Who's right? Cat sleeping in bed = fiancée trouble

[darcifinn]

So I'm happy to say I got engaged for the first time but problems are already arising. My two cats are 7 1/2 years old. For all those years they've shared my bed with me. My fiancé is a high ranking member of a large and volatile police dept. we do not live together yet but he does spend nights here. Finn and Darci do not share the bed when he's here with us. But he complains they get fur on his side of the bed when he's not here.

He doesn't even want them in the bed when he's not here. I think he would be willing to compromise if I could keep the bed fur free. It's really hard because Of the violence in the city he can be called away at any hour or he can end up staying on the site of a crime till 4 or 5 in the morning. I get lonely and I want them in the bed with me. I think you should compromise and he thinks I'm putting them first.

Has anyone experienced these problems I can't be the only one. Any advice would be greatly appreciated I love him but I love them too. At the risk of sounding wackos they really are my best buddies.

Thanks,

Erin

 

[yayi]

Congratulations on your engagement. 

 Did your fiance know you had cats when you met? You see, like in my case, there is cat fur ALWAYS on me, inside or outside of the house, not a lot, but it's unavoidable. 

 

I don't think this is a matter of who comes first in your life. Your future husband should realize that Darci and Finn are part of you and it is scary that he acts like he does not want them around. 

 

[anita021]

Hey,

This might seem harsh, but if he does not like cats and you do, you are not meant to be. I mean, you will have problems over this later on. You do not have to agree on everything, but there are certain things that can end any relationship.

You love your cats, he knew this. Do not give them up. If you do, this will haunt your whole marriage, believe me :-(

If you have a cat, there will be cat hair everywhere. There is no stopping to this, and this is normal. Talk about this with your fiancée and try to solve it together, without having to remove the cats from your life and your bedroom.

I wish you the best of luck and a happy marriage after all :-)

Anita

 

[peaches08]

What do you mean by "volatile" police department? This sounds like a control situation.

 

[tulosai]

You do not sound wacky.  However I am not sure what to tell you.  It seems straightforward in a way- you have to make a choice.  I see 3 currently.

1.  Talk to your fiance more about the issue.  Pick a calm time (for BOTH of you) and speak very calmly about it.  If EITHER of you start to become emotional, end the conversation and recommence later.  

2.  Defy your fiance and tell him in no uncertain terms that, while you love him, if he isn't there the cats place is on the bed. Be sure you also do this CALMLY though. Just clearly explain it and say if you don't like it, you can leave.  However, if you say that, you have to mean it.

3.  Give in to your fiance and start closing the door at night.

In the end it may just be a matter of who it's more important to and what is most important to you.

Good luck.

 

[tulosai]

What do you mean by "volatile" police department? This sounds like a control situation.

I think all that was meant is that he works odd hours and sometimes is called away abruptly or works late.  

 

[peaches08]

I think all that was meant is that he works odd hours and sometimes is called away abruptly or works late.  

That's pretty much any job in law enforcement (except for some administration positions), hence I had to ask.

 

[goholistic]

Well, I'm not sure I can be much help on this thread. I always side with the cats. 

  IMO, I don't think it's fair for a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whoever...to try to impose rules if the pet was there first. It's one thing if a couple is adopting a new pet together and they can set the boundaries together beforehand. But if the pet was there first, then your SO is basically asking you to change something about yourself.

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years. We don't yet live together, but he knows the deal. He gets annoyed at the special treatment I give them sometimes, but knows how much I love my three cats. He loves them, too, and has three of his own at his house. We already decided that when we move in together, we're going to have our own separate bedrooms. People look at us like we're nuts. Since when was it a law that we had to share a bedroom? We're not swayed by societal norms. We'll do what works best for us in our relationship.

Here is another thread that discusses a similar situation between a married couple that you may find helpful: http://www.thecatsite.com/t/263878/opinions-needed

 

[tulosai]

 
Well, I'm not sure I can be much help on this thread. I always side with the cats. 

  IMO, I don't think it's fair for a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whoever...to try to impose rules if the pet was there first. It's one thing if a couple is adopting a new pet together and they can set the boundaries together beforehand. But if the pet was there first, then your SO is basically asking you to change something about yourself.

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years. We don't yet live together, but he knows the deal. He gets annoyed at the special treatment I give them sometimes, but knows how much I love my three cats. He loves them, too, and has three of his own at his house. We already decided that when we move in together, we're going to have our own separate bedrooms. People look at us like we're nuts. Since when was it a law that we had to share a bedroom? We're not swayed by societal norms. We'll do what works best for us in our relationship.

