Am I wrong?

Just a thought here. Could it be that he expects you to do all of the things you do because that's just the way he's used to it? Did his mother work outside of the home?

I know I'm not saying this right...let me try again. If he grew up in a household where Dad worked long hours and Mom always took care of his every need and never complained (at least not in his earshot), he may just expect the same from his own wife. But what he doesn't understand is that his mother didn't also have a job (from home in your case, but that doesn't make it any less time consuming) and she didn't attend college while taking care of the house and kids and household finances. I would bet money (if my theory is correct) that when you have brought it up in the past he has pretty much belittled the amount of work you do, even if it's in jest. That's not necessarily because he doesn't think you do anything, just that he doesn't truly understand everything that you DO have to do. It really is too bad that you can't have him go through a full typical day with you to show him everything you do...

(I have this annoying habit of trying to understand the "whys" behind the issue, and trying to see where the other person is coming from to try to find a compromise solution. I hope I'm not overstepping here...)

Just to chime in here... I can understand wanting to feel appreciated, wanting a little help around the house and with you working long hours you have a right to ask for those things. That being said, he works long hours too... so he might be just as exhausted as you and therefore not thinking about how tired you are.

Another point... while we can sit here and tell you you're right, is it going to change anything? By telling him stuff, is it really going to help? I think someone's suggestion of offering options might help him stop thinking you nag him... other than that, I'm not sure what else to say. Sorry...

Originally Posted by Sweets

A few of you missed the fact that she works 14 HOURS A DAY TOO She's just as tired as he is.

I agree with giving him choices. OK hunny, you can make the pb&j sandwich or you can run to the bank. You can move the pieces of fencing away from the house, or you can find a new exterminator because we are going to loose the warranty for this one. Ok sweetie, you can start treating me like I'm an EQUAL partner in this marraige, or you can start doing EVERYTHING yourself!

It took a warning from me to my SO that I wanted to hear more appreciation or he'll start finding things undone to get what I needed to hear. I didn't place blame. I didn't nag. I didn't threaten. I just stopped doing some of the things he expected me to do...like making the home made meals.

Sandy

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I am with Sweets here - Catherine works all day long as well, taking care of their son, working the books, taking care of the home. That is no easy feat. Jake works but he is really good with helping out at home. He cleans up without being told to - even the litter pans!

I feel that some people here are belittling Catherine, when she wanted a place to vent and to ask if she is wrong, which I dont think she is. It doesnt seem that she is being treated like an equal partner in the marriage - it feels like that he is treating her like a maid, expecting everything to get done at home by her - he lives in the house too and so he should do his fair share.

My dad is really good around the home, he works nights but that does not stop him, he comes home from work and gets the housework done, sends the kids off to school and then goes to sleep when all is quiet.

So just because he works 14 hours a day doesnt mean he should come home and do nothing.

Good point, Heidi.

I hope that this isn't too intrusive, but I have an idea for you - perhaps it would help to make a journal - to log what you do each day (every thing you do to help the house & business run, including your school, which will help your futures, and time spent with your child, picking up, everything) & how much time it takes you to do it, over the course of a week or so. Also, try to make a list of the things you know he does every day, including his work and commute, and make a third list of things that need to be done but that you can't do, or would need help with to complete. Then try to schedule a time for you both to talk (in a simple, factual, non-confrontational way) about these things. Let him know that you want your marriage to be a partnership, and that you'd like his help deciding how best to run your household as a team.

Hopefully seeing your list will help him to understand exactly how busy you are, too, so he could understand what you really do every day, and so you can work together as a team to decide what to do about the things that remain undone, or the things that are overwhelming you. Hopefully he can volunteer to take on some of the undone chores, or perhaps you can both reprioritize - maybe you could lower your standards on some things, cut out some of the nonessential chores, or cut back a little on both of your schedules? Make sure you both schedule in a little time every day just to be together & appreciate each other - it makes life worth living, and if the toilet cleaning has to wait or you have to eat Hamburger Helper instead of made-from-scratch, so be it.

Also, perhaps you could write out something about your feelings, how you want to be appreciated and need to know that you're loved - in a non-accusatory way, just stating what you need, and give it to him to read?

