Wondering Now If I Did The Right Thing.. So Depressed

[FunSized331]

My baby boy went the the Rainbow Bridge Wednesday. I am feeling like complete crap about it and so guilty. We found him Sunday evening laying in his litterbox throwing up on himself. We got him out and set him on the floor to clean him up. We noticed him get up and wobble slowly back to his litterbox a little later on. It's like his back legs and back end were hurt. There were no emergency clinics open here so we had to wait till Monday to get him into the vet. In the mean time, he would NOT eat at all and turned his nose up to food. He went to the vet Monday and they did blood tests on him and let him come back home in the meantime. He still would not eat but I sat his water bowl next to him and he drank for like 2 mins straight, then the last time he peed was around 10pm Monday night. He wobbled himself right to his litterbox and had to be helped in.. Tuesday I took off work to sit with him and wait on the vet to call. That is when he stopped trying to even move altogether. He laid on his side with his eyes wide open, tail twitching a little. I thought he was going to die right there in no time so I laid in the floor and cried like a baby by him. Finally the vet called and told us there were some off numbers on his test. I rushed him back there and found out his BUN was almost 230 and can't remember the creatine number. I was such a nervous wreck I didn't think to ask for my own copy. But the vet said she was concerned about the BUN and creatine. They hooked him up to a catheter and give him fluids. said they would do that for 24 hours. I had worked myself up to a frenzy and started googling about it & reading about people's cats perking up after receiving fluids and was hoping when I went back Wednesday to check on him that he would kind of be back to himself or at least be able to lift his head and move a little. They led us to him and he just looked so much worse than when I left him. He was on his side shallow breathing with his eyes wide open, no more bright blue to them. I don't know how to describe them but cloudy and dark and just not right. I petted on him a little and he didn't respond at all. I flat out asked the veterinarian if he was suffering and he told me he was and that even if they kept him on fluids , the outcome still looked grim. I just couldn't stand the thought of him suffering there another night so I gave them the go ahead to euthanize him. Now I feel so guilty that I should have let them keep him hooked up to the catheter/fluids. He just looked to me like he was barely hanging on. Was I right to trust the vet? I just feel so bad and I'm thinking about all the times I'd left him by himself and wishing I could go back and spend all the time in the world with him. Maybe I would have seen the early signs. I'm just such a wreck and can't even breathe thinking about it. We found him as a stray in '06 and he spent all this time loving and trusting me and I'd just go and spend time with boyfriends and be a workaholic and leave him :'( But even when I'd come to mom and dad's he'd come to me and want petted, brushed, and loved on.. then I would just leave him again :'( It's like I withdrew away from him because he was getting older & I knew the time would come. I just feel like such crap and in my gut I know now that I could have done more for him </3 I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm a wreck. Thanks for listening..

 

[Topherius]

