Am I wrong?

[catherine]

I'm so aggervated with my husband. Ever since we got married (7years ago), the only responsabilty that he has had is to go to work everyday and take out the trash. That's it!!!!!! I do the bills, make deposits, run the financial side of our business, cook, clean, raise the kids, grocery shop, take care of all of his things (he works 14 hour days - 5 days/week).

Well, to get to the point.......I'm sick of having little or no help!!

He acts like I'm supposed to do eveything and all he is supposed to do is go to work. When I ask him to do something for me he acts as if I just asked him build me a 5,000 sq. foot house from scratch!

He refuses to show that he loves me (I know that he does) but I need him to do that. I've gained weight since we were married and do not feel great about myself. I recently lost 15 lbs and have decided to reward myself for every 15 lbs that I lose. He hasn't said a thing.......I rewarded myself with a professional highlight in my hair yesterday and still....not a word.

For Christmas, (he does this evey year), he waited until we got home late that night, after everyone had exchanged gits to give me mine (not wrapped). My son, husband and I did Christmas at 7:30 am......just aggervates me and makes me fume all day long!

Anyone who calls and needs his help.....he's out the door. But for me, I have to ask him forever!!!! For instance, someone GAVE us a wooden fence 2 years ago.......it sat in the backyard against the house until Oct. of this year. One side is done and it will probably be another 2 years before it's finished. His excuse was that I was nagging him to do it. Come on, 2 years???

I do have to give it to him that his job is not easy by any means and he never misses a day of work and I never have to tell him to go to work. He's up every day at 5 am and off to work.

Am I worng for wanting more attention and appreciation? What do I do to get him to change? Do I stop doing for him? Do I move into the spare bedroom for a while? WHAT?????

 

[flisssweetpea]

14 hours a day?!!! Is the poor chap awake after he's finished that? That's like 2 jobs for anyone in the UK - we work on a standard 37.5 hour working week as a basis.

How old are the kids - could they help out around the house with the ordinary jobs? - not putting up fences obviously.

It sounds like you have your own business and it might be better to see if you could reduce the workload on him at work so you can spend more time as a family at the weekend. He may be feeling that he's working hard to provide for his family.

 

[catherine]

We have one child, a four year old. I can't help him with his side of the business, he delivers for a package company right here in our town. I handle all of the books, payrolls taxes, etc. to keep our cost down.

That's the thing, when he comes home, he sits up and watches tv until 11 pm so he's so tired all week, he doesn't interact with us. I tell him evey night to go take a shower and lie in bed, at least he'll fall asleep earlier and we can do things on the weekend. (He used to work offshore 7 out and 7 days in and it was the same way - no help.)

I work too, and I'm a full time college student and a mother, and a wife ontop of the business stuff that I handle. So, we both put in about the same hours, I may even put in more with studying (that's work to me) but I organize my time.

I just don't know.....to you all it sounds like we work too much but that's how we were both raised. You work all that you can while you are young and able to b/c each year you get older, the harder it is physically to do the work. This enables us to retire around 50 instead of 65 or 70 yrs old. Don't get me wrong, it's not all work if it were up to me, we'd go someplace every month but he's a home body and I can't get him out of the house.

 

[flisssweetpea]

Gee yes you do have a heavy workload. I fully appreciate how you feel. I was a full-time mother (kids were 9 and 2), full-time student and did a part-time job. Hubby worked full-time and did a postgraduate degree part-time too. We did all of this at the same time, had hardly any money and it was hard. It was really, really hard. If it's any consolation it did get better. But we did try to keep a normal life going to. I'm not saying we balanced it really well all the time, but it worked in the end.

As for going to bed early, I know when I work til 9, I get home about 10 pm and my brain's still buzzing. I just can't go to bed until I've wound down, even though that ends up being rather late.

If it's any consolation it does get easier, although I think you need to talk, calmly, to hubby about this. My husband managed to retire at 45, then again a couple of weeks ago. But because I'm quite a bit younger than him and will be working for some time to come he's looking for another job!! Even thinking of opening a cattery sometime soon. So unless you're both planning on retiring together it's not always as easy as it seems.

Good luck. I know how hard it is. Feel free to PM me anytime if you want to talk.

