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post #31 of 95

Your words are beautiful. I only wish that the feelings that caused you to be able to write them didn't haunt you so. You are a gifted writer. Have you considered publishing?

Prayers are with you today and always.
post #32 of 95

I'm glad you decided to consult with someone. If it weren't for my shrink after my father died, I'd be in the hospital. He and my closest friends were the only ones who stood by me and were there for me. My relatives could've cared less. I had "well meaning" acquaintances who told me I'd get over it and it would pass, but it didn't. They'd say things like "Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with your life". My father was my life. I took care of him. I had this big gaping hole in my heart. My emotions were like a roller coaster. I wanted so much to run away from everything and everybody but knew that wasn't possible. And you're right, when you're asleep, the pain isn't there. And boy did I sleep alot.

Hang in there kiddo. It will get better, I promise.

post #33 of 95
Thread Starter 

thank you for your kind words; and yes, i am going to
publish, i started a thread about it awhile back :


i am writing a book about my life how lame, i know !
anyway, it's something i have to do.

anything you have to say about my writing is welcomed,
and appreciated, it's the only thing that keeps me alive.
or rather, the most important part of my healing.
post #34 of 95
I don't think it's lame!!!!! My dad wrote a bit of his life story, which I got after he died. It was awesome. I began jotting down my memoirs after that. Not that my life is anything worth writing about, but it's neat to do anyway.

When you get the book published, you'll have to sign a copy for me.
post #35 of 95
Thread Starter 
and to everyone...

i want you to know i read every post, and mostly empathize quietly, pray all of you have peace in your sleep, and smiles dancing across your face in the morning. i think of you all every day and know my life would be that much more hollow if i hadnt met you all.

i just hope you all know i care about you and appreciate you.
post #36 of 95
And we all feel the same about you too, blue!!!!

post #37 of 95
By all means, write a book! For one thing, you're a good writer. For another, you've something to say. I, for one, would buy your book in a heartbeat — as would my friends after I explained the "benefits" to them.

Thank you for sharing yourself with us; and thank you too for caring about us in return.

post #38 of 95
Thread Starter 
what a kind, amazing thing to say; thank you.

i cant even begin to tell you or anyone else what it means to
me, so i will not even try, just know, it breaks my heart with joy.
post #39 of 95
Dearest Blue,

Your creativity astounds me. The depression you speak of, it appears you mastered the ability to capture it within your soul has made your writing profound. It also appears as if even without your knowing. How humble.

Please share more with us ....

God Bless You,
post #40 of 95
Blue....that last post you made on the page behind this one, was absolutley beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think you should publish your thoughts!!!! What a way with words you have!!!!!!

And Donna....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I copied what you said and saved it, because it made me feel so much better, and it made me realize that I am not alone in how I feel about my fathers death, and I am not crazy....just loved him so much, my whole world crashed him when he died, and noone understands.
Even my "best" friend told me to get over it and deal with reality.

Your post made me feel like I am not alone in this. Thanks.
post #41 of 95

I just wanted you to know I'm there for you. Depression can be a very unpredictable experience. The roller coaster emotions can take a toll on you too. The one thing that made me angry was when I was told to pull myself up by my bootstraps. If it was that easy, I would've done it in a heartbeat.

Know that I'm here and if you ever feel like talking or e-mailing, feel free. No one should have to go through it alone. And you've got alot of people who on this site who care about you.

post #42 of 95
Thank you so much Donna. You have made my day. I am so lucky to have met such understanding, kind people as I have here!!!!!!!!! THANK YOU !!
post #43 of 95
Thread Starter 
Originally posted by Debby
Even my "best" friend told me to get over it and deal with reality.
Your post made me feel like I am not alone in this.

tell your "best friend" that you are dealing with reality -
your reality.

the death of a loved one is something i cannot even begin
to understand; i dont know how i would get through something
like that, and what kind of strength a person must have to
pull through. i dont know that anyone really ever does get over it -
but i think, with time, we can work through the sorrows, and
the closure that death brings and begin to celebrate the
memories of those we lose. i have not lost anyone that i
have loved - not to death - but i have had friends & family
that have, and what i see in them is the hope for peace
within themselves for the memories and blessings of those
that have died.

sometimes it seems, from your postings, that you dont have
the most supportive group in your life, please know, all
that you are feeling and going through, with all your losses
and your own personal crisis; it is okay, it is okay to
grieve as long as you need to, it is okay to cry and scream,
it is okay to talk about everything, and as much as you can,
hopefully. until you begin to feel a little bit lighter,
and life is more inviting.

you have an ocean of love in me, i'll be here for you.


Debby : i wasnt implying that you dont have a support system in your life, i just wanted to make sure you knew there is oceans of support here, if and when there seems to be none elsewhere - i hope you didnt misinterpret that, i re-read it and realized it could be taken out of context. i hope i didnt offend you.


[Edited by blue on 04-24-2001 at 07:58 PM]
post #44 of 95
When I was going through counselng my counselor said something I pray will stay with me forever:

For those that do not understand, an explanation is impossible;
For those that do understand, and explanation is
not necessary.

post #45 of 95

i loved that quote.

very powerful and expressive.
post #46 of 95
Dear Airprinces & Everyone,

I'm delighted your feelings about that are the same as mine, but even more delighted to have shared it you. It is something to keep with you forever.

