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Things are so bad...

post #1 of 27
Thread Starter 
I could never have imagined this in an entire lifetime of my worst nightmares. I feel so lost and very alone. I'm supposed to move in July to Copenhagen to be with my partner - as all of you will know by now. Over the last few months, my relationship with my son has deteriorated.... it's been coming for years, but the last few months it all seems to have gone downhill so quickly. I can't keep up with him any more and the only way I know how to react to him is to tell him off for something. I can't bear for him to hug me and playing with him is so hard. I've tried so hard to push away the resentment I feel - every time I look at my son all I can see is the man who hurt me. I've tried so hard. I've given it everything I've got to try and get rid of this feeling... I've spoken with a doctor and I'm STILL waiting to see a psychiatrist... but now I've tried so hard for so long... I've got nothing left in me to work on repairing the damage. This is tearing me up in a way I coudln't even begin to explain. I've asked his father to take him for a while... and that could even become a permanent thing. I hate to do it, but Alex deserves better than I'm giving him and I don't want to screw him up by keeping on as I am. I love this child so much... but I don't understand why I can't seem to show it. I feel like I'm being torn is every which direction. I had my ex on the phone giving me abuse about now I was manipulative, devious, underhanded.... and I was lousy mother and how he could do so much better than I.... and even went so far as to say "no wonder Alex tries to escape form the house and the garden with a psychotic mother like you." My ex's girlfriend was horrified and she gave him what-for... but he cut me so deep and the damage was already done. I want so much to turn tail and run away and just get as far form this situation as I can, but I have to stay and be brave for my son. I don't want to lose him, but by the same token, I don't want to keep him here when he's not getting the affection he craves and needs. I've tried so hard... so hard... and I can't do it any more. But what mother runs out her children? I'm so lost and I'm so hurt. I'm ashamed and devastated that I can't feel what I'd like to be able to, that I can't seem to make it better. I feel like a coward and a failure. I've let so many people down, the most important one being the little boy I love. I might not be around for a while... if I am, it won't be for long afternoons of posting. I'm trying my best to make things right again - my mother moved in with me three weeks ago to see if she could help and so far we've only really succeeded in giving eachother the cold.

I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm so used to being so much stronger than this... please can I ask you just to pray that Alex gets the best... whatever the outcome is?
post #2 of 27
aww emma, i was laying in bed when you pmed me before
You know that what ever the outcome is, i will support you.
I hope alex will get the best of the outcome.
You need some time away from them to let your self heal, but of ofcourse it is a long process. You have to be positive right at this time, i know what its like to feel being torn appart and feeling lost because i feel like that right now too.

I hope the others have some better answers
post #3 of 27
Emma, I am so sorry you are having to deal with all this.
You know that we are all here for you whenever you need us and for whatever reason.
I hope things get better for you! I am thinking of you and sending all the healing vibes I can!
post #4 of 27
Emma, I'm so sorry that things are rough for you now. I really don't know what to say except I hope things get better for both you and Alex.

PM me, anytime if you want to talk.
post #5 of 27
Emma i honestly don't think your ready to leave the country just yet?!

It certainly sounds like you need more help where your son is concerned because for me you'll be in a worse state if your ex takes your son on and you live miles away?!.

I know Copenhagen isn't that far but it's not round the corner either should (God forbid) something goes wrong?!.

Whats things like with Alex when your not at loggerheads with your ex?
post #6 of 27
HI. I am so sorry for what is going on in your life. I don't think you should be moving anywhere until you resolve your feelings and doubts of being a good mother you have. I don't think sending your son to your abusers house is a good idea, is there another relative he can stay with? You are a very good mother to be so concerned for your son. How old is your son? Can it be a teenage thing? My Son is a pain in the butt, and some times I really feel like just leaving but that is not the solution. Has these feelings for your son always been present? Or is it just now? I don't want to pry but, how was your mom with you? Could this behavior be passed on from her? I wish I could type more, but I need to get ready to leave. Please feel free to ask for any help and remember you are not alone in parenthood problems. Cat.
post #7 of 27
Emma...
Right now, you and your son need attention and love. If he will get the love and attention he needs right now from his father, and as long as he is safe there, then maybe that is what is best for now. That will give you some time to start seeking some help as to why you feel this way towards Alex. It is obvious that you so very much want to be there for Alex and love him the way he deserves to be loved. Keep this desire and I know a change will come You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers
post #8 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by ugaimes
Emma...
Right now, you and your son need attention and love. If he will get the love and attention he needs right now from his father, and as long as he is safe there, then maybe that is what is best for now. That will give you some time to start seeking some help as to why you feel this way towards Alex. It is obvious that you so very much want to be there for Alex and love him the way he deserves to be loved. Keep this desire and I know a change will come You and your son are in my thoughts and prayers

