Friendship?

I need to vent, and I know that you all will help me out here...

My best friend - her name is Christina. We've been good friends for about a year now and she's a real bubbly person, happy person. She started dating this guy before Christmas and they got really serious too fast. He broke up with her cuz he just wasn't ready for a relationship at the moment. (They are both 18)

She has been depressed ever since then - telling me that she will NEVER find anyone again, blah blah - so now they started hanging out again and he has gotten her into drugs and drinking excessivley - which she was TOTALLY against when I first met her. I have tried to tell her that he's no good for her but she comes back saying she'll never find anyone else.

He's totally changed her - she has been depressed and says she's going to stop eating b/c he won't return her calls, but then she says she doesn't want a relationship with him?

What am I supposed to do? She's becoming a totally different person, and she's even acting totally different towards me! Like she's making me feel guilty for things that I have no control over!

I'm just lost at what I'm supposed to do, or even say!

She says she doesn't want to hear what I have to say cuz she wants to learn from her mistakes!

Somehow I feel like this friendship isn't as true as I thought it was

In my opinion, if a "friend" doesn't take your advice seriously, then how much of a friend can they really be? She'll probably find out the hard way that she's ruining her life, but maybe that's what it will take for her to realize that you're there to help and that she should have listened to you.


Would it be possible to get her to hang out with groups where there are other guys she might be interested in?

Originally Posted by DRIVEN

In my opinion, if a "friend" doesn't take your advice seriously, then how much of a friend can they really be? She'll probably find out the hard way that she's ruining her life, but maybe that's what it will take for her to realize that you're there to help and that she should have listened to you.


Would it be possible to get her to hang out with groups where there are other guys she might be interested in?

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Tried that - she is ony interested in him - she is 20lbs overweight and said that in order to lose the weight, she's gonna stop eating all together. She even told me that I should be considered overweight if she is! Ok, I am 5'7", 145lbs - she is only 5'5 and about the same weight I am - a little heavier. I am not classified as overweight - she just is like trying to make me feel guilty for her gaining the weight She said that if she loses the weight, then maybe he'll want her back - I don't understand

The real thing that gets me is the drugs - how she was SO agaisnt them, and now she smokes weed about once or twice a week or so.

She's also 18, which is a HUGELY turbulent time for everyone. I know so many people who got their first taste of the "bad" side of adulthood and completely went off the deep end. Only time will tell if she can bring herself back or if she's really gone. Personally, I'm also really uncomfortable being around people who make those choices, so I really don't blame you at all for wanting some distance.

I would suggest getting a trusted"adult" like a parent to talk to her ...

Originally Posted by lionessrampant

She's also 18, which is a HUGELY turbulent time for everyone. I know so many people who got their first taste of the "bad" side of adulthood and completely went off the deep end. Only time will tell if she can bring herself back or if she's really gone. Personally, I'm also really uncomfortable being around people who make those choices, so I really don't blame you at all for wanting some distance.

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I do want some distance - but I am like her only real close girl friend, but by being a friend I try to help her out, but she only makes me feel bad about myself! She's good at turning things around and putting them on me

This has got to stop, for her sake. She has become obsessed with him and is obviously going to try anything to get him. Life doesn't work like that I'm afraid. All she is doing is doing herself a damage and setting herself up for more hurt. Perhaps you can arrange for the two of you to go somewhere together AWAY from Him, and away form the area - maybe you ahve a relative you can stay with and just invite her up for a good time? She needs to see that there is more life beyond a man who doesn't want her.

If she's good at turning things around and blaming you, then you've got to ignore it. I know it's really really hard sweetie, but if she really is a good friend, she'll pull herself out of it and realise that you've stuck by her no matter what. IN the end she will have noone to blame for any mess, but herself... and that's hard to watch. I don't know what he's done to her to make her feel this way, or do the things she does, but whatever it is is just abysmal.

Originally Posted by sharky

I would suggest getting a trusted"adult" like a parent to talk to her ...

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She won't talk to her mom, and when her mom tries to talk to her, she degrates her mom and makes her feel like she doesn't know what she's talking about - its her life she says!

I don't want her to ruin her life, but what can I do if she wont listen? I know she wants to learn from her mistakes - but then she asks me what I think about the situations and I tell her and then she gets upset with me!

Originally Posted by babyharley

I do want some distance - but I am like her only real close girl friend, but by being a friend I try to help her out, but she only makes me feel bad about myself! She's good at turning things around and putting them on me

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That's not really a friend then is it?

