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Friendship? - Page 2

post #31 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy
You're actually UNDERWEIGHT! I'm 5'8 and my doctor says that I should be AT LEAST 160lbs
Well, thats good to know

I haven't talked to her all day (she went somewhere w/ her family today)

I'm just confused and hurt, I never thought she'd end up being this way!
post #32 of 58
You have given her your advice, your opinion, and tried to give her your support. She is obviously not ready to accept any of this. What's happening is that YOU are ending up feeling guilty and hurt, when you are only trying to do what is best for her. That is not fair, and it is not a healthy friendship.
If you really want to continue your friendship with her, the only thing I can see working is that you back off of the whole subject. She already knows where you stand. When she comes to you for advice, remind her that you have given it and she refused to take it. When she wants sympathy, tell her you are sorry that she is hurting, but you are not the one who put her in this painful situation. Remind her every time that you love her and you don't want to see her hurting. Other than that, do not discuss this guy or her relationship with him.
Good luck on this one, it is a very difficult position to find yourself in with someone you truly care about. You're right, though. She has to make her own mistakes. The best you can do is be there for her when she finally realizes she's made one.
post #33 of 58
Oh that's a tough one. Poor thing, I think I can understand a bit why she thinks this way, but I can also see she's only running herself in circles. Pretty soon she could have dug herself a ditch and created a lonely island. She's defiantly going to need a good friend to see that that doesn't happen. But you can't be a good friend by letting her verbally 'beat up' on you. I would listen to her, but when she starts blaming you, tell her gently but firmly that you are not her verbal punching bag and that you are her friend and there to listen, but at the same time, if she doesn't want your advice or opinion then she should consider that ahead of time. In reality, she probably wants desperately to be more like you. That's probably why she keeps calling you.

It's going to be yucky any way you look at it. BTW...isn't it true that starvation diets actually make you gain weight at first? Because your body senses that it's not getting fed so it starts storing everything as fat? I wish I weighed what she does, and I'm her height. But the thing is, I waited for a good man, and I feel like a beauty queen when I'm with him.
post #34 of 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy
Totally off topic but I thought I would let you know that you're actually UNDERWEIGHT. I'm 5'8 and my doctor says that I should be AT LEAST 160lbs
Depends on bone structure/genes I think.

Well, everyone else have given GREAT advice, there isn't much left to say. I just want to wish you the best of luck, however it turns out... lotsa (((((((HUGS))))))) to you, you're a great person to be so concerned about her even after what she's said to you and how she's made you feel.
post #35 of 58
Thread Starter 
Thanks everyone - the advice you have all given is just great.

John was really upset tonight when I came home and told him what happend. Especially after the emails she has sent me this morning and made me feel like a bad person for caring. The weird thing is that I don't ever bring up the situation, she's the one who brings it up, and I always tell her that she knows how I feel about it....sometimes I think she's just looking for the attention, only b/c she's not getting it from the boy she wants.

When she's with him, she's the happiest girl in the world, even though he's not good for her @ all!

But when he's with his friends, or neglects to call her, she's depressed, I don't wanna eat-never gonna find a man again-type girl. Not only is it stressful on her- but for me too!

I've been there for her time after time when he's ditched her, listened to her cry and even when he didn't call her on her birthday and called her an "Attention Fein", I took her out with a bunch of our friends to celebrate her birthday -she ended up having a few drinks and later told me that the only reason she went out with us and had a good time is b/c she got drunk and tried to not think about him. (Even tho she called him about 10 times that night & he didn't answer, she even went as far as to call his MOTHER to see where he was at) That hurt me, b/c I took it as her only trying to have a good time cuz of him, not because I took her out. I never got one thank you for that either.

I'm just starting to wonder where I stand with her. Am I a friend? Or just someone to fill the place when he's not around?

Thanks for letting me vent... you are all so great, seriously, a life saver!!
post #36 of 58
I hate to say it, but she is using you.

You have offered help and she doesn't want it.

I would distance yourself from her for a while and then see how things go further down the track. Once she sorts herself out, then you can rekindle the friendship.

But its not worth it if it is cauing you this much pain.

I know it sounds horrible, but you have to think of yourself first.