Here is another thread that discusses a similar situation between a married couple that you may find helpful: http://www.thecatsite.com/t/263878/opinions-needed

I don't necessarily agree *ducks*

I think all relationships involve compromise, whether or not pets were there first.  A person might have legitimate reasons for asking someone to adjust their routine with their pets and to me that should not be a relationship death knell.  The other thread you cite is extreme, as that woman's husband's attitude was at best marginally related to the cat.  I think it's important to distinguish between problems that actually involve the cat and those that don't, and between people who are abusive/controlling and those who are not. To me, asking someone to keep the cats off the bed (if it truly ends there) is one thing, and depending on the reasons, and how important it was to each person, and why, the solution might be to keep the cats off the bed. Asking someone to get rid of a cat is another thing. And so on.

I also think it's important not to get so involved with cats and with cat's needs that we forget human connections or human needs.  In the cats off the bed example, if one person is a lighter sleeper,and the cats are essentially jumping and meowing over the bed for periods during the night, and that person asks for the door to be shut so they can be not exhausted when they get up for work at 7am, to me that's a reasonable request, and one I'd honor, whether or not the cats were there first.  I realize that isn't an accurate description of this post, but I am just giving an example.

I think it becomes very dangerous to side with the cats and to vilify people for  expressing  their needs just because those needs aren't all sunshine and rainbows for the cats. Of course, when people have competing needs (the OP here clearly really wants the cats in the bed) it further complicates things.  However, I just don't believe someone is a bad person for expressing a desire or need that something be done differently with cats, regardless of who was there first (depending of course on their motivation and proposed suggestions for what to do going forward). 

 

[goholistic]

 
I don't necessarily agree *ducks*

I think all relationships involve compromise, whether or not pets were there first.  A person might have legitimate reasons for asking someone to adjust their routine with their pets and to me that should not be a relationship death knell.  The other thread you cite is extreme, as that woman's husband's attitude was at best marginally related to the cat.  I think it's important to distinguish between problems that actually involve the cat and those that don't, and between people who are abusive/controlling and those who are not. To me, asking someone to keep the cats off the bed (if it truly ends there) is one thing, and depending on the reasons, and how important it was to each person, and why, the solution might be to keep the cats off the bed. Asking someone to get rid of a cat is another thing. And so on.

I also think it's important not to get so involved with cats and with cat's needs that we forget human connections or human needs.  In the cats off the bed example, if one person is a lighter sleeper,and the cats are essentially jumping and meowing over the bed for periods during the night, and that person asks for the door to be shut so they can be not exhausted when they get up for work at 7am, to me that's a reasonable request, and one I'd honor, whether or not the cats were there first.  I realize that isn't an accurate description of this post, but I am just giving an example.

I think it becomes very dangerous to side with the cats and to vilify people for  expressing  their needs just because those needs aren't all sunshine and rainbows for the cats. Of course, when people have competing needs (the OP here clearly really wants the cats in the bed) it further complicates things.  However, I just don't believe someone is a bad person for expressing a desire or need that something be done differently with cats, regardless of who was there first (depending of course on their motivation and proposed suggestions for what to do going forward). 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Thank you for sharing a different perspective.  

  I just hope my perspective - based on your reply - didn't insinuate that I don't compromise, don't have human connections, or that I am telling the OP that her fiance is a bad person, because that couldn't be further from the truth. Like you said...a reason that warrants compromise, such as the cat's keeping the person up at night or is peeing on the bed, etc., is much different than if it was more of a controlling issue (which I'm not saying it is!).

DarciFinn, it seems from the original post that your fiance doesn't like the hair that the cat leaves on the bed. I'll admit, I'm actually the one who doesn't like hair on bed, either.  

  I use a PetMate Pet Hair Magnet and lint rollers to keep the bed fur free. I have multiple cats that practically live on the bed all day, so I know it can be a chore to keep up with. Do you think it's possible to try to de-fur the bed daily and see if that meets his needs? If his complaint is that their is hair on the bed, but yet you keep it hair-free...this should work, right?

 

[tulosai]

 
Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Thank you for sharing a different perspective.  

  I just hope my perspective - based on your reply - didn't insinuate that I don't compromise, don't have human connections, or that I am telling the OP that her fiance is a bad person, because that couldn't be further from the truth. Like you said...a reason that warrants compromise, such as the cat's keeping the person up at night or is peeing on the bed, etc., is much different than if it was more of a controlling issue (which I'm not saying it is!).

DarciFinn, it seems from the original post that your fiance doesn't like the hair that the cat leaves on the bed. I'll admit, I'm actually the one who doesn't like hair on bed, either.  

