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I predicted this...

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
I've known for a really long time that one of the reasons that Adrian and I aren't together is because he still has feelings for his ex-girlfriend... He admitted to me that he still loves her but he swore that he didn't want to be with her anymore... Knowing him as well as I do, I didn't believe that... and last night only proved it to me... Let me back track to a few weeks ago... She asked him to send her a letter telling her how he felt about her... so, he did... he told her that he still had a desire for her... He still loved her... etc... well, she wrote him back and told him that he couldn't possibly still love her because he didn't truly know her... she is a different person from the girl that he fell in love with.... She admitted that she was young, immature and naive when they started dating and she agreed that she still is but she's different now... She also told him that she had gotten over him a long time ago, that she was with her current boyfriend now and he is the only one in her heart... He wouldn't admit it to me but I know that it hurt him and he still tried to make excuses for her... He said that people she trusted were telling her things about him and she didnt believe him when he told her the truth... I told her that if she truly loved and trusted him, nothing they would say would change her mind about him...

Anyway, a week went by and she apparently broke up with her boyfriend... No sooner did she break up with him she was trying to hang out with Adrian... Wanting so badly to have her be a part of his life, he jumped at the opportunity.. again not admitting it to me... Well, I figured it out for myself that they hung out this Thursday... That night he called me and told me that he wished I had been with him that day because he had a really bad day... I asked what happened and he told me that he met his ex in the city, they went for lunch and he ended up walking out on her... I asked if it was Melissa and he lied and said it was a different ex-girlfriend but I know that it was her... He just wouldn't admit to me that Melissa had hurt him so badly... He didn't want me to know that I had been right about her all along... Well, she told him that he would always be alone, he would never have anything solid or anything to cherish because he was too cold-hearted and distant... That hurt him because he's beginning to feel that way about himself... He feels like he's emotionless and dead inside and she took the one insecurity he has and crushed him with it... I explained to him that anyone who would say that to him, clearly doesnt know him, as I do... and doesnt deserve to be in his life...

Anyway... I spoke to my friend, Susan, wednesday night before he hung out with her and I told her that Melissa was young, immature and naive and all she was trying to do is manipulate him because she has the power over him to hurt him and she's a hurtful person... I told her that I guaranteed that this girl was going to pull him in and then crush him, again... and I predicted that the second she did he would run to me and look to me to be the one to pick up the pieces of his heart for him... Well, little did I know, that would happen a lot sooner than I had anticipated...

Last night, we were talking online and he said he was sleepy and he was gonna go lay down... I told him that if he couldnt sleep, I'd still be there... He put up his away message and layed down.... about 20 minutes later I noticed him take his away message off, then put it back, then take it off again... he kept doing that for a few mins so finally I said "what are you doin? LoL" and he started babbling about how he hates her and she turned her back on him, etc. I called him and he explained to me that she had come online and told him that he didn't mean anything to her and her boyfriend was the most important person to her and she didn't want any communication with him anymore because her boyfriend was uncomfortable with it... So, I told him that she didn't deserve him in the first place and she doesnt deserve him as a friend because she doesn't realize how wonderful and special he is... He just kept saying "F" her... I dont care... Never again will I let anyone get that close to me again... I dont want to be with anyone... I'm thru... I spent hours with him on the phone, listening to him cry and trying to make him understand that I know how he feels and I've been there and that time will heal the pain he feels...

I just feel so terrible for him because I know how it feels to love someone with everything you have, to give your heart, mind, body, and soul to someone and have them not love you the same way in return... I know how that feels because that is how I feel about him... and it's tearing me apart to hear him say that love is a joke when I know that I love him more than anything in the world and I would and have given everything to share my love with him... He was finally starting to realize that the way he feels about love wasn't right and she just set him back further than he was before... and she's made my job, of trying to make him realize how precious his love is, that much harder... I just pray that the pain he feels fades quickly...

I you, Adrian...
post #2 of 25
My ONLY advise to you is RUN! Let time heal YOUR heart! He may not get back with her BUT he WILL hurt YOUR heart in the meantime.

I was dating a wonderful man, many years ago with the exact same problem. He would go to visit his children and she made sure she was there at the time, and finally that he saw her with her "new Beau". He would come crying back to me again and again. I tried my best but finally he broke it off with me saying he HAD to try one more time.

This was a vERY nice man and never lied to me and always treated me so wonderfully but he was so much in love with a woman who LOVED having him in love with her but did NOT want him. I have no idea where he is now but i am certain it is not wtih her and he for sure is not with me.

