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Should I be worried - no proposal after 10 years? - Page 2

post #31 of 46
Travis and I were together 4 years when we got engaged and lived together for 2. I knew that he would propose at the right time and we both knew we wanted to marry each other. We also knew that we weren't about to rush into anything unless we are financially stable. We have now been engaged for a year and a half and have JUST started wedding plans. We wanted to wait for the right time. We both have college educations and very steady jobs and now is the right time for us.

Why would you want to rush into this? I understand you have been together for so long but why go into something just to make it official? That's how Travis and I are looking at it. Why rush when we are happy how we are and the wedding will just make it official

Just my 2 cents....

By the way, we are 22!
post #32 of 46
You know, the funny thing is that just recently, it was noted that the marriage rate had fallen way off in the UK, allegedly because of their welfare laws. But we heard just this week that marriage is way up in Sweden.
post #33 of 46
At 22, I felt pressured to marry the man I was living with at the time. I was married at 23 and divorced at 26 and I'm surprised we made it that long. We married for all the wrong reasons, and some of them I hear in your questions. Don't get married simply because you've already been together for 10 years and living together for 3. Get married when you are absolutely sure that you can make a lifelong commitment to each other.

My current marriage has lasted over 18 years. We made the commitment to each other and then I asked him to marry me. I wouldn't have asked if I didn't know the answer in advance. If you don't know his answer if you asked him today, it's not time.
post #34 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweets View Post
You are 22 yrs old with no high school diploma, "decent" jobs and you are worried because you don't have a ring on your finger? You have a long life ahead of you! Go back and get your GED and a CAREER before you think about marraige and kids. How will you talk your kids into staying in school if you didn't? (You always want better for your kids)
I would definatly say we both have a career. We both knew what we wanted to do at a young age. My partner left school as soon as he could and went straight in to an excellent job and has moved around to move on up and better himself in his career.
I stayed on at school a few years longer to get A levels and then started working in something I have always wanted to do and have moved on up in my role too.
Both of us would never go back to school or college or University. All of our friends are still in uni and we are already a lot futher than they will be and without the debt it causes.
As I had said quite early on in the thread, we both knew we wanted to be together and knew what we had to do to get there.
We are now the youngest people we know who own a place in an extremly expensive part of England and that is something that a lot of 30+ year olds are finding extremly difficult to do.
We worked towards that by knowing how much debt that university costs and knew that as we didnt want to be lawyers or docters, university was not a requirement and we have got an excellent head start in life long careers.

Its a shame he hasnt proposed yet. If I was not christian, then we could be just life long partners. But I want it to be spiritual. I knew that he was 100% athiest when I met him, and thought that it wasnt going to be as important to him.
I know it would be important to him to do before we have children, but as that is a long way off then I can understand that he hasnt seen it as a priority yet.
I dont want to end up as another addition to the statistics that are flying around the news about how marriage is dropping in england.

I think that it was a good idea us living together before getting engaged now, unlike how I thought before, but it has been a longer wait than I had expected, and wanted.

I just feel it is one peice missing out of my life right now. I do not feel 100% complete and that is upsetting.

I write these things mostly in tears, so it is affecting me, and I really wish it didnt.

If I didnt get this affected by it then I am sure i wouldnt want it to happen in the first place
post #35 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy View Post
Travis and I were together 4 years when we got engaged and lived together for 2. I knew that he would propose at the right time and we both knew we wanted to marry each other. We also knew that we weren't about to rush into anything unless we are financially stable. We have now been engaged for a year and a half and have JUST started wedding plans. We wanted to wait for the right time. We both have college educations and very steady jobs and now is the right time for us.

Why would you want to rush into this? I understand you have been together for so long but why go into something just to make it official? That's how Travis and I are looking at it. Why rush when we are happy how we are and the wedding will just make it official

Just my 2 cents....

By the way, we are 22!

Exactly, we are 22 almost 23, financial stable and have lived together for 3 years. I dont see that as a rush and its not like we would rush in to marriage. That is why I wanted a proposal sometime soon so that we could enjoy it and plan a wedding at a later date and not rush into anything immediately.
post #36 of 46
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
You know, the funny thing is that just recently, it was noted that the marriage rate had fallen way off in the UK, allegedly because of their welfare laws. But we heard just this week that marriage is way up in Sweden.
I do believe that marriage rates have dropped in the UK recently, but not as much as what the media make out.

The main reason for this is that the figures do not count the marriages going on abroad, and seeing as an awful lot of people in the uk are now deciding to get married abroad, this will knock on the figures.
It is very expensive to get married in the uK and many people can save quite a lot by having a smaller occasion abroad
post #37 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by davecat View Post
It's a shame he hasn't proposed yet. If I was not Christian, then we could be just life long partners. But I want it to be spiritual. I knew that he was 100% athiest when I met him, and thought that it wasn't going to be as important to him.
i figured this was the case - it's your faith that is leading you towards marriage. i completely understand - personally, i wouldn't live w/someone, since it's my belief Christianity teaches against it [my church, anyway].
i'm not advocating you desert this man - you obviously love him. but there's a reason for the verse in 2nd Corinthians [6:14] - it's to prevent
problems like this which can arise when these choices are made.
i really think you need to make it clear to him what your feelings are. men are notoriously unable to discern what we're thinking - they are [for the most part] quite concrete in their thinking - you have to TELL them!
post #38 of 46
Well it sounds like you have an amazing love and life with impeccable careers, frankly if you have everything going for you I'm not sure I'd want to get married ASAP, enjoy your charmed life while you got it honey. I wish you all the best in your next 60+ years.