Some men just don't deal well with emotional appeals, so a fact-based approach might be more helpful in getting results with help around the house, while you broach the subject of your emotional needs separately.

Hopefully these things would help him to understand what you're going through, and help him to realize you both need to approach running the household as a team - that's what marriage is for. If he belittles you or it doesn't seem to have any effect, it might be a good idea to schedule in a visit to a marriage counselor. It sounds like you're under an awful lot of strain & need your hubby to see it.

Taking an evening out when you go to your sister's sounds like an excellent idea. You really need some time together where you're not talking about something for the house, the business or attending to the needs of your son. You need to feel appreciated and I understand that. As you say that you're not really lovey-dovey, he may feel that this is what you're comfortable with and just need it explaining that you need a bit more. Of course, he may need a bit more too and you have to be prepared for that.

Sometimes people just need the tables turned on them, by showing an example, for them to understand the effect.

I think what others have said about prioritising and cutting down on non-essential tasks is crucial also. Now my hubby is at home all day, he says he can't believe how many non-essential tasks he does. When we were both out at work the place was clean and basically tidy but not fussed over constantly. Now he reckons he "over-cleans" and I think he's probably right.
I really hope you work it out. Good luck.

Originally Posted by Kiwideus

I am with Sweets here - Catherine works all day long as well, taking care of their son, working the books, taking care of the home. That is no easy feat. Jake works but he is really good with helping out at home. He cleans up without being told to - even the litter pans!

I feel that some people here are belittling Catherine, when she wanted a place to vent and to ask if she is wrong, which I dont think she is. It doesnt seem that she is being treated like an equal partner in the marriage - it feels like that he is treating her like a maid, expecting everything to get done at home by her - he lives in the house too and so he should do his fair share.

My dad is really good around the home, he works nights but that does not stop him, he comes home from work and gets the housework done, sends the kids off to school and then goes to sleep when all is quiet.

So just because he works 14 hours a day doesnt mean he should come home and do nothing.

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Well said Kellye!

I know how tireing it is for you.
When my bf had to work from 3 am till 12 noon he used to come home and clonk to bed and ask me to cook stuff for him.
I manage the bills, the money because he just spends it all. as soon as he gets it.

Since my mother has been to hospital i have taken the responsability of the house hold.
Cooking, cleaning, feeding. Im on holidays at the moment from school. But i am packing evreything to move house.

My dad doesnt appreciate anything i do. He makes me feel as if he hates me. he has never supported me and he really supports my cousin for some unknown reason.
He isnt even going to support me money wise from now on and now i have to take on an extra stress that i have to work to maintain my self, study, visiting my mother in a hospital that will be 100 km away from me, finishing my driving school, and looking after my babies. PLus cooking, ironing, washing for me and the bf and maintaining the bills. While he will work.

My boyfriend didnt appreciate the little things i used to do before but he does now, he always says thank you ands says little sweet comments.
Although sometimes he does complain about things like shutting the window or going to the kitchen. Right now he sees how much stress i am under and how emotional i am and he is very willing to cook for me. I dont even have to ask just as he is on the way to the kitchen or toilet he will ask if i want something to eat.


But since you know the job he does
How about switching for a week to see how its like? He is at home and you are on the truck (i am presuming that you can drive one).
Or just simply tell him straight foward that you would like to be appreciated with little thank yous and be more loving?

I know with a child it is very stressy and especially with everything on top you have to do.

How about once a week you rent a movie and watch it together?
or maybe once a week have a candel lit dinner.
I know when i come up with some nice ideas my bf appreciates it and will be very nice and sweet.
I am only telling you this ebcause he is under stress too and i am thikning that you are both stressed out at the moment and need to go on a decent holiday!! Even if money is tight. Just go to the beach for a day??

14 hours a day is a lot, is that voluntary? DH does that. Sometimes I feel like it's an excuse. When we were moving I finally threw out all my old Victoria magazines. It hurt because I was throwing away a childhood dream. I always wanted a house like the ones they show in Victoria, but I can't have that with DH. He has a dirty job and that means the house needs to be as practicle as possible. He bitched at me for not having thrown out the magazines before and I explained that I had finally realized that that childhood dream was gone because I'd rather be married to him than have that type of house and he said that my dream was stupid! I burst into tears and told him all his were stupid too and walked off. Then he goes and gets me a freezer for Christmas (this is 2 days before Christmas). ARGH! Some guys are like this. My Dad is like this, but it doesn't make them bad, just frustrating for us. I don't think you're in the wrong, though, but it helps to vent.

