I swear ! Men can't do anything

Thanks for your help.

My partner of 9 years does anything I ask him to, he's not confident about cooking but its not that bad because I love to cook! He's a great help even though he doesn't live with me at the moment

I am glad some of you women have a man who helps around the house. I wish mine would.

dejolane said:

I am glad some of you women have a man who helps around the house. I wish mine would.

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Some of us don't. And that's OK.

CatDavidLouis said:

I'm a man-- we can do stuff

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Haha, good response.  

My hubby and I share lots of household duties.  And then there are things he mostly does, or I do.  He does most of the grocery shopping since I don't like that job.  I do dishes, not his favorite thing.  It works out pretty evenly in the end.

Rick used to do the grocery shopping when I worked a swing-shift. It was easier for him to do it than for me at the time. Now we shop together. In fact, when he was in Oregon back in March, I ran down to the store for a few things and the cashier asked me where he was because we're always together.

In my experience, if you have been in more than one relationship and make a blanket statement about men, the determining factor is you and not some vague attribute of a Y gene.

mrblanche said:

In my experience, if you have been in more than one relationship and make a blanket statement about men, the determining factor is you and not some vague attribute of a Y gene.

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 Good point!

I think the human animal tends to generalize or stereotype because it makes it so easy  not to address problems in  our relationships. We can then throw up our hands and say " there's nothing I can do about it, cuz thats just the way it is."  Stereotypes make us lazy and we then don't have to analyze our own role in a dysfunctional relationship. I think this can happen on a micro level with couples and families; all the way up to the macro level with inter-racial relations, inter-gender work relations, etc.

  I'm just sayin'        

I hope starting this thread it didn't get all men mad at me. It just makes me mad when my husband can't help me around the house. I know men who live alone can clean up after themselves or live like slobs. Not all men are like him. I'm just tired picking up after my husband.

Again I'm sorry.

dejolane said:

I hope starting this thread it didn't get all men mad at me. It just makes me mad when my husband can't help me around the house. I know men who live alone can clean up after themselves or live like slobs. Not all men are like him. I'm just tired picking up after my husband.

Again I'm sorry.

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No way we're mad Dejolene. We're all cat lovin' family here on TCS!

My ex didn't help around the house and he was very picky about the house being clean.  He grew up in a house that was always spotless but he never seemed to understand that his grandmother lived with them so his mother and grandmother were taking care of the house.  My ex was a diesel mechanic by trade and a darn good backyard auto mechanic.  He routinely rebuilt engines.  He kept our cars running.  The first time after we were divorced that I had to pay a car repair bill it was real sticker shock.  It wasn't  enough of a shock to go back to him but it was a shock.  

We share an egalitarian attitude in this house. We both have the same career so he can't use that excuse. I don't think he would anyways. We don't believe in traditional U.S. gender roles.
If you see the trash is full take it out, regardless of whether you're the wife/husband/SO/etc.
I am a clean freak so I will do a lot of cleaning if I am home. My partner also does a lot around the house. He will wash and fold my laundry while I am at work.
I would be upset too if he didn't pull his weight, but I knew how he was before we decided to share a home. He knows my expectations about house cleanliness and helps to uphold them, even though I had to explain to him that you have to wipe the baseboards when you mop the floor. Lol.
Talk to your SO about how you feel. He is probably willing to listen.

You know, I think (and I could be wrong about this) that even though our DHs and SOs will do stuff around the house, the primary house-cleaning chores are still mostly done by the women in the family. Rick will vacuum and he will dust, but most of the time, that's done by me. Rick will do the laundry, but again, most of the time, I'm the washer-woman. I do most of the cooking, although he will help clean after dinner, even if that just means that he brings the dishes over to the counter.

He has said outright that I'm more of a cleaner than he is. He simply doesn't see what needs to be done sometimes whereas I see it and just do it. While I'm not really a clean freak (Rick might dispute that, but I don't think I am), if I see something, I just pick it up or clean it up or whatever. Rick doesn't see it. He just doesn't. Magazine on the floor? What magazine? Food spilled on the counter? Where? Seriously, he doesn't see it.

One time, I was working on dinner prep for a large dinner we were having. He was sitting at the table and we were talking. I was making iced tea and I asked him to get me 12 teabags out of the pantry. He got the teabags out, put them on the counter and walked away. Well, when I asked him to get the teabags down, to me, that also meant to remove the wrapper from each teabag. But Rick heard me ask him to please get me 12 teabags.....I didn't ask him to remove the wrappers, too. So he didn't. It led to a "discussion". To me, it's absurdly simple. To Rick? Not so much. It's a Mars/Venus thing, I swear. And I'm not complaining, really I'm not. It's just a difference of what we expect, more than anything. (And now when I ask him for 12 teabags, he'll be a snot and ask, "Well, do I have to remove the wrappers, too??"  And I usually respond with, "Well, it'd be nice!!")

