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How would you guys feel?

post #1 of 25
Thread Starter 
Ok. so my (ex) best friend & i met thru my boyfriends friend Shawn. they had been bf/gf for a long time. soon we became bffs. after about a year, they broke up, which i was kind of upset about. but her and i remained friends of course. she continued to live with him for about a month after the break up. after that she moved out, & i was shocked to hear the day she moved out she had a new bf, which happens to be shawns ex-step brother which i think is really messed up. anyway. she wound up getting pregnant soon afterward, & the day she found out she told me & of course i was very excited for her. i said im so happy for you & i cant wait to be Aunt Crystal. she said well your going to be more than "aunt crystal" i want u to be godmom. of course i was so0o excited! well, a couple weeks later she lost the baby. i felt horrible but she was extremely depressed about the whole thing. i tried to make her feel better but with a situation like that there really isnt much u can do to make someone feel better after that. after that she kept saying, "when i get pregnant again your still gunna b godmom right?" & i always said yes that i couldnt wait. well, she is 5 months pregnant now, & weve been talking about me being godmom all this time & i couldnt wait bc i knew i would b such a good god mother( im already godmom to my bfs sisters son)

well, i woke up on monday to a text message on my phone from her, saying the last thing i expected. "well this weekend i was talking to my mom & i think it would be better if i make my sister godmom bc she is my sister & your already godmom to robbie & she isnt to anyone so i thought it would be nice" she stated she understood if i was mad. but i was more than mad, i was furious & so upset i couldnt stop myself, & the tears kept coming. i wrote her back telling her how messed up it was to take something like that from her bff, knowing how excited i was about it, also saying she was planning on having more kids & to make her sister godmom to her next baby, & just bc i already have a godson doesnt mean i cant have more godchildren. in the heat of the moment i told her i didnt wanna be her friend anymore bc of that. & this is someone ive been friends with for a long time & have never had an arguement with her. i completely meant the statement that i didnt wanna b her friend too unless she changed her mind about it which is what i was hoping for. well she responded saying that it was her sister & she would rather her sister b godmom, & it was her descision, her baby, & she would do what she wanted & that her mind was made up. she said she was hoping i would understand but if i couldnt thats how it would b. ever since she has been with this new guy she hasnt been coming over as much, when she used to come ove EVERY SINGLE DAY, & lately its been more like 1x a week if that. her bf will sit outside my house or drive by a million times calling her again n again begging her to leave & actually CRYING cuz she is with me. the way i look at it is shes been friends with me longer than she has been with him so i thought if she was gunna pick someone she would pick me. WRONG!! & i have a strong feeling that he is the cause of her changing her mind. she worships him & does everything he says even though i tried to get her to leave him bc the way he acts its like hes psychotic, & was actually the cause of her first miscarriage, from stressing her out for her coming here to hang out w/ me when shawn (the ex) would be here too. ive been thinking about her ever since & im really sad i broke off our friendship. but im the type of person who forgives very easily, & because of that ppl tend to walk all over me all the time. i refuse to let ANYONE (even her) get away with it anymore. i really do believe it is her choice, but her choice was me, & all of a sudden that changes, out of nowhere, & something like that isnt something u just change for NO REASON. when she told me before she would never change that(bfs sis wanted to b godmom, but she told me that she would never change godmoms)

Sorry this is so long but i wanted to tell everything so you all would understand the situation. Do u guys think i over reacted to this? or would you all do the same?
post #2 of 25
oook..how old are you guys?
post #3 of 25
Well... I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. I do understand how the reversal must have hit you. But maybe you'll feel better if you think a little more deeply about it...

To me, the relationships you describe sound immature and destructive for the parties involved. I especially have to question your friend's choice in men -- if her partner is so intensely dependent on her that he sits outside your house crying until she comes out, there's something very seriously wrong with them and their relationship. I know you see that, too.

Please forgive me, but I feel your expectation that she should give you priority over her child's father based on having known you longer is unreasonable. Friendship and romance are different, and are not mutually exclusive (among rational adults)... and even aside from that, she has to consider her baby and the family life she hopes to build. It doesn't sound like she has the greatest guy in the world to work with, but you can't blame her for trying to make a stable home for her child.

As for who she chooses as godmother to her baby: that is not an honor that you bestow for the sake of the godparent, but a major legal and moral choice that you make for the welfare of your child.

