How Soon is Too Soon for a Promise Ring?

My DD told me today that her boyfriend of 1 month had given her a promise ring. I asked her what she thought it meant (after I took several deep breaths to compose myself). She wasn't really sure, maybe it just meant that they really like each other. She said she'd told him that he needed to slow down, that things were going too fast between them---but she took the ring anyway. They haven't used the "L" word yet, either.

DD is 20, old enough to choose who she wants to date. Of course, in August she was planning her honeymoon with a different guywho it turned out lied to her constantly but that's another story. We haven't met this boy yet and haven't had any desire to meet him. At age 23 he has 4 alcohol related arrests (including 2 DUIs) and has gone thru a court ordered alcohol treatment program. There's also the fact that DD lied to me repeatedly about dating him for the first couple of weeks. Her Dad and I have both tried to tell her that while we have major concerns about a guy with that many arrests, it's really her attitude and her lying that have totally put us off meeting him for now.

The boyfriend's Mom is another story that I could use some input on, as well. He went with his last girlfriend for over a year (no promise ring involved, as far as DD knows). His Mom has pics of this girl and her son all over her facebook page, not just a pic taken here or there, but shot after shot after shot in the same locale, as if she had to capture every movement on film. Then there are the cute little captions---isn't she lovely, look at my son nibbling on her neck, why isn't she paying attention to my son in this pic, she's a keeper, my son made her laugh..... it goes on and on. It creeps me out big time, almost as if she was obsessed with her son's girlfriend.
I've actually asked DD to avoid this woman for now, at least until she knows her boyfriend better. She might be the nicest woman in the world, altho' she's in one pic with her son and past girlfriend and has captioned herself as "Mommy Dearest". YIkes.

So, isn't a month a little soon for a promise ring? Is the Mom overly involved in her son's life (no, he's not an only child). Am I creeped out for nothing?
I've had a bad feeling about DD dating this boy since I learned about it, and I'm not sure why. He has a good job and treats her very well; I just have a hinky feeling about it all, and my DH agrees that something just isn't right.

I guess I'd just like to know if this family sounds normal and we're the ones with the problem. Any thoughts?

This would concern me as well. One month and a promise ring? I would consider a promise ring to be a pre-engagement. That is pretty serious stuff. I would consider the mother's behavior to be inappropriate as well! I can certainly see why you would be concerned. I guess I don't have much to offer for advice- but your concerns seem very valid to me.

I would consider a promise ring to be a pre-engagement.

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That was my thought, as well. It seems too much, too soon. Maybe that behaviour comes from his Mom; she strikes me as being overly-possessive.

I'm just trying to make sure that I"m not blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

Yikes. Sounds like the mom and maybe the son have obsessive problems. Who the heck would give a ring after 1 month. A promise ring is a promise for future engagement.

I don't know what to say...maybe they are just young and stupid..hopefully that is. (Not that your DD is stupid, but you know what I mean?)

It does sound like there are some issues there that are huge red flags. Unfortunately it really isn't anyone's business other than your daughter and the guy she's dating. She's old enough to decide and choose for herself, and she's also old enough to live with the consequences of her decisions. Unfortunately sometimes the only way we learn our lessons is through getting burned and hurt.

The best thing you can do is to support your daughter and be there when she needs you. Telling her not to date him, or talking badly about him will only push her toward him even more in an effort to prove you all wrong.

I know.... I was in a very destructive relationship at that age, and the more my family told me he was bad news etc, the more I gravitated toward him to the point of getting engaged and having planned a wedding date. Fortunately the closer that date got, the more sane I became and finally I broke up with him on my own. But that was only after my family stopped dissing him to me.

If your daughter lied to you about dating him, maybe she isn't comfortable with you knowing him in the first place because she doesn't have any plans of a future with him. If that's the case, I wouldn't be worried. I know sometimes I've kept some of my boyfriends secret from my parents but they were just temporary flings and I knew it wouldn't go anywhere, so why concern them since they all weren't the kinds of guys my parents would want me to end up with. So I just said to myself, save them the trouble lol..
But I agree it is too soon for a promise ring. Maybe he doesn't take it too seriously though?

If your daughter lied to you about dating him, maybe she isn't comfortable with you knowing him in the first place because she doesn't have any plans of a future with him.