I hurt for a long time over this and you will too - unless you RUN AWAY FAST! Good luck!
post #3 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Malakai711
I just feel so terrible for him because I know how it feels to love someone with everything you have, to give your heart, mind, body, and soul to someone and have them not love you the same way in return... I know how that feels because that is how I feel about him...
That part really got to me...

It's a sad situation, for both of you...but my best advice is that you distance yourself from the situation. Sounds like a lot of immaturity to me (between him and his ex) and they are bringing you down with them in their whole game.

It sounds as if there is a likely potential that you will be the one hurting soon, though, if you stick around with all this going on.
post #4 of 25
Welcome to Life, put distance between you and this guy. Find something else to occupy your head and stop obsessing over him. Ignore him completely and see what happens.
post #5 of 25
Run! Run away and don't look back!

How dare someone treat your feelings with such lack of respect?!

I know it hurts now, but being a doormat until you just can't take it any more will be worse. Please don't wake up one morning and realize several years of your life have been effectively wasted because you are so giving and he is so selfish. You deserve someone that will put as much effort in to making you happy as this guy is to making you miserable. It will take some strength on your part, trying to fall out of love is never easy. Why waste your energy on trying to be there for him when you could be directing it toward healing yourself? All this is much easier said than done, but many of us here have done it, and will be happy to help you through it. Hang in there, sweetie. One day it won't hurt any more.
post #6 of 25
Just read your post again. You may love him with all your heart, but he is just using you and wanting someone else. I hope you have the strength to do what you know needs to be done.

On the plus side, someday you will be with someone who loves you as you love him back, and you will see how sweet it can be. Every moment of every day of my life is not rosy, but no matter what happens, my dh adores me with all his heart. And I love him more than I have ever loved anyone. It makes life a lot easier.
post #7 of 25
I think what bothers me the most is that this fellow knows how you feel, that you love him, and he would say such things to you? that he's giving up on love etc? He must know how much this would hurt you. I'm sorry, I would never say don't love someone, but that doesn't mean this person is the right one for you. I think he has hurt you horribly this week, and did so without any concern for you, your heart/your feelings - only wrapped up in his own pain and angst. If he's that damaged, you have to decide if you really want to spend your life showing him he's loveable, when he may just finally believe you and then walk away to love someone else.
post #8 of 25
If your cat kept walking on the stove, coming close to burning his feet and causing you massive vet bills, would you just stand there and let him? Probably not. This is a similar situation, except it will be *you* getting burned, not your cat.
So don't just stand there and let him walk all over you... throw a metaphorical bucket of cold water on him and find someone who is worth your time, not someone who is gonna screw you over in the end.
post #9 of 25
I'm really sorry you're going through such a rough time.

This is a really sticky situation for you and Adrian. Have you told him how you feel about all this? Maybe if you did, he would be more toward you. I know you've been through alot with him. I wish you two were together.

Through your words I see how much you love him. I wish you didn't have to go through this.

If memory serves me right, I believe you have told him you love him. Has he ever felt the same way?

I hope everything turns out. to you and Adrian.


(((((VIBES))))
post #10 of 25
I agree with what everyone else has said. I know it will be hard. but you need to take time for you and heal for you. He is useing you, and hes going to need to do his healing, on his own...for him to see you for what you are, the wonderfull person you are.
post #11 of 25
I agree with everyone else - run! I know it will be painful and hard, but you deserve someone who feels as passionately about you, and only you, as you do about him, not someone who's still not over his ex - and the sooner you get away from this guy, the sooner you will find someone who will return your love in the way that you deserve. I'm sorry you have to go through this.
post #12 of 25
I've been unfortunate to get stuck in a love triangle like that (and ended up being the one left behind). I know how complicated those situations can be. You're the only one who truly knows what is going on and you have to decide for yourself what is the best thing to do.

It's obvious that you truly love your ex. Your attitude towards him seems very caring and selfless. The fact that you love him like that does not mean that you necessarily want to be in a relationship with him. There are many different kinds of love.

If you feel like you have to get away from him to better take care of yourself, go ahead. It doesn't have to be forever or to be defenitive. Unless you want it to.
When my boyfriend (now ex) fell in love with someone else, I obviously had to get some distance, get over the pain and take care of myself. I kept in contact with my ex, which sometimes helped and sometimes made it worst. Now the pain is (mostly) gone and me and my ex and his new girlfriend are still good friends. But that was only possible because we were all mature and truly cared about each other.

