Friend's Wedding (long post)

Some background: "Ed" has been best friends with my husband for 25 years, and Ed and I have been very good friends for 20 years. Ed was a groomsman at our wedding, and held our daughter in the hospital the day after she was born. My family has always considered Ed one of our dearest friends.

When Ed found his wife cheating on him 13 years ago, he came and stayed with us until he figured out what to do. I called him at work every day, reminding him to come over and have dinner with us (which he did) because he was so devastated that he wasn't eating and was losing a lot of weight. 7 years later, he broke up with a long-time girlfriend and came and stayed with us for a week, saying he needed to be with people who cared about him. He told us later we saved him from doing something desperate. Ed always stays with us when he is in town, 2-3 times a year, and he considers our daughter like his own, and she's always adored him, and we all look forward to his visits.

Ed got engaged a few months ago and told us he would be getting married in Calgary in June. My husband, daughter, and I decided to make a week-long vacation out of the trip, since there would be 3 nights of events for the wedding. Also, Ed asked my husband to MC the reception, which my husband said he would gladly do.

We just got the wedding invitation and our daughter is not invited. My husband called Ed and asked if the wedding and reception is adults only and Ed said yes. He said kids can't be there "because they are serving alcohol" and my husband was kind of stunned so they hung up.

The problem isn't that the event is adults only - I get that. If the wedding were here in Victoria we would have no problem having our daughter stay with a friend and her family, or another trusted family we know, or even she could stay overnight if we needed two days, but we are going to be 700km away in Calgary.

Are we supposed to leave our 12-year-old alone at home in Victoria for 5-6 days? Or leave her in a hotel room by herself in a strange city for 3 nights? Or get a stranger/sitter to stay with her in the hotel room for 3 nights? None of these are options! And I would never burden our friends here to take our daughter for a week (and get her to school and back, make her lunches, etc.) unless it was an emergency!

We are hurt that Ed didn't give us the heads-up on this sooner before we made plans to all go to Calgary. Our daughter is sad and hurt, he should have talked to her and explained why she wasn't invited. Frankly we all feel bad about this. Ed and his future wife have made no provisions for out of town children of guests, either, in fact Ed said that children aren't even allowed near the building where the reception is being held!

So, we are going to politely decline. This invitation really doesn't sound like Ed at all, though, I hope his marriage works out but it seems like it's not starting out so great, a big red flag already.

I'm curious what you think of this situation!

Hmmm. Since when can't kids go to a wedding that serves alcohol?!

Every wedding I've ever been to has served alcohol and there have been kids there..... flower girls, ring bearers, guests children!

Sounds to me like it's just an excuse to save on the dinner bill, or to prevent people from bringing infants who may cry and
"disrupt" other guests or their filming of their wedding, if they were planning on doing that.

I do agree, that they went about it the wrong way.

Unfortunately I don't know anyone who lives in Calgary anymore. My niece used to, but they moved outside of the city when they built their house. Had she lived in the city, I would have asked her to look after your daughter for you. She's got 2 children that she home schools, and I swear, I've never seen 2 so well behaved and courteous children in my entire life! She may have failed in a lot of things when she was growing up, but she excels at motherhood!!

I hope you get things worked out and that this doesn't get in the way of your friendship.

I have been to a lot of weddings that did not allow children if alcohol is served, it depends on the way the place does their legal training for servers and if it is a free bar etc. But the ones I have been to have always made provisions for children of guests, in a separate room but at the venue with an entertainer for the children

It sounds as though the no children issue may well be the bride's decision which is her prerogative. I have attended weddings where they didn't want children and I actually understand. Having said that, Ed probably doesn't fully realize the impact on you folks and your daughter being far from home with no babysitter.

I would simply call Ed and explain the situation to him and ask him if he knows anyone well enough that would be safe to have look after your daughter. Perhaps she could stay with relatives of the bride or groom.

I wouldn't get too upset since most grooms don't have a lot of say in the wedding plans since it tends to be the bride's day.

I did not allow children at my wedding ceremony or reception. It's why my half-sister decided not to come, even though her husband was going to stay home and watch the kids. I did give everyone a heads up from the beginning of our planning though that this would be the case. Of course, my MIL invited someone and told her she was welcome to bring her children with her to our reception which looked unfair to the others (we didn't find out until she arrived, AND they got caught sneaking alcohol! Luckily it wasnt at a rented venue!).

I do believe they should have told you sooner, especially since it sounds like Ed would have normally invited your daughter to an event in his life such as that. Maybe you can talk to Ed about ideas on where your daughter may safely stay, maybe with other children of guests with a trusted adult.