Emma, I have to agree with what Amy has said......as long as you know he's safe with his father, you need to find out what is causing all of these feelings. Don't give up on yourself or your son....your both worth fighting for!!
post #9 of 27
post #10 of 27
Thread Starter 
See, well this is the thing. My ex was abusive to me and only me... yet never once has he even raised his voice to Alex, excepting of course when he's needed to be told off for something. He apparently bends over backwards for him, though I'm always the last to know about these things - and Alex never wants to come home to me. I've even been told by Alex himself that he's scared of me.
post #11 of 27
Emma - I wouldn't put too much store about the fact that Alex says things like that. He is only little and it always seems so much nicer when little ones visit an absent parent.

That parent usually makes a special effort and the days normally go swimmingly - which is as it should be. But it doesn't make it any easier for the parent who the child lives with the rest of the time - the parent that has to be responsible for the tellings off and keeping them on the right tracks. It's little wonder that the child often thinks things are better with the other parent.

Although I'm sure, from what you say, that you have issues you need to resolve with regard to your relationship with Alex; I don't think that issue is necessarily something that has been caused by you, but by the situation you both find yourself in.
post #12 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat
See, well this is the thing. My ex was abusive to me and only me... yet never once has he even raised his voice to Alex, excepting of course when he's needed to be told off for something. He apparently bends over backwards for him, though I'm always the last to know about these things - and Alex never wants to come home to me. I've even been told by Alex himself that he's scared of me.
How old is Alex? Will a little break possibly help? Maybe he can stay w/ your ex for a short time while you try and sort out your feelings. Are you on any medication? Finding the right antidepressant is a trial & error thing, so IF YOU ARE, maybe it needs to be changed. Sorry you are going through all this. You and Alex are in my prayers.
post #13 of 27
Dear Emma, what can I say you... just can I send my thougths to you... I think that I not the indicate person to give you an Advice about your situation, but just can I share my ears to listen to you......my best wishes for you...

(Tonight I´ll make a special prayer for you......)
post #14 of 27
i have a daughter who is almost 9, she lived with her dad until she was 7 and then came to live with me, it was great for the first month and then everything went downhill...i feel what you do as much as i love her, i see in her the man who ripped my life apart...i've had 2 other kids since and feel guilty that the love i feel for them is so much stronger than what i've ever felt for her...i've tried for so many years to bond with her but her dad had already planted his ideals in her head, and she hates me...her dad spoils her rotten and lets her make the rules, she has no discipline at all, and when she came to live with me, i'm rather strict, kids will be kids, but they have to be taught respect, and responsibility, and those are the 2 things she refuses to learn...2 weeks ago i got so fed up with her telling me she hated me all the time and causing non-stop chaos that i sent her back to live with her dad...she hasn't called me since, and when i call her to see how she is she says "what do you want" i think as women our kids have the ability to hurt us more deeply than anyone else...we are only people and we do what we can...no matter what we feel inside...we can change the hurt we've had, we can only try and do what's best for them...even if it hurts us...but at the same time, you have to think of yourself...you can't let it kill you! i got so depressed after my 3rd child was born that i had to be put on medication, and it's actually helped me a lot...i take Lexapro, seems to be the best anti-depressant on the market right now, lowest side-effects and such, admitting that i needed them was the hard part for me, i hate taking pills of any kind, i do everything herbally, but the herbs quit working and i had no other choice, now i'm glad for the pills, it's helped me cope with things and it's helped me not be so angry...i feel your pain
post #15 of 27
Emma Beth has made some good points there!.