Catherine, I am so sorry to hear of this, I just had a chance to read this in its entirety. Cat, ask him very gently as a loving wife and friend, what is he hiding from so much that he feels he needs to cover it up with all that work. And let him have space to answer you.
Love,
Elizabeth

I have to agree with sweets as well. Catherine, although I have no advice to give you as I'm only 14 and definitly don't feel experienced to start pushing my weight around, but you are in my thoughts that DH will start giving you a bit more attention. We love you girl!

Originally Posted by Kiwideus

I am with Sweets here

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Me too.

Originally Posted by Kiwideus

I feel that some people here are belittling Catherine, when she wanted a place to vent and to ask if she is wrong, which I dont think she is.

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Agreed - although I think everyone had the best intentions and is only trying to help.

Heres another thought: Catherine, although you and your husband both work very hard and long hours so that someday you can retire early, will you still know each other then? Are you sacrificing too much of your time together right now? Planning and saving is an essential part of life, but maybe you have both been going overboard and its neither of your faults - you just have no time or energy left for each other.

Thank you eveyone for your advice. I have slept on it and have decided to take a little bit from eveyone.

First, as of right now..........the bathrooms can be dirty, the essential clothes will be washed, and meals will be fixed. Other than that, if I feel like it or have time for it- it may or may not get done.

Next, I am going to keep a journal so that when I approach him, he can actually see what I do. As I've said before, I understand HIS job but he does not understand mine. I'm not asking him to do much.....just little things without mumbleing under his breath.

I am going to continue hitting the books.......the sooner I complete my education, the sooner I can afford to hire people and have more time for myself and my family. Also, as soon as I finish college, we are selling our business so that he can have a 9-5 job. We will both have a 9-5 job.

I think right now, thanks to all of your advice, this is my best solution and attitude to take on for now. I'm not looking for a confrontation at the moment and have been trying to keep my mouth shut to him b/c his mother has passed away only 2 months ago. I know he has added stress right now but I also know that this problem has not happened since or b/c of her death. I just want to keep the peace while he works through his greiving. I do plan on having a chat with him this weekend just to let him know how I feel when he does grumble.

Thanks again everyone!

Today you sound more peaceful and clearer about things. You did the right thing giving yourself time to mull things over and talk to others.

Do keep hitting the books. Your education is so important and will give you independence and stability later on.

I know you said that hubby didn't want a college education - it's great that he has supported you, do you think it could worry him that as you come to the end of your study he may not be enough for you. I went to University as a mature student, and whilst it wasn't an issue for me and my hubby, it was an issue for some of my friends at Uni.

Best of luck. I hope it works out for you.

He's such a laid back guy, I don't think it would bother him if I had a degree and he didn't or if I make more money or not. Our money is just that "our money". There is no "mine" and "yours", all the money goes in the same pot.
We've talked about it before and I don't care what others say. That's who he is and this is who I am. Some people just aren't college material. I'm not very good in school but am pretty smart and business savvy, therefor, I have to work hard at my school work. But I do it b/c I want to move forward in life and give my son the best. Also, how could I tell my son to go to college if at least one of us has not finished?

You're right, I am feeling better today. I went to bed at 1am instead of 2 or 3 and got up late today so I am thinking more clearly now.

Thanks again eveyone!

I am going through the same thing so I feel for you. I'm in the middle of trying to work things out too. My fiance works 40 hours a week, while I work 20, go to school full-time, take care of our 15 month old and clean house. He expects me to do everything. Example, a couple of days ago I asked him to feed Aubrey so I could get in a quick shower. He had just gotten home from work, he only worked 5 hours, and I had been taking care of her all day. This was too much for him and resulted in a HUGE fight. He has never given her a bath. I'm lucky if he changes her diaper or feeds her once a week. We have a date night where my mom watches our daughter. I tell him how much I love and appreciate him. All he does is complain when the house isn't spotless. I think I do agree with whoever said it had to do with his mom. She is practically perfect. She keeps the house spotless, hardly complains, makes homecooked meals every night from scratch. She also is just a stay at home mom but all kids are now in school. He thinks that when I'm home I should spend every last minute cleaning while when he's home he can watch tv or play video games. We are working on things, as I left for about a week and stayed with my mom and this has finally opened his eyes a little. Good luck working things out.

