When the moment comes...

[kmd]

what a great post WT1964...

 

[mpcrocetti]

yes, I needed this message badly!.. I put my male cat to sleep and I can not find comfort at all !...I feel terrible but now that I read and received so many comments..THANKS!!!!!...THANKS TO ALL OF YOU WHO TAKE THE TIME TO WRITE KIND WORDS TO A STRANGER !!,...GOD bless you all !  Marie

 

[maggiemay]

...bumping this post, one of the most beautiful and comforting posts I've ever read.  Many of us need this.

 

[laura mae]

Facing that now for the 2nd time in less than 6 months. At Christmas, it was really clear that I had to do this for my cat Estelle. She had a good last day and then in the evening, meowed loudly once and then seemed to collapse. She couldn't stand up and very quickly wasn't responsive. It was a Sunday night, of course, and so we took her to the Emergency vet. They really couldn't see what was wrong but she deteriorated very quickly so the decision was clear.

Now I have my little Charlie girl who I learned Wednesday has a large tumor in her abdomen. She has a lot of fluid in her abdomen but that has decreased, interestingly. I have 5 days total of Buprenorphine for her to control any discomfort she has. She is alert, friendly, purring but mostly very quiet. There is no alternative ending to her story. She eats very little, still drinks water and is using the litter box.

It's hard to get the Buprenorphine into her cheek and I think it's the only thing that makes her comfortable. I'm worried that like Estelle, she will take a turn for the worst on a Sunday night. But I don't want to end her little life before she is ready. She doesn't seem ready.

I think like people who, at the end of life, lose interest in food and water, she is as well. She does eat a little but maybe a teaspoon of canned food and broth. With the fluid build up a couple of days ago, there probably wasn't room for food. But her distension in her belly has gone down significantly.

She alternates time in a nook she chose downstairs (where I have her favorite soft pad that she rests on) to being upstairs with us but in the hallway.

I don't want to make the decision simply to relieve myself of the wait and anxiety. I don't want to wait if she is suffering. She's a great cat, purred the whole time they did the x-rays and ultrasound. To me it seems like tonight still, she's okay with being here. I am happy that she has a few days where life is "normal." We aren't hovering around her and the other cats nuzzle her but pretty much leave her alone. Is there peace for her in this state right now? I don't know. I don't see stress but I might if there wasn't the Buprenorphine.

 

[wiskerlyluv]

I know you wrote this post a while ago, however, I gratefully just found it, and am entering that time when I must make the dreadful decision, probably within this next month. I never imagined just the thought of my cat, Grace who's 13, not being here would send me into such despair, but it has. Thank you so much for sharing these true, comforting words, which feel like a big hug and which I will read whenever I need strength during these end times with her. xo

 

[misty8723]

I don't know when the grief lessens. I guess you get past the tears most of the time (this is not one of those times), but it still hurts so very much.

 

[laura mae]

It was peaceful. The vet gave her a nice sedative so she went to sleep in my arms and on her favorite blanket. it was the first time in a few days that she felt just fine, I believe. It was the right thing at the right time. It that helps in thinking about it. The hardest part is the waiting to decide and waiting once the decision has been made.

 

[maggiemay]

 
It was peaceful. The vet gave her a nice sedative so she went to sleep in my arms and on her favorite blanket. it was the first time in a few days that she felt just fine, I believe. It was the right thing at the right time. It that helps in thinking about it. The hardest part is the waiting to decide and waiting once the decision has been made.

Laura Mae, I hated to hear about Estella and now Charlie.  My daughter recently lost Lexi, her little five pound 16-year-old.  It sounds like the very same thing happened to Charlie and to Lexi.  Lexi was never absolutely diagnosed; the aspirations were never conclusive for lymphoma, although three vets agreed that's what she had.  She too had an abdominal growth, although they weren't sure where it was, exactly (kidney, liver or abdomen).  Strangely, her blood work showed the metabolic profile of a 4-year-old cat.  She lasted three months.  She had more and more problems with fluid retention and therefore use of her back legs as time went on.  The day we finally made the decision, the vet said that the tumor had wrapped around her spinal cord and would go to her brain next.  Lexi had some quality time with her mom and her brother and sisters during those three months, but she was on Buprenex constantly.  I believe that Charlie was comfortable and at peace if she too was on it.  And I promise you, it's better to make that decision a bit too early than one day too late. You honored your commitment to Charlie and to Estella and your love for both of them.  Bless you, sweetie.  I know how hard this is.