Theres a girl i work with who has two young teenage sons, and from the age of 6 has basically brought them up on her own. Her ex partner would only see them now and again, but the boys worshipped the ground he walked on and Andrea couldn't understand why?, when she was there for them 24/7, nursing them when they were ill, giving them pocket money, taking them on holiday.

It got to the point where she took her anger out on the boys because they never got excited over anything with her as they did with their part time dad and wondered "who's the fool here?".

But the thing is over the years she realised that the boys were playing one off against the other!.

Worth thinking about?!
post #16 of 27
I'm so sorry to hear of the anguish you are experiencing. It sounds like there is a ton of hurt and guilt swarming around in your heart right now.
Yes, you are hurting. This is quite apparent. You also should try to keep in mind that your son is most likely hurting, also. Perhaps as much as you and maybe more. I know that you are doing the very best you can, and please don't think I'm trying to judge you or be insensitive. I'm not. My goal here is just to maybe help you to see a different perspective.
It sounds like your son is fairly young (under 10 y/o?) and doesn't spend an enormous amount of time with his father. Granted I don't know the whole story, but I think the basics are that you and his father had a nasty split that you are still hurting over. That's okay, you will need time to heal from it. And him being so rude and hurtful to you certainly isn't helping, right? But keep this in mind- there is a young boy caught in the middle of this. Some people tend to assume that children aren't interested in the adult world and don't pay much attention to it. The truth is, they are paying attention to a lot more than we give them credit for. I have a 6 year old stepson, and I have learned some very valuable lessons over the last 2 years. His mother hates me with a passion and is a master at manipulation (or she seems to think so. i see right through her). She doesn't hesitate for a second to use him to her advantage. She doesn't give a second thought to trashing his father or me right in front of him because she doesn't think he's listening. Guess what honey, he is, and he comes to ME and asks me why she says the things she does.
I'm sorry, I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but my point is that he's listening. I know you're hurting, and that's your right, to hurt and to heal. But there are some things that he doesn't need exposure to, and that is that side of the adult world. These things hurt him, too. I will never forget my husband telling me about how my stepson was sitting in his mother's car while his parents were fighting (over him), and he started crying and screamed "if you don't stop fighting over me, I'm not going to live with either of you!". They take it in, and most of the time they don't know what to do with it.
Your boy needs your love. He needs your affection, understanding, and attention. If sending him to live with his father for a period of time is what it takes for you to take the time for yourself to heal, then I say do it. Listen to your heart. You will know what is right. My personal opinion is that you should delay your plans to move out of country until your relationship with your son is stronger. I know you want to flee, it always seems like the easiest thing to do. But listen to your maternal instincts. He is your son, your life. Learn to look past the man who hurt you and into the eyes and soul of your child. You CAN do it. It may take time and more pain, but you can fix your broken heart and you will be better, stronger, and happier for it.
Please remember, we are here to help you, support you, and love you. We are a gigantic shoulder to lean on when times get tough. Use it! We care about you! Listen to your heart, and you will find the path. If you don't mind me saying, pray. Listen to the answers, and go with it. It will be hard, but it's not always easy doing the right thing.
Okay, I'm off my soap box. Please do keep in touch! You and your son are in my prayers....
post #17 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by rosiemac
But the thing is over the years she realised that the boys were playing one off against the other!.

Worth thinking about?!
My stepson is doing stuff like that all the time!! They are children and often see things in one dimension. Try to not take it personally, but to see that they are just trying to work you to get their way with something!
post #18 of 27
Oh dear Emma, this is such heartbreaking news. I am so sorry you are experiencing this pain. If you think it would be best, let Alex stay with Dad for a while. You continue to call and check on him, and let him know that you love him sooo much and he is the light of your life, your just going through a tough time right now. I am not saying that your feelings are ok about Alex, but I am pretty sure they are normal. Alex is half you and half your ex, no wonder you see his father and your pain in him. Get the help you need from a therapist. Restructure your life and priorities, relationships and etc.. But do not completely remove yourself from your son's life. No matter what he says, he loves you and needs you. But, please do seek professional advice, therapists usually know how to best handle these kinds of things. You have all my good luck wishes and prayers! If you ever need anything, we are all here for you.
post #19 of 27
I don't know your whole story, but what a brave person you are to openly admit how you feel about this dear child and how his father hurt you.

