I need help - I don't know what to do. I have something that is just weighing me down, but if I address the issue it may make matters much worse. Thinking about it keeps me awake at night and I get into arguments with my hubby about it. Normally I am a decisive person, but I just keep waffling on what to do. Please help me decide what is right - am I even being rational about this. Let me try to put this down so it make sense - it may be a little lenghty - I apologize in advance.
My sister has always been the favourite child in my family. Not just for my parents, but for my grandparents on my mother's side as well. She was the only grandchild to be left anything in my grandfather's will - a car. I have always shrugged it off - I mean what could I do about it. My sister went away to university (to Scotland from Canada) to supposedly get her doctorate, which then turned into a masters which then turned into 7 years of school with nothin to show at the end. During that time my parents paid her Visa bills and for her trips home (plus her vacations around the world - she was stressed you know). She had borrowed alot of money from our godmother to help pay tuition, which would have been waived if she got her doctorate or masters. My parents are currently helping her pay it back.
I have always been the responsible daughter. After my mom had cancer surgery about 4 years ago I was the one who took time off work to help nurse her back to health. Around this same time my sister married and had her 1st child. Unfortunately she and her family live about an hour and half away from where my parents lived (they used to live 5 minutes away from me). After the cancer my mom insisted to my dad as he was about to retire that Lisa needed them. They moved to be near her and her daughter. My mom quit her job to look after my niece full time. 18 months later my sister had a 2nd girl, who my mother also looked after until my mom got cancer again (they had to go to day care for the 1st time in September this past year).
The girls (my nieces) seem to be the end all and be all of my mom's existance. She put's my sister and her needs even above her own health (she had the stomach flu - after recovering from radiation treatment and still took care of my niece's when they were too sick to go to daycare). She pays for all the diapers they use when they are at her place and she never comes back from a store without something for the girls. My sister is over there at least 1 to 2 days per week for dinner. Often my mom is responsible for the girls from early in the morning to late at night as my sister is a teacher and coaches some teams.
My sister's husband is a very irresponsible father. He took a job that requires much travel. During the weeks that he is away, my sister just moves into my parent's house to live as she "can't handle the girl's on her own". During that time my parent's pay for everything. And still they get my parents to occasionally babysit on the weekend.
My mom constantly talks about "her girls". If they are sick, she can't go a day without talking to them. Anything they want they get. After I told her Kevin was very sick last week, she didn't even call for 3 days to check on him. He is lucky if he gets to see my parents every 3 to 4 weeks. My mom complains jokingly that Kevin doesn't even know her because he now cries when she visits. She made me a promise after I got pregnant again that she would make sure that she came at least every 2 weeks so that she could help take care of Kevin when I am in the hospital - she hasn't kept that promise. When she was last her 3 weeks ago he cried everytime she tried to hold him.
She seems to show no interest in either of my pregnancies, all conversations turn to the girls. I am also mad at my sister for taking advantage of my mom - but then again my mom allows it. My sister never has to miss work due to her kid's being sick, because my mom always takes them.
It not about the money (ok not only about the money). My parents has saved my sister thousands upon thousands of dollars by being daycare, diaper purchasers and food providers. She buys presents for the girls on other people's birthdays so that they don't feel left out - but not Kevin. Money that my children will never see.
It is about the discrepancy that I see in the way my mom treats both families. I am hurt, I feel disrespected and second best. My husband says I should confront my mom about how I feel. I want to, but I feel that this would just make matters worse. I doubt my mom will even see the discrepancy. I told my husband that I would wait until she recovered from her most recent cancer treatments - she has now and is currently cancer free. I was going to tell her last weekend when she called but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I don't know what to do.
Am I even right to feel this way?
Should I just learn to let it go?
Sorry for the lenghty rant, but I can't seem to talk to anyone in my "real person" life the way I can to you guys.
Thanks
My sister has always been the favourite child in my family. Not just for my parents, but for my grandparents on my mother's side as well. She was the only grandchild to be left anything in my grandfather's will - a car. I have always shrugged it off - I mean what could I do about it. My sister went away to university (to Scotland from Canada) to supposedly get her doctorate, which then turned into a masters which then turned into 7 years of school with nothin to show at the end. During that time my parents paid her Visa bills and for her trips home (plus her vacations around the world - she was stressed you know). She had borrowed alot of money from our godmother to help pay tuition, which would have been waived if she got her doctorate or masters. My parents are currently helping her pay it back.
I have always been the responsible daughter. After my mom had cancer surgery about 4 years ago I was the one who took time off work to help nurse her back to health. Around this same time my sister married and had her 1st child. Unfortunately she and her family live about an hour and half away from where my parents lived (they used to live 5 minutes away from me). After the cancer my mom insisted to my dad as he was about to retire that Lisa needed them. They moved to be near her and her daughter. My mom quit her job to look after my niece full time. 18 months later my sister had a 2nd girl, who my mother also looked after until my mom got cancer again (they had to go to day care for the 1st time in September this past year).
The girls (my nieces) seem to be the end all and be all of my mom's existance. She put's my sister and her needs even above her own health (she had the stomach flu - after recovering from radiation treatment and still took care of my niece's when they were too sick to go to daycare). She pays for all the diapers they use when they are at her place and she never comes back from a store without something for the girls. My sister is over there at least 1 to 2 days per week for dinner. Often my mom is responsible for the girls from early in the morning to late at night as my sister is a teacher and coaches some teams.
My sister's husband is a very irresponsible father. He took a job that requires much travel. During the weeks that he is away, my sister just moves into my parent's house to live as she "can't handle the girl's on her own". During that time my parent's pay for everything. And still they get my parents to occasionally babysit on the weekend.
My mom constantly talks about "her girls". If they are sick, she can't go a day without talking to them. Anything they want they get. After I told her Kevin was very sick last week, she didn't even call for 3 days to check on him. He is lucky if he gets to see my parents every 3 to 4 weeks. My mom complains jokingly that Kevin doesn't even know her because he now cries when she visits. She made me a promise after I got pregnant again that she would make sure that she came at least every 2 weeks so that she could help take care of Kevin when I am in the hospital - she hasn't kept that promise. When she was last her 3 weeks ago he cried everytime she tried to hold him.
She seems to show no interest in either of my pregnancies, all conversations turn to the girls. I am also mad at my sister for taking advantage of my mom - but then again my mom allows it. My sister never has to miss work due to her kid's being sick, because my mom always takes them.
It not about the money (ok not only about the money). My parents has saved my sister thousands upon thousands of dollars by being daycare, diaper purchasers and food providers. She buys presents for the girls on other people's birthdays so that they don't feel left out - but not Kevin. Money that my children will never see.
It is about the discrepancy that I see in the way my mom treats both families. I am hurt, I feel disrespected and second best. My husband says I should confront my mom about how I feel. I want to, but I feel that this would just make matters worse. I doubt my mom will even see the discrepancy. I told my husband that I would wait until she recovered from her most recent cancer treatments - she has now and is currently cancer free. I was going to tell her last weekend when she called but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
I don't know what to do.
Am I even right to feel this way?
Should I just learn to let it go?
Sorry for the lenghty rant, but I can't seem to talk to anyone in my "real person" life the way I can to you guys.
Thanks