Tabitha's time came, but could I have had more?

[hspot]

I don't think I can write this out again, because I posted it in another cat forum and was in tears whilst doing it. So I will just copy/paste it from over there. I'm just wondering if I did the right thing?.....or if I was just ignorantly foolish and lucky throughout her life!?!?
.......
Hi,
I am really struggling with a decision I had to make to put my sweet Tabitha down last Monday. She was a little over 19 years old, and I got her at 4 months...could have been weeks, I don't remember. She, in fact, chose me. I walked through the whole animal shelter quad, and looked at every one. I got to the very last cubicle, and her description read, "Tabby Calico; very skittish". She came right up the window and looked at me and called me with those eyes. She was mine! I was never really able to provide the needed care/maintenance that most do for their cats, I struggle with income. She went to the vet maybe 7 or8 times in her life, if that. She was indoor only, so I didn't see the need for most vaccines or flea control(STUPID, I know). Well, I guess she just recently turned 19, because I got her in October of '04. 3 months ago, she lost her sight due to detached retinas from high blood pressure/hypertension. It came back, thank God, due to her BP meds. But I could tell her life might be nearing it's final stages soon...but I thought I'd have at least another year with her. In her last month or more, she had been biting and scratching A LOT, way more than I have ever seen her do. Stupid me didn't pay much attention to it since I wasn't getting bitten by fleas. On her last day of life, she wouldn't move when I pushed/coaxed her. She just laid by the front door screen(so that she could get better oxygen it seems obvious to me now). I knew something was wrong so I called her vet and they said bring her right in. They said she was very anemic, very low blood pressure, and she didn't have a good gait at all. The vet told me she could giver her a flea injection(not verbatim, I just forget exactly what it was), and giver her fluids under her skin. But she said she might perk back up, only to crash again the next day. I was broke, I had no clue what I had to do? When they were giving her oxygen, Tabitha was alert and I was sure she was getting better. But when the oxygen was taken away, she crashed within a few minutes. I didn't want to let her go! It was the hardest decision I ever had to make, this being my first pet, other than family pets when I was young. I sat there crying uncontrollably, not knowing what to do. She was 19, she lived a great life. I didn't want her to go! The vet said she had clients, and to make a decision when I could. So I did. I let her go. The vet came in after letting me be with her for about 15 minutes alone. Gave her the sedative to put her to sleep before the euthanasia. I watched her fall asleep for the last time while kissing her beautiful face. I took her to the pet cemetary to have her cremated. But while waiting the next few days to get her ashes, I had an infestation of fleas in my place now. OH MY GOD!! How many of those things were on her??? The vet told me she had anemia due to fleas most likely, because she saw a lot of flea dirt on her. So it's obvious now that THIS is what brought her to her end! But could I have had the vet give her the flea shot(?) and fluids, and had another year or a few more months at least with her?? I feel so guilty! If I had the money, I could have avoided this altogether because she would have hade ALL the things that normal cat owners give to their cats, and these fleas would not have been a problem. Yes, I had her for 19 years....but those must have been a very lucky 19 due to my lack of knowledge and ignorance of how to take care of a cat! This is haunting me now, I don't know if I'll be able to forgive myself. I loved her so much.
Sorry, once I started writing this, everything just came to the surface again.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Hi. I am so sorry for your loss of Tabitha.

I think from all that you have said, it would have taken more than just some flea shot and fluids. To even have a chance of recovery, she would have likely had to be in a hospital for days, getting blood transfusions, staying on oxygen, possibly with a feeding tube if she wouldn't eat on her own, and god knows what else. And, if something else was contributing to her condition, it may not have been resolvable at all. If that were to have happened, she could have spent most of her remaining time away from you.

My 19+ yo cat, Feeby, who has multiple health issues, has been struggling with fleas for a few years now, up to the point that my husband was being bit. We treated her, the house, the outside, and managed to get them down to a controllable amount. But, throughout all of the time this was going on, she was never diagnosed with anemia. So, I wonder if there were other factors that played a role in Tabitha's anemia.

What I am saying is that you cannot count on what the vet wanted to do as if it would have changed much, if anything, for Tabitha. And, even so, for how long?

She, like my cat, had a long, long life. That unto itself is more than many get with their beloved cats. There is never going to be a time that letting go isn't going to be hard. I will go through a long grieving process when Feeby needs to leave us, and I know you are doing that with Tabitha. But I will try to remember all the years we had together and cherish that she was with me for so long.

I hope you can do the same to honor Tabitha's time with you, rather than agonizing over what could have maybe amounted to very little additional time and possibly her going through all kinds of treatments in the hopes of adding what might have not been any quality time.

When you are ready to do so, please share stories and pics of Tabitha here - they can serve as an ever-lasting tribute to her. RIP little Tabitha.

 

[hspot]

Hi. I am so sorry for your loss of Tabitha.

I think from all that you have said, it would have taken more than just some flea shot and fluids. To even have a chance of recovery, she would have likely had to be in a hospital for days, getting blood transfusions, staying on oxygen, possibly with a feeding tube if she wouldn't eat on her own, and god knows what else. And, if something else was contributing to her condition, it may not have been resolvable at all. If that were to have happened, she could have spent most of her remaining time away from you.

My 19+ yo cat, Feeby, who has multiple health issues, has been struggling with fleas for a few years now, up to the point that my husband was being bit. We treated her, the house, the outside, and managed to get them down to a controllable amount. But, throughout all of the time this was going on, she was never diagnosed with anemia. So, I wonder if there were other factors that played a role in Tabitha's anemia.

