The hardest thing I've ever had to do: The 'D' word

(sorry, this is reeeeally long, i just wanted to get it off my chest)

Me and my husband are getting divorced and I am so scared. Dont get me wrong, I am happy because it is much needed and way overdue. We are at each other's throats. The whole idea of re-starting my life, and what the future is going to be like scares me.

He is leaving to go on another TDY in a few hours actually, and we planned on taking care of everything when he got back, which means spring next year. However, I made the mistake of telling my mother something i have kept secret from everyone for the past 7 months.(I was originally going to wait till after we were already divorced... I was afraid my dad would go crazy). Chris has a temper, but he isnt violent just for the hell of it, he has to get really really mad. And everytime he leaves to go on a TDy, he comes back meaner than the last.

Well, this past December, he had just got back from one and we got in a fight. He was in my face yelling and i pushed him, he kicked one of my legs out from under me and pushed me into a wall. I hit the corner and busted the back of my head open. I had no idea. We kept fighting and I realized I was bleeding. After that of course he started being beyond nice. And i told him i have to go to the ER, he got pissed again and said I am going only to get him in trouble... hello, my brains were hanging out. So i drove my self 20some miles to the hospital.

I think they knew what happend, because my arms were scratched, bruised, and bloody, but i wasnt crying, I had on a happy face, told them he was at work and that i just tripped and they looked at me funny, didnt ask anymore questions and sewed me up. I decided right then, I was going to avoid him as much as possible, finish school and leave.

A few days ago, I told my mom all of that, I dont know how she coaxed it out of me. But i made her promise not to tell my dad, which she did anyway of course. So they called the next day and said I am coming home as soon as my summer class is over. My dad is driving out here and helping me load up my stuff and we are going back to Oklahoma. State law says we have to be separated for 6months before I can serve papers, so I will live there and finish school and work.

I cry all the time though, I am sick to my stomach all the time because I am so nervous about how he is going to react. I dont think he realizes how serious I am about leaving, and he doesnt know that I am leaving in less than a month. I know he is going to get pissed and I dont want to deal with that. And his family lives in the same town that my family does, so what do I do when i see them? What do I say? I can run everytime I see them. And worst of all, his little sister called last week and asked if we would be the Godparents of her baby. How am i supposed to say no. His parents were just out here and think we are in perfect love. He is sooo lovey-dovey when other people are around. It is going to be even harder to leave my life here. I have some of the best friends I have ever had in my life, and she doesnt even know what is going on yet(mostly because her husband is my husbands boss).

It took me forever to adjust to married life, now I have to unajust. I am worried about me and him. I do love the guy, but we cant stay married. Even if he wasnt violent, he is degrading and verbally abusive. There was a lot leading up to this besides just what i mentioned. I have scars and marks on my arms where he has dug his nails into me and pulled up chunks of skin.

Both of my parents have been divorced once before and are being soooo supportive. But there is only so much they can say and then I am sitting here thinking, 'yea, you have to say that cuz your my mom.'

Sorry this is sooo long. I dont mean to complain. Thanks for listening though.

Originally Posted by JaneMary

P.S- One question what is TDY, I might be missing something obvious, the only thing that comes to mind it tour of duty (army?)

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You're right... except he is air force.

Thank you so much. What you said means alot. I think it helps to have people backing you with something like this.

Meagan, you are a strong, brave woman, your entire post shows that. You are doing what needs to be done, something that takes some women years to do, and a lot don't.

Go back to your Mom and Dad, they sound like they will support you no matter what, you have Sara and Chloe, and all of us here

No matter what his family says, when it comes down to it, this is not their decision to make so please try not to worry about that~

I am always here for you whatever you need ok

Originally Posted by mferr84

Well, this past December, he had just got back from one and we got in a fight. He was in my face yelling and i pushed him, he kicked one of my legs out from under me and pushed me into a wall. I hit the corner and busted the back of my head open. I had no idea. We kept fighting and I realized I was bleeding. After that of course he started being beyond nice. And i told him i have to go to the ER, he got pissed again and said I am going only to get him in trouble... hello, my brains were hanging out. So i drove my self 20some miles to the hospital.

Even if he wasnt violent, he is degrading and verbally abusive. There was a lot leading up to this besides just what i mentioned. I have scars and marks on my arms where he has dug his nails into me and pulled up chunks of skin.

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What do you mean "he wasn't violent"? It's about time you made the right decision Meagan.

You are right, it is the hardest thing, but you are being brave and logical and rational, as far as you can be, and you know when something isn't working. I have been there, and it was extra hard because of our daughter. But things will work out, even though it will not all be smooth sailing. You have to be prepared to lose some friends - whatever people know or suspect. they will take sides, not always yours, and that can be very hard too. But you will make new friends, and hopefully one day find happiness in a new relationship. It is strange - there is always a catalyst which suddenly speeds things up and what you told your mom may just be it in this case. Very best of luck, stay strong.

