I lost my best friend so unexpectantly and it's killing me

Hi all.  I just needed to share my story with people who will understand what I am going through and to maybe get some closure.

I got Chanel and her sister Vera when they were kittens.  I was just out of college, working a terrible job in a call center and living in my parent's basement.  I have always suffered from depression/anxiety and was at one of my lowest points. It probably wasn't the smartest move financially... but I saw these kittens at a dirty petstore and they just looked so sad and so sick that I impulsively took them home and nursed them back to health.  It was the greatest decision I ever made.

The first time I picked Chanel up, she instantly started purring.  I knew we would be close.  Vera was sweet and affectionate also, but Chanel became attached to me instantly.  Within a few months, she learned the sound of my voice and would come running whenever I called her.  I didn't even need to to train her with treats... she just wanted pets and affection.  This continued over the years... she was just as affectionate as an adult as she was a kitten.  She loved our other cats too... was always snuggling with them.  Always purring.  Always loving us.

She would have turned 6 next week.  She was so young still.  Last Monday I came home from work and found her dead, under an ottoman.  A place she sometimes sleeps, but normally only goes when she is scared.  I can't even describe the amount of shock and denial I felt that day. We rushed her to the vet, blew every red light.. but I knew it was too late for her.

There were no signs of illness.  Just that afternoon we were playing with her favorite toy at lunch.  She was her normal, crazy self.  I was only gone for a few hours and then she was...dead. 

The vet said it was possibly heart failure due to a genetic condition? We were really concerned since we also have her sister, Vera, so we got an autopsy and additional testing done.  The findings weren't 100% conclusive, but the diagnosis was "presumed airway obstruction with asphyxiation due to aspiration of feed".  So she just choked? My beautiful, sweet kitty choked on her food? While I was gone?

I am so wrecked by this.  I haven't stopped crying since it happened.  And I've found a million ways to blame myself.  I just can't accept that this is how she went.  Only 6 years old.  My best friend.  The most intelligent cat I've ever met.  She has helped me through so much.  Always comforted me when I was ready to give up on everything... and now I need her more than ever. I feel like a part of me died that day also.

Has this ever happened to anyone else?  I almost could have accepted heart failure... but choking? I feel sick.  I've stopped free-feeding the rest of the cats so I can monitor them when they eat.  I wish I would have done it sooner.

There is no way to constantly monitor a loved one every second of the day, parents go through this too with human babies, but it is just not possible.We have to sleep, work, and be gone and it can't be avoided.  When the worst happens, with something so rare it is rarely ever heard of, you have to know that it was a horrible accident, there was no way to predict it happening or to prevent it. There is no way to change the past,no matter how much we want to, but use it in the future to keep it from happening again, which you are trying to do. Your sweet girl would be the last one to put any guilt on you for an accident, she loved you too much for that and only wants the best for you. She would have never wanted to be in a bubble, so protected she could not enjoy life, she would want to live her life on her terms, even with the dangers it presents, we all would. She would never want you to be so sad, but to go on with your life and be happy once again as you would want for her. The odds of that same accident happening to another one of your cats is astronomical, I have owned or cared for over a hundred cats and have never had this happen or heard of it. I thank you for posting, it gives a warning to the rest of us to be on the lookout for another danger to add to our lists.

My heart cries for what you are going through, I will never understand how such terrible things happen to good people, there will never be answers for some things in life. Try not to dwell on her death, celebrate having that sweet little girl in your life for six years, she brought much into it and although it hurts so very much to lose her,think if you would have never met her at all, all you would have missed. Of course you are grief stricken, you lost a valued family member, and the emptiness it brings is something that takes a long time to accept. Please know you are not alone, we know the pain of such a loss,learning to live without them in our lives, how much it hurts and how long it takes to heal a broken heart. You will never accept her leaving, but somehow you will learn to live with it, time helps to soften the agony and heals all. The bond you have formed will bind her to you for as long as you live, she will always be nearby, and one day you will realize this and know she will never be gone from you as long as you have your precious memories that will one day also bring you comfort instead of tears.   I'll keep you all in my prayers, i'll cry with you for the loss of such a sweet little girl.  Take care of yourself, you have other little ones who depend on you and need comforting too.......RIP beautiful Chanel, the world is a darker place with your passing, but your bright star will light up the skies and shine your love down on those who miss you so terribly much. You were so very loved and will be forever held in a loving heart!

I am so truly loss for your loss.
What a tragic thing to have happened to your sweet kitty. It was certainly not your fault, though. You loved her so much and she knew that. You nursed her and gave her a loving home when no one else seemed to care. Yes, you will mourn her loss always. She was your baby, and your family. I wish I had some magic words to comfort you. I am truly at a loss as to the right words to say. It was a true tragedy what happened,and very rare. It is not likely to happen to your other kitties. Try to be kind to yourself, and let your other kitties help comfort you.
I hope that one day you can remember your sweet Chanel with more smiles than tears.
RIP Sweet Chanel!
You were so loved and will be missed always!