My baby boy went the the Rainbow Bridge Wednesday. I am feeling like complete crap about it and so guilty. We found him Sunday evening laying in his litterbox throwing up on himself. We got him out and set him on the floor to clean him up. We noticed him get up and wobble slowly back to his litterbox a little later on. It's like his back legs and back end were hurt. There were no emergency clinics open here so we had to wait till Monday to get him into the vet. In the mean time, he would NOT eat at all and turned his nose up to food. He went to the vet Monday and they did blood tests on him and let him come back home in the meantime. He still would not eat but I sat his water bowl next to him and he drank for like 2 mins straight, then the last time he peed was around 10pm Monday night. He wobbled himself right to his litterbox and had to be helped in.. Tuesday I took off work to sit with him and wait on the vet to call. That is when he stopped trying to even move altogether. He laid on his side with his eyes wide open, tail twitching a little. I thought he was going to die right there in no time so I laid in the floor and cried like a baby by him. Finally the vet called and told us there were some off numbers on his test. I rushed him back there and found out his BUN was almost 230 and can't remember the creatine number. I was such a nervous wreck I didn't think to ask for my own copy. But the vet said she was concerned about the BUN and creatine. They hooked him up to a catheter and give him fluids. said they would do that for 24 hours. I had worked myself up to a frenzy and started googling about it & reading about people's cats perking up after receiving fluids and was hoping when I went back Wednesday to check on him that he would kind of be back to himself or at least be able to lift his head and move a little. They led us to him and he just looked so much worse than when I left him. He was on his side shallow breathing with his eyes wide open, no more bright blue to them. I don't know how to describe them but cloudy and dark and just not right. I petted on him a little and he didn't respond at all. I flat out asked the veterinarian if he was suffering and he told me he was and that even if they kept him on fluids , the outcome still looked grim. I just couldn't stand the thought of him suffering there another night so I gave them the go ahead to euthanize him. Now I feel so guilty that I should have let them keep him hooked up to the catheter/fluids. He just looked to me like he was barely hanging on. Was I right to trust the vet? I just feel so bad and I'm thinking about all the times I'd left him by himself and wishing I could go back and spend all the time in the world with him. Maybe I would have seen the early signs. I'm just such a wreck and can't even breathe thinking about it. We found him as a stray in '06 and he spent all this time loving and trusting me and I'd just go and spend time with boyfriends and be a workaholic and leave him :'( But even when I'd come to mom and dad's he'd come to me and want petted, brushed, and loved on.. then I would just leave him again :'( It's like I withdrew away from him because he was getting older & I knew the time would come. I just feel like such crap and in my gut I know now that I could have done more for him </3 I'm sorry if none of this makes sense, I'm a wreck. Thanks for listening..

From the sounds of it, you did the right thing, because the quality of life probably would have gone right down the tube IF he even bounced back from it. Guilt is totally normal, completely. About signs.....well cats are pretty good at hiding any sort of pain or illness (its a defence mechanism) and you probably wouldn't have known anyway until he couldn't hide it anymore. Everything you are going through is normal and it will pass, remember that. Ive helped humans and animals cross over and animals still get me every time cause they can't vocalize their feelings and afterwards we tend to second guess ourselves about the decisions we make for them. Intuition is usually the only thing we have to go on when an animal gets that sick and I think yours and the vets intuition was right and took away the suffering that would have followed. Hang in there, don't beat yourself up over hindsight. You did right by him.

 

[les26]

It was his time to go, he would have just been barely surviving if you kept him on the IV's, you did the right thing by letting him get out of his pain and moving on, and he is fine now, no more suffering, he is fine. The grief you are feeling is normal, and will come out in many strange ways, but just let it out, it will eventually ease but can take some time. He knew you loved him, and were trying to help him, don't feel guilty, you and the vets did all that you could, but it was his time to leave and that is hard to accept, but he is relieved now that he is out of his painful body, and is okay now, it is you who is hurting but it will get somewhat better.

I am sorry for your loss, I hope that your heart heals a bit more each day. God Bless.......

 

[di and bob]