  I use a PetMate Pet Hair Magnet and lint rollers to keep the bed fur free. I have multiple cats that practically live on the bed all day, so I know it can be a chore to keep up with. Do you think it's possible to try to de-fur the bed daily and see if that meets his needs? If his complaint is that their is hair on the bed, but yet you keep it hair-free...this should work, right?

No no, I'm sorry if any of it came off as personally directed at you.  You did say you always take the cats side, so I was responding in a sense to that, but I didn't mean to insinuate anything about you r own interactions in your own life.  I don't know you, after all

I was thinking the same about the hair.  Brushing them more often can work wonders too.  I brush my cats now close to every other day and it has dramatically cut down on their shedding.  I also use a lint roller daily.  It is a chore to keep up with but if that truly is the OP's fiance's complaint, it seems well worth it to step up the fur control and compromise.  You could use the lint roller right before bed to minimize any exposure to the hair on his part.  I do understand his not wanting to be rolling around in cat hair on a bed.

 

[darcifinn]

Thanks for all your responses.  Some of them made me feel like I painted an inaccurate picture of my finacee..  Fiancee loves Finn and Darci - Finn is his best buddy and he calls him the minute he walks in the door.   Whenever they walk into the room he greets them - I'[ve even hear him having conversations with them when I am half asleep.     We don't live together and he will come down and stay with them if I am out of town because he knows I hate them being alone more than one night - even though someone comes in to feed them.  Finally fiancee even asks me to move over Finn can up between us.   Darci is still shy around him but warming up.

His big beef is that he doesn't want to come to bed with cat fur in it.   I am thinking we switch to a king bed and they sleep on my side and i sleep in the middle when he is gone.   That way he comes homes to less cat fur in the bed.    Neither Finn nor Darci want to sleep in the bed with both of us but they will crawl in the bed with either one of us when the other is not there.   Ironically he seems not to care if they are in bed with him on my side - he just hates the fur on his side.   They also have their own Master Bedroom because I live a lone and who else is going to use it - he thinks that is a little silly but whatever.

When I say volatile department - I mean he is a very high ranking member of the one of the ten most violent cities in US police department.   So often when shootings and homicides occurs he has to get up and go.   I get to see him on the news some weeks more than I do at my place.   Ironically many people consider his role but he has never been more a hero to me than when he rescued an abandon kitten and found a home for him.

I think I may have done him a disservice in my original explanation.  Reading all the responses helped a lot.   I think it is almost like seeing the way I must sound to him - I think he may not be the only one to compromise.  He is not a big bad cat hater and would never ask me to close the door because they love to come sleep in the master shower sometimes.

I think I am just having a problem adjusting at 42 getting married for the first time and putting someone equal to Finn, Darci and myself.   This may be more of the crux of the problem - than his being unreasonable.   I almost feel I will be pelted now - but I mean it when i say thank yo all for weighing in - it actually made me really think about the whole conversation.

 

[darcifinn]

Peaches, he is a the major so his job is a little more volatile between his rank and his city he is always on the go.   Regular patrol officers in most case do their shift and go home.  A Major's work is never done.

 

[darcifinn]

 
No no, I'm sorry if any of it came off as personally directed at you.  You did say you always take the cats side, so I was responding in a sense to that, but I didn't mean to insinuate anything about you r own interactions in your own life.  I don't know you, after all

I was thinking the same about the hair.  Brushing them more often can work wonders too.  I brush my cats now close to every other day and it has dramatically cut down on their shedding.  I also use a lint roller daily.  It is a chore to keep up with but if that truly is the OP's fiance's complaint, it seems well worth it to step up the fur control and compromise.  You could use the lint roller right before bed to minimize any exposure to the hair on his part.  I do understand his not wanting to be rolling around in cat hair on a bed.

I think that is an excellent solution.   They have no interest in the bed when we are both in it but I m going to try that and also trying making the bed in the morning - hmmm what a novel idea!

 

[darcifinn]

 
Well, I'm not sure I can be much help on this thread. I always side with the cats. 

  IMO, I don't think it's fair for a husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whoever...to try to impose rules if the pet was there first. It's one thing if a couple is adopting a new pet together and they can set the boundaries together beforehand. But if the pet was there first, then your SO is basically asking you to change something about yourself.

My boyfriend and I have been together 8 years. We don't yet live together, but he knows the deal. He gets annoyed at the special treatment I give them sometimes, but knows how much I love my three cats. He loves them, too, and has three of his own at his house. We already decided that when we move in together, we're going to have our own separate bedrooms. People look at us like we're nuts. Since when was it a law that we had to share a bedroom? We're not swayed by societal norms. We'll do what works best for us in our relationship.