Once again, you have to be the judge of the situation and decide on whether or not you should back off. Helping your ex through a difficult time is a very noble thing to do. Just make sure the pain it causes you isn't too much to handle, and that your ex actually benefits from your help.
post #13 of 25
Thread Starter 
Alright... I get it.. everyone thinks that I should run... but what you're all failing to realize here is that Adrian and I have been best friends since day one... I didn't start to have feelings for him until months and months later... But the most important thing to the both of us is our friendship... As Jenny said... We've been thru a lot together and anyone here who knows me knows that... Adrian has never used me for anything... He's been very clear since day one that he wasnt interested in being in a relationship with anyone including me... and that was way before I ever had feelings for him... I dont know what the future has in store for either one of us but I would never turn my back on him... I would never abandon him like everyone else in his life... that would only reaffirm to him that every time he loves someone, they leave him... and, I may sound stupid but I love him enough that I would deal with the pain of not having him as anything more than my friend if it meant that he would eventually start to see that not everyone who he cares about is going to leave him... I told him a long time ago that I would never hurt him, I would never leave him and I meant it.... we both made a promise to each other that we would always be a part of the others lives because we truly care for one another and it was sincere... You guys, I'm sorry if I dont seem totally receptive to everyone telling me to run away from him... I just know him and our relationship a lot better than everyone else does and to me running away would be the cowards way out... it would make me no better than her! and the point I've been trying to make to him is that I AM better than her... and, deep down, he knows that....
post #14 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Malakai711
Alright... I get it.. everyone thinks that I should run... but what you're all failing to realize here is that Adrian and I have been best friends since day one... ....
He may have started out to be your friend, but he's not acting like one now. Perhaps down the road he can be one again, but for now he is abusing the friendship. I know it's tough to lose someone we have invested so much of our heart and soul into, but you need to end this now, in the same way you stop a wound from bleeding. As one New Yorker to another, you can do it!
post #15 of 25
Quote:
Adrian has never used me for anything... He's been very clear since day one that he wasnt interested in being in a relationship with anyone including me... and that was way before I ever had feelings for him
I do not want to seem harsh. But, he is useing you, He is useing you because he knows you will be there. and he knows your feelings are more than friendship, so he knows you arent going to take a step back, and you will give him the "ego petting" he needs. I am sorry to sound harsh but its true. I have been here, and done that.

You said yourself, just now he said he did not want to be in a relationship with anyone..evidently he lied. Because in your own story at the start of the post, hes been trying to get back in one relationship form or another, with his Ex....
post #16 of 25
Liza,

I have to agree with the others. The thing you don't see is that all of these 'promises' between you and Adrian mean so much to you because you are in love with him. And whether or not you really are willing to hear this, the reason you hang there in the wings being a loyal friend is because you are hoping against hope that one of these days he will turn to you and tell you that you're the one. You set him up perfectly to use you. He gets all the emotional validation he could ever want, and then some, while at the same time he doesn't have to call you his girlfriend and is free to pursue whomever he chooses. He's got a pretty sweet deal in all of this. In other words, you have given him a reason to never take this relationship to the next level. You say that Adrian means so much to you that you are ok with this arrangement, but in the meantime, you invest so much in him, both time-wise and emotionally, that you don't give yourself a chance to be out there and meeting someone who will reciprocate your feelings. Go back and read your initial post in this thread. You mention him lying to you more than once. That's the hallmark of a do-anything-for-you, we-have-a-special-relationship friend?
post #17 of 25
Well, I don't think we have any right to tell you what to do. You know the situation best and you are the only judge of what is the right thing to do.

When I broke up with my boyfriend, I made a new friend and told him everything that had happened. It was such a relief to be able to talk to someone about the difficult situation. But no matter what I told him, he could not understand why I was still talking to my ex. He kept asking me why I was doing this to myself. He just felt sorry for me because he thought that I just hadn't given up on him and I was just torturing myself. It was really frustrating and I stopped seeing that friend because of it.
Now months later that "friend" is long gone and my ex is still my best friend.

