Would You Adopt Again?

[ginny]

 
We had a rather blunt conversation with my SILs husband via phone one day about the issues with their two dogs. He told us he didn't know what to do with them.  There are lots of people who don't want or shouldn't have any animal in their care. As much as we want to see every cat have a home talking someone into getting one when they truly are not interested can lead to abuse and neglect for the animal. If I knew the rescue they got them from I would give it a call. I'm pretty sure the objective is a good home. Not one running up and down roads in traffic. Being left out all night to howl and bark and certainly not having a neighbor get so fed up with the aggression they pepper spray them.

In the world of horses I have seen things I cannot unsee. Death is by far not the worst thing that can happen to an animal. I mourn the loss of my Nikkihorse over a decade later. I'm sure I will mourn my Kitten as long and forever. Life even grinds to a halt in the beginning. All of our human emotions can live side by side. One of the hardest things to deal with is that while we are paralyzed with grief the rest of the world keeps living. The hardest thing to do when you are paralyzed with grief is understand you will go on living.

He is stuck. And from your description would stay there new pet or not.

Look how many people on the crossing over thread come here for the first time. The need to seek comfort and the most understanding comfort is from those that have known this sadness. This is mutual support.  I don't want to sound cruel. But is he offering support or cannibalizing on everyone else's grief.

I totally agree with what you said above!  In answer to your last question, he does offer support to some of the others, but honestly his support is downright depressing.  His posts reek of despair.  The bottom line is, how can anyone help someone who wants to stay stuck?  The answer is you can't.  Better for us to spend our time helping those who want help.  I'm not sure he is cannibalizing others' grief, but you may be right about that.

 

[nurseangel]

I am very sad for this man.  My heart goes out to him.  He is not in a good place.  I picked up a stray kitten with a broken leg about a week after my dog crossed the Bridge, and it really helped me.  Keeping up with that kitten was really a challenge.  I also adopted Speck very soon after Redman crossed.  I would definitely adopt again, but people handle grief in different ways.  A friend of mine waited about 6 months before adopting another kitten. 

 

[plan]

Well, first thing's first. I have already had the discussion with my brother and my mom that if anything should ever happen to me, one of them MUST take Bud. Of course when you say something like that to people, especially your family, they will wave you off and say it's ridiculous, nothing will happen, yadda yadda. But we're all gonna die some day, and nothing is guaranteed. My brother can't really say anything to me, because I was his life insurance beneficiary when he was deployed to Iraq. But the bottom line is that I do not want any situation in which Bud would end up in a shelter, or with people who mistreated him, or on the street. That is just not acceptable to me.

As for his eventual death, I will admit I do not like thinking about it, and it's upsetting to contemplate. He's two months shy of his 2nd birthday, so hopefully he has a long and healthy life ahead of him. I do everything I can to take care of him.

Equally important is appreciating every day we have with our pets, and I try to keep that in mind. In life so many things lose their sheen or their novelty, but with Bud I love him much more now than I did when he was a tiny, cute kitten. It's because there's a strong bond there. It's a bond stronger than I ever imagined before I adopted him.

Regarding the OP's friend, I think he's really hurt and he's reeling, and he's looking for ways to process the death of his beloved pets. For people who don't have friends IRL, that means reaching out online. We are social creatures, just like cats. Obviously he's really hurting and he's missing the companionship his pets provided. What I don't understand is his insistence that he did not expect his pets to die. The mortality rate for everyone is 100%. We will all die. I can understand holding out hope that his cat is one of those who lives 25+ years, but it's still an eventuality. I think this guy just needs help, regardless of what he says.

 

[ginny]

He definitely needs help.  I do hope he's not just indulging in a do-it-yourself type "help". 

I am thinking that the underlying problem is his personality and the way he handles life, not so much his current circumstance of grief.  Grief has only exacerbated or exposed the problem of how he handles life, which is to avoid people.  In looking at his posts, it surely seems he is mostly focusing on loss.  And not so much WHAT he has lost, but THAT HE HAS lost.  There is a subtle but very real difference in that.  

In this case, what he has lost takes away the shield he once had.  They were his shield from people.  Now what does he have?  Nothing.  So he is perpetuating his loss by refusing to have any more pets.  He doesn't seem to be focusing on his pets, or his children so much. 

And yes, he said outright he NEVER expected them to die.  I was shocked too.  Maybe he just would not tolerate the thought of it?   I understand that to a degree.  But sooner or later the reality of the situation does settle in.  It only causes more pain to continue to struggle against it.  There is something unsettling about his posts and I haven't quite put my finger on it.  They are drenched in despair.  I feel despair when I read his posts.  I really need a break from it for my own sanity so I have not visited today at all.  I think it's for the best.  I need to get him out of my head.  