 

[dragonlady]

Good grief if both of you are working HIRE some one to help you out!!!! I think you are expecting too much. He loves you, he brings home a paycheck, he works long hours, he just isn't being YOU and he isn't supposed to be!

You have a full schedule and a four year old child. How much time is spent with the child? Is he just at school all the time or with a family member? Plan a date night with hubby, make him feel like more than a paycheck to you. Send love notes in his lunch, meet him after work and take him out to dinner. Treat him as you would like to be treated.

 

[catherine]

I may have worded my post wrong, I don't want help in the house. I want to be appreciated. When I ask for something small to be done, just please do it. I don't pitch a fit when he calls me in the middle of the day to drop what I'm doing to go pick up parts for the truck. I simply go do it. The only thing that I ask he do in the house is to take out the garbage.

As for yard work.......he doesn't have to do that either, I cut the grass, weed, sweep it off, keep up the pool, trim the trees, everything. I tend to getting the oil changes in the vehicles, bring them to the shop in between classes if they need to be fixed etc.

As far as the fence, my point was that it was rotting. Some pieces were on the ground and where we live.....it's rain everey week. Also the termite company had told me we had to get it away from the house or they would drop our contract. I told him and guess what.......we were dropped. The fence was in 6 foot sections.......no way I could have moved it.

I guess what really got me fired up is that last nihgt our son asked for a pb&j sandwhich while I was doing the company books and trying to get to the night deposit at the bank so I ask my hubby to do it and he got mad. I don't like going to the bank late at night but I had to so I was in a hurry. I didn't think that it was too much to ask of him.

He got home at 6:30.....I got home from work at 8:00.

And he get homemade, from scratch meals at least 4-5 times a week.

I just want to be appreciated and help with little things, like make a sandwhich for our son.

 

[nebula11]

I agree with all of them...stop the nagging...it seems that is the only conversation you guys have......but...............
I belive you have every right to be happy...and it is obvious that you are not....you need to tell him this.....dont whine or nag to him....just straight out "I am not happy"...this will get him to stop, and think...and maybe you guys can work it out...but he needs to be informed of this...he may be too oblivious to even tell .......or maybe he is not happy either and has the same resistance you have to tell you.....good luck hunny i hope it all works out for you

 

[annabelle33]

maybe it's just me but if my bf worked 14 hours a day I would do everything else around the house unless I had to work too. We don't have any kids and I'm not going to say I would change my mind if I did (but I might) but I'm more of a traditional woman anyhow.. Or atleast I would like to be a traditional woman.

 

[catherine]

I do most of my work from home, on the computer but when I do have ot go in to the shop my son comes with me. It's another family owned business that I used to run full time but now mostly handle the books and photo restoration and photography. So, usually my son and I are home during the week in between college semsesters. And I take care of eveything from home.

As far as to hire someone......we can't afford it. Not with me being in school, I know that when I finish college, it will get much better. That''s why I'm doing it b/c he has told me that he won't go to college and siad that he would support me. I've told him I'm not happy and he says he is.

He's one of those happy go lucky guys.....nothing bothers him.

 

[yosemite]

I hastily posted a reply and hopefully you didn't see it before I deleted it.

Now that you have provided more information, all I can say is - I don't blame you for being angry and frustrated. However, nagging won't do a thing to fix anything.

You sound overworked, over-tired, over-sensitive, over-fed-up, etc., etc. If the two of you can't talk about it and work out a solution between you, then you either need to hire someone to help you with your workload or get some counselling (although when you would have time to go to counselling I cannot imagine).

Perhaps when he wouldn't do the pbj sandwich thing you could have made a compromise - just tell him you'd be happy to make the sandwich but he'll have to take the deposit to the bank - give him a choice and let him decide which one he wants to do but make sure you don't do BOTH. And the secret is not to sound petty when you do it - just very matter of fact.

 

[rockcat]

Catherine, I can feel your frustration. I used to have a similar marriage. I did EVERYTHING: cleaning, cooking, laundry, groceries, etc. We raised birds and I rarely got help with the cage cleaning. We had a large house. There was no AC (in Florida) and I wanted it fixed. There were many repairs that never got done. He didn't work as many hours as your husband, but could never find the time to work on our house. I was happy when he brought his coffee cup back into the kitchen. I loved him very much, but we started to argue a lot. If its on my mind, it comes out of my mouth.