 

[laura mae]

Thanks, MaggieMay. It does sound very similar. Little Charlie was completely unable to drink anything that last morning. So it was the right day. I'm guessing too it was lymphoma. I read more about it and that seems to be the progression and symptoms. I didn't want to do any needle aspiration because there was no point at that particular time.

 

[gordonsmom]

Can't tell you how many times over the years since I lost Gordon that I have come back to this site.  Back again as my kids and grandkids prepare to say goodbye to one of their babies.  I passed Gareth's post along as I have done other times to people who need to read this and connect.  To my dear grand-cat Rhodes, we love you - now go play pain free with Gordon, and Shotsie, and Amelia.  And I hope I am not back here again too soon to help myself through the loss of another of my beloved cats.

 

[zoeh]

I had to put my 16 year old cat who I named alex down just yesterday, she had diabetes and kept getting worse so I knew it was time. I still feel so guilty about putting her to sleep but this post made me feel confident in my decision, I love this post thank you so much for posting it. I hope one day we all can be reunited with our fur babies as if we were never separated.

 

[corvixa]

I put my ball of purr and fur to sleep 2 days ago, and have been searching for others that have been through it. Luna was 16 and a half, hyperthyroid problems for two years, but suddenly her kidneys started failing. I made the decision to put her to rest because I didn't want her to suddenly decline as my other cat had almost a decade ago where I was forced to make the decision to put her to sleep. I ask myself if I did it too early, it hurts, but I know I did the right thing. She still had good moments, but also had quite a few bad ones. The morning I took her in she had thrown up green bile. I carry the agony now so she will never have to. That was my final gift to her, and her gift to me was her lifetime of love, affection, company, and memories. I know the pain will ease, but it seems the more love you have the more intense the pain you'll feel over their loss.

 

[laura mae]

I put my ball of purr and fur to sleep 2 days ago, and have been searching for others that have been through it. Luna was 16 and a half, hyperthyroid problems for two years, but suddenly her kidneys started failing. I made the decision to put her to rest because I didn't want her to suddenly decline as my other cat had almost a decade ago where I was forced to make the decision to put her to sleep. I ask myself if I did it too early, it hurts, but I know I did the right thing. She still had good moments, but also had quite a few bad ones. The morning I took her in she had thrown up green bile. I carry the agony now so she will never have to. That was my final gift to her, and her gift to me was her lifetime of love, affection, company, and memories. I know the pain will ease, but it seems the more love you have the more intense the pain you'll feel over their loss.

To me it sounds like it was the right time. Especially when you describe her last day, but then also the good moments/bad moments.  Sixteen and a half is a testament to your care with hyperthyroid issues. Kidney problems are not unusual in elderly cats and when they fail it's awful for the kitty. She knew you loved her. As my niece told me, that last memory they have is of blissful sleep with you there. I'm very sorry you lost your dear friend. At that age, they have been through a big part of your life.

 

[ericsmom1000]

What it boils down to is this: Do you love your cat enough to let him or her go? It is the most painful decision to make, yet doing so proves the depth of love for your fur baby. Letting a cat (or any animal) suffer because you cannot say good-bye is the height of selfishness and cruelty. Return the unconditional love you have been given by releasing your cat from his or her misery when the time comes.

 

[samburgy]

I have to let my old girl Trouble go today. These words have helped me greatly, as they did before. Thank you.

 

[laura mae]

I have to let my old girl Trouble go today. These words have helped me greatly, as they did before. Thank you.

I'm so sorry. Peace to you.

 

[glencatman]

That was really nice, Gareth, and sorry for the loss of your kitten. I had to get both my calicos put to sleep two years ago because they both had cancer. I gave up on being "prepared" for that day. The best thing to do is just go with the grief and let it work it's way through, and take comfort in knowing that we gave our furry ones a good home.

