I don't want to think this

Hey Everyone..

There has been these really upsetting thoughts roaming through my head ever since my Ani got sick. I hate thinking this, and it makes me cry every time I do, but I just have to say it.
I am feeling as if I caused Ani to get sick by taking in a new kitten. I have not wanted to admit this out loud, or even to myself, but it's just killing me inside . I know I will never know for sure why my Ani got so terribly sick, but this thought is haunting me. I love Skylar very much, and this has nothing to do with my love for him. It just has to do with the fact that a new baby was brought in and, possibly, caused Ani such intense stress, that it made her so sick
I really had to let this out somewhere, and I know this would be the most appropriate place. These thoughts are so, incredibly, upsetting. It's to the point that I am getting physically sick over it. I am at work right now, and I just can't feel okay. The only solution for me is to come to terms with all of this, but it's just so hard. That's all I can really say right now.. I really appreciate having somewhere to say this..

Lauren, please don't think this. You can never know for sure why Ani got as sick as she did. It could just have easily been the stress of losing her beloved brother Trent, which wasn't so long ago. Or it could have been something else entirely. The point is, you can't know. Please try not to make yourself sick over it. Ani knows that you loved and still love her dearly. That's what matters.

Darlin', Stefanie is right, it's not your fault. Most likely, Ani was grieving over the loss of her brother, and the stress of that left her wide open for sickness, just like it does for humans. Please know that we're all praying for you, and if you need to talk, just PM me for a chat, or give me a time to sign in my AIM and I'll listen as long as you need me, ok?

You really have to try not to worry. Poor Ani is sick, and she needs you to be strong... all the time that you are making yourself ill over it, it's likely that she'll be picking up on it too. I know it's easier said than done, but it's something that has to be said at some point. Are you absolutely certain than Ani's illness is stress related? Chances are that taking in little Skylar has not a thing to do with Ani getting sick. Yes, it's possible that she'll havebeen a bit stressed... but surely not enough to get ill. Stress can cause all sorts of mishaps, but I doubt it would be the cause of something that is obviously pretty intense - judging from your post. I suppose all you can really do is get her checked out at the vet... if you've already done that, do it again. I'm certain that Skylar being adopted hasn't caused Ani to get sick. I'd be more inclined to agree with the others on this one - cats grieve too. Grief and stress tend to run down the immune system a bit - just as for people - and will leave her open to all sorts of illnesses. Just try not to fret too much... the more you fret, the worse the situation will seem and the worse Ani will get. Keep your chin up and you'll be surprised at how just that simple thing can make a difference. You can always come here

Thank you for responding so quickly Stefanie. I am having such difficulty with this. When Ani first got sick, this thought did enter my mind, but it was just so awful that I didn't want to admit it.. Not to anyone, not to myself. This is the first time I have "said" anything about it, and it really is eating me up inside. I know I will never really know, but my head keeps returning to this thought. I am having a hard time not blaming myself... Maybe it will just take some time.. I don't know..

Awww Laruen... don't beat yourself up over this. You gave dear Ani all the love a momma could and you took care of her up until the end. I think you did an amazing job taking care of a sick kitty. Just remember how little Skylar played with Ani. You have memories of him with her... Your collage that you made of the kits is amazing. Remember them that way.

Thank you all for offering such comforting thoughts to me. I should have mentioned this in the beginning, but I didn't realize that not everyone here knew of Ani's death She died on December 21st.. That is why it is killing me so much.. I will never know, so I just need to try and get that thought out of my head. I just miss her so much and I am so confused. I knew the reason Trent passed. I lost him to Sarcoma I never found why my Ani was so incredibly sick.. I lost her, and it's just the worst thing to feel..

Awwww it's so totally not your fault. Didn't the vet say it was a genetic condition that both of your angel babies had? I know you did all that was humanly possible for your babies. I know we all feel guilty when we lose one of beloved furbabies. I think it's a natural reaction that goes along with the grief.