Good luck
post #37 of 58
I'm at a loss to tell you how to handle it. I know that people who think they're in love will destroy themselves sometimes over someone. She's probably doing those things to get him to like her more, but he won't. Hopefully it will be just a phase she goes through, and she'll get sick of the lifestyle and be done with him. I hope she realizes what a good friend she has in you!
post #38 of 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley

I'm just starting to wonder where I stand with her. Am I a friend? Or just someone to fill the place when he's not around?
Right there you have it, I'm afraid. She sounds like a spoiled little girl who must have attention focused on her. When he's not giving it to her, she forces you to do so. Part of it is her age, part of it is a personality flaw on her part. She thinks she is an adult, yet she's acting like a child. Nearly everybody gets their heart broken...most of us several times. She's behaving as if she is the first and only person to endure this pain.

The decision you have to make is how much you are willing to put up with. You have a great big, wide open heart. She knows this, and is using it to her advantage. She's projecting her insecurities on you (you are not overweight btw), and she will continue to do so as long as you let her. It's manipulative and abusive.

Ask yourself some questions: In your conversations, when was the last time she asked about you? When was the last time she made you feel good? When was the last time she listened to your advice without becoming defensive and nasty? When was the last time she called to hang out with you just because she enjoys your company, and not because she is on the outs with him? When was the last time you enjoyed talking to her, or hanging out with her.

Friendships come and go in life. There is no shame if you decide that it is time for this friendship to end.

You deserve to be treated better than that.
post #39 of 58
Been there, done it. All I can say, is she wont hear your advice till she is ready. It's not as easy to see how bad a situation is, when you're in it. If you want to be there for her, let her know that you're there. But unfortunately you can't do much to help her until she is ready to be helped!
post #40 of 58
Thread Starter 
Well, I got an email from her this morning pretty much stating that I "make her feel bad" and the boy that she is "in love with" makes her feel better than I do. So I told her that we shouldn't hang out as much anymore - and that if she can forgive him after he has hurt her SO much in the past (cheated and such), that maybe someday she can forgive me too?

She told me that she is figuring out who she is, and thats what life is about, and yes I agree - but that doesnt mean that you choose a guy who is obviously quite bad for you, over a friend who has helped you thru so much pain and sorrow over that same guy!

I just can't believe this is happening. Well, I kinda can. She doesn't have many friends, she loses friends really quick - I guess this is why!

I'm glad I have you guys
post #41 of 58
Wow. In a few years she is going to look back at herself when she was 18 and go oh my god and hang her head in shame (hopefully). I don't think there is much you can do. You have told her until you are blue in the face and she is not going to listen to you, and you are getting hurt in the meantime.
I know it's hard to let her get on with it when you see the path in front of her and she doesn't, but some people cannot and will not be helped. They have to figure it out on their own.
Don't give up on her all together because hopefully one day she will come to your door having seen the mistake she's made and ask for your forgiveness.
Until then, don't let her have this effect on you. Don't call or text her, just make excuses when she wants to see you, because like you said you are probably just filling in the gaps for when he's not there.
One thing I will say, having been in a relationship which ended badly, yet we carried on 'seeing' each other, this can feel very degrading, yet you like the person so much you delude yourself into thinking this means you will get back together so you keep going back for more. At some point you realise it is just sex and it is a very sad feeling.
post #42 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pombina
Wow. In a few years she is going to look back at herself when she was 18 and go oh my god and hang her head in shame (hopefully). I don't think there is much you can do. You have told her until you are blue in the face and she is not going to listen to you, and you are getting hurt in the meantime.
I know it's hard to let her get on with it when you see the path in front of her and she doesn't, but some people cannot and will not be helped. They have to figure it out on their own.
Don't give up on her all together because hopefully one day she will come to your door having seen the mistake she's made and ask for your forgiveness.
Until then, don't let her have this effect on you. Don't call or text her, just make excuses when she wants to see you, because like you said you are probably just filling in the gaps for when he's not there.
One thing I will say, having been in a relationship which ended badly, yet we carried on 'seeing' each other, this can feel very degrading, yet you like the person so much you delude yourself into thinking this means you will get back together so you keep going back for more. At some point you realise it is just sex and it is a very sad feeling.
Its just so hard to see someone that is/was so close to you go thru something like this.

I told her today that I'll always be here for her, but until then - I wont be contacting her until she wants to talk to me.