You loved that sweet boy, and the void it left in your house and heart when he left is the pain of a broken heart. There is one thing in your post that you will have to hold on to..." his eyes wide open, no more bright blue in them", he was suffering and withdrawn from life. In times like these we have to rely on the experience and expertise of the vet,sometimes the prolonging of life means the prolonging of the suffering. The second guessing and all those should haves, could haves ALWAYS follows the death of a beloved family member, because we have the time now to go over all the options that fled our minds in the tragic moments before that fateful decision. Don't go there. It brings nothing but heartache to a heart that is already full of grief. There is no way to ever change the past, the decisions made there stay there. The decisions you made were made based on love, that can't be wrong. There cannot be guilt on something that was from the heart. You spared a future full of uncertainty and most likely more pain, you will be blessed for your strength in your boy's time of need.
Try to keep your mind on what that boy meant to you, what having him in your life was all about, celebrate sharing your life with him for a while and know he will always be on a path that parallels your own, tied to you by the bonds of love which are spiritual and therefore eternal. He would be the last one to want you so full of sadness, he loves you too much. Yes, you have to grieve because you suffered a loss, but once more you should seek ways to fill your life with the joy of living, just as you would want for him if you were the first to go. Honor his name by doing good, donate to your local shelter the food and supplies they need. I pay for the adoption of the cat there the longest twice a year, to give them a chance at the love that my dear one left as her legacy. I do it in my loved one's name. It brings comfort to a grieving heart knowing you are helping those in need, and helps you to feel a little better about yourself. Time is the only thing that helps to soften the edges of pain. Believe that your little one is at peace now and thanks you for the wonderful home and the love you gave him. You will always feel him in your life, because his love is a part of you, just as your love surrounds him too. Draw comfort from your precious memories of happier times and go into the future holding on to his legacy that he left you, a legacy of knowing how to love.
My heart goes out to you, know you are not alone in your grief. I'll share your pain and try to make it bearable by sending you comfort through my prayers. Take care...... RIP beautiful boy, you will never be forgotten in this world, and will forever hold a special place in a loving heart. Goodnight, sleep tight, sweet prince!

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Little One, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

You performed the ultimate act of love. You sat with your baby and ushered him into a place where all pain and sickness and fear floated away in a sea of light and warmth. Never doubt that. Your cat knew that you loved him and cared for him from the moment you first met to the final goodbye. I am just so terribly sorry that it was such a tragic thing that brought you here to us. You are not alone.

 

[FunSized331]

Thank you all so much for your kind words. They have really helped me deep down to see that I did the right thing..Even though I'm fine one minute then I look at his picture or think about how I could have spent so much more time with him. I swear I would give up my job or any old bf I ever chose to spend time with over him (lol) I start just feeling so much regret feeling maybe some miracle could have happened if I just left him at the vet one more night on the IV.. I guess that's what I get for googling things like this like a madman. Reading about other people's success with the fluids and hearing how their babies perked up not long after being hooked up, but then when I go back to see him and he's been on them 24 hours and he looking so much worse just shook me to the core wondering Why it worked on so many others and not him? I just felt like I gave up to soon on the fluids working. My nerves have been shot ever since. & it just feels so lonely in this house.. I secretly keep hoping to hear his little collar bell ringing.. at least once. :'( lol. Thank you all so much & I'm glad I found you all

 

[les26]

There are times when cats go in and the fluids perk them up and get them "over the hump", but they are not that sick or sick with something really bad and/or older, I have seen that many times with our cats. When Simon and Sebastian got sick in the past, or last two boys who passed in the last years, I also hoped that all they would need was a shot of fluids and all would be fine, but it wasn't, like your kitty it was their time to go, and no amount of treatment and vet care will help when it gets to that point, it is their time and they must move on.

And I understand the quietness; when Rusty our dog had to be put down in 1995 we both dreaded coming home because of the silence, but he was our only pet, but even though we have 9 cats when one passes it still has some silence when we come home, we have the others but when one passes it silences our hearts for awhile, but time and love and life seems to help heal it somewhat.

When you are ready, and you will know when, you will probably get another one in need of a good home....when you are ready.

 

[vyger]

--- I have heard many children have the same sentiments and express the same feelings about their parents. That if only they had known, they would have visited more, spent more time -----. You have learned just how devastating it can make you feel. Turn that into a valuable positive lesson for your life, provided for you by the humble little animal that you now miss. Spend as much time as you can with the ones you love because you never know when tomorrow might end. He has let you know what it is like to loose someone. Embrace that as a life lesson and his life will have even more value than you could ever know.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Darlin, what you are feeling is perfectly natural and human, but...you can "what if" yourself to death and the fact remains...you did EVERYTHING that you thought you could do for the best of your boy, given what you knew at the time. That is all ANYONE can do. As for the fluids...generally, if they are going to do the trick, they work fairly quickly. I would have made the same decision. I could not have allowed Hekitty to continue being utterly miserable for a "maybe" when the safe bet was the "probably not."