I wish I could have left school early and landed a dream job where I make good money. I'm working my butt off like loads of other people with too much school debt, a mortgage etc...and I don't even have kids.


good luck
post #39 of 46
A few things to keep in mind. By living together, there is NO incentative for marriage. You've given him all he wants without the legal benefit, so why should he marry you? He can walk away any time he wants with no legal ramifications.

What would happen if you told him that you wanted to live apart till you had a marriage certificate?
post #40 of 46
I have been married twice, widowed once after 3 weeks, ran the second one off when he threatened our daughter, and am still legally married to him as far as I know. My current partner and I were friends for 7 years before we became a couple. 23+ years later we still refer to ourselves as happily unmarried. Marriage is a piece of paper that does not require you to be civil if you ever break up. We reassess our marital situation periodically, and if there ever becomes a good reason, we will marry. Now we are going by "if it ain't broke, don't fix it." We do honestly believe that we are each other's true husband and wife in every way but legally. We have no mutual children, I have a daughter that that thinks of him as her dad.
Best of luck in whatever happens in your case. I hope it works our the way you want it to.
post #41 of 46
Just by the by, here in Texas, it's very easy to fall into "common-law marriage" without even meaning to. If you've ever introduced yourselves as "Mr. and Mrs.," the law considers you married. If you ever sign anything (including the guest register at a hotel) as "Mr. and Mrs.," you're married. If either party thinks you're married (fake priest or justice of the peace), you're married.

And under those circumstances, you have the same rights as a married person, including community property rights in case of a break-up.
post #42 of 46
My husband and I are 21 and 22. We got together at 17 (I was twelve days shy of 18) and 19. He's the only real boyfriend I had, as well. I had previous experiences that didn't fare too well for me, and learned those people had "qualities" I didn't want in life. Six months after we got together, I had moved the 200 miles to be with him. This was almost 3 years ago, now.

I didn't really know when he was going to propose to me. I expected 4 or 5 years into the relationship, even though we talked about it from about the time I moved in until the actual proposal. By 8 months into our relationship, he had put me on his bank account (something he never would have done with any previous gf's he had). I didn't even have a job (I assume he trusted me that much!) On our two year anniversary, he proposed to me. He had already asked what kind of ring I wanted ... for over a year That was one of the reasons I had no idea when he was going to do it. We got married a year later, on our 3 year anniversary of being together.

His cousin has been engaged for almost 3 years now (they were engaged about 6 months into the relationship). She wanted a long engagement, I believe it was because she wanted to graduate from a 4 year college before marriage. She graduated a short time ago, and their wedding is in August.

I dont think though that there is a certain amount of time one needs to be with someone before the question is popped. If Rob hadn't asked me yet, and we were still just boyfriend/girlfriend, I would still be fine. We would probably still be talking about marriage in the future, and making sure we still have the same goals in life. We signed a contract Thursday to have our house built - 21 & 22 with a mortgage payment - better than anyone we know. We both have great jobs as well. So there is a similarity with you! If you two are still together and you know that you love one another deeply, there doesn't need to be a rush on marriage.

Is there anything in his career that he wants to have accomplished before marriage? Any specific goal he might have? I just think you need to talk about it and be sure you have the same goals in life still. I also advise waiting on moving to another home though until you've figured all this out! You are at a place right now where you are already doing better than most people you know, especially at your age!
post #43 of 46
Thread Starter 
He saw me crying the other day and I explained a little more deeply in to how I have been feeling lately.

He doesnt really say much back. He tells me he doesnt like upsetting me and that he hates seeing me like this. And then he said that he doesnt know why he thinks of it as such a big scarey thing.

Its strange though. I get such mixed signals from him.
We could be walking past a jewellry shop and he will be looking at all the rings with me asking what I like and pointing out what he likes too. But thats nothing new.

I think I might have also realised another thing that might be causing me to feel this way, which is that we do not have an anniversairy of any kind. Seeing as we knew eachother so young, we went from best friends to girlfriend and boyfriend at a point that neither of us had realised.

My mum says that we should create an anniversairy for us, which was something he had agreed to. But he never has.
And when I have mentioned to him that this never happened, he says he doesnt see the point in a made up date.
Which I also agree with really.

I think that might be why I want a proposal, as that can then be my special day for a while.

Does that make sense?

Maybe I am just mental.
post #44 of 46
I totally get that. DH and I slipped quickly and easily from flirting to dating and neither of us noted the date. After our second "break" it was significant enough that I wanted to mark the date we got back together... guess what... I don't remember when it was. The closest we had was a month. Now, I remember the exact date he proposed (as does he) and it was cemented into our memories even more by the fact that his grandmother passed away on that date one year later. We weren't engaged long enough to celebrate that date but we are fast approaching our first wedding anniversary and I'm very much looking forward to it (even if I do have a final that night).

Have you let him know that you'r ok with a long engagement? Maybe that will help ease him into this.
post #45 of 46
I'm still suggesting that the two of you live apart for awhile and see how things change. Too much is being taken for granted on both sides. Maybe some physical time apart will get him to realize if both of you really want a marriage!
post #46 of 46
Quote:
Originally Posted by davecat View Post
My mum says that we should create an anniversairy for us, which was something he had agreed to.
Make your anniversary the day you started going out with each other, that's what Gil and i do.

I know it's upsetting you, but sadly you may have to accept that he doesn't want to get married, because the more it's mentioned it may push him away?
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