Thank you both for your responses.  It means a lot.  It feels good talking about her, so I am glad I made this post.

I feel so bad for you, your post made me cry.  You couldn't have possibly known this would happen.  I've had cats practically all my life and have always left down food.  I cut the cords off the blinds, because I worry they might get choked by them, but never in a million years have I thought about food.  I am so sorry for your loss of Chanel.  It was a terrible accident, nothing you did wrong.  Please be kind to yourself; it's not your fault. You obtained these kittens from a place that obviously did not care about them, and they got love and wonderful lives in return.  My prayers are with you.  I hope the guilt goes away, and you can soon reflect on the happy memories with your girl. 

 

As I read this tears starting streaming down my cheeks, I morn for your loss, and my heart aches for you. Chanel needed you as much as you needed her, you found each other and saved one another. She sounded like a very special cat and friend. RIP sweet girl you will always be loved 

I'm so sorry for you about losing Chanel.  I know there's nothing I could say to help except my heart goes out to you.  It's not your fault!  But I'm sure you just wished you could have been there to help.  If you had known that was going to happen, you certainly would have been right there, but you didn't know.  I'm so sorry.  

Thank you everyone for your replies, seriously... they mean so much to me.  I appreciate all of the support and I am so sorry for making some of you cry! It's been a really hard time for me.  It has been two weeks now.  Today would have been her 6th birthday... still feeling really emotional, but I am trying to focus on how much good she brought into my life and not blaming myself for this terrible accident. 

I am so sorry for your loss of chanel. Don't feel bad. There is nothing you could have done. I lost my beautiful boy wurzel nearly 5 months ago, and i still cry all the time. I also blamed myself for not noticing he was unwell soon enough, even though he showed little signs of being sick, and there was no way i could haved helped him anyway. Guilt is part of the grieving process. Just keep thinking of all the fond memories you have with chanel. That's what keeps me going. And two new kitties! Be strong.

I am so sorry for your loss. It is a good thing to be able to express yourself here without judgement. It is three weeks today since I lost my Sammy. We go through so many emotions and it can be unbearable. Don't blame yourself.  This is a most difficult time for you but it will get better, I promise. You have to grieve. Its the only way to get through it. Know you have friends here you can talk to. 

I just wanted to tell you I have been there and know how you are feeling.  The shock, sadness, guilt. My heart hurts for you! I'm sorry for the loss of your kitty.  It was so helpful for me share on these forums with people who understand. Some of those lovely people even replied to your post as well!  Some kind things they said that helped me feel better was not to feel guilty.  It was sadly her time and these things can be unpredictable and random.  But you were there loving her until the end.  Without you, she may not have ever known that.  If you didn't take her in, she'd still be living in that pet store, sickly and not belonging to anyone.  There are so many cats out there who don't have kind people like you to love and care for them.  You were lucky to find each other.  It sounds like she knew it and was very happy to have a home with you.  I hope that soon you will be able to remember her with smiles and not tears.  Gosh, I know how bad you're feeling.  Sending love and light.  I hope you feel better soon.  RIP sweet Chanel.

My heartfelt sympathies go out to you on the loss of your dear, sweet Chanel.  Add my name to the list of people who cried as they read your post.  Please give yourself time to grieve and mourn your loss.  Eventually memories will replace tears.  Sending special thoughts to you.

Thanks again everyone.  This post has really helped bring me some closure to this traumatic situation. 

It has been getting easier.  I can finally start talking about memories of her without crying too much.  Some days are worse than others and I still worry constantly about my other cats... but I'm just trying to focus on being the best cat mom I can be.

I sincerely appreciate all of your responses and thoughts and prayers.  There is an amazing community of cat lovers here.  I'm so grateful for that!

I too was in tears reading your post. Grief is a very individual process and happens in it's own time frame.  You will have good and bad days which are a normal part of grieving.  The blaming our selves for loss is also part of grieving.  In time the guilt does pass and we learn to accept there are things in life you can not control.

I am very sorry for your loss. You and Chanel shared a very special bond that can never be taken away.  She will live on in a special place in your heart through the memories you shared together during those 6 years. Your paths crossed for a reason and you made each other's lives better.  Unfortunately accidents happen and you did nothing wrong here. All you did was give Chanel a stable loving home with unconditional love. That bond of unconditional love will always be there.  You are a great cat mom.  I can tell how much you love your babies. I am very sorry you are having to go through this and I wish there were magic words that could take away your pain.  Sending you love and hugs during this difficult time. Chanel is now at the rainbow bridge and you will meet again one day.

I am glad you found us so you have people on your side who understand what you are going through and share your tears. You can come here to talk about your baby all you want and this is also a great place to vent if you are having a bad day.

Chanel is now an Angel and will always be with you in spirit.

Oh my gosh, I'm absolutely heartbroken for you. I pray you have found some peace. My sincere condolences!

My condolences on your loss of Chanel. It must have been an awful shock to find her gone like that.