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He lied - Page 2

post #31 of 97
Oh my goodness! This is wierd, and horrible. It's so bad to hear news like this. Well here...
It's going to be ok. I'm sure it's a phase. But he did lie, and that really sucks...really bad. But you guys seem to have such a great thing going on for you two, that I'm sure it can be worked out.

Although...The trust is definately lowered. And that's no good. I'm sure it can be fixed, and everything can be back to normal, but being a women it's hard to let go of the "he lied to me" feeling. Which is super hard to let go of. I feel very sorry for you, and what you have to go through. Is it something you can forgive? Or understand? Sheeshh...I sure hope everything is ok.
I know you love him lots, so letting go of him isnt a possibility right now. You just are thinking of ways to make it better. Hope it all works out.

post #32 of 97
I am so sorry sweety! *HUGS* I cant tell you what to do. I am against drug use totally. And well its illegal. and I know I wouldnt put up with it. But you love him. So its hard. Your goig to have to search your heart only you know what is gonna be best for you. Lieing is also something i wont tolerate. Steve and i have a 100% honesty clause for our relationship. *HUGS
post #33 of 97
His dishonesty is what would concern me most, McKenzie. As you said, if he lies about a matter such as this, what else is he withholding from you or what will he feel is acceptable in the future? This is a tough lifestyle to break, but I know it is possible to do so. He has to have this conviction in his own heart, though, not because any one else feels he should change. Sending strength and wisdom to you as you face this tough conflict in your relationship.
post #34 of 97
Aww Kenz, after having been with liars and cheaters, not to mention the drugs, I would say move on. You want more for you and your future children I'm sure. It's so hard to just turn your back and walk away from someone you love and careabout, but I've done it and in the long run, I'm SOOO HAPPY I did..........IMO.
post #35 of 97

I'm so sorry to hear this is going on. As mentioned by many, it is the dishonestly that would bother me more than anything. Has he really done much more than what he is telling you? Will you always questions what he says in the future? Sending you lots of strength to make it through this tough time.
post #36 of 97
Could he have just said that since you two were in an argument? Maybe he was hurt that you two were in a fight so he just said that he smoked pot just to hurt you. ???

If you don't believe this to be so, then here's my input. I give the person I date one more chance. Sure you're hurt, but you also had a reality hit you about your relationship, so you're wiser now. If he can't change and since smoking pot is something you're very against, then at that point its time to move on. I know it sounds like an ultimatum, but it sets boundries for yourself so that you don't allow yourself to get too involved if things do not get better (and ONLY give one chance...no more!).

Either way though its your decision and I wish you the best.
post #37 of 97
I have to also say that the lying is what really concerns me. While I'd rather be with an occasional smoker than a drunk for a spouse, I'd rather NOT be with anyone who thinks it's okay to lie to me. Totally not okay.
post #38 of 97
Thread Starter 
Wow, thanks everyone for your help

I haven't stopped crying since last night, I just feel miserable.

He has been smoking pot since he was about 14 - a long time. He's now 24. (23 when I met him).

I know, smoking pot shouldn't be a big deal - but to me, it is. Its something that I don't want to put up with or be around. To me, its not the way I want to live my life, or have my spouse live his.

The biggest deal here is that he's been lying to me for months. I ask him all the time if he's been smoking, because people tell me that he has been, and when I ask him, he'll tell me no. So of course I believed him over my friends, and now I feel like the biggest dummy ever, sticking up for him when he was lying to me.

We live together - if he moves out, I don't know what I'll do. I'll definately be in a financial bind. But of course my happiness is worth more than that.

I know there are plenty of guys out there who don't smoke. I've met them, they are wonderful, always happy, outgoing people (not saying that people who smoke aren't.) But I just can't picture myself with someone who smokes and lies to me. Thats not my style, or how I want to end up. I'm not going to 'settle'.

I haven't spoken more than 2 words to him since last night. I'm so hurt, I just don't know what to do, or say?? I'm not shutting him out, but considering how hurt and upset I was last night, I didn't want to say anything that would make it all worse.