It is absolutely reasonable that she should choose her sister, a blood relative, over any friend. From the way you describe her repeated requests to you, I suspect that she was feeling insecure, seeking emotional reassurance from you... and perhaps now has gained greater confidence (maybe through her mother's counsel) and is thinking more seriously about this very significant decision for her child's life.

I hope you can step back from your hurt feelings and see the larger picture... and maybe see more clearly the emotional immaturity that has led to this point. The issues are adult, but some of the attitudes are highschool, y'know? Maybe you can take the high road, set a more mature example, and help your friend and her partner develop a more grown-up attitude, as well.

Good luck to you and your friend.

______

P.S. --

I just re-read your post, and I want to add... you called yourself a very forgiving person, but you seemed to consider it a weakness that you need to change, so people won't "walk all over" you.

But I believe that being able to truly forgive is the greatest strength in the world. Forgiveness eases the burden of both the forgiver and the forgiven, relieves the pain of one and the soul-consuming anger of the other, and leaves both parties emotionally richer and more humane for the experience. Please... don't stop forgiving.
post #4 of 25
Carol gave you excellent advice!

Being a Godmother/Godfather is not an "honourary" thing. It's a huge responsibility and obligation. Basically the Godmother/Godfather have a moral obligation to take in the child and raise it as their own in the event that somethig happens to the child's mother and father.

I am a Godmother to my friend's son, who is now an adult. However when he was a little guy I had someone else ask me to be Godmother of their daughter. I had to refuse because I knew that on the outside chance that something happened to my 2 friends and their spouses, that there was no way that I could possibly manage to care for 2 young children, nor did I want to. One was plenty!

Also, as a Godmother, I felt a responsibility to make sure that my Godson was happy and healthy and that meant that if I saw that my friend was short of money when she was a single parent, that I would help her out financially, and also take her son off her hands for the occasional weekend so that she could have some time away and do some adult type things.

My friend is very proud and would never come to me directly for money, but I always knew when she was short of cash, and we kind of had a system. A borrowed purse with $50.00 tucked into the pocket, and when returned, minus the $50.00. I'd leave her money under a placemat or in her cupboard on top of her plates or on her dresser where I was sure she would find it. No thanks was ever given and none was ever expected. It was just something we did.
post #5 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolPetunia View Post
Well... I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt. I do understand how the reversal must have hit you. But maybe you'll feel better if you think a little more deeply about it...

To me, the relationships you describe sound immature and destructive for the parties involved. I especially have to question your friend's choice in men -- if her partner is so intensely dependent on her that he sits outside your house crying until she comes out, there's something very seriously wrong with them and their relationship. I know you see that, too.

Please forgive me, but I feel your expectation that she should give you priority over her child's father based on having known you longer is unreasonable. Friendship and romance are different, and are not mutually exclusive (among rational adults)... and even aside from that, she has to consider her baby and the family life she hopes to build. It doesn't sound like she has the greatest guy in the world to work with, but you can't blame her for trying to make a stable home for her child.

As for who she chooses as godmother to her baby: that is not an honor that you bestow for the sake of the godparent, but a major legal and moral choice that you make for the welfare of your child.

It is absolutely reasonable that she should choose her sister, a blood relative, over any friend. From the way you describe her repeated requests to you, I suspect that she was feeling insecure, seeking emotional reassurance from you... and perhaps now has gained greater confidence (maybe through her mother's counsel) and is thinking more seriously about this very significant decision for her child's life.

I hope you can step back from your hurt feelings and see the larger picture... and maybe see more clearly the emotional immaturity that has led to this point. The issues are adult, but some of the attitudes are highschool, y'know? Maybe you can take the high road, set a more mature example, and help your friend and her partner develop a more grown-up attitude, as well.

Good luck to you and your friend.

______

P.S. --

I just re-read your post, and I want to add... you called yourself a very forgiving person, but you seemed to consider it a weakness that you need to change, so people won't "walk all over" you.

But I believe that being able to truly forgive is the greatest strength in the world. Forgiveness eases the burden of both the forgiver and the forgiven, relieves the pain of one and the soul-consuming anger of the other, and leaves both parties emotionally richer and more humane for the experience. Please... don't stop forgiving.

Very VERY well said, Carol.
post #6 of 25
Linda and Carol have both said it wonderfully. It's not like being a Maid of Honor or a bridesmaid for a wedding. Being a Godmother is a huge responsibility, not just a title. You're a second role model in that child's life.

