Very difficult coping with loss of our cat

[denardis]

Thanks so much to everyone for their kind words.  It has been six days since we put our cat to sleep. His name was Zackary.  He was a Birman breed.

He was so beautiful and such a joy to have. He was my little man.  He was always there for me to have comfort with.  I miss him so much.

I am finding the days to be getting a little better.  Everyone has given me much support and understanding.  This site is wonderful.  The comments have helped me tremendously.  I shall not forget Zackary - ever.   I only hope that if we do indeed meet someday that he will thank me for putting him out of his misery sooner than later.  I hope he will be OK with that and come over and rub up against me and wag his tail.  He was so special.

 

[denardis]

Thanks you so much for you post last night. I know the pain you have had is unbearable at times. Your boy, his jumping up on you was truly special. He was so fortunate to have you. He loved you immensely. One day your pain will begin to subside more and you will also be looking back with fond memories. You boy is already at your side and is with you everyday. He is still waiting for you when ou come home or after your workout. I know you will never forget he is there.
You took the time to express your feelings about your boy and my boy as well. You have so many good words to share. The hurt is very deep for both of us. Last night I sat in my usual chair and where the Zackery (my cat's name) would automatically jump up and lay against me. I stroked the chair symboling his being there. This morning I was up sitting in my morning chair in which he would always jump up on my lap and would be so content to be there with me. I miss him so much. Everything in the house reminds me of him. My wife still thinks I am still taking this too hard. Maybe she is right, but the hurt is hard to put aside. I think to myself often if I should have extended his life. I could have done that, but I would have no idea if he would be still uncomfortable at times and when he would begin to fill up with fluid again, then how long would that go on before I would again notice it and have to bring him back to the vest to be drained. I would be casuing him pain to keep me- without the pain of not having him - a little selfishness on my part. I also think that life should be cherished. I tried to compare my son to my cat.If they told me my son had fluid in his lungs and abdormen, then would I consider pulling the plug. Absolutely no. I would do everything in my power to do whatever I needed to do - that's our love for our children. Then I think about Zack and how I did condemn him to death for something I could have extended a little longer. To me there is little differenece, except that it is a cat. Should I treat it differently. Alot of people would say yes. The Cat lovers would say no. To calm me down a little, I think about how cats normally engage with people. Most cats after they are around you for a ltitle bit will rub up against you. Most will purr if they know you when you pet them - even if you only knew the cat for as little as a day. Cats like to be petted and comforted and they acknowlege it rather easily. Cats also get into routine's very easily. They remember very well the good times - who feeds them and when and where they can lay down and can't. They remember voices and your touch - items thatt comfort them. My Zackery did all of these things, but in practicallity would have done similar things for anyone else if they cared for him and showed him affection. Cat developed good things into habltis rather quickly and also had a good memory for avoiding items they do not enjoy. My Zackery surely loved, but he would have loved anyone else the same way if they paid the same attention to him that I did. I was priveleged since I was him favorite guy as I was always in his presence. I have to begin to think of Zackaery this way in order to heal more. I have to begin to feel that yest I was special, but anyone else in his life that did what I was doing - petting, feeding him, comforting him would be just as special. If I continue to think no other cat on this earth would do what Zack was doing then I am creating a train wreck for myself. All cats in general are affectionate animals- same as dogs. They are dependant on us and we on them for emotional support and comfort as well. We alwasy tell ourselves that animals are always there for us which is true. But any animal that we would care for would be there for us - so I can't continue to think that Zackery was doing the impossible or my train wreck will start all over again. I want to remember him for him, I want to treasure his ashes and the memories fo the comfort and love he gave me - making me always feel special and my making him feel the same way. I simply have to get over this in this way to try do divorce the connection a little bit. Otherwise the healing will take too long. I would like to get another Birman cat, but my wife is against it. I think a comfor a cat gives is one of the best comforts you can get from your pet. Maybe one day it will happen. Send me your personal e-mail and I will send you a picture of Zackery.

Take care my friend - your post has helped me tremendously.