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I honestly think she lied--repeatedly--because she knew her Dad and I would not be happy. She's asked us to meet him several times since then; she does that every time she dates a guy. Her Dad & I have to meet the new guy immediately for some reason. Maybe deep down she actually wants our approval, I don't know. It bothers me to a point that we've taken such a hard-nosed approach about meeting him, but again, it's not so much because of his lengthy arrest record as it is that she's been so dishonest with us. We feel that meeting him is tantamount to giving our approval, and we just aren't there yet.

The best thing you can do is to support your daughter and be there when she needs you. Telling her not to date him, or talking badly about him will only push her toward him even more in an effort to prove you all wrong.

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Oh, I know. I was in the same boat myself as a teenager, so I'm trying my best to keep my disapproving comments to a bare minimum. I have tried to tell her, tho', that it's extremely obvious that this boy has a problem with alcohol and that a drinker doesn't just quit overnight (although, of course, he's told her he doesn't drink anymore---at least not when they're together). He does, however, belong to a tavern's volleyball team and hangs out there after matches and also belongs to a group that celebrates 'Margarita Mondays' at a local pizza joint.
Sounds fishy to me.

It's hard to know what she is thinking even if you have a close relationship ...Your daughter is at an age where she is old enough not to need your approval and I'm sure she knows that, I think that's why she is resorting to lying because she would rather not hear you disapprove... The only thing you can do is hope that she knows what she is doing and doesn't do anything too naive but I'm afraid to say there isn't much you can do. Even if you aren't being controlling or mean, she may still not want to talk about it..But there is still a chance I think that she didn't want your approval because he doesn't mean as much to her as it appears.

Forgive me for not reading everyone else's replies; but I'm about to run to fix dinner.

The first thing that scares me about a gift like that so fast is, was it given as a means of control? Is he expecting something in return?

I don't know exactly how I'd feel regarding his mother if I were in your shoes, but it would bother me. If I were your daughter; I'd not want those pictures up anymore for sure! It's nice that she seems to have had some sort of friendship with the girl; but where does that leave your daughter?

I hope she can get a clear view of things for herself soon and give you some peace of mind!

The first thing that scares me about a gift like that so fast is, was it given as a means of control? Is he expecting something in return?

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DD and I actually talked about that today. I tried ever-so-gently to let her know that this may be a way of taking things a little further than she's ready to go. I've told her that I can't tell her what to do, just that she needs to be aware that there could be an ulterior motive involved. Even tho she's 20, she is terribly naive and asked what I meant. I finally had to put it in much more graphic terms before her eyes got big and she said, "Well, that's not going to happen!"
I didn't tell her this, but I do see this ring as a means of controlling her. He was with his last girlfriend for over a year before she broke it off. Maybe he's still on the rebound and trying to make sure it doesn't happen again.

I guess I am in the ABNORMAL here---my current hubby, gave me a promise ring after only a month of us dating.
We have been together for over 14 years and married for over 12.

That is just really creepy and weird (the boy's mother). DD is over 18 and you can only advice her so much. Pray that she makes the right choice and opens her eyes soon to what might be going on.

TBH it's always too soon for a promise ring in my opinion. A ring as a promise to get engaged seems kind of silly to me. If you're going to spend money on a promise ring then you might as well get an engagement ring. It makes no sense at all to be engaged to be engaged....


That being said... I'd never take anyone seriously who made such a huge committement like that so nonchalantly. Do neither of them realize what a promise ring actually stands for, according to most people?

To crittermom - I don't think you are abnormal, you were probably just ready at 1 month into dating. If I had to assume anything, I'd assume that the two of you were already proclaiming your love for the other one.




Everything being said...she's 20 years old and of course capable of making her own decisions. Just remember that sometimes even if a decision may seem bad to others, it could just turn out to be the best decision she ever made and she could beat all of the statistics. The best thing you can do is support her and offer your well-meaning opinion on everything she asks you for.

Originally Posted by Nekomania

A ring as a promise to get engaged seems kind of silly to me. If you're going to spend money on a promise ring then you might as well get an engagement ring. It makes no sense at all to be engaged to be engaged....

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I so agree with that!

Originally Posted by Nekomania

TBH it's always too soon for a promise ring in my opinion. A ring as a promise to get engaged seems kind of silly to me. If you're going to spend money on a promise ring then you might as well get an engagement ring. It makes no sense at all to be engaged to be engaged....

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I thought promise rings were high school things, don't know anyone in a 'grown up' relationship who would be engaged to be engaged.

Originally Posted by missymotus

I thought promise rings were high school things, don't know anyone in a 'grown up' relationship who would be engaged to be engaged.