This sucks!
post #43 of 58
You've done the right thing though. You are miserable because of her and thats not fair. Just try and remind yourself that she isn't too concerned about hurting you, so why should you be...
Keep an eye on her if you can though, I hope she doesn't get too far out of her depth.
post #44 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pombina
You've done the right thing though. You are miserable because of her and thats not fair. Just try and remind yourself that she isn't too concerned about hurting you, so why should you be...
Keep an eye on her if you can though, I hope she doesn't get too far out of her depth.
I know - its like she doesn't care if she hurts me - but the moment I step out of my comfort zone and try to help her and I get kicked to the ground. I don't understand how a guy who gets you to do drugs, and claims to make her "feel good" is better than a friend who has been there thru thick and thin.

She told me today that he "understands her" cuz they come from the same type of family, (divorced parends, unloving family) and I just can't understand because my family loves me and we are all so close. That doesn't mean that I don't understand!!
post #45 of 58
It's definitely time to back off and give her time to come to her senses. As long as you make yourself available for her to take advantage of she will do it.

I once had a "friend" who really used me and I would end up in tears alone at home. I finally just pulled the plug on the relationship - yes it hurt me but she was the really big loser - she lost a really good friend.
post #46 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Yosemite
It's definitely time to back off and give her time to come to her senses. As long as you make yourself available for her to take advantage of she will do it.

I once had a "friend" who really used me and I would end up in tears alone at home. I finally just pulled the plug on the relationship - yes it hurt me but she was the really big loser - she lost a really good friend.
Thats what I've done now - I told her that I'm here if she wants to hang out - but I'm done helping her with that situation and she knows how I stand.

She does have a lot of growing up to do, I just hope she realizes soon what she's done.

The guy this is over, is wanting to move 2 hours away for schooling and she's been sad over that - I bet anything she'll move with him when he leaves - that'll end up with nothing good in the end.
post #47 of 58
Awww...that all stinks. But I think you did the right thing. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out.
post #48 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles
Awww...that all stinks. But I think you did the right thing. I wish you lived closer so we could hang out.
Me too

She saw John today and asked if he could get a hat and a sweatshirt that she had left here, and she said that she couldn't come over to the apartment cuz I had told her I was mad at her. Sometimes I wonder if she its 18, or 8 - cuz they both seem like the same age right now! I told her that I'm still here for her, but yet she's still turning things around on me.

Sometimes I wonder why and how people can turn around like this.
post #49 of 58
She's got to be completely insecure. Very immature. Time should help her. I know it's hard to watch someone do that to themselves.
post #50 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles
She's got to be completely insecure. Very immature. Time should help her. I know it's hard to watch someone do that to themselves.
It is really hard - I do have some really great friends (LIKE YOU ALL!) that are here, that know the whole story. John feels really bad about the whole thing - he's just blown away by the whole thing too.

I'm still ready for that TCS world wide tour!
post #51 of 58
Quote:
Originally Posted by babyharley
It is really hard - I do have some really great friends (LIKE YOU ALL!) that are here, that know the whole story. John feels really bad about the whole thing - he's just blown away by the whole thing too.

I'm still ready for that TCS world wide tour!
Oh my gosh... I don't know what I'd do if we had a huge meet up! We'd all have to be walking around with our SN's on our shirts for starters. I doubt I'd recognize most of us in person. That would just be the best!
post #52 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles
Oh my gosh... I don't know what I'd do if we had a huge meet up! We'd all have to be walking around with our SN's on our shirts for starters. I doubt I'd recognize most of us in person. That would just be the best!
I think it would be awesome - if I won the lottery, I'd get myself a plane and fly to each state to see everyone. I could handle getting away right now and seeing some mature people who actually care! Whats weird is that we've all never met, but you guys are so caring, and listen to me vent about all this - I you all!
post #53 of 58
It's like there is some odd connection between us on here. I don't think I've laughed and hurt so much with so many people. It just amazes me. I feel honored to laugh and hurt with people on here. And it feels good to know people laugh, hurt, and everything in between with me too. Sorry we've gone a bit off topic, but it just goes to show what a good friend you really are!
post #54 of 58
babyharley, you seem really smart and have your life together. This may sound harsh but long ago someone once told me that if you die with 5 close friends then you are a winner. It still rings true. Sometimes in life we have to say goodbye to a freind because in the end they won't be there. I have been known to fire all my friends in the past and move on. The best you can do is move on with your life, don't forget about her, pray for her. If she ever comes back you will be there. Just don't let her mistakes bring you down.
post #55 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by MoochNNoodles
It's like there is some odd connection between us on here. I don't think I've laughed and hurt so much with so many people. It just amazes me. I feel honored to laugh and hurt with people on here. And it feels good to know people laugh, hurt, and everything in between with me too. Sorry we've gone a bit off topic, but it just goes to show what a good friend you really are!
Oh its okay!