My first instinct when I read this was to send him to live with his dad. His dad's girlfriend sounds as though she has a bit of a level head anyway. You need time to heal and that doesn't mean you are abandoning your child in my eyes.

I always think of the old adage that you can't love someone else until you love yourself. Well I also think you can't take care of someone else until you are able to take care of yourself. You realize you need help and you are getting it. That is such a positive thing. Perhaps you DO need to move to be with your partner. That may bring a calming influence into your life and help you heal faster and better. Your partner will provide you with the good feeling of self-worth that obviously your ex failed to provide. When you are healed you will be a better parent and your son will reap more benefits from that and appreciate you more - maybe not today but down the road.

Just my opinion.
post #20 of 27
I'm not sure at all about what is going on, so forgive me, but do you have trouble showing affection? The last line about your Mum made me wonder..don't worry, I'm not giving you a hard time, my family & I are the same way. We are like a bunch of robots around each other. I think because of that I chose to not have children, but for some reason I am good with animals. I didn't hear my Mom tell me she loved me till I was about 18 years old. We're not "huggy, kissy" people, & I envy those who are, because oftentimes I may be interpreted as stand-offish, or something like that. I'm not, only shy & awkward. But that is how I was raised. Sometimes that's how it is, & it tears you up inside. You're not wrong with wanting to send Alex to see his Dad, maybe it'll give you some breathing room to think about what's best..Good Luck, & please don't feel bad about yourself.
post #21 of 27
Emma, I'm so sorry to read you are going through such a tough time.
Though I guess I don't know the full story I have to agree with all of wonderful post already written. Has there been any consuling going on?...maybe that could be helpful to you and your son.

Sending lots of good vibes to you.
post #22 of 27
Emma, you are so young (not a bad thing) and you have been hurt more than most people in a lifetime. I would like to say that I think I would be feeling the same as you are.

I can not give you any advice other than to say, Alex is your son and you know best. You really do whether you want to believe it or not. Ignore your Ex's stupid comments. He is trying to hurt you in anyway he can.

Please PM me, I have something else I would like to talk to you about but only if you want to. In the meantime I am here for you
post #23 of 27
Emma, sounds like you are very overwhelmed. Initially the idea of Alex going to live with his dad sounds like an option, until I learned he abused you. The chances of him abusing Alex eventually are great. And the chances of him teaching Alex to be abusive towards women is extremely great.

Alex is NOT his Dad! Through your choice to procreate with the wrong person, Alex has some features from his Dad. I know, I have 2 kids from my ex, and I hate to see his features in them. But he deserves a non-abusive parent to raise him!

Call the psychiatrist's office, ask for a sooner appt, let them know you feel you are in a crisis. You said Alex says you hurt him, is it just kidtalk, or have you lost your temper and acted abusively? Does he need to he a therapist, too?

I'm in Illinios, and we have something called SASS at the psych clinic where I work. The SASS workers go into troubled homes with the goal of working things out for the benefit of the child. Is there something like that near you?

My oldest, now 22, is the spitting image of her Dad in so many ways. And she was the most difficult child. I finally gave in and let her go live with him in 10th grade, when it seemed like I couldn't control her behavior. My life got more peaceful, but he was neglectful of her needs. She didn't get a drivers liscence til she was 20! (After she came back to me.) He never showed her any affection, made her feel like an unwelcome guest in his home. And she was the apple of his eye as a little girl. Sometimes the other parent isn't a good option.
post #24 of 27
Thread Starter 
I just wanted to say thankyou to you all. I'm thinking a little bit more rationally now - though I'm still really off-balance. All these problems have been coming for years and it's only now that my pride and stubborness has buckled enough for me to admit that things aren't right. I feel better just to be able to share something so painful with special people like you - people who don't judge me for anything other than who I am. It's so easy to sit here on the other end of a modem connection and pretend like everything's fine, when you type, no-one can see the tears or the hurt. I really appreciate what all of you have said to me - all of it is something for me to think on. (As if I have a choice as to what I think about these days). And for those of you who have even PM'd me to let me know they're thinking of me, that's meant more to me than I could say. I don't feel quite so alone. Thankyou.
post #25 of 27
Emma,