 

[catconcern]

Hey denardis. Reading through your post a second time. You summed it up beautifully and as I would have myself. I think we both share the same points and views, we are very similar. I like you agree that if that was our son, there would have been no way we would have pulled the plug and not drained the fluid. I guess to answer why we did it, at the time we probably thought because our cats are such small creatures, we don't want our little boys to suffer. I think maybe we think because they are so small, they can't endure what we can. Looking back at it they are very tough and resilient, probably more so than humans. Not in physical strength, but what they can sustain. Who knows. I think in some ways they are tougher, and some we are tougher. The fact they can't talk as well de-humanizes them and they aren't humans of course, although to us, they are. In the sense, they are equally or as just important. Hindsight is a son of a gun, looking back we will always second guess and look at what we should or shouldn't have done. But I think it comes back to you for when you saw the look on your boys face and it was just too much for him. Even for a human, to keep drowning over and over again and living in agony, you wouldn't want that. As I said, in some ways animals are stronger, in some they are not. I do think for a small creature like a cat, going through what your boy went through, was too much for a small cat to sustain, hence, you made the right decision.

I think if you want another cat, you should get one. The companionship and love they offer does so much for someone's life. I do want not one, but two kittens for me. Even when my boy was alive I wanted that. I want them now. But I feel like I'd be betraying my boy and as much as I want it, I don't want them resting in his room or on his things, sleeping on his ironing board or spots where he did. I don't want to have to go to the toilet at night and look on the ironing board and see them in his spot. I wouldnt let them. And when I'd cuddle my boy at night and he'd lay on me and my bed, I don't want that with any other cats. That was me and my boys things. I miss him. I still feel bad for the way it all unfolded. It feels like the devil has tormented me personally and wants to see me suffer. My legs just shook after I wrote that then. It is cold here atm though. What plagues me is what everyone knows already.

- I scared my cat before the vet with my crying

- I told him I'd do everything for him before we left for the vet and wouldn't give up on him

- On the way to the vet I promised him I wouldn't put him down

- the cage he was in wasn't good to get him out they scared him and made him really tense

- I said what could have been a final goodbye, which it was, and I left him scared

- I didn't go back and see him a second time while he was conscious 

- I didn't go through with his operation, I did put him down

- I broke my promises to him

Why on earth didn't I just get him stitched up to come home. Like you I felt I should have extended his life. I feel he wasn't on his death bed. I felt I ended his life prematurely. He groomed himself, he jumped on the window sill. He wasn't growling or grizzling in pain. I took him to the vet to preserve his life, and I did the opposite. Even when on the way there in my mind I said the vet will tell me to put him down, do not do it. No matter what. Stitching him up and allowing him to come home would have been better than just putting him down. I didnt do everything for him. I didnt even give him one more chance. I would have saw him again and wouldn't have broken that promise and left him scared. As mentioned, if he was suffering even that night, I would have put him to sleep. I felt I didnt do everyhting for him and did give up on him after I said I wouldnt. He deserved more time, and I don't think he was ready to die yet. The vet even said to me they could have stitched him up and put a thing around his head and neck so he couldn't knaw away at the stitches in his side. In my mind at the time it was no, we have to get this insidious cancer out of his body now. I thought I only had 2 options, operation as the cancer was killing him quickly and act upon it fast, or put him to sleep. I didnt go through with the operation as on the vets advice it would have been even worse for him to have so much cancer removed from his body especially given the state he was in. But by stitching him up, at least let him have whatever time he had left to be spent at home, and more life. Again, if he was suffering, whether it be one hour, one day, one week, one month, I wouldn't have had my baby suffer and would have put him to sleep. I just think he wasn't ready to go, had more time, wasn't at that critical stage yet and I ended his life on this earth early and he wasn't ready to depart this earth. It didn't help that I did that as well as leaving him scared, breaking promises etc. 

As you do know I didn't go and see him a second time while he was conscious because I didnt want to put anymore of my fear and negativity into him before his operation. My mum had a positive experience with him when she saw him, I wanted him going into surgery on a good note. But I knew he may not wake up from  the surgery alone hence, why didn't I say a better goodbye? Ahhh I'm repeating myself over and over and telling people the same story. I'm sorry. Like you I'm just really hurt. I think you did do the right thing though, and your baby was at that critical stage and if you didn't put him down you just would have been prolonging his suffering. I don't think mine was. I've seen my grandma's cat and he was at that critical stage and he was just bed ridden. Not doing anything. My boy was very stationary for much of the day I won't lie but he was still eating a little, going to the toilet, grooming himself, going outside once a day. He didnt go outside that morning but wanted to, I went back to sleep so mum wouldnt let him go in case I wouldnt be around to rescue him. Later on in the day when I was awake, he didnt want to go though when I asked him and that is nt like him. So I know he was in pain. He purred for half an hour at least early in the morning though, he rubbed himself against me and ran outside the laundry door when I opened it as he always did because he was always eager to go outside. So that's why I question what I did. 