What I'm trying to say (prehaps in a clumsy way) is that I do not think you are wrong for deciding to support your ex. You are being a true friend to him.
I cannot say for sure if it will turn out best for you, but it is your decision and whatever happens I'm sure you can turn to this forum for support.
post #18 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Deb25
Liza,

I have to agree with the others. The thing you don't see is that all of these 'promises' between you and Adrian mean so much to you because you are in love with him. And whether or not you really are willing to hear this, the reason you hang there in the wings being a loyal friend is because you are hoping against hope that one of these days he will turn to you and tell you that you're the one. You set him up perfectly to use you. He gets all the emotional validation he could ever want, and then some, while at the same time he doesn't have to call you his girlfriend and is free to pursue whomever he chooses. He's got a pretty sweet deal in all of this. In other words, you have given him a reason to never take this relationship to the next level. You say that Adrian means so much to you that you are ok with this arrangement, but in the meantime, you invest so much in him, both time-wise and emotionally, that you don't give yourself a chance to be out there and meeting someone who will reciprocate your feelings. Go back and read your initial post in this thread. You mention him lying to you more than once. That's the hallmark of a do-anything-for-you, we-have-a-special-relationship friend?
I have to agree with Deb, and the others. There's one thing I'd like to ask you, as I've been following your posts about Adrian, but generally refraining from commenting. What are you getting out of this relationship, other than a chance to be in his presence, and a lot of heartache?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malakai711
it would make me no better than her! and the point I've been trying to make to him is that I AM better than her... and, deep down, he knows that....
....so you're hoping that that will eventually cause him to fall in love with you. The problem is that love isn't logical or practical. You can't "make" somebody fall in love.
post #19 of 25
Well said Jcat & Deb25.
post #20 of 25
I understand you guys are best friends, and you can't leave him. I just think that maybe you need to talk to him about it.

Besides letting him understand you feelings, you do need time for youself. This doesn't mean you ever need to leave him. Let him know you are there for him when he needs you, but try to take your mind off this tough time. I just don't want to see you hurt.
post #21 of 25
Thread Starter 
Ok, first.. marie... adrian's not my ex-boyfriend.. he's my best friend... we've been friends for a year, which seems like a lifetime considering how much we've been thru together, and I've had feelings for him for the last 6 months...

What everyone needs to really understand about this situation and in answer to jcat's question, what I have gotten out of my friendship with Adrian is just that, the most honest, loyal and trustworthy friend I have... I have gained a confidant... Adrian and I have spent almost every day for almost a year together and in that time we have had more fun than I've ever had with any of my other friends... He's been more caring and concerned about me than even my best friend of 12 years who, when I got kicked out of my house, took off on me and hasnt spoken to me since... Everyone wants to harp on how hurtful he is.. yet, this is the person who took me in when I was homeless and had no where else to go...

He's always been honest with me about his intentions with me... He's never told me that he wanted to be in a relationship with me, or anyone else for that matter... and as far as him and Melissa... he made it perfectly clear to her, too that he wasnt interested in a relationship with her but that he wanted to be her friend... After the last couple of nights of talking to him I realized that the pain he's feeling is something much deeper than a desire to be with her... he actually doesnt want to be with her.. he is just hurt that he gave himself to her and she didn't regard what he gave, his virginity, as precious.... Adrian is actually a lot more like a girl, LoL... he's not the typical guy at all... He's been crying to me the last few nights because he feels like trash that he gave her his virginity and she left him... He's regretting it... much like I did when I broke up with my ex... it took me a while to stop feeling the way that he does right now.... in time he will understand that he is still just as precious without his virginity as he was with it...

maybe that will make everyone understand a little more what's going on.... I can't expect everyone to truly understand our relationship because as well as I know Adrian there are still things that I learn about him every day...
post #22 of 25
Well, you certainly know the whole situation better than any outsider. But it still sounds like it might be a good time for both of you to go back to being friends, instead of boyfriend and girlfriend. That relationship can last a lifetime. And it may help both of you see if the dating thing was a mistake. You sound like a very caring person, I hope this works out for you!
post #23 of 25
I could be wrong here (not a first) but I seem to recall you posting once that your family, or maybe it was your friends or both, disliked Adrian because of his race. I get the impression that if you break up with him, you might be barraged with "See I told you so" which of course would be wrong, because it has NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE! Even if the sames friends and family don't mention his race, you will know that is what they are thinking. so maybe that is why you are hesitant to let him go.