I want to tell you all that I appreciate all the support and help, it means more to me right now than you can all imagine.
post #39 of 97
Originally Posted by jdpesz
I feel I can speak to this because I am a former alchohol and drug abuse who had to make a choice, and thank God I made the right one. When I fell in love with my wife, I found that I didn't need to smoke or drink anymore to be happy. Thus, I've been clean and sober for 16 years now.
This may not be what you want to hear, but if your BF is not willing to give up the dope for you, then he has not reached the level of maturity that he needs to in order to be a good husband. Nor does he understand what real love is all about.
I don't think you should give up on him altogether. He may grow up and see the light at any time. But you need to make it clear to him that you will not tolerate the drug use and the dishonesty, and if he loves you, he will stop both immediately.
Were all rooting and praying for you MacKenzie.
I agree with this advice 100%. Thank you Jeff. MacKenzie, stay strong and follow your heart. You have tons of support.
post #40 of 97
You can't change someone. If he wants to smoke pot, he's going to do it, and if you say he can't, he's going to lie to you. If you are okay with him doing it occasionally (twice a month is NOT an addiction!) then you will have to tell him that and tell him that he has to be honest about it. If you are not okay with it, then either end it or be okay with him lying about it.

He is not choosing drugs over you, don't feel like that. Don't tear yourself down over it, it was never a "you-or-the-pot" situation. To him, it's probably not wrong or a big deal. If you want to be with someone who never touches the stuff, find someone who agrees with you that it is a big deal and it is wrong from the start, not someone who will "quit for you".

I would hate the lying too, and trust is very important in a relationship, but don't assume just because he lied about this that he lied about anything else. I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but give yourself some time to think about everything, including your priorities. If pot is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. If maybe you can deal with it if he can be honest about it, then you might be able to work something out, but make sure you really are able to deal with it and won't get mad every time he tells you he has smoked. One thing that won't work is trying to get him to promise he won't again.
post #41 of 97
Oh Mackenzie honey that is just awful. To me, smoking pot is not a big deal, we don't do it but I wouldn't mind Mark doing it occasionally. However...if he did it alot and LIED about it I wouldn't be sticking around. I know you don't want to hear that, from anyone, because we all know how much you love him. But he is not the person you thought he was. He has lied to you about this part of his life for however long you've been together and so you will probably never trust him 100% again.
I could not be with somebody who does not respect me enough to be honest with me about something like that. He obviously has no conscience and is very good at hiding things if you did not suspect him so what else does he lie about? You are worth more than this. Pot doesn't have to be a big deal but he has made it one by going behind your back, it just makes it look like he has a problem because it is more important to him than your relationship.
Whatever decision you make we are all here for you but just know that there are a million guys out there who would be so proud to have a gorgeous girl like you on their arm, and would not take you for granted like this.
post #42 of 97
If he has lied to you and you feel it is a big deal, then you will always be left wondering whether he is telling you the truth in the future.

I know someone said this before, but your last post makes me wonder more, could he have said it just to hurt you? You say you have asked him before, maybe he just said yes because giving up is stressing him and you ask him so much that he said yes?

If not, and you do want to stay together, perhaps try to be more approachable when he does give in to the temptation, perhaps you constantly asking and reminding him of how much you dislike it makes him not want to tell you? If he feels he can tell you when he has smoked you can work out what the 'triggers' are (people places etc) and avoid them in future to help him give up.

My advice is to go for a walk and think hard about what you want from life and if he is included in it - don't think about the pot or other problems - just think about what YOU want. Then go home and explain what you want from life, perhaps the honesty is more important to you than him not smoking, and perhaps having children etc will be enough for him to finally give up for good. But if he has been smoking for 10 years and now its just once or twice a month compared to more in the past, he is making an effort FOR YOU and you should try to remember that also while making your decision
post #43 of 97
Lying can be worked around......if it is just one time, I think a full and hearty talk between the two of you might be in order, maybe not so much the drugs but you know a calm talk letting him know how his lying has hurt you.

Some things can be worked around. I've got a problem with complusive shopping. I would buy and buy things and lie to my husband about it. He always found out of course....so I understand the nature of the problem.

We had a talk about it and I mean a serious talk about how my lying was affecting our relationship and that sort of stuff.

It wasn't like it was going to be the end of our relationship but just a quip that I needed to work on. If it is the dishonesty that is the major problem for you and you feel like it might happen again with more seriousness than decide what you need to do.

If you haven't really talked to him about how it has made you feel and if you can talk to him about it than I would suggest perhaps sitting down and having a good and decent talk about how it is affecting you and how you feel it is impacting your relationship.
post #44 of 97

I'm so sorry that you're going through such a painful time. I believe that relationships are successful when there is agreement on core values. Other stuff, disagree all you please. In this case you have the core value that you don't want any drugs in your life; he doesn't have this core value. It isn't that he believes marijuana is more important than you. He just doesn't hold "no drugs" as a core value and doesn't see what the big deal is. So he lies to you to keep you happy. And because of this difference in a core value, I don't think he even needs to have a problem to have it cause you pain. This is going to continue to cause you grief as you both act upon these differing views.