I had the same feeling for a while after we lost our Lucy. She went into convulsions and died within about 2 minutes...it happened so fast. I felt kinda like it was my fault because I started keeping her inside the week before. She had been able to go outside her whole life but I decided that it was time to start keeping the kitties indoors because there was just too many reckless drivers speeding down our street.

again

Wasn't the one of the reasons you got Sky was to be a companion for Ani? Because she had always had Trent and you wanted her not to be lonely? You made the best decisioons for her that you could with the information you had. You can't know how everything would happen. The stress of losing Trent was probably way more than the stress of gaining Sky. And you have said that she was starting to be interested in Sky. With both of them dying at the same fairly young age, you have to suspect a congenital reason. You did the right thing in getting Sky, both for yourself and for Ani. If these thoughts continue to bother you please discuss them with your friend who is a resource for you. If that doesn't help a short course of an antidepressant can help. Talk to your doctor if you need to. Sometimes severe stress such as you have been through causes actual chemical changes in the brain, and you need a course of antidepressants to get them back on course. The chemical changes can lead to these obsessive thoughts. Becky

Dear Diane and Becky, Thank you.. Yes, I did hope that Skylar would be good for Ani. I know I may just be obsessing. I agree with what you said, and it's true, I do suffer from depression. I am sure it's just getting the best of me right now.

Lauren,

I moved your thread as it doesn't really belong in the Lounge. What you are feeling, experiencing and thinking, is a very real part of the grief system. I hesitate to call it the steps of grief, because it is never defined as to when or which emotion will hit you or where you will be when it does. It's not like a scheduled event, but there is a process that the body goes into in order to deal and in order to protect you from all the emotions all at once.

You will never know why exactly you lost two cats so suddenly, your mind will speculate and play tricks on you. If it is affecting your everyday life, then my suggestion is to seek a grief counselor. There are many excellent ones available over the internet, and probably even locally in your area.

My website still under construction, might also help you deal with what is going on right now- here is the address-

Ending Pain

You will find the answers you need to start healing quite soon. But right now your mind is trying to buffer your heart against the intense pain and loss.It is called a survival tactic-

Lauren, I'm sorry you feel this way and have to go through that too. It is so easy to say don't or you shouldn't feel this way but is it ever hard to do. I wish there is anything I can say or do to help you but I know there really isn't. You will be in my thoughts tho dear Lauren.

Lauren,

I feel very strongly that Ani did not get sick because of Skylar. I think it was some strange biological problem or illness and if you try to find the root cause of it you are going to drive yourself crazy.

I have been beating myself up about my cat Penelope getting pyothorax (she's been on antibiotics for 10 weeks now). I have conjectured that she contracted the disease because she swallowed part of a toy I left around, because I didn't cat-safe the house well enough, because she ate a piece of grass I dragged in on my shoes, etc., etc. When I ran these possibilties by the vet specialist, she told me that we will probably never found out why it happened to her. I think you need to come to the same conclusion with Ani.

You can't look at this like you would a human medical scenario. Feline medicine is just not as advanced as human medicine and there are many more mysteries there. This is because
a. only in the past 20 years have people been willing to pay for more expensive and complicated surgeries for their cats (hence, funding more vet research and vet specialization) and
b. cats instinctively "hide" their illnesses and don't communicate their problems with us very well.

You were an EXCELLENT mother to Ani and provided her with so much love. I know she is eternally grateful to you for giving her that love and care. I also believe she and Trent are peaceful and happy angels because of you.

I know that I should be talking with a counselor about all this, but I have to say that all of you have really said some very comforting things. This was an extremely hard thing to post and I did hesistate for a little while about it. I do agree that speaking with a grief counselor is necessary. It was necessary when I lost my Trent, but I just was too afraid. As scared as I was to say this to anyone, I am grateful that I have been able to write it here. You have all said things that I need to hear. Thank you so much for listening to me..