Here is another thread that discusses a similar situation between a married couple that you may find helpful: http://www.thecatsite.com/t/263878/opinions-neededThanks,

Thanks GoHolistic I will look at that thread.   Oh and I admit i always side on the animals side too - they are the innocent they love you and you love them,  

 

[goholistic]

Aw...don't feel bad. I always tend to type exactly what I didn't mean!  

  I'm sure you're husband is a fine, respectful (and respected!) gentleman. I can only imagine how much you worry about him while he's on the job. Since he does, in fact, really like the cats, it sounds like you'll be able to work things out.

Here's another idea. You'll probably still have to lint roll in the morning if the cats are sleeping with you at night. But after you lint roll and make the bed, you could place a large king-size blanket that completely covers the bed and pillows that the cats can lay on during the day. Just before bed, you can carefully take the blanket off and wrap it up in such way that the underside is always the clean side. Just a thought! 

I hope your fiance accepts your newly acquired mad de-furring skills so that the kitties can sleep with you! 

 

[darcifinn]

 
Aw...don't feel bad. I always tend to type exactly what I didn't mean!  

  I'm sure you're husband is a fine, respectful (and respected!) gentleman. I can only imagine how much you worry about him while he's on the job. Since he does, in fact, really like the cats, it sounds like you'll be able to work things out.

Here's another idea. You'll probably still have to lint roll in the morning if the cats are sleeping with you at night. But after you lint roll and make the bed, you could place a large king-size blanket that completely covers the bed and pillows that the cats can lay on during the day. Just before bed, you can carefully take the blanket off and wrap it up in such way that the underside is always the clean side. Just a thought! 

I hope your fiance accepts your newly acquired mad de-furring skills so that the kitties can sleep with you! 

Yes, I am thinking make the bed and out a kind size sheet over the comforter - I can then just fold it over and keep it on his side they can sleep.   I guess we all have to compromise - some how getting married later life means I have a lot of strong opinions and even more stubborness!

 

[betsygee]

 
Yes, I am thinking make the bed and out a kind size sheet over the comforter - I can then just fold it over and keep it on his side they can sleep.   I guess we all have to compromise - some how getting married later life means I have a lot of strong opinions and even more stubborness!

Yeah, the older we get, the more set in our ways we get!  Keeping a sheet over the bed comforter during the day helps a lot.

 

[lilin]

You know, personally, I always side with my cat. Why?

Because she is completely and totally dependent on me. Every aspect of her life.

And when I took that on, I promised her that I would give her the best and most comfortable life I could.

She doesn't have choices. Humans do.

And also, she was here first. She lives here, you don't, you have choices, she doesn't, and thus her needs get more consideration. Deal.

If I was you, first I would try the discussion of keeping the sheets as fur-free as is realistically possible again. If you changed or cleaned them before he got home, he really has nothing to complain about.

If he really won't budge on that and insist the cats are not allowed there at all, I would say, "Well, then we have a problem. Because my cats are middle-aged, they've slept with me since [insert time here] and I am not going to simply kick them out of bed at this stage in their lives."

Because I wouldn't. If any guy had asked me to do that to my elder kitty, who had slept literally in my arms since kittenhood, I would have said absolutely not. Routine is extremely important to cats. Comfort and safety is important to cats. Bed time comes to represent that. On the few occasions I had to keep my elder kitty out for some reason, it upset her tremendously.

Also agree with GoHolistic. There's no reason not to think outside the box if this is a big issue.

But that's just me. And I've heard of people trying to make their partners get rid of their cats, so every guy I date hears, "Just so ya know, loving me means loving the cat. Just the way she is."

And there's no reason that's unreasonable. She's a sweet, wonderful creature. And she was here first.

 

[sarah ann]

You can always put extra sheets on the bed. Sometimes I layer the bed with 4 sheets, maybe you could try putting down several sheets and removing them every other night?

Have you tried clipping your cats? I bought Propet clippers and all my cats will let me clip them. Even my half feral one. I thought for sure she would object!

During shedding season, you can always clip!  I just clipped everyone a week ago.  Their last clip til next spring!

What about a furminator and daily brushing?

As for clipping, I use a size 10 blade and go with the hair (not against). It takes some practice but everyone looks fine!  Be careful using other size blades as cat skin is very fragile. I always hold the skin taunt as I clip. I usually leave a mane around the shoulders and head.