He left because "married people are not supposed to fight." I was devastated. He asked for a divorce. I couldn't believe it.

It's years later. I've moved on. I happen to be very happy now. He wanted me back after it was too late.

I have a lot of empathy for you. Just please choose your battles carefully.

 

[ilovecats]

I understand why you're upset. But you need to understand that your huspand spends 14 HOURS at work....that is like over a day. He's tired. I bet if you talk to him, calmly, without whining or yelling, tell him how you feel. Don't come to us, come to your huspand. Tell him you want more attention. But remember he most likely feels he wants more attention himself. Tell him you love him, and you want to feel loved. Keep us posted, okay? PM me whenever you need to talk.

 

[dragonlady]

I too understand how you feel, though you may not be able to tell from my post. It is hard, but you have to make a choise. Perhaps you could cut back on your classes, unless you have nearly completed your courses.

You don't do the books every day do you? How long does it actually take you to do everything during the day. Maybe if you make a log of what you do and when, you will see a pattern of extra time you didn't even know you had.

I'm sure there is a teen in your area that would do yard work for cheap. Make time to spend with your husband. Rent a motel room for the two of you, or send your son for a sleep over at the grandparents. Let your husband know how much you appreciate the hard work he does in supporting you and your son. Men need to hear this stuff to know they are loved as well.

Many people say "Well, he knows I love him!" so tell him anyway! You have to be the one to make the first move.

 

[mrsd]

Catherine,
My hubby would love being married to you!

The four to five home cooked meals a week would do that. lol

You're not asking too much to be appreciated. A simple thank you. A turn at giving the son a bath. Bringing home take out food. These little things add up and mean so much.

I've heard this said before: A good relationship starts in the kitchen. He helps with the dishes (or does them period), makes you feel appreciated, which in turn makes you view him in a lovey dovey light.

Yes, he works a lot of hours. So do you. Tell him you appreciate him working those hours. But you need to be noticed, and you need some conversation. Tell him it would be like him working all week, with no paycheck. You want a paycheck of thanks and a little chipping in at times. Be specific. Tell him what would make you feel happy. And ask him the same.

A flower that isn't admired, wilts. This is how many affairs get started. Someone else comes along and notices the beautiful scent. Tell him it's serious. You have a disease.

You're a woman, and women need conversation and admiration.

Best wishes!

 

[rockcat]

Originally Posted by mrsd

Catherine,
My hubby would love being married to you!

The four to five home cooked meals a week would do that. lol

You're not asking too much to be appreciated. A simple thank you. A turn at giving the son a bath. Bringing home take out food. These little things add up and mean so much.

I've heard this said before: A good relationship starts in the kitchen. He helps with the dishes (or does them period), makes you feel appreciated, which in turn makes you view him in a lovey dovey light.

Yes, he works a lot of hours. So do you. Tell him you appreciate him working those hours. But you need to be noticed, and you need some conversation. Tell him it would be like him working all week, with no paycheck. You want a paycheck of thanks and a little chipping in at times. Be specific. Tell him what would make you feel happy. And ask him the same.

A flower that isn't admired, wilts. This is how many affairs get started. Someone else comes along and notices the beautiful scent. Tell him it's serious. You have a disease.

You're a woman, and women need conversation and admiration.

Best wishes!

Well said!

 

[tonim68]

Wait... you have to give him credit for getting up and going to work everyday without you telling him too????? Are you kidding???? He's SUPPOSED to do that! He's a grown up, right? That kills me when people say cr@p like that. Look - part of being an adult is to take care of your responsibilities. And that means GO TO WORK and TAKE CARE OF YOUR KIDS AND YOUR FAMILY!

Seems like your issues with him are that he is not demonstrative to you nor does he pull his weight around the house. Yea, I'll concede to the fact he works long hours... but don't you too? We ALL need to know we are loved and not to be treated like an afterthought!