 

[ginny]

 
I am very sad for this man.  My heart goes out to him.  He is not in a good place.  I picked up a stray kitten with a broken leg about a week after my dog crossed the Bridge, and it really helped me.  Keeping up with that kitten was really a challenge.  I also adopted Speck very soon after Redman crossed.  I would definitely adopt again, but people handle grief in different ways.  A friend of mine waited about 6 months before adopting another kitten. 

I will say this and then I'll quit.  I have to quit!  Lol.

He would tell you (me, anyone else) that because you adopted again you clearly did not suffer a crisis related to the loss, or else you wouldn't be able to adopt again.  That of course is so wrong!  We all suffer when we lose our dear little pets.   So, yes indeed he's not in a good place.  Amongst other things, he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.  But what can you do?  Until he wants help?

 

[artiemom]

Oh Ginny, I hear you!

I am sending you some really good advice which has been given to me. It is probably time for you to take a step back from this. Personally, I get so involved with some things, posts, that I take it literally to heart. It gets too personal for me..

I am trying to do that myself, right now.

When I was working, I remember people telling me not to get too involved with patients. Well, I did that once in my first job. It got to the point where I felt so involved in her care, that I would almost cry each time she came down to my department because I felt so bad for her and her husband. She was dying from breast cancer which invaded her lung. 

I finally had to avoid her exams. My boss was a real sweetie; he understood. That was over 33 years ago and I remember her to this day.

I do have a habit of getting emotionally involved in things which I should not....

so just as a thought.  

Perhaps it is time for you to discontinue being involved in the this particular thread on that website. It will really help.

The problem is, this man need emotional help, years ago; he never got it. He is refusing acknowledgement of his issues. Unless he comes to terms with it, nothing you say will be of any help. He is in his own vacuum now..

((hugs))

 

[ginny]

Don't worry, @Artiemom, I haven't visited the site at all today.  It's just too depressing and too much of a temptation to see what thing he has posted today.  Be careful who you let into your head!  Now I'm going to watch a little Big Bang Theory (my favorite show, next to anything on HGTV) to rest my mind!  

 

[stewball]

I would adopt again in a heartbeat and two cats.

 

[foxxycat]

Yes I absolutely will adopt again. I've had two pass away. I still had other cats and adoption came at about three months later. They were unexpected homeless kitties. One from a shelter who died three years ago. She had a rare bone cancer or maybe kidney issue where the kidneys stop production of the hormone to tell the bone marrow to produce red blood cells. It was so scary. We couldn't save her. This was my first hard grieving case. It shook me up so much that I went into a depression for almost theee months after. Until my Honeybee showed up. Three months later. .and I felt so guilty. I was lucky that this new cat picked up on my emotions.

She will climb up on me and give biscuits when I am upset. She wormed her way into my frozen heart.

The other passing was an old kitty who I rescued from a horrendous home. She lived with us for almost three years or four years. She passed away from lung complications. She already had bad compromise lungs. Xrays showed those lungs were completely white. She wasn't showing symptoms so we just let her be. She had a good life at the end to make up for the crappy life before. But of course I felt guilt afterwards for not knowing what to do at the end. Because I didn't understand what was going on and did not take the advice of the vet to pts. I didn't understand. Its haunted me for some time but I understand now. I only hope I keep learning wisdom to tell the difference between an emergency or not an emergency.

I would always have my heart open for more babies.

In high school my cat had passed away that i had for a few years. At that time I said no more. It hurt too much. It wasn't until seven years later I adopted another cat. And have had cats since 1999.

Hard to believe that its now 2016. And I hope it gets easier but from what I have read of others who have had to pts it never gets easier.

 

[nurseangel]

 
I will say this and then I'll quit.  I have to quit!  Lol.

He would tell you (me, anyone else) that because you adopted again you clearly did not suffer a crisis related to the loss, or else you wouldn't be able to adopt again.  That of course is so wrong!  We all suffer when we lose our dear little pets.   So, yes indeed he's not in a good place.  Amongst other things, he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.  But what can you do?  Until he wants help?

Bless his heart.  Not anything you can do, really.  

 

[crazy4strays]

 
I will say this and then I'll quit.  I have to quit!  Lol.

He would tell you (me, anyone else) that because you adopted again you clearly did not suffer a crisis related to the loss, or else you wouldn't be able to adopt again.  That of course is so wrong!  We all suffer when we lose our dear little pets.   So, yes indeed he's not in a good place.  Amongst other things, he's cutting off his nose to spite his face.  But what can you do?  Until he wants help?

It sounds like he's really struggling right now and his logic is a little distorted. We all know that you can grieve the one that you lost and still love another one. Just like when a spouse dies and the surviving spouse moves on with their life and dates and eventually remarries. Remarrying doesn't mean that they didn't grieve their lost spouse.

Perhaps when he's feeling better, he will eventually get another pet. Or perhaps he will run across a cat in need (like a kitten thrown on a roadside or a stray cat running through his door) and be unable to say no.