If you're thinking about her and want to clear the air, I would call her up for coffee and have a heart to heart. Explain your feelings, that you miss her as a friend and wish that you could see her more often and that being told via a textmessage (which IMO is just rude...but probably w/o her realizing) really just topped the cake for you on everything that has been happening since she's been with her new boyfriend.

If your friend returns the open heart, be respectful and listen. Don't interrupt, don't correct her, cause that's what being a friend is. Being a friend isn't talking back and forth via a textmessage and saying nasty things.

Without knowing the history behind Shawn and his ex-step brother...perhaps there is some resentment between them and your best friend just added to the situation between them.
post #7 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by okiron View Post
oook..how old are you guys?
You know...I am contantly amazed at the stupid stuff people do to make their lives more difficult and to make the lives of everyone they are around more difficult.

Would it be too radical to expect people to buy a clue and get some maturity?
post #8 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrblanche View Post
You know...I am contantly amazed at the stupid stuff people do to make their lives more difficult and to make the lives of everyone they are around more difficult.

Would it be too radical to expect people to buy a clue and get some maturity?
you think i need more maturity because i want to know how old they are?
post #9 of 25
I would be upset, too. You offered to do something very important for her and her child and it feels awful to reach out with your heart and be turned down, especially when it was accepted at first, then rejected.

But ultimately this is her choice, and it sounds like her mom put the guilt on pretty heavy for her to choose her sister. (The change was made after she talked to her mom, right?)

To answer your questions, I don't think you over-reacted, but I would not have done the same thing. (I would have felt the same way, though, very hurt and disappointed.) She really should have talked to you in person, too.

What to do now? Take the high road. Tell her you will still be her friend, and you hope everything goes well with her pregnancy and baby. Personally, I'd leave it at that. If there are any future invitations coming from her, you can decide then if you want to see her or not.

What does godparent mean to you? For some, a godparent is responsible for the child's religious upbringing. For others, a godparent will adopt the child if the parents are killed. The first one doesn't change the godparent's life; the second one definitely will.

Some day you may look back on this and be very glad you were not chosen as godparent. Life seems to work out that way.

Remember that your feelings are valid. We can't control our feelings. We can only control what we say and do. I hope things work out for you.
post #10 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by okiron View Post
oook..how old are you guys?
Her profile says she's 21.
post #11 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by SwampWitch View Post
Her profile says she's 21.
yanno, i never think to look at peoples profiles lmao. i should.
post #12 of 25
Thread Starter 
Im 21 shes 19 & her bf is like 23 or something. i never really expected her to CHOOSE between us, but i kno that he is then one who convinced her to change her mind about who she has chosen for godmother. if she had chosen her sister from the getgo, i would have never gotten mad. but instead she chose me & then ripped that away from me. i never thought it was an "honorary" thing, i never once said that i did. i kno that being a godmother is a great responsibility, and a responsibility i was very willing to take, if godforbid anything happened to them. about them establishing a "family" life, for now, it isnt going to happen. she keeps moving in & out of his house, right now she is back with her parents, & im sure soon enough she will be right back in his house. the reason she keeps moving is because, 1) his house is DISGUSTINGLY dirty, from what she says(he still lives with his mother). 2) even she truely believes he is psychotic. 3) he is constantly trying to control her life, because HE is the one who is the most immature out of us all(& im really not immature, i never was), & he is very insecure. when she would come over and talk to me about him, she would always say stuff about how she would have to sneak out & come over to hang out with me whenever they get their own house, because she knew he would have her on lockdown. now that isnt a relationship i consider healthy, if hes trying to keep her from her friends. & the fact that he wants to be the only person in her life, & he wants her to be the only person in his life (not including family of course) is just wrong. one thing i forgot to mention is that her ex, who i mentioned in the earlier post, fell upon hard times & now lives with us (we live with my bfs parents). bc of this, it made her current bf even more insecure about her coming here to hang out with me. but he (shawn) works during the week, from 3-12 at night. so she would come over while he was at work, if she decided to grace us with her presence. but lately everytime i invite her over, she makes an excuse, saying her & bf are going to the movies, or something, but she always said if they wound up not going that she would come over. then she would tell me a few days later when she finally came over that they never went to the movies. & she literally cut her time with me in half, when before she would come here at about 7pm or something & be here til 2am, she starting only staying for an hour or 2. i just dont feel like she is in a healthy relationship, she has been cutting me out of her life ever since she has been with him, bc he doesnt like me. & he truely has no right to not like me, he doesnt kno me at all & has only met me a few times. i feel like he will be a good father, bc he already has a child with HIS ex, & she wont let him see the baby, bc she doesnt like his new gf. & he wants to see that kid, he pays child support plus gives her money when she says she needs something. i just dont think he is a good bf, nor do i think he will make a good husband. i really dont think she is making the right choices here.