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I agree with that. The guy I was dating in high school gave me one (with my parents' approval, I accepted it). We had been together for over a year at that point.

We did breakup, though, after 2.5 years of dating. We're both married to other people, but we remain friends (not best friends...my best friend is my DH).

As far as your daughter goes...maybe I wasn't sheltered enough growing up, or maybe I'm just a bit jaded (no pun intended), but at 20 I only had my boyfriend meet my parents just because it was the thing to do.

However, because my parents tried to shelter me SO much, I had a hard time with the idea that I was an adult who could make my own decisions. It took me a couple of years to outgrow that and I think being away from home for college was the only reason I was able to do so (I didn't even tell my mom I went to bars until I was 23-24).

Heck, I still have to remind myself that I'm MARRIED and able to make decisions that my parents don't have to approve.

I'm sure my DD had no idea what a serious move a promise ring is "supposed" to be. How can you be engaged to be engaged when you haven't even said you love the other person?

I mentioned to her that I didn't think it was this particular boy that had captured her attention so completely, that it was more the fact that she had a steady boyfriend who spent money on her and treated her well. To my horror (which I didn't show her) she didn't disagree. Lately she has become fixated on weddings; she told me recently that she has to be married by the time she's 25. I think at the beginning of this 'relationship' she was the agressor; now that the bf has become the agressor I think she doesn't know how to slow things down.

DH told me a week ago that one day soon DD would come in the house and say, "We're engaged." When he got home last night I told him he was THIS CLOSE to being right; all he could do was shake his head.

I also wonder sometimes if the fact that her Dad and I were married exactly 4 months after our first date is affecting her 'timetable'. It's hard to point out to DD that a month is too soon to be getting a ring when, obviously, her Dad and I didn't take things slowly at all.

I'm still more concerned about the possessive/obsessive nature of the whole situation, especially where the bf's Mom is concerned. Supposedly, the bf and the former gf broke up because she went off to college. Helloooo, the college she's attending is 25 minutes away. I can't help wondering if bf's Mom's attentiveness to her son's love life scared the former gf off.

You said that he was arrested 4 alcohol related crimes...two of which were DUI's...were either of the others violent crimes? 1 month for a promise ring is very soon for an adult relationship(though more so of the norm for highschool age). It sounds to me that your daughter is a bit put off by the ring herself since she told her boyfriend they need to slow down. A promise ring does usually prelude engagement, which is why i find it odd that they have yet to say "i love you" to eachother so perhaps her boyfriend is unaware of what a promise ring means and just thought it sounded good. (sometimes people do things like this to impress someone they want to fall for them)

Either way, you have to allow her to make her mistakes no matter HOW hard it is for you to see her hurt. Wether this guy turns out to be a good guy, or a scumbag you daughter has to come to this conclusion with no interferance from her parents. The more you push her to get away the farther you push her into his arms. Trust her and all you have taught her. She will make the right decision. In the mean time...meet him. You could be wrong about him.

As for his mom....she sounds pretty creepy to me. But maybe she just is trying to appear cool on facebook...sadly it is just coming across as weird.

You said that he was arrested 4 alcohol related crimes...two of which were DUI's...were either of the others violent crimes?

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The other 2 alcohol related arrests were for an under age drinking party(which I believe also included a 'failure to reduce speed to avoid an accident' charge) and public drunkeness. DH actually works with 2 young women who went to school with the bf; one of them told DH that the bf would throw temper tantrums in school if he didn't get his way. The other woman told DH she'd heard the bf had an arrest for carrying a concealed weapon but that she didn't know the particulars. I know this is all hear-say, but neither of these women like the guy and couldn't believe DD was actually going out with him.

Well, when I was 18 the guy I had been dating for about 7 months gave me a promise ring. We continued to date for another 18 months, and at that time the promise ring meant everything to me. Of course he ended up being a controlling *$$, but ya know....

I would say a month is too soon. But I guess it depends on what value they put on the ring. If she was able to reasonably and rationally talk to you about it, she doesn't seem like the girl that's going to be running off to Vegas anytime soon.... And it doesn't sound like the BF has any irrational expectations this soon.

As for the mother thing, you have every right to be a little creeped out. And your DD would do well to air on the side of caution there as well. After all, she's not only dating the guy, but his family too. I've had an overly controlling mother completely ruin a relationship before (wow, I have too many bad examples in my life, ).