I don't know you and I don't know your situation, but I do have 4 kids and I went thru an abusive marriage and had to make some really HARD decisions a few years ago. A lot of counseling and time for healing and everyone is great now.

But what I wanted to say...the first step to healing the situation is admitting there is a problem...and you have done that. Which means, you have taken steps to be on the right track....it will be a long road filled with a lot of pain...but the trip is worth it...hang in there...and good for you for being able to see some of the issues in yourself and otehrs....and I hope everything works out.
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by LilleKat
I could never have imagined this in an entire lifetime of my worst nightmares. I feel so lost and very alone. I'm supposed to move in July to Copenhagen to be with my partner - as all of you will know by now. Over the last few months, my relationship with my son has deteriorated.... it's been coming for years, but the last few months it all seems to have gone downhill so quickly. I can't keep up with him any more and the only way I know how to react to him is to tell him off for something. I can't bear for him to hug me and playing with him is so hard. I've tried so hard to push away the resentment I feel - every time I look at my son all I can see is the man who hurt me. I've tried so hard. I've given it everything I've got to try and get rid of this feeling... I've spoken with a doctor and I'm STILL waiting to see a psychiatrist... but now I've tried so hard for so long... I've got nothing left in me to work on repairing the damage. This is tearing me up in a way I coudln't even begin to explain. I've asked his father to take him for a while... and that could even become a permanent thing. I hate to do it, but Alex deserves better than I'm giving him and I don't want to screw him up by keeping on as I am. I love this child so much... but I don't understand why I can't seem to show it. I feel like I'm being torn is every which direction. I had my ex on the phone giving me abuse about now I was manipulative, devious, underhanded.... and I was lousy mother and how he could do so much better than I.... and even went so far as to say "no wonder Alex tries to escape form the house and the garden with a psychotic mother like you." My ex's girlfriend was horrified and she gave him what-for... but he cut me so deep and the damage was already done. I want so much to turn tail and run away and just get as far form this situation as I can, but I have to stay and be brave for my son. I don't want to lose him, but by the same token, I don't want to keep him here when he's not getting the affection he craves and needs. I've tried so hard... so hard... and I can't do it any more. But what mother runs out her children? I'm so lost and I'm so hurt. I'm ashamed and devastated that I can't feel what I'd like to be able to, that I can't seem to make it better. I feel like a coward and a failure. I've let so many people down, the most important one being the little boy I love. I might not be around for a while... if I am, it won't be for long afternoons of posting. I'm trying my best to make things right again - my mother moved in with me three weeks ago to see if she could help and so far we've only really succeeded in giving eachother the cold.

I'm utterly heartbroken. I'm so used to being so much stronger than this... please can I ask you just to pray that Alex gets the best... whatever the outcome is?
I want to tell you how sorry I am that you feel so lost right now. But I think the thing that you have to work on is separating your son from your ex. He cant choose his family, and hes an innocent party in whats going on.
I dont think its a good idea to let him go with your ex. You may never see him again, and you need to realize that everything your ex said to you on the phone was his way of keeping some sort of control over you. You are not psychotic. You are mentally and emotionally devestated. I think you need to get yourself into counseling. Is there anyone that your son could stay with? Maybe you have a sister? I dont know the whole situation, but I think your son is better off with you, regardless of your issues then he would ever be with a father that thinks its acceptable to verbally abuse and punish the mother of his child. I hope that you can find a resolution you can live with.
Keep us posted, and ya'll will be in my prayers.
post #27 of 27
Hang in there, Emma. We are here for you!
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