Denardis my good friend I'm not trying to say I'm suffering worse than you because I am not. We are both ripped to shreds and love our boys dearly. I am just pointing out, that I believe you did a hell of a lot better than I did and you didn't make mistakes. I think you handled things a lot better than what I did, and you were sure and believed in your decision at the time. It could have been so much crueler for you. You did well my good man. You did very well. Your baby was at that critical stage. You prevented him from what was going to be 100 percent guaranteed suffering and no quality of life and he was at that critical stage. I believe when you had the relationship that you had with your baby, like many of us had, it was meant to be. We were all meant for each other. God put these little companions in our lives because it was meant to be. They were, are, and always will be our soul mates and guardian angels.

God bless us all.

 

[catconcern]

Also, death is inevitable. It is for all of us and every animal. Of course we would have been devastated and feeling the grief and sadness, loss and pain when they went. I guess for you and I, it's the circumstances and second guessing which is taring us up even more so. For me personally, it's just all the things I listed that made it so cruel and hard to deal with. Of course for myself. But first and foremost, my boys feelings, thoughts, health, wants and needs and well being were always more important to me. And for me personally, I feel I failed him in so many ways in his most critical time of need. I feel like I ended his life prematurely. That's where you and I can relate. But in your case, I don't think you did. In fact, I know you didn't end his life prematurely. You saved him. You saved him what would have been immense suffering, which he already had. You spared is life. Intense suffering, is no life denardis.

Much love

 

[denardis]

Again, I want to thank you for giving me your thoughts. You did everything ou could for your cat..

To comment on what you said:
- I scared my cat before the vet with my crying.
Cats can sense when people are scared. Your Cat well understood how much you cared

- I told him I'd do everything for him before we left for the vet and wouldn't give up on him.
This is a comfort mechanism for us to want to do whats right for our pet and also for us. Alot of emotions go thru one's mind up until
the point of decision time. Your heart was in the right place.

- On the way to the vet I promised him I wouldn't put him down.
You did wha your heart told you to do.

- the cage he was in wasn't good to get him out they scared him and made him really tense.
Cats are naturally tense when new people are around

- I said what could have been a final goodbye, which it was, and I left him scared.
He knew that you were near

- I didn't go back and see him a second time while he was conscious.
What's done is done. Don't question yourself. It's OK - your buddy forgives you.

- I didn't go through with his operation, I did put him down.
You did the right thing - for him

- I broke my promises to him.
No you didn't. You gave him the ultimate gift of less pain.

It has now been over one week since my cat has passed and I am much better. I am now thinking about the good times we had.
I think to myself that if I would have extended his life a week ago by having his belly and lungs drained, then he probably would have had
a several good days of eating and drinking well, laying on my lay, being happy and alive. But, I also have to think that about this time and I am only guessing, that his lungs and/or belly may not be feeling good as they may already be filling up with fluid and he may be uncomfortable. In essence, I would be giving him additional torture and discomfort as a selfish act on my part - so I would not be in distress. It would not be fair for me to put him through this for me. I would eventually have to take him back to the vet and this time I would have to euthanize him. What would I say to him - that I keep you alive a little longer so "I woulld not be in pain". This would not be a good response to myself. A few days ago a friend of mine died at 54 with a wife and two boys (21 and 23). I went to the funeral home last night. The family is really broken up. The wife is taking it very hard, but the boys are especially taking hard. You have to put life in perspective. Here is a human life that affected so many people and especially the family, but life must go on. Today we learned that Robin Williams died. Life is about - life and death and we must deal with it.
There is not back door, a way out, a get out of jail card. People and pets we love will come and pass. We will be there sooner than we think.
My father died at 96 and he told me shortly before he died 12 years ago, that "life if short, he could remember something when he was 4 years old with his mother that he thought was quite amazing, he said we are here for only a "little while", The time will fly past us and before we know it, we
will be at the end. Life is not to fear, since we have no control.
To anyone what that has lost a pet. I now agree that time heals all. I will honor the cat I had with memories and the comfort he gave me and I
gave him.