Good luck and let your heart lead you. It usually knows best.
post #45 of 97
Having trust issues, myself, I can't live with a man who lies. I've also been married to an alcoholic. Finally, I decided that I couldn't stop him from screwing up his own life but, I'd be hanged if I'd let him take me down with him.

You need to do whatever is best for YOU.
post #46 of 97
Yikes. This is a hard decision you are facing. I guess if it were me, I'd have a problem with the trust issue, I tell Brad EVERYTHING! I am not a good liar and if I try to, it usually comes back to bite me in the butt so I just don't do it. (I tried to hide smoking from him and it bit me in the butt, but I gave it up right then and there and we are still together.) To me, trust is a very important thing, but I guess for one lie I can forgive and forget, more then that, I'd have to rethink my relationship.
I have a friend that smokes it and is married, but she goes months without it and doesn't do it every day, so I don't think it can't be that addicting. But some people have a lower tolerance for drugs then others. I have a co-worker that is in a relationship with a pothead. I call her sicnificant other that because that is essencially what she is, just a pothead. She wants it all the time. Uses mostly all their money to get it too. It's very sad. So I see both sides of the rainbow.
I guess to me, it's in how you feel towards him. If you feel that you absolutely cannot trust him again, then your relationship isn't worth saving. If you think that yes he has hurt you, but MAYBE he will stop now because of it... well he won't. You can't change someone who's not willing to change themselves, it just makes them want to hide their habits from you because they know it will hurt you and they don't want to do that. I'm just being honest. Deep down he seems like a good man, (at least from what you've said) but you NEED to tell him how you feel right away, because he probably is thinking that the drugs will help him cope with this and will be going back to them if you don't talk to him soon.
As far as the honest thing, that's all on you. It's how you feel being in a relationship with someone that's not been totally honest with you. Maybe this will be what he needs to go into rehab for good and you two will get past it, and if not, that's ok too. You are a great person and I know you will make the right decision, no matter how painful it may be either way.
(sorry if I was all over the place with this, I just wanted to give you some of my life so you can see there are always two sides to things like this.)
I wish you well, and will be thinking about you.
post #47 of 97
Don't hate me for saying this, but I don't think that moderate, occasional pot smoking is that harmful. (No more so than moderate, occasional drinking.) As long as he's not driving under the influence, or exposing you to the smoke (I can understand not wanting to be around it, I hate the smell) I really don't see any harm in him doing it.

That being said, I think the lying is a firing offense. I'm no expert, but I don't think there's any scientific proof that marijuana is chemically addictive, merely habit forming due to the pleasant feelings it induces. I can understand a true addict, suffering from the influence of an uncontrollable chemical addiction, getting some slack for lying. Someone who has a habit you disagree with, though? There's no excuse.

At the risk of sounding like I'm oversimplifying things, I think in relationships, there are basically three categories. Things that are acceptable, things that are negotiable, and things that are deal breakers.

Lying is a deal breaker for me.

I'm sorry you're hurting.
post #48 of 97
Oh hun! Iam just catching up with this thread.....sorry your hurting and having to go thru this! Many many for you. I know I dont blame you for wanting to be mad at him, he LIED to you and that is a big NO NO if your in a committed relationship, no matter what the lie is, or how big it is!! I am not good at giving advice, and I think everyone here has pretty much said what I would say. Remember we are all here for you~and once again, many HUGS for you!!
post #49 of 97
I'm just catching up with this thread right now...and I'm so sorry. The thing that bothers me about the whole thing is the lying, what a terrible situation for you to be in.
post #50 of 97
Another just catching... I am so sorry that this is happening to you. I don't have any advice other than what people have already said. I know you will choose what is right for you, no matter how hard that choice is.

and we're all here for you.
post #51 of 97
(((hugs))) for you babyharley

i only read your first post in this series so far but i totally understand what youre goingthrough.
my ex's name is john and he told me that he only smoked pot, drank, and smoked cigs. all since he was 11. he had a tough childhood and all that blah blah blah, i felt sorry for him ya know.
6 years later he tried crack. he turned crack head and i'll tell ya this (i'm gonna put the caps lock on hehehe):

people with strong addictions lie to get their fix. john and i had started out so in love and all his lying is a definate deal breaker. he did not live up to his end of our relationship; as a matter of fact he abused my trust in him. i dumped him 2 years ago and i'm still paying off the debt. i'm glad we didnt have children; i kept the cats

the best thing i learned from the experience is to see if HIS WORDS MATCH HIS ACTIONS. i believed everything john was telling me. once i started to believe in what he was doing and not what he promised to do, then i could see that he was constantly lying to me.
if youre not sure just do this experiment for a while and see.

