With my two, they switched on who was aggressive or territorial. It was maddening. Yet my feral boy was very scared of so many things. Noises in the house and noises outside set him off. Also each time he heard my resident cat jump off the cat tree he would run up to his safe room. At first I would go up after him to be sure he was ok. I then realized I was making things worse. He had to learn it was ok to run to his safe room, but he also needed to learn to come back out. He always did.@ShadowsRescue thank you for the encouraging words!!!!
Uszka and Oskar both don't like to go up on things, Catsby is the only one who uses vertical space. I do need to stop coddling Oskar tho. You're right. I also always sit on the ground when she's out and about to try to get her to play and redirect Usz when she has that look in her face. I just want upstairs to be fun so she keeps coming out.
On the bright side, I don't think Oskar is petrified of Uszka. Just today during tuna snack time she finished hers and put her face right into Uszka's plate and they both ate together until I removed Oskar (Uszka did not care in the least and afterwards they smelled noses until Oskar got scared, growled and ran off).
Did your boy also struggle with being out an about due to fear of your resident cats? Did that progressively get better?
Things did get progressively better, but they moved very slowly. We hit a plateau at about the stage you are right now. Things stayed that way for a few months. Some days were good while others days were rough. Yet I never had to revert backwards and put the new boy away. Then we started to notice that the cats were much more calm with each other. I still had a "hot spot" in my upstairs hall way. It was easy to get cornered there. I didn't have an outlet there for a feliway so daily spraying of Comfort Zone was necessary. I also had to redirect a lot. The "hot spot" took months to settle. Yet every few weeks improvement was noted. Some days when things were bad for a few days, I had to have my DH or son take over. I became too emotional and it upset the cats. The men were much calmer than me.
I look back and it was a stressful time. I so wanted them to be best buddies and then I settled for them to just live peacefully. Now they are buddies and play and groom each other. It is very nice to see. My resident cat took over top cat duties and has remained top cat. My feral boy who wanted to be top cat for awhile is now very docile and so so sweet.
I also used an animal communicator. She was a life saver for me. She helped in so many ways.
I am sure that in a few months you will look back and forget about how stressful it is and just how wonderful your life is with 3 cats. You are just a wonderful cat Mom!!