So what if they're serving alcohol. Give her a wrist band or something so people know she's a minor and know not to serve her and there should be no problems. Not letting her come because she's underage is pretty stupid if you ask me.

Some weddings allow children some don't. It is unfortunate that this wedding is so far away. Have you asked Ed if there is someone he trusts to watch your daughter for the one evening?

I think you made the right decision not to go to the wedding. I don't understand having alcohol at the wedding prevents kids from being invited. Kids are invited to plenty of weddings with alcohol being served, the kids don't drink it tho. I just don't see the reason for it.

I am really surprised at Ed, he should have let your daughter come no matter what since you and family have done a lot for him in the past. This choice he has made could possibly sever your friendship and he would come out the loser.

Originally Posted by LaRussa

. I don't understand having alcohol at the wedding prevents kids from being invited. Kids are invited to plenty of weddings with alcohol being served, the kids don't drink it tho. I just don't see the reason for it.

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Some venues just do not allow children, I just booked a venue for work and had to sign off on legal responsibility for not having minors there - the whole place is over 18s only if serving alcohol.

It also often depends on whether food is being served too, if we had a sit down dinner in the same place, children are allowed, but as a reception, they are not. Since the youngest person attending will be a 24 y/o intern its not an issue for us - but I can certainly see it being a policy elsewhere, and not necessarily a decision made by the bride or groom to exclude children.

I've had probelms with people I had considered "family" when it came to weddings. I think people lose their good sense when they are planning a wedding.

I wouldn't go. They have a right to have no children, but you have a responsiblity to take care of your daughter and if you see no way of doing that AND being able to attend than you must do what you must do.

Its unfortunate that they chose a venue where they cannot have children attend because of whatever rules re: alchohol. Unfortunately her being "like" his daughter and actually "being" his daughter are two different things to him I guess. I feel bad for your daughter....hopefully she doesn't think all men are going to let her down like this. She is at a hard age to be dismissed like that.

You should let him know when/if you have to decline how hurt you all are. You thought you were his family and you don't treat family with such little regard on such a special day.

A lot of couples do not want children at their weddings, myself included. No children will be allowed at my wedding next year either. Its not anything against kids or families with kids, my fiancee and I would just prefer an adults only atmosphere on our wedding day. Also a lot of venues that serve alcohol do not allow children in the building, no exceptions. So it could also be the choice of venue that doesn't allow the kids. Its their wedding, their decision. Its unfortunate that the wedding is so far away for you which makes it difficult to find care for your daughter.

He has a responsibility to his fiancee and you have a responsibility to your child. Unfortunately it seems that these responsibilities conflict, but I do not think he intentionally made this decision to hurt you or your daughter.

If I were you I would politely decline the invitation and explain to him your situation. Hopefully no one's feelings, yours or his, will get hurt. I wouldn't hold this against your friend of 20+ years and I hope he wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't show up to his wedding.

Originally Posted by icklemiss21

Some venues just do not allow children, I just booked a venue for work and had to sign off on legal responsibility for not having minors there - the whole place is over 18s only if serving alcohol.

It also often depends on whether food is being served too, if we had a sit down dinner in the same place, children are allowed, but as a reception, they are not. Since the youngest person attending will be a 24 y/o intern its not an issue for us - but I can certainly see it being a policy elsewhere, and not necessarily a decision made by the bride or groom to exclude children.

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If it was that important to have them there he would have chose another venue. Its all about choices. If they were really considered "family" and were important enough to him he would have made it happen. I know I would want the most important people in my life at my wedding and my wedding would be planned accordingly.

Maybe he just doesn't realize how important this is to all of you.....I know it sounds silly, but some people really are that clueless. There is only one way to find out though, you'll need to talk to him about it. Its a hard thing to do.

Originally Posted by fisheater

A lot of couples do not want children at their weddings, myself included. No children will be allowed at my wedding next year either. Its not anything against kids or families with kids, my fiancee and I would just prefer adults only. Its their wedding, their decision. Its unfortunate that the wedding is so far away for you which makes it difficult to find care for your daughter.

If I were you I would politely decline the invitation and explain to him your situation. Hopefully no one's feelings, yours or his, will get hurt. I wouldn't hold this against your friend of 20+ years and I hope he wouldn't hold it against you if you didn't show up to his wedding.

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But if you had a 12 yr old child of your own would you not have them there?? I think thats what is so hard about this situation. He is like her family and made the decision to not include her. Its like saying your own kids can't come. A 12yr old is not going to make anymore of a fuss that a 22 yr old. They are old enough to have basic good manners.