Originally Posted by mferr84

You're right... except he is air force.

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It was always my assumption that the military was tough on servicemen who are wife beaters. Is his commanding officer aware of his behavior?

Meagan, I know you have been thinking about this for a while, and I think it's a good idea to leave, and ASAP. Do you have friends you could stay with... who will allow cats?

It's important to your safety that you get out sooner than later, or his temper could possibly escalate beyond what it has. I would hate to see anything happen to you. I'm glad to hear you have a planned course of action though. It indicates you are very serious about leaving him, and I only hope that you don't go back.

You're so young, my dear! You have your life ahead of you, and I have absolutely no doubt that you can find someone who will treat you with the respect and honour you are worthy of.

Perhaps you could PM Amy (ugaimes). She deals specifically with abuse victims in the military who are in your situation. I imagine she wouldn't mind supporting you in any way she could.

Good luck and keep us posted.

Jenn

Your well out of a relationship like that.

Just make sure you have the kitts out safely incase he takes out his frustration on them as well

If he or his family hassle you, you can have some papers served on them to keep away from you so i wouldn't worry on that score.

Like Jenn has said pm Amy because she'll be able to help you more on this

I know I am new here, but I have to tell you that you are making the right decision. It's never easy to get out of a relationship, and in your case I understand why it's hard, but you seem strong and you can do it. Your parents will be there for you which is awsome.
I have been in a relationship that was similar, where my boyfriend slapped me, which is nowhere near as serious as what happened to you having to go to the hospital and all, but he did that twice to me, I didn't give him the chance to do it a third time or do something more violent. It was hard, because I loved him, and kept thinking that he would change, but my parents were there for me, were really supportive.
My mother once told me "it's always better to have a good divorce than a bad marriage".
I would get out of this relationship as soon as possible. You will feel sad at first but you will be much happier in the future.

I agree with everything everyone else has already told you. You are definitely making the right decision to leave. You need to be good and true to yourself. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

Oh Meagan, you're such a strong and smart girl! We're all here for you, you know!! I'm sorry you've had to go through the things you've had to go through. You really are making the right decision and I wish you all the best. I think you know that we're all on your side! You can PM me, too if you need to talk. I know it has to be hard---hang in there, girl!!

Divorce is one of the hardest things to do. When my first husband and I split, I cried a lot, even though it was the right thing to do.

I'm sorry this marriage did not work out for you, but his level of abuse is intolerable. You do not need to worry about his family, just take care of yourself for now. You will be surprised how good you will feel later, once his verbal and physical abuse is over.

You are very brave to get out now.

Meagan,
I am sorry that you are going through this, but am happy to hear that you have a plan to get out. You are very lucky that your parents are willing and able to come and get you to bring you home.

You mentioned that your husband was leaving on a TDY in a few hours, did I understand correctly that he will not return until spring? If he is coming back before your parents get there, you need to have a plan to keep yourself safe. My main concern for you is that you remove yourself from the situation, so he can't hurt you anymore. If you are in base housing, you can call the MP's, to come remove him if he assaults you again or the civilian police if not in housing on base. To hell with his career...he should have thought of that before laying hands on you.

Some of the others mentioned speaking to Amy, that is good advice please seek her out. Check your pm's...

Originally Posted by Deb25

It was always my assumption that the military was tough on servicemen who are wife beaters. Is his commanding officer aware of his behavior?

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yes, Deb, the military IS tough on wifebeaters, when they know about it - in many cases it's a career-ender. Which is why some women won't report it for fear of losing their only source of income.
Meagan, you did say that your friend's husband is your husband's boss, so I can understand (being a former military spouse myself) why you are hesitant to tell her about his actions. But she is still your friend, and she should still be there to support you thru the divorce, whether you're here or there. Tell her only as much as you're comfortable with, but don't just give up on that friendship. My best friend is a women I met while our (ex-)spouses were in the military together, and even though we've been separated by many miles, we're still like sisters.
Dear, I do wish you the best. You are so incredibly strong to walk away before things get much worse. My ex was emotionally abusive and never raised a hand to me, because he knew for me that was a deal-breaker. You are so blessed to have the unconditional support of both your parents; rest in that assurance and know that they will help you thru this very difficult time. and to you and the kits. You will survive and thrive. PM me if you wanna talk.

Meagan -

Everything Amy says makes perfect sense, and as she said, it is her job. Please take her advice and suggestions. I think at this point we are all worried about your safety. Also - as everyone else has said - NONE of this is your fault