8yr old cat is jealous of other cat and my boyfriend

[uniqueishard]

I have an 8 yr old long hair domestic male cat who is fixed (Mr Buttons). I also have a 7 yr old black and white domestic short hair female who is also fixed (Tiny the Cow). I've been living with both of them for around 8 yrs. I got the male first and then almost a yr later I got the female so they are not strangers. Both were kittens when I got them with no history of trauma that I knew of.

For as long as I can remember Mr Buttons has been jealous/dominating of Tiny. Every time Tiny finds a place for herself to sit, whether it be a cat bed or a pillow I placed on the floor for them to sit on, Mr Buttons always eventually pees on it. I stopped buying cat beds because of this behavior. The other day I got a giant bean bag (no actual beans in it!) and my bf and i had been using it along with Tiny and Buttons. Then out of nowhere Mr Buttons decided to pee into the middle of the bag. I was not home when it happened. I am fairly sure I've never been home to witness it happen. My bf didn't know it was happening until I came home and noticed the smell right away. 

Along with this inappropriate unrination, Mr Buttons has always been jealous of my boyfriends. My current boyfriend and I have lived together for the last 2 yrs and Mr Buttons still doesn't seem to want to let me sit with him uninterrupted. I can spend an entire day sitting on my couch with Buttons across the room but as soon as my bf comes home Mr Buttons HAS to try and sit on my lap. Mr Buttons used to also pee on my bf's work clothes (works with cars) in our bedroom. To solve that issue we keep our bedroom door closed at all times and no longer allow the cats in our bedroom. 

I have 2 litter boxes (one hooded and the other automatic), a tall scratcher just for Buttons and one just for tiny, a cat tree, and numerous toys. 

Sorry for the long explanation but I wanted to give as much insight as possible. I don't know what to do to make Mr Buttons feel better and not let him ruin everything. Please feel free to ask me questions bc I'm at my wits end and just don't know what to do.

 

[di and bob]

I would try a calming collar or any of the calming sprays available, he is obviously trying to be dominate in the family. You also might try giving him more attention, he may feel he needs to 'prove himself' somehow and a little more attention might make him feel more secure. I know it's hard but your boy friend should make an effort to win him over, play with him with a wand, treats, or just extra scratching under the chin. I don't know after two years why he hasn't accepted the new boyfriend.(?) Does the boyfriend like cats, or is he indifferent? My cat kept spraying until he felt secure in his new house, now he doesn't. There is hope! You just have to find the answer.

 

[uniqueishard]

I actually had used a feliway defuser for a few months and couldn't really tell if it was helping him or not. I could try a calming collar so it's just for him and a little more concentrated. Thanks for the suggestion!

As far as giving him attention, I do let him sit on my lap often because I know he really likes doing it. It's to the point of when I come home for work he will walk to the couch and meow at me in hopes I will sit down so he can sit on me. I have been trying to do it a little less but still petting him when he sits next to me so he knows i'm not trying to punish him. I feel like I've allowed him to control me because I always cater to him. I'm trying really hard to give equal pets between the 2 cats even though it might upset Tiny. She is just plain more affectionate than he is. She has begun wanting to sit on my lap and I'm afraid to let her do it as much as she wants so that Buttons doesn't get jealous. I don't want either of them to feel like there is favoritism.

My boyfriend does not like cats. He has warmed up to Tiny because she is sweet, mostly quiet, and affectionate. He doesn't like Mr Buttons because he is often vocal, likes to rub my bf after every shower to the point of nipping him, and is just plain annoying (to my bf). I know he needs to try and play with at least buttons but it's hard to make someone do something they just aren't too interested in. He's a dog person through and through and can't have a dog right now. 

Mr Buttons used to be my wake up call in the morning (any time from 3am-6am). I tried everything to make him stop. Water bottle spraying, locking in the bathroom, and just yelling! Then i bought a ssscat air sprayer and that worked for a while but then he just wasn't afraid of it anymore. Then I bought an automatic feeder and he has stopped waking me up!! So i know that there is some kind of solution for his behavior that I just haven't figured out yet. 

