Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?

Here's my favorite joke of the moment.

A man, his wife and her mother are travelling in the Holy Land when his wife's mother dies. The man goes to the funeral home and asks about having his mother in law shipped home for burial.

The man at the funeral home says "Really, that would be extremely expensive. Why don't you just have her buried here?"

The man refuses and again asks about having his mother in law shipped home for burial.

The man at the funeral home says "Really sir, it is prohibitively expensive to do that. Plus, what a wonderful gift to you mother in law. She could be buried here in the Holy Land, the holiest place on earth."

The man, exasperated now says "Listen, two thousand years ago you buried a guy here and he came back to life in three days. I can't take that chance!"

The New York Philharmonic Orchestra was performing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony at a concert one evening. In this piece, there is a lengthy section of music in which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around looking bored while the music played on, several of the bassists decided to sneak offstage and duck into a nearby pub to slam a few (as professional violinists are known to do) while they waited.

After downing quite a few drinks, one of the bassists looked at his watch and said, "Hey, we've got to get back!" Another of the group, however, said, "Calm down. I figured we'd need some extra time, so I took some string and tied the last few pages of the director's score together.

It should keep him busy for a few minutes." The musicians finished their drinks and returned to their places on the stage. Meanwhile, a member of the audience noticed how agitated and nervous the director seemed to be. He said as much to his companion. The companion said, "Well, of course he's
nervous. Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded!"

Darn it! You other posters are creating other threads and knocking mine out of the limelight. Keep the jokes coming. I will soon run out of jokes to put on here, but here is another. I need other jokes to make this thread work. We have to have some cheer on this forum.

A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asks.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman.

I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw it on the ground, and told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer to me.' "

St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"

"Just a coupla minutes ago."

A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"Like this?"
"No. A little more..."
"Like this?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"A little bit."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

This one's good for a giggle, but also has a message...

COVER YOUR ASS

One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbors to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.

As the farmer's neighbors continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.

NUDITY
I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from the back seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!"

HONESTY
My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it fell in the toilet a few days ago!"

OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During her struggle, the phone rang, so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her mother. Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."

MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter--haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"

POLICE # 1
While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered, and continued writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police--is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie my shoe?"

POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?"

ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. The various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs, unfailingly intrigued her. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, "The tooth fairy will never believe this!"

DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."

DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased. The minister's son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: "Glory be unto the Fainter, and unto the Sonny . . . and into the hole he gooses."

SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother. "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"

BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"

Alright folks, I have to keep this on the top marquee so here is another.

The elderly priest



The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, "It was a good idea to replace the first four rows of pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills first now.



The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, "And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n roll gospel choir. We are packed to the balcony!!"

"Thank you, Father," answered the young priest. "I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth."

"Well," said the elderly priest, "I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru confessional."

"But, Father," protested the young priest, "my confessions and the donations have nearly doubled since I began that!"

"I know, son," replied the elderly priest, "but that flashing neon sign,
'Toot 'n Tell or Go To Hell' just can't stay on the church roof."

I love this thread....ALL these jokes are funny !!!!
Thanks for making me laugh everyone!!!!!!

This is story, told by President Reagan:

Fidel Castro was delivering one his hours-long, boring speeches. A voice in the crowd called out, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!" Castro continued his harangue.

A bit later, the voice cried out, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!" Castro continued to spew and the calls continued.

After about the fourth time, Castro said, "The next time I here that, I'm going to kick you all the way to Miami!"

Immediately, the WHOLE CROWD shouted, "Peanuts, popcorn, Cracker Jacks!"

Be careful what you say.

A guy awoke to breakfast in bed, music playing, birds singing, and he was puzzled. He knew he had been out drinking all night and knew he came in falling down drunk but couldn't remember anything else. When he got out of bed, he asked his son what happened last night. His son said, "Dad, you were so drunk that you threw up on the floor and knocked over mom's pize vase." His dad was puzzled and said, "But what did I do to deserve breakfast in bed?" His son replied, "Well, when mom was taking your clothes off to put you in the bed, you blurted out, stop that lady, I'm a married man!"

A guy in a Volkswagen Beetle pulls up next to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign. Their windows are open and he yells at the guy in the Rolls:

"Hey, you got a telephone in that Rolls?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course I do."

"I got one too ... see?"

"Uh-huh, yes, that's very nice."

"You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do."

"I do too! See? It's right here!"

"Uh-huh."

The light is just about to turn green and the guy in the Volkswagen says, "So, do you have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here; see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Volkswagen takes off. Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about to be one-upped, so he goes immediately to a customizing shop and orders them to put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done and he picks up his car and drives all over town looking for the Volkswagen. He finally finds it parked alongside the road so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Volkswagen are all fogged up and he feels a little awkward about it, but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls and taps on the foggy window of the Volkswagen.

