It's humbling to come out here this morning and find such an outpouring of care and concern, both here and in PMs. I talked again with Pookie-Poo last night, and several other people have given me their phone numbers, too. I'm so glad to have them... even if I never need to use them, they're there, and that's a comfort.
And someone has also given me a membership for awhile, so I can take some of this very personal stuff into a more private place. I hated putting it all out there in public, but I was so desperate... I had
to talk to you guys. To that dear sweet PL angel...
Swampwitch, your speculations are very interesting... I've been turning them over in my mind to see if maybe I've been viewing my brother's actions all wrong, not giving him as much credit as he deserves. And it may be that some of what my brother has said and done is
driven by grief -- grief he is shoving aside and replacing with vicious insults and sarcasm, two familiar weapons he's very good with. It would be morally insupportable, but emotionally understandable if that's the case.
When Papa died, Mom begged my brother to put his hatred of me on hold and "be good," and with obvious effort, he did. He handled his role in the wake and the funeral just beautifully, and we were so grateful for that. We hoped it might mark a turning point, and he might be his best
self from then on. And his best self is so wonderful! He has it in him to be the most amazing man, and his friends see that all the time. But he won't be that man for us, because he despises
word, repeated often over the past three years.)
But no, there was no turning point. A few days after the funeral, I was fair game again. What my brother did last Sunday was no different from the usual (aside from the hand injury). It just hurt worse, I guess, because Mom and I are still so raw from losing Papa, and because I'm no longer taking my antidepressant.
But I'll see about getting back on something. Strange, isn't it, that I was able (barely) to handle my father's death
without medication, but a few cruel words from my brother...
Anyway... I thank you all so much for your patience with me and all my dramas these past couple of months. I think I'm all right now. And I will stay away from my brother until I've gotten back on something to help me cope.