you are worth more than that and he knows it. he needs you (for acceptance of his lifestyle and $$ because you are prolly stable in your life). you dont need him and he knows that too. he will tell you whatever you need to hear in order for him to get his way.

i may sound harsh but you care about you more than he does; for real

here's another hug and now i'm gonna go read the rest of the posts

ok, read the rest of the posts.
when i found out what john was doing i cried for just over a week.
i too felt that he chose drugs over me and that i wasn't good enough, so i tried to be better. i tried to be the understanding one, tried to be his buddy, all of that failed.
i felt i was going crazy, doing the same thi ng over and over again and expecting a different result.
have you thought about going to something like al-anon? i went and even th ough john wasnt an alcoholic it sure helped. maybe there's nar-anon where you are.
it really helps to know that you aren't alone and others understand you.
as for giving him another chance, i say that you have to sit down with yourself and think really hard on wether or not you can go through it again when he relapses. or if he will escalate his drug use. after long term usage of weed, you just dont get that high anymore and will start looking for other ways.
i decided that i could not continue to live like that and dumped john.
and not to belittle your relationship or anything, but 1 year is a relatively short time. i stuck around for another 5 years worth of trust abuse and debt buildup!
post #52 of 97
My opinion is sorta skewed right now.. But I never stood for any sort of drugs in a relationship, I have broke up with people over pot.. Then I fell in love for real, and when I found out he smoked I just kinda let it go.. We got engaged and were planning a wedding and getting ready to move into our house when...

da da da daaaa..

he's a heroin addict. Uh :censor::censor::censor:. Or maybe it's crack now. Who knows. It's a real mess, like lifetime movie of the week mess, or he's gonna end up 6' deep mess.

Results not typical, but i will never, EVER ever date someone who has done or does any sort of drugs. Ever. ESPECIALLY someone who lies about it.
post #53 of 97
Originally Posted by Zissou'sMom
You can't change someone. If he wants to smoke pot, he's going to do it, and if you say he can't, he's going to lie to you. If you are okay with him doing it occasionally (twice a month is NOT an addiction!) then you will have to tell him that and tell him that he has to be honest about it. If you are not okay with it, then either end it or be okay with him lying about it.

He is not choosing drugs over you, don't feel like that. Don't tear yourself down over it, it was never a "you-or-the-pot" situation. To him, it's probably not wrong or a big deal. If you want to be with someone who never touches the stuff, find someone who agrees with you that it is a big deal and it is wrong from the start, not someone who will "quit for you".

I would hate the lying too, and trust is very important in a relationship, but don't assume just because he lied about this that he lied about anything else. I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but give yourself some time to think about everything, including your priorities. If pot is a deal-breaker for you, then it's a deal-breaker. If maybe you can deal with it if he can be honest about it, then you might be able to work something out, but make sure you really are able to deal with it and won't get mad every time he tells you he has smoked. One thing that won't work is trying to get him to promise he won't again.
You said much more eloquently what I was trying to say.

I hope things get better for you, Mackenzie... *hugs*
post #54 of 97
There is an exact article on the exact same situation in the More magazine (July Issue).

Read the article. It gives way better advices than I ever could.
post #55 of 97
Thread Starter 
I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your suggestions, help and support

We sat down this afternoon for about 3 hours and talked about everything. The smoking, the lying - our relationship.

I told him that its not really the smoking that bothered me - it was more-so the lying. I won't stand for any sorts of lying in a relationship, especially when thats what broke up my last one - I was lied to for 5 years, and won't stand for it again.

He told me that he didn't want to tell me that he did it because he knew it would hurt me - but he knew better now. He told me that he would go and take a drug test once a month to prove to me that he WILL quit.

I told him that I'm here for him to help him out - thats what relationships are for - to be there for eachother.

I'm going to help him, I can't give up on him - he knows that I will leave him if I hear of this again. I can't just leave him to deal with this on his own - he's my best friend, I'll do anything to help him out.

I love this site, you are all so incredibly supportive and I just cry sitting here reading all of your posts - I've never met a single one of you, but yet you're all here for me like you've known me for years.

