He lied

Oh Mackenzie-what trying times you have.

I really do not have much to add because so many people have given you good advice. Its good that you both sat down and discussed this situation. You both must have felt a bit better.
I hope everything works out for the both of you.

Hugs.....

Mackenzie, I just finished reading this thread. I'm glad you & John hare trying to work things out. I have no advice to offer, but if you ever need someone to snuggle, I'm sure Harley will hug you for us all.

My husband and I have been in the ministry for 28 years. We have seen couples with a lot of heartaches over the years. Once trust is gone, it is about impossible to gain it back. Could you ever believe him again? Life is too short to spend it with someone who is addicted to drugs. My advice would be to find someone you can trust who doesn't lie to you and start over.

Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom

I'm so glad you could sit down and talk about this, and that he has decided to try and "quit" again. However, do not make him take a drug test. You are trying to rebuild trust and nobody should ever have to prove anything like that (it's sort of like if he asked you for proof you weren't cheating on him...). I know it was his idea, but I can't see it doing anything but making him bitter and making you feel like his mother. If he no longer wants to smoke pot, make sure its for him or for both of you, you should be his support system for it (as you did a very good job of trying to be!) and not his reason.

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I agree with Zissou's Mom. Having John take a drug test each month to prove that he's not smokin' doesn't help the situation. Besides you can buy drug-free pee on the internet and that could just start adding to the lies of the past.

Making sure that he understands that you were more hurt about him lying than you were about his smokin' helps him understand that you would prefer openness and this can help rebuild the trust between you two.

Oh no!! I just saw this thread. I am very sorry you're having problems. It is awful to feel like you've been lied to and especially from someone you love so much. Hopefully you two can work things out, and maybe he really just didn't tell you because he didn't want to hurt you.

If everything else in your relationship is good, I would totally work on this and just make sure he knows that you WILL NOT stand for any lying.

Sorry you're going through this sweety

Mackenzie, I havn't read this whole thread, but I just wanted to send some hugs your way! I know what it's like to have someone break your trust, it hurts like heck. Just remember, no matter how much you love him, you can't really love him if you don't love yourself (and that means protecting yourself!). My 'advice' is just for you both to keep in mind that your actions affect one another. Think about where you are headed and where you want to be in 5 years, if where you want to go and where your headed don't seem to line up, it's time to set some goals to get there.

I'm so glad that you were able to talk, that's really where it starts. I myself have always been support for my Daughter if she's doing the right things so it goes without saying there has been plenty of times when I couldn't do for her. The lies oh gosh you want to beleive them, but pretty soon you find yourself almost not beleiving anything they say. She has been at it once again, when they don't call you pretty much know.
For me it's that my Daughter has been this way for a long time probably 12 years off and on, she has been in 2 in house programs, also been in jail a couple of times once for a year and she still didnt get it after going right into a program. The last time she called me she asked me if I could come and get her, and it was on the day that my Grandson was graudating and I told her no, I was in the middle of alot of stuff. The next day I got to thinking here she is not physically well ( Diabetic) and surely not emotionally well. So I told her I have 3 numbers for you number 1, An inhouse program, 2. the police to come and get you, or 3 the morgue because that's where your headed. And that is one call I don't want to get, I haven't heard from her sence. I think if he makes a promise to you to do drug testing take him up on it why put yourself through it, broken promises and lies, make him earn your trust, it affects every aspect of your life, they don't think about who there hurting in the process, I told my daughter I am sick and tired of being put in the middle of everyone elses crap, we all have our own and just because I happen to be over 50 doesn't mean I don't have my own to. I don't really feel sorry for her completely I feel terrible that her life isn't wonderful but I can't get that for her, the last thing I told her was that I don't have what you need, Please go get help I would like to know that everyone is ok before I'm not here anymore, I hope you 2 work hard at making it work your still young and now's the time to do it, I just don't have it in me anymore although I will never give up on her, but she has to want it just like he does, it doesn't matter what we want really, Good Luck Please keep us posted.

Mackenzie, as a latecomer to this thread I don't have anything to add to the great advice that's already been offered, but it does seem like the fact that you guys had a long talk about things is a step in the right direction. Communication is so important in any relationship. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Mack,
I'm so sorry that I missed this thread honey, but you got lots of great advice. Whatever you feel is right is best, just make sure that your decision to stay isn't made mostly out of fear. Fear of leaving, fear of hurting him more, fear of turning your world upside down. And make sure that if you were to decide to leave it's not just because you are angry.

You love him, and that means so much that words can't even say, but I agree with what another member said, you can NOT be his reason to quit, if he is quitting because you want him to, then it won't be the real thing. And I am so not trying to rain on your parade honey, I am all for trying to make things work, but one member said that marijuana is something you have a choice to do or not, it's not this unbearable physiological driving need, it is a choice. If this is true (I make no claims of any truth about anything, lol) then he CHOSE to lie to you, he CHOSE to do it. It's not that he just couldn't help himself, and he CHOSE to do it for an entire year. That's such a tough thing to deal with babe. You have prob thought of all of this and still made the choice that's right for you.

I only say this stuff because I was in a similar position over a year ago with my ex (of 4.5 yrs, lived together, etc...same setup),,,do I stay or do I go? Although I said to myself that I would go if need be, that something deep inside just didn't click. I knew deep down that I would do whatever it takes to make it work, because I loved him, and I thought that's what you did when you loved someone like that. It's not always the right decision, and thankfully he made it to where there was no other thing for me to do but to go really, otherwise I would have fought for us to the death.
I agree about how wonderful TCS is. These members are honestly what got me through my life shattering time. I have amazing 'real life' friends, but nothing they could say or do came close to the advice, support, and love I got here. I swear it made all the difference. I love you all too! Good luck girl, and I hope that every thing works out, and this was just a bump in the road to a healthy happy relationship, just be wary and look out for yourself, and promise to never lie to yourself. You a such a beautiful, strong, smart girl!!!