I totally agree they should have told you sooner but I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be upset about the kid thing. This is why I never want to have a wedding, it seems that there are so many rules, or you can offend people, you have to do things a certain way or people talk bad about you or resent you and I never want to be put in that situation. So you end up spending thousands of dollars and have to do things everyone elseâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s way, or hurt peopleâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s feelings.

Maybe they are hard up on money, maybe the place they are holding it has strict rules on children. The beauty of friendship is that no matter what happens you know you love each other and sometimes have to put up with things you donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t like. I would just know he obviously loves and cares about your child and that has nothing to do with the situation.

Id politely decline and not take offence to it. I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t make your daughter feel it was an offense either so it doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t affect her negatively. Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s their wedding, in the long run they should be able to do what they want without people getting upset. 20 years friendship is a long time, Its rare and special, donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t change a thing or be offended.

Originally Posted by BaloneysMom

I totally agree they should have told you sooner but I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t be upset about the kid thing. This is why I never want to have a wedding, it seems that there are so many rules, or you can offend people, you have to do things a certain way or people talk bad about you or resent you and I never want to be put in that situation. So you end up spending thousands of dollars and have to do things everyone elseâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s way, or hurt peopleâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s feelings.

Maybe they are hard up on money, maybe the place they are holding it has strict rules on children. The beauty of friendship is that no matter what happens you know you love each other and sometimes have to put up with things you donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t like. I would just know he obviously loves and cares about your child and that has nothing to do with the situation.

Id politely decline and not take offence to it. I wouldnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t make your daughter feel it was an offense either so it doesnâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t affect her negatively. Itâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]s their wedding, in the long run they should be able to do what they want without people getting upset. 20 years friendship is a long time, Its rare and special, donâ€[emoji]8482[/emoji]t change a thing or be offended.

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I agree 100%

I think the bummer isn't in the wedding plans (though I agree with you Cat, hope it works out for him!) - no, the thoughtless part IMO was in not calling to say anything prior to sending the invitation.

...I guess he's got a lot of new things going on in his life and different priorities, and I'm sorry, I would find that a bit hurtful that there wasn't enough time or care to at least call before you got the invite.

He knew you made plans to travel up there as a family? Then that just sucks.

Thank you everyone for your insights.

We RSVP'd saying we were very sorry that we could not attend, but that we cannot leave our daughter at home alone, cannot leave her with friends for a week while we go out of town, that it's unsafe to leave her alone in the hotel in Calgary, and we do not know anybody in Calgary who we trust who could stay with her.

Ed wrote back saying, "You are some of my oldest and dearest friends and, since you both have seen me through so many bad times, I was hoping you'd both be here to celebrate the good ones as well."

He said that their nieces and nephews are the only kids that will be attending. (Since when does Ed lie? He told us yesterday that kids weren't allowed because of "liability issues"!) He wrote that they are having a family BBQ the day after the wedding, so the kids would be included (but we weren't invited to that!).

He said only 2 other people had a problem with the "no-kids" policy (I wonder if they are from out of the province, too, but really what does that have to do with anything?) and that they would have arranged a sitter for anybody who was "in a bind" but he tells us that AFTER we RSVP'd that we aren't coming. He said that the two of them discussed the matter over and over and again before sending out the invitations, but it's too bad he didn't think to even mention it to us once!

He ended by saying, "I am quite surprised, upset, and disappointed by your response."

WOW. Just wow.

Originally Posted by SwampWitch

WOW. Just wow.

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My opinion exactly!

You either allow kids or you don't! There is either a liability issue or there isn't!

Their young relatives can attend, but no other kids? Give me a break!

Sounds to me like it's a matter of cutting costs, not a liability issue at all. Kids add up to more meals required. That adds up to more money. People who attend weddings, tend to not give presentation on behalf of their children, so a couple with 3 kids in tow will likely give presentation for the 2 adults, while they consumed 5 plates.

I'm sorry your friend is such a butt-head.

How very - sad.

I'm sorry, but he should NOT expect you to attend when you have to travel, and they don't want kids at the wedding. It would be one thing if you lived in the same city, and you could get a sitter or leave your daughter alone for a few hours at home. I have never been to a "no kids" wedding, and actually, in my experience there is nothing better than little kids on a dance floor at a wedding reception!

It is absolutely his/his fiancee's prerogative to have a no kids policy, but I don't think he should be hurt that you aren't going. And to learn that there WILL be kids attending (his nieces/nephews)... that is just crappy. If he wanted you there that badly, he'd provide for your daughter. It sounds like you are a good friend to him, I hope this mess doesn't ruin your friendship.