The man in the Volkswagen finally opens the window a crack and peeks out. The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Volkswagen says, "You got me out of the shower to tell me that?!"

When God created the earth.. the first thing he did was make women, because they would create more creatures, so he wouldnt have to work at populating the planet every sennight. He made all vaiety of women, women cats, women dogs, women everything, and one woman that could walk and talk with him, and she was named Eve.
Now, when making all the women, he thought of how many young each mother could bear maximum and gave each one as many teets as neccesary to feed them. When he came to Eve, he decided that women could have 3 babies, and therefore required 3 breasts.
He then made males of all the creatures, except for Eve because Eve was to be his companion and help him by nurturing the animals while he was busy doing worldly things.
God came down and visited Eve every day, and then every other day, and then every other week, and after a time, he rarely visited at all, because God is a busy kinda guy. So one day he visits eve and they go walking through the forest so she can tell him about how the animals are doing. When they're done, god asks eve.. "Well .. how are you doing, is there any way I can help you?"
Eve smirks and points at her middle breast.. "God, this breast is forever in the way.. it makes it hard to cut clothing, it makes it difficult to care for the animals, and I feel odd when sleeping on my stomach."
He nodded and apologized, and with a swipe of his and removed the annoying breast, throwing it into the bushes. After a moment he asks her "Is there anything else that I can help you with?" Eve thought for a moment and Nodded.. "All the other creatures have a mate, god, and while I inderstand I am to nurture these animals and be your companion, you're always busy organizing the angels, and I don't see you often enough to not be lonely. besides I need another hand to tend the animals."
God nodded compassionately and looked around.. "Alright then.. where did I throw that third boob?"

Ah a great feminist joke.

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, " Is my time up"?
God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face
lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look even nicer. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was stuck by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, " I thought you said I had another 40 years ? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of the ambulance?" God replied, " Gi! iirrrlllllll, I didn't even recognize you!"

I saw these on my Pringles, the new 'Pringles Prints Jokes'
Thought they were cute.
What do cats drink from in space?
Flying Saucers
What do you call cat trash?Kitty litter

Ok if we're telling kids jokes. I know one.

Why didn't the skelton cross the road?



He didn't have guts.





I'm so so sorry

There was an obscene phone caller who called the home of a good looking girl. When he called, a little girl about 5 answered. This is the conversation that ensued:

Obscene Caller: "Hello is your sister at home?"
Little girl: "No."
Obscene Caller: "Is your mother at home?"
LIttle Girl: "No."
Onscene Caller: Frustrated by now he says, "Isn't there any other women at home older than you?"
Little Girl: "No, just me."
Very Frustrated Obscene Caller: "Well, this is an obscene phone call, pee pee, poo poo."

You can take it with you, if you do it right.

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me. "And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was Sitting there in black, and her
friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband." The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going
to put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

2 men skip work and go to a baseball game. They end up with seats behind 3 nuns wearing the traditional wimple and they can't see the ball field very well so they start complaining. Finally the first man says very loudly, so the nuns can hear, "I'll bet they have less nuns in Japan! I should go to Japan to watch baseball!" The second man says, "I'll bet they even have less in Russia! I should go to Russia to watch baseball!"

One of the nuns turns around and smiles sweetly, "Why don't both of you just go to Hell, they don't have any nuns there."

Originally Posted by Caspar

Folks, I have been through most of the threads here. There's sadness, happiness, the funny things our cats do, health tips, even a political forum where things get heated at times, but what about just plain humor? How about posting funny jokes, funny things with cats, or funny things that have happened to you, even jokes people send you on e-mail? Keep them clean. Now maybe these jokes belong on the IMO forum, but I'm still a young cat and am not allowed to go there.

Click to expand...

Wow! This sure is a nice website. I am equally glad that someone here thought to post jokes as well. As soon as I can find some, I am going to post some as well.

I found one. Here goes.

Latest Collection of "World's Thinnest Books "



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FRENCH WAR HEROES
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MY SUPER BOWL HIGHLIGHTS
by Dan Marino

THINGS I LOVE ABOUT BILL
by Hillary Clinton

MY LITTLE BOOK OF PERSONAL HYGIENE
by Osama Bin Laden

THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
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THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
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MY WILD YEARS
by Al Gore

AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

DETROIT: A TRAVEL GUIDE

A COLLECTION of MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
by Dr. J. Kevorkian

EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

ALL THE MEN I HAVE LOVED BEFORE
by Ellen de Generes

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MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
by O. J. Simpson

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