 

[catspaw66]

It sounds to me like Mr. Buttons sees the bf as a threat, possibly because of the car chemical odors.  Also, if he doesn't like Mr Buttons, MB will definitely reciprocate the feelings.

 

[uniqueishard]

I know. My boyfriend has been trying to pet Buttons and interact with him but it's hard to get a dog person to understand cats. He wants to help me figure this out but he doesn't really understand the way a cat's mind works when it comes to fixing behaviors. He's come a long way to understanding cats though so he's not a lost cause. Part of our problem is that we live in a one bedroom apartment. We are currently looking to rent a house and I'm hoping that will help all of us feel more comfortable.

Mr Buttons doesn't get to go near his work clothes anymore but he does have access to his work boots and has never done anything more than bat the laces occasionally. So maybe it's the weird smells but either way he doesn't have to go near them anymore. Whenever my bf gets out the shower Mr Buttons has to rub himself as much as he can on his arm or legs. He will rub his face on him in a way that pushes his top lips back and then he winds up nipping him. I know that Buttons isn't a bitter and I've watched it happen and my bf does nothing to provoke it. He even sometimes tries to pet him so maybe he won't do the rubbing/bitting but it doesn't help. We both use the same shampoo and body wash so I'm not sure why he insists on doing that to my bf and not to me. My boy is a strange kitty lol.

 

[catspaw66]

It is hard to get a dog person to understand cats.  It sounds like your bf is trying to, though.  That is a good sign.   Mr. Buttons evidently likes the bf some or he wouldn't rub against him.  Could it be that the nips are MB trying to give love nips?

Does your bf look at this site? Here is a thread he should read - www.thecatsite.com/t/209425/are-there-other-men-cat-lovers-out-there

 

[goholistic]

My one cat, Caesar, does not like men...period. My boyfriend and I of eight years do not yet live together, but when he comes over, Caesar paces around him and will swat at him if my bf tries to reach out to pet him. My bf has tried to give him his favorite treats and play with him, but to no avail. I finally told my bf to ignore him and not reach out to him and that helps a lot. It's almost like Caesar feels threatened and he's always focused on my bf's hands, like they're big and mean or something. My dad came over to help me hang pictures in my bedroom and Caesar was pacing around him and licking his lips like a wild animal! But he was perfectly fine with my mom (who even picks him up) and my best female friend.

Caesar has general anxiety issues. The diffuser didn't work much and the calming collars only worked for a few months. L-theanine worked the best for calming my cat. You may want to try another type of calming agent to at least stop the inappropriate urination. It may also help to make one of the litter boxes more hidden and private. I have one litter box tucked in a quiet corner of a room with a room divider in front of it. That was really more for me to hide an ugly litter box in my nice office, but my cats now love using that box because it's like their own little private loo. I also have to scoop twice a day or I run the risk of Caesar peeing outside the box because it's dirty to his standards. I have no experience with automatic litter boxes, but I've heard from others that cats do not like them. Perhaps your bf could try to ignore Mr. Buttons for awhile (if not already) and see if that makes a difference in him feeling less threatened.

I just rememberd...my parents have a cat that will nip at my dad's feet (but not mom's) after he takes a shower. They think it's because the cat likes the way the soap smells on him. It's only after he takes a shower. Weird.

Good luck!

 

[uniqueishard]

Thanks for all the suggestions! I have started to try and greet MB when I come home and when I wake up in the morning. I'm trying to see if approaching him immediately upon arrival will help him relax. It's been 2 days so far. In the morning, I usually come out of the bedroom and go straight to the bathroom. This usually causes MB to cry while my bf tries to sleep a little longer. So this morning I came out and went straight over to him and pet him with some soft words. I think because I did that he did not feel the need to cry (until I was in the bathroom entirely too long after I showered lol). I think it's a good step for us. I'm hoping as long as I greet him first he seems to be less anxious when I get home. 

I also ordered Spirit Essense called Peacemaker. I am hoping that it will ease the tension between my cats. MB either doesn't mind Tiny as much as Tiny minds him or he just wants to kick her out of places she's sitting. Either way I'm hoping this stuff will help calm them.