Anybody Have Any Good Jokes?

[cat5]

"Poor Little" Osama

After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.

There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison entered, kicked Osama and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"

These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and writhing! in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. !

Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you up here. What did you think I said?"

 

[cat5]

CHAPTER 1
GAMES FOR WHEN WE ARE OLDER
1. Sag, You're it
2. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over.
6. Doc Goose.
7. Simon says something incoherent.
8. Hide and go pee.
9. Spin the Bottle of Mylanta
10. Musical recliners.

CHAPTER 2
SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE
1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood
stove, he is using you to heat the family room this
winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused,
you shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids'
names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And
your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie flippin' Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the
Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your
Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.

CHAPTER 3
SIGNS OF WEAR
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says, "Let's go
upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I
can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment you on
your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy
and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the
wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse
goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... When you are cautioned to slow
down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means
I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find
your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all-nighter" means not
getting up to pee!

 

[tuxedokitties]

This thread made my day!

.....
What happened to the cannibal when he was late for dinner?
....
He got the cold shoulder.

 

[cat5]

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES ... (READ THEM OUT LOUD)

1) That's not right. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? Hu Yu Hai Ding?
3) See me ASAP. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man Dum Gai
5) Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan?
7) I bumped into a coffee table. Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift. Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here. Wai So Dim?
10) I thought you were on a diet. Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone. No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight. Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile. Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive. Yu Stin Ki Pu

 

[cat5]

HILLARY IN HEAVEN
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven.
As she stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a
huge wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"
That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have
never moved indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?" "That's Abraham
Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe
only
told 2 lies in his entire life.
"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.
"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's
using it as a ceiling fan.

 

[cat5]

I Love Mustard

(This is a true story.) If you have children you will
probably relate to this father...

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of
ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive,
light brown, gourmet mustard.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried
it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both
hands but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my
side. "Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my
sandwich," she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder
and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I
noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and
only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding.
With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine
shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard)
my wife said, "Now you know why they call that
mustard "Poupon.'"

 

[cat5]

Betty, the town gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the town's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business.

Several local residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. However, she made a mistake when she recently accused Ted, a local man, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked outside the town's only bar one afternoon.

Ted, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away without saying a word. Later that evening, he parked his pickup truck in front of her house and left it there all night.

 

[cat5]

Several years ago, I returned home from a trip just when a storm with crashing thunder and severe lightning. As I came into my bedroom about 2 a.m., I found my two children in bed with my wife, Karey, apparently scared by the loud storm. I resigned myself to sleep in the guest bedroom that night. The next day, I talked to the children, and explained that it was O.K. to sleep with Mom when the storm was bad, but when I was expected home, please don't sleep with Mom that night. They said OK.

After my next trip several weeks later, Karey and the children picked me up in the terminal at the appointed time. Since the plane was late, everyone had come into the terminal to wait for my plane's arrival, along with hundreds of other folks waiting for their arriving passengers. As I entered the waiting area, my son saw me, and came running shouting, "Hi, Dad! I've got some good news!"

As I waved back, I said loudly, "What's the good news?"

"Nobody slept with Mommy while you were away this time!" Alex shouted.

The airport became very quiet, as everyone in the waiting area looked at Alex, then turned to me, and then searched the rest of the area to see if they could figure out exactly who his Mom was.

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An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then 4 yr. old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. 'Be still, my heart, 'thought my friend, 'my daughter wants follow in my footsteps!' Then the child spoke into the instrument "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

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A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."

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A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with the boys?" Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys, they're too rough." The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I can find a smooth one, can I play with him?"

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A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked it up and looked at it closely.

It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed between pages. "Momma, look what I found," The boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked. With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

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At the beginning of a children's sermon, one girl came up to the altar wearing a beautiful dress. As the children were sitting down around pastor, he leaned over and said to the girl, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The girl replied almost directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."

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