, but I couldn't then because he was now coming.
So after we went to a pizza place where a friend works at and waited for him to get off work, then went to Port Stanley.
Everything was fine and dandy until my two friends went up onto the Lifeguard tower, and then Myself and him went for a walk down to see hoe cold the water was. (not too bad actually) I wasn't paying overly too much attention to him and was just going about my thing like normal. Until he said he was going to toss me into the lake, and I told him not too. Went back to the lifeguard stand and him and my other guy friend went back to the truck for whatever reason. They came back and the guy friend had started to tie me up with the rope from the bouy. And I let him. Big mistake. Cuz then on our way back to the truck to go home, he stopped me and said that he didn't think the relationship was going to work out because I didn't trust him, because I wouldn't let him throw me in the lake, but I'd let the other guy tie me up.
And said that he wasn't going to put up with my BS.
But then literally not even 5 minutes later he was all "Come here" and wanting to hug me.
Then he was going on about how he's going to London to play football tomorrow and that we probably won't see each other because he isn't going to be back until late, and I'll probably not want to hike across town to see him. And that he wanted to spend today alone together because of it.

When my friend was dropping me off, he walked me to the door and asked if he could stay, and I told him no. I sort of live with my mom still, the apartment above hers, but still. I value my life. So that was it, said goodnight and he went home.



And yeah.... I don't think this is a good idea anymore. I didn't even want to get into it to begin with... but my friends were sorta pusing it on me because I don't have a life and never got out of the house except work and the odd friday nights that we end up out till 4am. Other than that it's work, then home.
And I fought it at first, but then I thought, what the hell. He doens't seem that bad. But a change underwent after I slept with him I think. Which was just last week. Didn't just jump into it.

Anyway. I am ready to end it. And now that I have been thinking about him.... I don't even think I really have any feelings towards him at all. The only reason I feel bad about wanting to break up with him is because I don't want to hurt him. I've been hurt before and I don't want to cause the hurt.

I don't really have good realationship experience. I was in one other relationship prior to him.. and it's been ended since fall 2006. So it's been awhile... and he was the only other one I've ever dated or anything. And HE left me. So I don't even know what I'm supposed to tell him or what to do.... I want to do this as gently as I can to make it hurt as little as possible.



I forgot to mention about his extreme jealousy. My Ex... that I haven't talked to since fall 2006... he hates and talks about him EVERYDAY. About how he hates him and how he shouldn't have treated me that way or whatever....... the thing is... he never has even met this guy. And wouldn't know anything about him if I didn't say anything.
And the guy who set us up, my friends BF, he was after me originally until I told him I wasn't interested. He is a perveted jerk, and he knows it. And because he once wanted to go out with me, he is paranoid about his own friend. Saying things like "I stole you from him and I feel bad" or whatever.



Now that I really think and look back.... I can see what he's doing.... and I feel so stupid for not noticing it before.

OMG!!! Not good!! Not good!! YOu are not stupid, you ARE worthy of something better. Do not be alone with this guy - do not let him suck you in even one milimeter further!!! Your friend's BF sounds like a real piece of work. I had to learn the hard way to be veeeerrryyy careful about friends and romantic interests. I was not much older than you when I learned it was OK to "fire" friends... if being with them was not in my best interest.

Learn to say no, it gets easier with practice. If someone rejects you b/c you tell them no (won't go with them do something for them) that's ok... b/c it's likely all they were doing was using/manipulating you in the first place.

 

[leto86]

He actually told me last night that he felt like he was being controlling and he didn't want to be like that.. that I need to take initiative and decide what we are going to do that day or whatever.


Not looking forward to doing this.

I have a major fear of rejection and I think it makes me feel doubley bad rejecting someone else.

 

[otto]

Originally Posted by Leto86

He actually told me last night that he felt like he was being controlling and he didn't want to be like that.. that I need to take initiative and decide what we are going to do that day or whatever.


Not looking forward to doing this.

I have a major fear of rejection and I think it makes me feel doubley bad rejecting someone else.

Again, this is classic manipulation. Now he's the good sensitive guy again. You know what I had when I was in that marriage of hell? A closet full of expensive clothes I would never wear, pieces of jewelry, the cheaper cuts, but real. Guilt gifts I called them. I live in jeans and don't wear jewelry.

An abuser does his thing, then suddenly becomes repentant. He's sorry. He's such a jerk sometimes, he can't imagine why he acted like that. YOU should take more initiative (see, it's YOUR fault that he is like this, you see how that happens?)

His feelings are NOT your responsibility. You do not have a lifetime together. You've dated a few weeks, had some fun in bed. It's not a good match. You owe him nothing. (Less than nothing since I think you've been picking up the tabs for these dates?)