I'm glad you guys were able to talk it out, that's the most important thing and that you are being supportive of him may eventually help him get through his addiction and recover.....

I have only found slightly cause I'm new but people here seem to be very supportive.

I'm sorry that I just saw this and I hope you two work things out. We're here for you.

Originally Posted by Bugaboo1

My husband and I have been in the ministry for 28 years. We have seen couples with a lot of heartaches over the years. Once trust is gone, it is about impossible to gain it back.

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I couldn't disagree more. Yes, life is short, and it's best to be with someone you love, and with whom you are compatible. But this is what relationships are all about - trusting, giving, taking. Rebuilding when things have broken down. There comes a time when one must make the decision whether to stay or go, but know that it is possible to trust again. It takes work.

Mackenzie, I'm so glad that you've had the chance to talk with him! The fact that he's being receptive to your opinion means a lot, I think. It will be a real test for the next many months, and it might require changes on both your parts. I highly encourage seeking counselling for the both of you, if you have the chance.

Good luck!

Girl, I just caught this thread and wanted to send you some love. I know these things can be rough, and you've got plenty of great advice here. Stay strong, and follow your heart. Trust your instincts, they tell you a lot. You know him better than anyone here, and you know how far you're willing to go to help him get sober. Make sure to keep comunication open, and as hard as it is, try not to judge him b/c that will only make him not want to tell you that he slipped (be prepared, he will). You can holler at me anytime if you want to talk. I hope that everything works out in the end.

It's good you are sticking by him. It's so easy on the outside to just say 'leave him' but I should know it's never that simple when you love somebody and have built a life together.
One thing I will say though is you are saying you will help him through this but what if he doesn't want to stop? He didnt before because he kept doing it behind your back so how can you be sure he really wants to now? whats changed for him?
I really hope that he realises that continuing to use drugs will cost him his relationship. If not then I hope you have the strength to move forward without him.
Hugs to you sweetie because what you are going through is just crappy.

Oh Mackenzie, I've just seen this!! I won't add anything as most has already been said, but I just want to send you lots of

I just finished reading this thread, and I just want to give you and, as you know, we're all here for ya when you need to talk, I hope that you and John can work past this, every relationship will have its up and downs, and everyone makes mistakes. The key is to learn from them. I've been lied to in the past and while it does hurt and will always be in your mind, I'd like to give you one little bit of advice, one of the central mantras of AA- One Day At A Time.... don't worry about yesterday, don't worry about tomorrow, live in today.

Originally Posted by Pombina

Oh Mackenzie honey that is just awful. To me, smoking pot is not a big deal, we don't do it but I wouldn't mind Mark doing it occasionally. However...if he did it alot and LIED about it I wouldn't be sticking around

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Mackenzie i'm so sorry chick Has John sought some proper help on his addiction?.

Yes the way he's lied is bad, but remember it's a problem that he has just like alcoholism and you can't just give it up that easily, plus although your being supportive, because yes he will need you to be, i still say he needs professional help to get him through this properly.

I remember an old neighbour who had a drink problem years ago. The counsellor asked was she willing to admit she had a problem?, she said she didn't have one but she did. The counsellor then said " Until you admit to me you have a drink problem i'm not giving you any help".

If John admits he has a problem and that he will seek professional help, then don't give up on him just yet. Stand by him and help him through it. If on the other hand he says he can give it up himself, tell him to close the door on his way out because there been too many promises made and broken by him.

I have been away from the computer all weekend and I am just reading this thread!! I am sorry your are gong through a tough time now Kenz!! It looks as though you have made your choice to stay with John and give him another chance so I am not really going to give you any advise on that subject. I will just remind you that if you EVER need to chat my PM box is always open!!

I think it's weird that everyone keeps saying John has an addiction. A person doesn't get addicted to pot..I think he probably just enjoys it sometimes. That is definately different than being addicted.

I just had to say that because when the term "addict" is used, it constitutes a much more serious situation than if he's just using it every so often rather than every single say a bunch of times.

I don't think he's an addict at all, I think the main issue here is the lying which once you get over that hump, I'm sure you will be back to normal. Of course there's no excuse for lying at all. If he knows he can be honest with you without you getting upset than he'll be more likely to tell you everything

Thanks again everyone, you're all awesome.

We did get a chance to talk yesterday - and I really don't think he has an addiction - I think he does it out of habit, and because its around him. Yes, I understand that since he has been smoking for about 10 years, (give or take) that its awesome that he's only done it only a handful of times in the past year. I just guess it was the lying that really hurt me, I never thought he would lie to me - ever.

We got to spend a lot of quality time together yesterday and got a lot of things sorted out between us, much needed things. A lot of them were trust issues with us. We trust eachother, but we are both so scared of losing eachother, as we were both hurt horribly in previous relationships. I told him that we can't build our own relationship if we're still living in the past ones. He agreed and we both promised to make things better. This was a HUGE eye opener for me, a huge one.

It was a really long weekend, a lot of crying and wondering 'whats next?'

I put my ring back on, after we talked. I told him again that this ring for me stands for trust, and if I ever feel as tho he can't come to me and trust me with his problems, than the trust obviously isn't there, and either is the relationship.

I think its all going to be okay. He told me that he wants to stop, but was only afraid to tell me cuz he thought it would hurt me (well duh, obviously!!). I told him to always come to me, I wont make him stop, but I will HELP him stop.