You wrote an essay length post about how he has hurt you. Maybe you are not ready to let go yet. If you do let him go, just hold your head up high to those friends and relatives, don't let their feelings get in the way of YOUR best interest..to hell with THEIR thoughts it not their life

If I have it all wrong about you mentioning his race and your family, tell me and I will gladly delete this post.
post #24 of 25
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom of Franz
I could be wrong here (not a first) but I seem to recall you posting once that your family, or maybe it was your friends or both, disliked Adrian because of his race. I get the impression that if you break up with him, you might be barraged with "See I told you so" which of course would be wrong, because it has NOTHING TO DO WITH RACE! Even if the sames friends and family don't mention his race, you will know that is what they are thinking. so maybe that is why you are hesitant to let him go.

You wrote an essay length post about how he has hurt you. Maybe you are not ready to let go yet. If you do let him go, just hold your head up high to those friends and relatives, don't let their feelings get in the way of YOUR best interest..to hell with THEIR thoughts it not their life

If I have it all wrong about you mentioning his race and your family, tell me and I will gladly delete this post.


Actually, you are right... My friends and family all have a problem with Adrian because of his race... In fact, the reason that I left my father's house and no longer speak to him or his family is because he threw me out because Adrian is Cuban and my father is a racist, old-fashioned Italian who believes that everyone should stick to their own culture... My father, like everyone else, is under the false impression that Adrian and I are dating... which we are not and have never been... Adrian and I have never been boyfriend and girlfriend... I think the reason that everyone assumes that we are is because we tend to act like we are... we have been attached at the hip for so long that everyone, including our own friends think that we are together... but we're not...

So, you were right about the race thing... However, the reason that I am not running away from Adrian has nothing to do with what my friends or family might say or think... In fact, the reason that I am friends with Adrian in the first place is because I refused to allow any of them to dictate to me who I can and can not be friends with... The reason that I'm not running away from Adrian is because he NEVER intended to hurt me.... He warned me a loooong time ago that he wasnt interested in a relationship and he was focused on other things... My mother told me the other day that I did with him what she did with her ex-boyfriend.... They both made it known that they weren't interested in a relationship and we thought that our love for them would make them change their mind... So, I'm just as much at fault for the pain that I'm going thru as Adrian is... because I told him from day one that I could handle being his friend and having feelings for him.. that I could handle being his friend and being intimate with him and it turns out that I wasn't as able to handle it as I thought I was...

and someone mentioned that he had lied to me and I wanted to clear something up about that... Adrian's never lied to me about anything regarding me and him... he's never lied to me about anything truly important... what I said was, he wont admit to me that he's allowing Melissa to hurt him because 1. he expected more of her and 2. he's ashamed that he allowed it for so long... and, I don't fault him for that because there are things that I have done that I am ashamed of and have not told him because some things are better left unsaid... and when it all comes down to it... Adrian has confided in me about things that he should never have confided in anyone but he trusted me enough to know that I would never repeat any of them... We've bonded on certain childhood experiences that we have in common that we've never told anyone... That is the reason we are such good friends... we can safely confide in each other and trust that whatever we say to the other will stay between us... and considering the problems that I have had with friends in the past, I cherish a friend who I can trust the way that I trust him...
post #25 of 25
oh, sweetie, I am so sorry for what you are going through. But I have a confession to make: I'm in a relationship very similar to yours, but I'm "Adrian." I'm the emotionally unavailable one, and I don't even know why but I know I do use him, very badly, even though I know it's wrong.
My "friend" would love so dearly for there to be more than friendship between us (and yes, on occasion there has been, much to my chagrin) but we have never dated, because I KNOW for a fact he is NOT the person I am to spend the rest of my life with. Yet he continues to profess his undying love, and tell me that if I ever change my mind, and he has been a wonderful, fantastic friend to me, there for me even before I knew I needed a friend. I have known him for two years, and he has proclaimed his love for me from very early in our relationship. Even though I have repeatedly told him we could never be a couple, and told him the many reasons why, he continues to be available to me, and when I am very lonely, even though I know it will only hurt us both, I turn to him.
How does this make me feel? To be honest, it makes ME feel like crap. I basically stomp all over his feelings because each time I look to him for friendship, it gets his hopes up that something more might develop. But since I know it will not be, I cannot make myself fall in love with him, I feel incredibly guilty and frustrated that I cannot make him understand that he MUST move on, not necessarily find someone else, but try not to fixate on me. I get this same frustration reading your posts, dear one, because you use all the same rationalizations that he does for why you continue to cling to hope. I guess the reason I tell you this is that I believe for your sake, AND for Adrian's, you must be strong and move on. YOU, like my friend, DESERVE who will appreciate and reciprocate your feelings as deeply.
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