Heather

Glad you are feeling better today Catherine! Here are some hugs for you -

I think that you are not being appreciated. An honest conversation would help. I agree with you. I'd be hurt and upset if it were me. From what I am hearing, he is appreciate of everyone but YOU, which is totally NOT cool.

Hey Cat, yeah! Looks like a good nights sleep and some really logical thinking are the key right now. I do know that when I'm sleep deprived everything is exacerbated. Everything seems so much worse than it is until I sleep! I think he's very lucky to have you as is your son, and where is it written that you have to have a perfect house? That's Stepford Wives stuff. Nobody does all the household chores everyday, it just cannot be done and I really like your attitude about that. It's a healthy attitude, I think, because what's essential gets done and if it does not get done, then it wasn't meant to get done. I think your game plan is a good one, and I like the idea of a journal. "...He's such a laid back guy, I don't think it would bother him if I had a degree and he didn't or if I make more money or not. Our money is just that "our money". There is no "mine" and "yours", all the money goes in the same pot." This is also a sign of a pretty healthy relationship, not to say other arrangements are not, but it sounds as if there is mutual trust and respect going on here, no matter what you say. I swear Eric is the most laid-back person I have ever met and because he is so laid-back he literally doesn't "see" how hard I work, or all the things I take care of at the house every day even when I work a 50 hr week downtown, and on and on and on..... I feel like I have to use an iron skillet upside that man's head as it is! I'm glad we had the chance to talk last night and I support you 101%.
Love,
Elizabeth

It was once said that my hubby was so laid back he had hinges on his feet

I hope you can continue to see things with a lot of clarity (and sometimes, just posting, like you did, seeing what others wrote/think, AND going back and looking at YOUR post a few days or a week or more later, and seeing how YOU think, really opens your eyes, as to how severe the problems are, or have become with time!)
One thing I've found over the years, is if we really, really are upset at things someone we love or care about does, and don't verbalize it to them, a person ends up feeling victimized. If it just continues with that same routine being repeated often, it becomes a way of life.... The one person continues being thoughtless, while the other continues being hurt and angry...
You and your DH are human and both of you only have so many hours in a day, and so much energy to be expended in those hours. If you are both exhausted all the time, there is going to be a lot less energy and patience on both your parts... That is just the way our bodies work! So, if you both keep running yourselves so much, in the joint effort to be able to retire early, you will probably do either one of two things: Become angry strangers to each other, or develop severe health problems down the road. And after ALL the hard work you are both putting into your days, it would be beyond sad to end up on either one of those roads!!!!
I think if you find you cannot talk enough to him, to make an obvious difference, that you need to write him a letter and let him know how all this is affecting you AND him. With a letter, he can read it, and not interject mumblings under his breath to your thoughts, while you say them to him! He can see right in front of him, what your true feelings are--and where YOU are at, emotionally, on all these very real issues!
I wish you ALL the best, in getting through to him ((HUGS)) to you!

****Also I wish the other poster; "HeatherRagan" a lot of luck with her fiancee. I found out the really hard way, that a person is NOT going to change unless it is THEY who want to change! No amount of reasoning, argueing, crying, yelling will make them change. It HAS to be them who thinks, "You know what? *I* don't like the person I am right now, and *I* want to change from being that person, to a person I would be proud to know!!! Their behavior is who they are, just like your behaviors are who you are. Their behaviors may be beyond difficult to put up with, and be obnoxious or hateful, but they will not change until THEY decide they need or want to change! Have you considered counselling? You do NOT deserve to be treated the way he is treating you (Nor does your little baby!) ((HUGS)) to you too. I hope you will see that you NEED to be treated with respect and kindness (THAT is what love is based on!!!) --That is NOT too much to ask!!!