I love each and every one of you
post #56 of 97

We're always here for you Mackenzie....
post #57 of 97
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by AbbysMom

We're always here for you Mackenzie....
And I really appreciate it Karen!
post #58 of 97
I'm glad you managed to sit down and talk it through so you both know where you stand

I stand by what I said before, having helped a friend give up pot, its not that its addictive as such, but there are certain people and places that are 'triggers' and t help him stop you will need to work out when he smokes and what those triggers are, if the triggers aren't there then he wont be pressured into / feel the need to smoke up.
post #59 of 97
We certainly are.

I'm so glad you could sit down and talk about this, and that he has decided to try and "quit" again. However, do not make him take a drug test. You are trying to rebuild trust and nobody should ever have to prove anything like that (it's sort of like if he asked you for proof you weren't cheating on him...). I know it was his idea, but I can't see it doing anything but making him bitter and making you feel like his mother. If he no longer wants to smoke pot, make sure its for him or for both of you, you should be his support system for it (as you did a very good job of trying to be!) and not his reason.
It sounds like he thought he was doing the right thing to hide it from you instead of telling you and making you feel bad, and now that he knows he will hurt you far more lying to you (oh, and we do always always find out) than telling you if he does it. Just remember that when he smokes pot, he is choosing to do so. It is not an addiction, though it may be a weakness, like if you go on a diet and suddenly just have to have that pint of ice cream...

I learned the hard way that if you are going to be suspicious all the time you're better off alone. I hope you don't end up feeling this way, thinking every time he goes out if he's smoking pot or wanting him to never go out without you...it ends in disaster. So please please if you start to feel that way, recongnize it as a problem and try to deal with that and with stopping it.

Big group hug to you!
post #60 of 97
O.K......takes a deep breath,

Being a *recovering* addict myself with about 16 1/2 years without any mood altering substance use I can tell you for a FACT....that hanging out with people that *use* is like playing Russian Roulette, its just a matter of time until a person would USE again. When I quit, I called all of my *using friends*, and I use the term *friend* very loosely here, and told them that they could do as they wish when they weren't around me, but if they want to continue to be friends with me then using around me was a No-No. It turns out that I didn't have one single REAL friend. I had to change the places I went, the things I did and absolutely ANY of the triggers or exposure to my drug of choice, which happened to be marijuana also. I am very thank-ful each and every day for my sobriety and I don't ever want to forget how bad things got before I made the choice for MYSELF to stop using drugs because it is what keeps me from going back. Its not an easy thing to do and I'm not going to say it is because that would be a lie and at the same time I quit using drugs I also quit lying to myself and other people. As long as the drug use continues, so will the lying because it is a necessity to hide your addiction. Please don't think that he can help himself without outside intervention because he can't. Addiction is a disease and should be looked at as such, but rarely is. I am much happier with myself and the choices I make for ME and the ones I love today than I ever was being under the influence. I'm still far from perfect and never will be perfect. Everyone makes mistakes and those of us that learn from them are less likely to repeat those mistakes but if we didn't learn from them then we WILL repeat them. If I tell you today that I am sorry and that I made a mistake then my liklely-hood of repeating that offense is not very likely but in my *using* days it was just words.....nothing but words to get me through the situation and most likely I would repeat the offense. When you are living in a *clouded* world its hard for the sun to shine and when it does we are unable to even see or feel it. I wish the best for you and hope things work out.......BUT.....the decision is HIS.....not yours to stop his behavior. We only have the power to change OURSELVES.....no-one else. The first step of fixing a problem is to HONESTLY acknowledge to OURSELF that we even have a problem and until we do that and continue to be honest with ourselves and other people the vicious cycle will be repeated. I guess what I am trying to say is when his *drug of choice* no longer fills the void that he is trying to fill with it, and he gets sick and tired of being sick and tired, and hits HIS true bottom, things will not change. Life today is still sometimes very hard, but I know.....deep down in my heart......that going back to my drug of choice will only make things WORSE for me.....NEVER better. Please don't take this as a lecture, it is just ME and MY opinion.....but it is the opinion of a *recovering addict*......because you see, there is NO CURE.....I will die either a recovering addict or a practicing one. For today.....so far I have been a recovering addict. I'm not one to tell people that I don't feel comfortable with this, so you people have obviously earned my trust....and that is something very important to ME also. I just hope that it doesn't cause anyone to look at me any different, because we all know.....it sometimes does.

Winter Hawk
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