God Bless You All...

post #47 of 95
Thread Starter 


i hope today went well for you, just wanted you to know that
i was thinking of you today, and hope you are well.

the first time i saw my new therapist was very nerve racking,
i was so nervous, i had anxiety for a week before my appointment,
and even a week after, but she is simply amazing,
and i hope yours is too.

post #48 of 95

Dear Katie and Debby,
I'm so delighted to hear that the both of you are receiving the many glorius gifts that couseling provides.
Trust and have faith ...that's so important; you'll both be fine!
Love & God Bless
post #49 of 95
Thread Starter 

i've been in therapy for 7 years. just recently i started
to see a new therapist, and i just wanted to let Debby know
i know how difficult it can be at first, and sometimes, it
simply isnt even the right therapist for you, and you have
to find someone else. someone who is right for you.
post #50 of 95
Dear Katie,

I must have read your posting incorectly...but, even if that is the case, I would not however; change my feelngs; as I do wish you both the most rapid recovery...I truly do.

My thoughts prayers are with you both

post #51 of 95
Thread Starter 


no worries, i just wanted to clear any confusions up

thank you for your kind, gentle words & blessings.
post #52 of 95
Catarina & Blue.....
Thank you so much for what you have said....the support here is awesome...I'm not sure how I wouldve gotten through all this without you guys!!
And no, Blue you absolutely DID NOT offend me! I tend to agree, that even though I have some wonderful friends, some of them just don't have a clue how I feel. I think that is so unfair to me. One of my "friends" told me that she just wanted to slap some sense into me, and that my other friends had just been "sugar-coating" things for me every since dad died, and it was time for me to get some help, and deal with it. So much for the love.

Anyway....the therapy session yesterday went alright I guess....I was so nervous...and he asked me so many questions....(he looks a little like Kenny Rodgers...lol)
I answered them the best I could....I was really nervous....he wanted to know what I hoped to get out of these therapy sessions....well, that was tough to answer, but basically I just want to let go of the pain, and have more confidence in myself, and not feel so alone, and be able to live a happy life. I am tired of getting depressed so much, and feeling so hopeless.

I have another appointment next month. I hope this helps!!!!

Thanks for being there for me guys!!! I love you so much, and I feel this bond between us, even though weve only known each other a short time, and never actually met, it's like we were just destined to meet!!!!!!!!!

post #53 of 95
Thread Starter 
i will rise, i will succumb, i will deflower my hands;
my soul bearing the weight of those moments like those nights without yours.

dance with the Source,
dance with the rape, baby.

dance with the stinging oceans at your feet,
the fire in your mouth, holding your hands to your soul.

dance with me, dance here. this cursor, this screen, your mind and mine;
she dances through air, through memory, through the smile of her touch,

breaks the shame

in one tear; breaks the song with one arch of her back.
post #54 of 95

Another hauntingly beautiful post. I can feel your anguish through your words. I think about you often and hope that you can find peace.
post #55 of 95
Thread Starter 

is there peace to be found? maybe just bridges to be built;
i dont think there is peace waiting around the corners of
my life; there was always a knife - and i always walked right
into it, let my family cut me, my friends, lovers, strangers.

when you have been told something all your life you believe
in it, whether it's positive or not.

i know at 20 i am lucky to be aware of what damage has been
done, and have been seeking help since i was 13 - it's a
long way across the bridge, but maybe peace is on the other side?

i certainly dont know if i'll find peace, but i will build
bridges for myself, carry myself over & through this.

thank you for reading my posts, and for caring, and for
holding me in your thoughts.

i worry sometimes that the "poetry" will be too disturbing
for others, so i tone it down.
post #56 of 95
Lady Blue.. I believe I know some of what you have been feeling. I won't bore you with my life story but I 've spent too much of my life thinking that I was to blame for every misfortune in the lives of those I held dear,that I was a millstone around everybody's neck..including my own.
As a child I was told that my "badness" was the cause of my Dad's fatal heart attack and that affected most of my life.
I still have no real childhood memories except for the dumb or bad things that my family took great delight in reminding me of. I never married or even had a serious relationship because I felt down deep that happiness wasn't meant for bad people like me.
I kept all these sorrows locked way down deep inside like a dim fire that was all the light I had. The trouble was that these coals were slowly burning away my heart.
Amazingly enough,my life changed for the better when I got my little "magic box" here. I met a sweet lady on-line who I can talk to and who thinks I'm a good man. This relationship has lifted a huge weight off my back
The point being Blue that you need to bring everything out in the open with someone who is a neutral party in your life;whether it be therapist ,clergy or on-line friend. Hold absoloutely nothing back,no matter how dark you think it is. Get all those coals out before they burn and scar you forever. Believe me you will be glad to be rid of them.
I wish you the best young lady..you have a whole life of love before you;just reach out and grab it with both hands.
post #57 of 95
Thread Starter 

love to everyone today, and everyday.

post #58 of 95
right back at ya, blue!

post #59 of 95
Dearest Blue,

You're such an angel... I wish I could adopt you.

God's Blessing's to All,
post #60 of 95
I wish we all lived closer!! We have so much love here!
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