Take care. . .

 

[denardis]

I thought I would make a comment on losing my cat on August 3. His name was Zackary. He was a Birman. He was 14-1/2 years old.
The grieving for me at the beginning was very stressful. After three weeks, I am now more composed and my thinking is more clear.

The day we euthanized our cat will always be remembered by me. Alot of people in this website have repeatedly told me I did the right thing.
My friends have said the same thing. I often think about the "right thing" that I did - but it still does not feel like "the right thing" to me.
The cat's lungs had fluid in them and his belly had fluid as well. This was the second time for his lungs and only the first time for his belly.
The Vet indicated at the time that draining would be temporary and for certain they would fill up again - in a week, month but it would definitely
happen again. I reflect on the "right thing I did" and still cannot get over the fact that it was "right". Sure, the cat was suffering with the fluid, but did
I have an obligation to do more than I did. If it was the right thing, then why do I still feel it wasn't ? I could have paid $1500 to $,2000 to have him fixed up and for an overnight stay in hospital. I could have affforded it and I wonder if I should have ? Zackary was my close companion - always waiting for me at door when I would come home, sitting on my lap every morning and evening. He was content. I was his everything in "his world". If he was hungry, I fed him so he was not hungry. If he was afraid of the tunder, then my lap was always there. No matter how scared he was, even during his sickness, he would look at me for comfort - to be petted. So, did I owe it to my companion to do "everything I could do",
whatever the cost for if the tables were turned then doesn't a pet do all they can to comfort us ? Pets such as dogs give their lives to their owners.
Perhaps a cat can't protect us well, but he sure would try. And for this level of loyalty - are we supposed to put them to sleep since they cause a
little inconvenience for us such as monetaryh expense and a little more cleaning up. I mean are we supposed to think "it's just a cat". Or should we be thinking a close companion such as a pet is much more than "just a cat or just a dog". Somehow or other, I feel I took a step that was not mine to take. God was not ready for him, or he would have already taken him. My actions to me was similar to my taking him in the back yard and shooting him - because he "was just a cat". I don't know how other cat or dog owners feel, but to condemn a good friend to death is terrible and I will never feel it was right.

 

[catconcern]

Denardis u didn't kill him. It wasn't like u took him at the back and shot him. U spared him the inevitable pain. Remember the look of pain in your boys eyes? You both knew it was bad. You saved him further pain. I know exactly the way you are feeling. But u are not to blame. You gave your boy a peaceful death otherwise it was only a matter of time before he drowned alive.I'll respond to you more in depth a little later.

 

[di and bob]

In your first post you said the vet explained your precious baby had heart and liver disease. A million dollars would not have saved him, all those vet stays to drain him would have been a temporary solution. He would have suffered over and over again when he started filling up with fluid again. There was absolutely nothing you could do to change the inevitable outcome. I know it feels like 'playing God", but the only way to look at it is if it was YOU would you want someone else to have this power over you and your suffering, or to be able to let you end it in the loving arms of those who love you? A loving God would not let suffering take place, but it sometimes happens for reasons we are not able to understand. Guilt is awful, I carry it with me, too, everyday. My sweet Chrissy followed me onto the street and I didn't know it. I'll live with the horrible outcome for the rest of my life, but I know she would never want me to be so sad, but to remember the good times, not that horrible day, and to keep her alive in my heart. Guilt is a normal part of the grieving process and it sometimes takes a LONG time to heal a broken heart. Zackary was NOT 'just a cat', he was a loved member of your family and it hurts to lose him so much. He knew this, and I'm sure he was so grateful and happy that he got to spend 141/2 years with you. You will never be the same, there just is no way, but you learn to live a different way, and in time you'll remember the happy times and the love you two shared with a smile instead of tears. Keep busy, you may want to help another unfortunate cat in your baby's memory, I go to the Humane Society several times a year and pay for the adoption of whatever cat has been there the longest in my Chrissy's name. Even though I still can't bear to open my heart to another yet, it does warm my heart to know another little soul may now have a chance at love. Please take care, I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.