& about her telling me things thru a text, shows me she is too much of a coward to tell me face to face, & i even told her, i think it was messed up for her to tell me something like that thru a text, & she never said anything after that. another thing, about me being too forgiving. i honestly see NOTHING wrong with being forgiving, i feel im a very nice person & ppl can see that. but bc i am the kinda person that will forgive someone for just about ANYTHING they do, then ppl will do the really messed up things to me, & they do it bc they kno i will forgive them. i still plan on being forgiving, but when its something that most ppl wouldnt forgive, i made a resolution to NOT fogive for things like that. it makes me feel like a low down sucker. i really dont plan on calling her or anything. bc then shell continue to do messed up things to me, & lately she just hasnt been a very good friend, when i have been nothing but good to her.

please dont think this is about me being immature, bc i am far from that believe me. i am a responsible person, & as said in the beginning of the post, i kno the responsibility of being a godparent, & i was more than willing to take that on, but i really dont think she understands the responsibility.

ETA: she chose her sister, who is 14... so if something happened to her when the baby is still teeny-tiny, how much responsibility does she think her sister will be able to take on?
post #13 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by KiTTYL0VE4 View Post

ETA: she chose her sister, who is 14... so if something happened to her when the baby is still teeny-tiny, how much responsibility does she think her sister will be able to take on?
I am my oldest niece's Godmother, have been since I was 13 years old.
I also had to live up to that responsibility and raise her from the time she was 7.
It was not a ride in the park. Do not mistake youth for irresponsibility.
Honestly, I think one Godchild per person is more than enough, unless you're independently wealthy.
post #14 of 25
Well this is coming from a 21 year old.

At this age, we're far too fickle and can easily be influenced by other people. Friends come and go, you're stuck with your family. With how instable her life is it seems, it might be better for the sister to be the godparent. She'll have her mother's help if anything does happen I assume? Yeah I would be hurt but with how everything else in her life seems, I wouldn't have been surprised. It's gonna make or break your relationship on how you handle it at this point. If she really is your friend, apologize and explain yourself. If you can't get past this, call it a life lesson and just grow from it.
post #15 of 25
Thread Starter 
yeah its just something i wouldnt be able to get past, bc she promised me she would never change her mind on who she chose. part of me believes her mom may have convinced her to choose her sister, bc if anything does happen to her, they would have the baby. but if i was godmother, & the family wanted the baby, i would never ever deny that to them, i would willingly let them have the baby if they wanted. i dont mistake youth for irresponsibility, but i kno her sister personally & kno the things she does. she is not responsible. shawn says her mother would never convince her to chnge her mind about me being godmom, bc he knos the family like that, & the mom knos how me & her were together. he actually talked to the mom & she never talked to her about it, so she lied about it, thats how i kno it was her bfs doing.

one thing i noticed while being her friend, is that she would make up lies to make people feel sorry for her. shes addicted to sympathy. example: the day this all happened, everyone in my house knew about it, bc i was crying for a while afterward. well, shawn is still friends with her sisters(she has 4), & they all called him flipping out bc she (tiff) lied to her sisters. she told them all that shawn called her & left her a voicemail flipping out on her for what she did to me. that was a bold-faced lie. he wants nothing to do with her after what she did to him. he doesnt even have her # cuz she got a new phone since their break up so he cant call her even if he wanted to. she just wants people to feel bad for her.
post #16 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by okiron View Post
Well this is coming from a 21 year old.

At this age, we're far too fickle and can easily be influenced by other people. Friends come and go, you're stuck with your family. With how instable her life is it seems, it might be better for the sister to be the godparent. She'll have her mother's help if anything does happen I assume? Yeah I would be hurt but with how everything else in her life seems, I wouldn't have been surprised. It's gonna make or break your relationship on how you handle it at this point. If she really is your friend, apologize and explain yourself. If you can't get past this, call it a life lesson and just grow from it.
Not trying to start anything, but what is that comment supposed to mean?

Honey, everyone here has given you great advice! I know how hurt you probably are but like someone else said, having more than one godchild would be hard unless you are wealthy. Being a godparent is more than a title. Good luck though!
post #17 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by Oscarsmommy View Post
Not trying to start anything, but what is that comment supposed to mean?