I'm just glad I have people to talk to, I know John doesn't always like to see me hurting and listen to "girly stuff"

I just hope this all passes - I haven't talked to her all day (besides the emails).

I hope she's making the right desisions, and not blaming me for what goes wrong.
post #56 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by KarmasMom
babyharley, you seem really smart and have your life together. This may sound harsh but long ago someone once told me that if you die with 5 close friends then you are a winner. It still rings true. Sometimes in life we have to say goodbye to a freind because in the end they won't be there. I have been known to fire all my friends in the past and move on. The best you can do is move on with your life, don't forget about her, pray for her. If she ever comes back you will be there. Just don't let her mistakes bring you down.
Thanks

I told her that I would never shut her out of my life - its just all so complicated and weird, I never thought in a million years this would happen, we were so close!

I have NEVER ditched a friend b/c of a guy - girl friends are there thru thick and thin (supposed to be anyways) and guys (like him) just are only the kind of person that wants her around when HE wants her.... I just don't understand her train of thought and how she can choose him after he's hurt her so much, instead of a friendship that has helped her get thru breakups and family problems. But then again - she says I just don't -understand-.
post #57 of 58
This might sound stupid, but I am going to say it anyways.

Tell her you want to sit down & talk. Sit her down somewhere quiet & private. Tell her that the e-mails she sent you hurt. Cry if you want to or have to. Tell her that you are so worried about her that you don't even know what to do anymore. Tell her you understand that she relaly wants this guy, but while she is waiting for him, her prefect man(who knows how to treat her) is waiting for her. Tell her that she isn't overweight. She is beautiful the way she is. In your eyes, no matter what she weighs, she is pretty. A man who really cares about her won't care what she weighs. He won't care about the color of her hair, he will love her for who she is.

I have gotten good at the pep talks. My big sis has been battling depression for years & she tells me I always make her feel good. The only thing you can do it tell her the exact truth. You aren't mad at her, but it frusterates you to see the things she is doing for a guy you don't think is good for her. You have to make her feel good about herself, then she might see through things.

Maybe you need to take the weekend to think about what you can say to her. If you need some kitty hugs, come to the HS tomorrow morning while you are home. I'll be there from 10am-2pm & there are some good huggers & one good "kisser" there. They always make me feel better.
post #58 of 58
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by white cat lover
This might sound stupid, but I am going to say it anyways.

Tell her you want to sit down & talk. Sit her down somewhere quiet & private. Tell her that the e-mails she sent you hurt. Cry if you want to or have to. Tell her that you are so worried about her that you don't even know what to do anymore. Tell her you understand that she relaly wants this guy, but while she is waiting for him, her prefect man(who knows how to treat her) is waiting for her. Tell her that she isn't overweight. She is beautiful the way she is. In your eyes, no matter what she weighs, she is pretty. A man who really cares about her won't care what she weighs. He won't care about the color of her hair, he will love her for who she is.

I have gotten good at the pep talks. My big sis has been battling depression for years & she tells me I always make her feel good. The only thing you can do it tell her the exact truth. You aren't mad at her, but it frusterates you to see the things she is doing for a guy you don't think is good for her. You have to make her feel good about herself, then she might see through things.

Maybe you need to take the weekend to think about what you can say to her. If you need some kitty hugs, come to the HS tomorrow morning while you are home. I'll be there from 10am-2pm & there are some good huggers & one good "kisser" there. They always make me feel better.
You know, I've tried and tried to "pep talk her" and tell her all those things, but she says that it does't matter, the only thing that matters is what HE thinks - I'm just so frusterated. I haven't talked to her since yesterday - she is just acting really immature and I think that its an eye opener on how "true" this whole friendship was in the first place.

Awww, I'd love to come to the HS tomorrow, if we were gonna be home! We're heading to Mankato to do some shopping!

I'm ready to get away and be with my family, thats for sure!
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