Originally Posted by LilleKat

This has got to stop, for her sake. She has become obsessed with him and is obviously going to try anything to get him. Life doesn't work like that I'm afraid. All she is doing is doing herself a damage and setting herself up for more hurt. Perhaps you can arrange for the two of you to go somewhere together AWAY from Him, and away form the area - maybe you ahve a relative you can stay with and just invite her up for a good time? She needs to see that there is more life beyond a man who doesn't want her.

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Oh, I agree with you completely! Every other word that comes out of her mouth is his name, and something to deal with him - and I get really sick of it and get tired of hearing about it. The only thing is that one day he'll be interested in her, and the next he won't - they sleep together and that makes her feel good for a day or two, until he decides thats not what he wants. He pulls her around which in turn makes her do the things she does - just to get him back again.

Originally Posted by DRIVEN

That's not really a friend then is it?

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No - but I don't want to abandon her and leave her making even worse mistakes, not like she's gonna listen to me anyways.

There is just so much that I wish I could say but I don't have enough time for that!

I'm just glad you are all here to listen.

That's funny - I had a friend like that - but she always managed to get in with married men. never a single bloke. To be honest, I wasn't strong enough at the time to cope with it, and eventually I got fed up and told her that whatever happened was entirely her own fault - I'd warned her, and that was all i could do (at the itme, at least). I left her to get on with it and I haven't heard from her in years. All she did was sleep with a guy, get ditched, be used, get obsessed, get hurt.... and she never seemed to find her way out of it.

Originally Posted by LilleKat

That's funny - I had a friend like that - but she always managed to get in with married men. never a single bloke. To be honest, I wasn't strong enough at the time to cope with it, and eventually I got fed up and told her that whatever happened was entirely her own fault - I'd warned her, and that was all i could do (at the itme, at least). I left her to get on with it and I haven't heard from her in years. All she did was sleep with a guy, get ditched, be used, get obsessed, get hurt.... and she never seemed to find her way out of it.

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Thats sad

I've told her so many times that I've warned her about him, and he'll come back to hurt her - cuz they are SO young! And I told her the first time that they had hung out again after they broke up, and that I don't want to hear about it if he hurts her again, cuz I warned her!

She just doesn't understand

Originally Posted by babyharley

No - but I don't want to abandon her and leave her making even worse mistakes, not like she's gonna listen to me anyways.

There is just so much that I wish I could say but I don't have enough time for that!

I'm just glad you are all here to listen.

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Beat the crap out of her. That might work?

Seriously though, maybe just get some time away from her and let her do her own thing and maybe she'll realize her mistakes after some time.

A lot of women won't give up a guy who's bad for them, because a bad boyfriend is better than being alone. Sad but true.

18 is a tough age, for sure. She sounds confused, a little insecure and not totally sure of her identity.

Maybe a good compromise for you would be to back away from this person, but leave the door open to continuing the friendship. That way, you don't have to be part of her drama but she knows you'll still be there for her if and when she really needs you.

{hug}

Originally Posted by DRIVEN

Beat the crap out of her. That might work?

Seriously though, maybe just get some time away from her and let her do her own thing and maybe she'll realize her mistakes after some time.

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The only thing that sucks is that I only have a limited # of girl friends around here, and she's one of them. I just don't want to lose her friendship - I want her to be okay. But its like how I can I do that when she won't listen to me anyways?!

I really don't know what to tell you. Maybe write her a letter and explain what you are seeing. Tell her that you feel like she is going down the wrong path and don't want to be drug( no pun intended) down with her. If she can't change her ways then you will have to spereate from her. Its really hard to break up with friends!

Originally Posted by Phenomsmom

I really don't know what to tell you. Maybe write her a letter and explain what you are seeing. Tell her that you feel like she is going down the wrong path and don't want to be drug( no pun intended) down with her. If she can't change her ways then you will have to spereate from her. Its really hard to break up with friends!

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I did that...I told her everything that I feel and how I see things, and she told me that I was acting like HER MOTHER!

That when I stopped giving her adivce

Originally Posted by babyharley

I did that...I told her everything that I feel and how I see things, and she told me that I was acting like HER MOTHER!

That when I stopped giving her adivce

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Maybe that's what you should try. Just hang out with her and not give her advice. If she brings him up, change the subject or just let her rant about him. Maybe just hang out like you used to and try to act like he doesn't exist.

Originally Posted by DRIVEN

Maybe that's what you should try. Just hang out with her and not give her advice. If she brings him up, change the subject or just let her rant about him. Maybe just hang out like you used to and try to act like he doesn't exist.

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I did that too, and she sent me and email this morning asking why whenever she brings up smoking and him that I get all quiet and don't care?

DUH - CUZ I DON'T CARE!!

Then she told me that I was being snotty and rude.