Honey, everyone here has given you great advice! I know how hurt you probably are but like someone else said, having more than one godchild would be hard unless you are wealthy. Being a godparent is more than a title. Good luck though!
I'm saying I'm someone of a similar age. I didn't want her to take it as someone older trying to tell her "this is what people that age do". I'm speaking as someone from that age saying "this is what people our age do"
post #18 of 25
Okay, maybe I'm being thick here, but since when does standing as godparent mean you'd raise the baby if something happened to the parents (this is a general question to all)? The role of the godparent is to provide religious and moral guidance to the child, especially if something happened to the parents. There isn't a court in this land that will give you custody of a child because you're the godparent. Also, what happens if siblings have different godparents...it's not like they'll farm them out. Hijack over.

Aaaanyway...


IMO you are overreacting, sorry. I can definitely understand your feelings being hurt, but are you really ready to throw away an entire friendship over it? Really? I couldn't. Maybe her BF doesn't like you...you certainly don't like him. He's not the one that is your friend, she is. If you're really her friend, you'll stick by her. If you think she's in an unhealthy relationship, then she needs your friendship more than ever. People's lives change...maybe she doesn't want to hang out until 2am. Maybe she feels uncomfortable being around her ex. I'm not trying to excuse her current BF, but there are very few men in this world who would like the idea of their GF hanging out at the home of her ex, even if he is at work.

You just have to decide how much this friendship means to you. If this is someone you would like to remain friends with, then you'll have to contact her...you're the one who broke the friendship off, so you'll have to be the one to start repairing it. If this isn't something you're willing to do, then you'll have to accept that the friendship is over and move on. I don't really see any other option.

Good luck.
post #19 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by okiron View Post
I'm saying I'm someone of a similar age. I didn't want her to take it as someone older trying to tell her "this is what people that age do". I'm speaking as someone from that age saying "this is what people our age do"
lol very true

Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
Okay, maybe I'm being thick here, but since when does standing as godparent mean you'd raise the baby if something happened to the parents
lol i dont know, my friend has me down as godparent, and also, if something happens to him and his wife. They put in there will they wanted me to take the kids ( i am to young, or to old for kids) dont get me wrong i like kids, but i like them much better when i can load them up on surger & mt dew & some loud game and take back home to mom and dad
post #20 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by theimp98 View Post
lol i dont know, my friend has me down as godparent, and also, if something happens to him and his wife. They put in there will they wanted me to take the kids ( i am to young, or to old for kids) dont get me wrong i like kids, but i like them much better when i can load them up on surger & mt dew & some loud game and take back home to mom and dad
So you get to do double duty! I'm down as guardian for my sister & BIL's kids. They've got four of them! I told them that they are never to travel together...separate cars, airplanes, whatever! At least the kids are getting bigger now...one's in college, so that's one down!
post #21 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
maybe I'm being thick here, but since when does standing as godparent mean you'd raise the baby if something happened to the parents (this is a general question to all)?
That's what it's always meant in my family, which is why the godparents are always aunts and uncles.
post #22 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by clixpix View Post
Okay, maybe I'm being thick here, but since when does standing as godparent mean you'd raise the baby if something happened to the parents (this is a general question to all)?...
I asked the same question.
post #23 of 25
I guess this is something that's different in various families, or maybe various regions. Among our family, it's always meant that if something happened to both parents, the godparents would accept responsibility for the child -- not necessarily raising him themselves, but making sure he has a good home with a loving family, and his education is funded. I believe it is (or has in the past been) customary to choose a godparent who has significant financial wherewithal, to ensure the child's security... and also someone of the same religious background as the parents.

When I was born, my parents created a legal document stating who my godparents were, so that their choice would carry weight in court... and my brother and his soon-to-be-ex-wife did the same for my nephew a few years ago, too.
post #24 of 25
Quote:
Originally Posted by missymotus View Post
That's what it's always meant in my family, which is why the godparents are always aunts and uncles.

Yep. Ditto that.

My Godfather is my Mom's brother. My Godmother was my Dad's brother's wife (my Aunt).
post #25 of 25
We think much differently. My husband's best friend is our daughter's Godfather but in our Will it is stipulated that should anything happen to us, his brother Peter and his wife would raise Jennifer (and this has to be discussed and agreed to with them before including in the Will). Thankfully that was never needed. Being a Godparent in our eyes is totally different than being a guardian and having responsibility for rearing the child. It really is more of an "honourary" role.
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