Oh Lauren........ I just can send you a big hug

You can call your local hospital to ask if they can refer you to a grief counselor. Ask for the oncology department or the psych department. That is how I found one when I needed one. Hugs, Becky

Dear Lauren, all I can say to you is that you were NOT responsible for your Ani's sickness. It hurts so badly to lose them no matter what the reason. I know I still cry for Butch every week, sometimes more sometimes less. He has been gone 4 months now but sometimes it seems like yesterday. This is the unfortunate part of having animal companions, or any companions for that matter. Every one has to die sometime, and when our precious ones have to leave us for whatever reason, it scars our hearts. All I can say is that I believe that both of them are waiting at the bridge to be reunited with you someday, just as I believe that my precious Butch and my other precious animal companions that I have had over the years are waiting to be reunited with me, along with my human loved ones. I will continue to pray for you, that God will give you peace about Ani and Trent, that they still love you and are waiting for you, safe and happy. Hugs..

Hey...

Not making light of anything, but I am relieved that it wasn't your new baby...

I wouldn't believe for a second that you could have caused your girl to go downhill. I can understand why you could feel that way... I moved Mystyc into my mom's house the weekend that her beautiful baby boy kitty Tigger (He was 1 month older then her, just a year old, she'd had him 6 months)vanished. It was the weekend we got married. We found him... about 3 or so weeks later, maybe a little longer. I smelled something. Found him not too far from the house, between two cars. Right there within sight of where my mom stood and looked out for him. Broke my heart.

Dear Lauren,
I have been quietly reading and following your grief. You are having a hard, hard time and I feel for you very, very deeply. Please let me share something with you, and then I will hug you big time. When SiSi disappeared, my guilt consumed me. I was barely able to function. I almost got in a head-on collision driving, because I was crying so hard from guilt, lack of sleep, more guilt, more grief, and an overwhelming sense of loss that crippled every part of my body. You see, SiSi (and her only kitten Sasha) were a gift from God after my husband got killed in an auto accident on our front lawn. I clung to SiSi for 11 years. She was the light of my life. She made me love again and she loved Eric. But she did not want to move from our house of 10 years (where she came to me with Sasha) and live in Maple Valley, but we needed to get out of the city. 6 weeks later she was gone. I bled my heart to death over her. I could not deal with the grief, because I honestly thought that she thought I had chosen Eric over her, and didn't love her enough to stay where we were. It was an awful time, and I can remember it like was yesterday. Then, Charlie and Char across the street gave me beloved Freddie, just a kitten of 12 weeks, to ease the pain of SiSi's loss and the depression Sasha was under. Freddie was a gift that brought us all together. But he didn't last and was taken a few months later by FeLV so very young. I cursed God, I swear I did. I was put right back into my dark hole and cried myself to sleep every night. I was a walking ghost of love taken away, that's how bad I felt. I felt I was being cursed for not searchng for SiSi fast enough, for loving Eric and moving to a new house when she didn't want to, and I felt that Freddie's death was a punishment to me of sorts, and it was difficult to put into words. My entire soul wilted. I could not cope very well.

I shared most of my grief on TCS as I was new in those days and wasn't aware of the magnitude of support and wisdom this family had to offer me then. And underline wisdom. A very caring and gentle spirit on the site from a different hemisphere told me quite plainly and directly in a way that just seemed to make sense one day, that there is a natural order of the world: What is given is not finite, it can be taken away but it goes in peace and love. Without this there is no rebirth.

I will leave that single thought with you because I am crying here tonight because I feel your grief as if my own and I do know what it's like to lose two in under 5 months. I am here for you and you can PM me any time or with any need on this topic. But the words of advice spoken are good ones and we are all sisters and brothers in nature, my sweet Lauren.

Love always,
Elizabeth and
(Freddie RIP 11/09/03, SiSi never forgotten 5/18/03).