 

[catherine]

mrsd,

that is exactly what i'm talking about. we joke around all the time and i think that's probably where part of my problem started. i'm not the type of person who is lovely dovey with people i just met so in the beginning i showed my affection with humor. now, he takes it to the extreme most of the time. this may sound silly here's an example: he was sitting in a chair that i wanted to sit it (so that i could eat, he had finished) so he was joking with me that he wouldn't get up. well, i said if he didn't that i would kiss him.......he ran like that chair was on fire!

It's funny in front of people and we try to keep everyone laughing at our "weird humor" about love but when we're home he continues it. i tell him it aggervates me when we're home and he knows it. he just laughs and says i'm cute when i'm frustrated.

but it really makes me mad and after an hour of his joking for just a kiss, my self-esteem really starts to plummet.

i show him eveyday that he is appreciated by working, doing eveything around the house and taking care of our son on top of being a full time college student so that we can move forward in life. also, anything that he asks me to do is done within a reasonalbe amount of time. in addition i do tell him i appreciate him but i get nothing.


we're taking a trip for new years to my sis's house so, i'm sure she'll keep our son and we can go have some alone time. i'm planning on having a chat with him then.
thanks eveyone for caring.

 

[kittylover4ever]

Well Catherine, I'll put in my 2 cents worth. Jerry works ALL the time. He has a full time job as a parts dept manager, and is also a fireman. He has almost no free time, so I take it upon myself to take complete care of the house, the bills, the yard work, etc. The only things I bother him with are problems with the cars and things that mechanically need fixed around the house. The only difference between us really is the he will actually come home and not complain one bit if I ask him to cook dinner, or do the dishes etc. He never goes into the kitchen without asking me if there is something he can get for me! I am amazed by this man every day. He busts his butt every day and hands over very paycheck. I tell him every day what a wonderful man he is and of course he sluffs it off, saying he's not, etc. Maybe if like someone said, you did little things for him, such as love notes in lunches, etc, he would get the hint. Jerry I know appreicates all that I do, but he never tells me that. He does tell me he loves me all the time, but is not romantic. There are just some things I guess we have to accept about our men........I'm here if you need me.......we all are!

 

[catherine]

i have even ridden with him for 3 months on the truck to help him out and during that time, i still didn't get any help when we got home. i went with him to work for 3 months at 5 am, got home when he did, cooked, did laundry, paid the bills, bathed the baby and still no help. so, you can't tell me that i don't know what he's goin through.....i think some of you may have missed that i work pretty close to the same hours that he does. and i'm a full time college student.

i'm not asking him to do laundry or cook or clean - just make a damn pb&j sandwhich for our son w/o b%$#@ing! i think he needs to see what all i do to. there's no doubt that i appreciate him and i do show him with notes, or bringing him homemade luches and picking up somehting at the store that i know he likes to surprise him.

i just want the same.......i haven't recieved flowers since we were dating. not even for the birth of our son which was 1 hour before my birthday!

what really aggervates me is the fact that i only ask him to do things that i can not physically do and he never has the time to do it but if one of his buddies call and needs help replacing a roof - he's over there in 5 min.

i don't know........i'll just talk to him this weekend - hopefully he'll talk to me instead of staring into space like he normally does.

 

[sweets]

Originally Posted by Ilovecats

I understand why you're upset. But you need to understand that your huspand spends 14 HOURS at work....that is like over a day. He's tired. I bet if you talk to him, calmly, without whining or yelling, tell him how you feel. Don't come to us, come to your huspand. Tell him you want more attention. But remember he most likely feels he wants more attention himself. Tell him you love him, and you want to feel loved. Keep us posted, okay? PM me whenever you need to talk.

A few of you missed the fact that she works 14 HOURS A DAY TOO She's just as tired as he is.

I agree with giving him choices. OK hunny, you can make the pb&j sandwich or you can run to the bank. You can move the pieces of fencing away from the house, or you can find a new exterminator because we are going to loose the warranty for this one. Ok sweetie, you can start treating me like I'm an EQUAL partner in this marraige, or you can start doing EVERYTHING yourself!

It took a warning from me to my SO that I wanted to hear more appreciation or he'll start finding things undone to get what I needed to hear. I didn't place blame. I didn't nag. I didn't threaten. I just stopped doing some of the things he expected me to do...like making the home made meals.

Sandy