He does do most of the outside work, although I'll mow the yard and go out to help with the weeding, clipping, and such. He's the garbage-guy on Wednesday nights when we scour out the litter boxes, although I do help out. But I do all the litter scooping throughout the week. He's the main feeder-person for the cats, esp in the morning because he can deal with seven cats that are absolutely starving. Starving, I tell you. Plus the man works all day, doing physical labor....he's not sitting in an office like I am. And as I mentioned before, he's working a lot of OT right now. Not that that should matter because we both have fulltime jobs.

But overall, I think I do most of the work in the house, while he does most of the work outside. Is that sexist? Probably. But really, if the tasks get done, does it matter who does them? No, not really. I do get frustrated sometimes when I think I'm doing more than he does. But if I really think about it, he's a hard worker. And so am I. It evens out. 

I thin men should do some yard work like cut the grass and weed.and we should spend the money to make the yard pretty and plant flowers.

I should clarify and say that I really only think its sexist if you object to the division of labor. If women want to stay at home and take care of the house then they certainly have that right and it is not sexist if that is their choice. If you are comfortable with how labor and chores are divided in your house then I don't think there is any issue. Everyone will have something that works for them. I just don't want to be expected to be the only one lifting a finger around the house. Every member of the house should be expected to pull their weight and each family will have different expectation as to what that is.

I am a terrible cook and my partner does most of the cooking. I usually get to be the prep helper. My stomach and taste buds are suffering while is is gone for field season. lol. 

I do most of the deep cleaning because I am obsessive and need it to be done to a certain standard. He does clean up after himself and help out with whatever needs done. It is always give and take, I think. 

dejolane said:

I thin men should do some yard work like cut the grass and weed.and we should spend the money to make the yard pretty and plant flowers.

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Now that IS sexist, IMO. Why can't you mow the yard and do the weeding and let him plant flowers.....if that's what you both want to do? It's not up to  only you.  If he's happy mowing and weeding and you're happy planting, that's fine. But he needs to have a say, too.

dejolane said:

I thin men should do some yard work like cut the grass and weed.and we should spend the money to make the yard pretty and plant flowers.

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Haha!  Our division of labor is a non-traditional one, I suppose.  I love the idea of having plants but am not so good at the nurturing part (I always forget plants need that water stuff).  Hubby does almost all the plant watering/caring.  And he's far pickier about housekeeping than I am.  I do the administrative stuff--run our home office, take care of finances for home and business, maintain/troubleshoot the computers.  We both like to cook and have fun doing that together.  It works out--neither of us feels we're doing more or harder work than the other.  Except at the moment, I'm doing all the litter box cleaning for 7 cats!  He had hip replacement surgery and it's tough for him to bend down.  But I suspect he'll use that cane far longer than he really needs it to get out of litter cleaning duty!  

Winchester said:

Now that IS sexist, IMO. Why can't you mow the yard and do the weeding and let him plant flowers.....if that's what you both want to do? It's not up to  only you.  If he's happy mowing and weeding and you're happy planting, that's fine. But he needs to have a say, too.

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Yes I guess thats true  

luvmy4 said:

I should clarify and say that I really only think its sexist if you object to the division of labor. If women want to stay at home and take care of the house then they certainly have that right and it is not sexist if that is their choice. If you are comfortable with how labor and chores are divided in your house then I don't think there is any issue. Everyone will have something that works for them.

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  This is a really good point.  I know women who would have it no other way, and yet they are far from being woosies... They enjoy homemaking.  I also know a couple of stay-at-home dads who are prepared to give their partners a chance to wholeheartedly pursue their careers.  And those men enjoy homemaking.

If people can come to equitable agreements it's a great thing.

But Winchester, I know heaps of men who 'don't see things'.  And they seriously don't! Their wives/partners tell me about it.  In one case the bloke does the vacuuming one week (the vacuuming equivalent of 'teabags with the wrappers on') and the next week his wife does it properly.

And my brother lives in the messiest house I've ever seen, but you could eat your meal off his shed's workshop bench. 

Wow! I feel l lucky! I have a wonderful dh. Not much of housekeeper, but he cooks, makes sure I get around safely, and sets out my meds. I have some serious health issues since I fell down the steps after Thanksgiving, then I spent several weeks shortly after that with encefolophy. I could not walk, or do anything for myself. (we found out later I may have accidentally poisoned myself) They wanted to put me in a nursing home. but he would have none of it, He took me home and took care of me. My doc arranged for home health and physical therapist had walking around the house in 3 weeks, and a quarter mile track in 5 weeks.

Mil did not care to have all three cats inside at once so he would bring them in to visit one at the time. He looked after them so I would not worry.

We have had our ups and down in 30 years together; but who hasn't. All that and cute, too.