 

[Dee Ashley]

I'm so relieved that this isn't something that I am going through alone, even if that's where any relief seems to stop.  You said it perfectly about not wanting your cat to suffer, but not wanting to do anything before the right time to ease your time in such an unbearable limbo (hell would be more accurate, honestly).  This is the most difficult question that has taken over most of my waking thoughts.  I don't believe my baby is ready yet, but I'm afraid he's getting close.  He's only five years old and was diagnosed with lymphoma only a week ago, but his decline has been faster than I would have thought possible.  As a side note, he is also on the same pain medication, so I'm also glad to hear that the bupeniphrine (sp?) seemed to work well to control your cat's pain.  I have two cats that have died in the past (as an adult).  One of them was diagnosed with leukemia, but his treatments worked wonderfully for over two years until the very last day.  I had no idea he was even close to death until right before I went to bed and noticed he was laying on his abdomen to relieve the pressure and this was a final step my vet had told me might happen near the end.  He passed away only hours later while I was asleep and as far as I know, did not suffer much at all.  My other cat had kidney disease, and when the treatments didn't work and his kidneys shut down, well, we all know that this means death within days or less.  I chose to euthanize him in my arms rather than let him die of heart failure alone in the vet's office.  The decision couldn't have been more clear.  

For the first time now, nothing is clear.  Nothing makes sense, and no one can seem to provide me with the "what to expect" stages, symptoms or progression of this cancer.  My heart broke for both of my cats I mentioned above, but the actual dying process with Jack is infinitely worse because these decisions aren't cut and dry as they were with my last kiddo and I didn't even have to make any decisions for Mokie, he knew when it was time, and he just never woke up again.  These were peaceful deaths and progressions.  This experience has been anything but peaceful or simple.  

Dang!  I did it again!  I'm so consumed with these fears and worries, that every time I try to comment or anything, I start to ramble, so I'm really sorry.  I'll stop here.  

But, in short, I totally relate to your dilemma and am experiencing it now.  I'm not glad that anyone has to go through this by any means, but I am glad that I'm not alone in these feelings.

Thanks to you and Garrett (I think that was the name of the OP) both for taking the time to write such kind, empathetic, and understanding words.  

Love and light,

Dee

 

[Dee Ashley]

I'm new to this site and thought that my comment would show up as a "sub-comment" under Laura May's post a a bit earlier.  So if my above post seems a bit confusing, it was a response to Laura May and an overall thank you to the OP for sharing such a heartfelt, beautiful thought with the world.  It means a lot.

I'm sorry if my posts are confusing. I'm just not used to the layout of a forum system I guess... 

Dee

 

[chai love]

Dee, I can relate to your post. I was told my Jinga Belle more than likely had lymphoma after two masses were found in her abdomen along with some bad results from her blood work. We found this out two weeks ago and the recommendation from the start was euthanasia. She saw three vets in that time and they all agreed that it would be a kind option for her. There really wasn't a whole lot we could do for her other than meds to make her a little more comfortable but I felt like her quality of life would still continue to be poor. She barely ate, never played, hid all the time, and had chronic diarrhea. For those two weeks I was tormented over what I should do for her. She was only 1.5 years old so to decide to put her suffering to an end was an unbearable decision to make. Ultimately it was decided to put her to sleep as we didn't want her to get to the point of not being able to move or clean herself. Last Friday on October 28th, we put her to rest. I feel tremendous guilt over making that decision for her and I just hope it was the right one. Sometimes I think I made the decision too soon. It's never an easy decision, whether a cat is a year old or 20 years old because they are our family. Cats hide their pain and suffering so well that it's easy to second guess yourself and wonder if ending it all for them is right or not.

Thank you to OP for this beautiful post. It has helped provide me with some comfort after having to make that decision a few days ago. The grief and guilt I feel is immense but after losing my other fur baby to FIP two years ago, I know the pain does ease over time. I just hope my sweet Jinga Belle would have agreed with my decision and that wherever she is, she's blissfully happy.