What I am saying is that you cannot count on what the vet wanted to do as if it would have changed much, if anything, for Tabitha. And, even so, for how long?

She, like my cat, had a long, long life. That unto itself is more than many get with their beloved cats. There is never going to be a time that letting go isn't going to be hard. I will go through a long grieving process when Feeby needs to leave us, and I know you are doing that with Tabitha. But I will try to remember all the years we had together and cherish that she was with me for so long.

I hope you can do the same to honor Tabitha's time with you, rather than agonizing over what could have maybe amounted to very little additional time and possibly her going through all kinds of treatments in the hopes of adding what might have not been any quality time.

When you are ready to do so, please share stories and pics of Tabitha here - they can serve as an ever-lasting tribute to her. RIP little Tabitha.

Thankyou so much, that helped me more than you know. Yes, the vet did mention that Tabitha 'would' need a transfusion, need to be hospitalized, and all the other that you mentioned. So I am more at east now that I have heard you say this too. I do not have any storied that I can think of for her. Pets take on the aura of their owners,so like me, she was very chill and laid back. I definitely saw a lot of myself in her actions....or non actions since we are both so chill. I will see if I can figure out how to post the only 3 pictures I have of her on this computer. One of them is my avatar. I was having fun with her and putting glasses on her. She was a BIG girl, and still lived til 19. She was upwards of 20lbs at one point in her life. When she left me, she was 15lbs.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Those are great pics, and a true depiction of Tabitha from what you have said!

Big girls can do well too! Feeby was once upwards of 18 pounds, she is now around 12. She is laid back too, although much more than me! I wish her aura would have rubbed off on me.

 

[hspot]

I just picked up her box of ashes and thanked her for spending her life with me, balling the whole time...still.

 

[FeebysOwner]

Bless you and Tabitha. I understand this is so hard.

When Feeby passes (), her ashes will rest alongside Tawny's (15yo/FIP) and Gracie's (12yo/cancer). It never gets easier, but I treasure all the time I was able to have with each one of them.

 

[hspot]

And thankyou so much again for what you told me in your first reply. That helped me so much to not feel as guilty, mirroring what the vet told me. I honestly don't know what to do with her ashes? I live in a condo, and can't spread them here. I don't know if I should spread them somewhere, and say goodbye to her that way? I was just planning on keeping them, just to have her near me always. But I don't know if I need to say goodbye by getting rid of her ashes?

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentIe, Tabitha, dream you deep. Your pawprints are on someone's heart forever.

Nineteen years is a remarkable age for a cat, and a testament to your love and your care for your girl. However, where there is love, an eternity together would not be long enough. And you did the most unselfish thing we can ever do. You put your baby girl's wellbeing ahead of your own heartbreak, and did not leave her to languish in a sort-of half life. Now, from her home in That Place Where All Things Are Known, she blesses you, and she sends her love, translated and purified into Love, back to walk with you down through all of your days. Because Love abides. Always, forever, Love abides.

 

[straycat31]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is probably the most difficult. We always feel we could have done more but I strongly believe that we do everything we can to help them. When my Macy died of cancer in 2015, I felt better once her ashes were given to me. I felt like she was home and I still have them to this day.

 

[FeebysOwner]

I've kept my kitties' ashes with me too. But you do what you think is right for you.

 

[di and bob]

You gave her the most important thing she needed, love.......There is ALWAYS guilt when a loved one passes, if they die at home we have guilt that they suffered. You gave her 19 years of love and that is what she wanted most in this life. Remember guilt happens when we have intentions to do something wrong, your only intention was to love her. It sounds to me you did right, especially where she could not breathe without supplemental oxygen. Most older cats are anemic anyway, you had no idea about the fleas. Don't dwell on all those should haves, could haves, they bring nothing but pain. Concentrate instead on what she brought to your life, and the legacy she left you, a legacy of love. She would never want you to be so sad, go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted for her to go on if you were the first to go, she wants no less.
The bond of love that connects your souls can never be taken from you. It is spiritual, so eternal. The new path she follows will always parallel your own. She was in your life for a reason, and that reason is to teach you what love is.
I can tell you, with matters of the heart, time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of grief. and it takes a lot of it. Be gentle on yoruself, and make no big decisions right now. Keep those ashes by your side. There is no rule they must be scattered.
One day your grief will turn to gratitude for having her in your life, but that is a long way off right now. just get through the next minute, the next hour, one day at a time........RIP beautiful Tabitha. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again......

 

[hspot]

I am sorry for your loss. Losing a pet is probably the most difficult. We always feel we could have done more but I strongly believe that we do everything we can to help them. When my Macy died of cancer in 2015, I felt better once her ashes were given to me. I felt like she was home and I still have them to this day.

Yes, I felt much better....well not better, but it did feel good to have her back with me when I got her ashes. I still talk to her every day....I thank her for letting me have her in my life for the past 19 years. I put her up on a marble stand right at my living room window, so she can look out where she did a lot.

 

[hspot]

You gave her the most important thing she needed, love.......There is ALWAYS guilt when a loved one passes, if they die at home we have guilt that they suffered. You gave her 19 years of love and that is what she wanted most in this life. Remember guilt happens when we have intentions to do something wrong, your only intention was to love her. It sounds to me you did right, especially where she could not breathe without supplemental oxygen. Most older cats are anemic anyway, you had no idea about the fleas. Don't dwell on all those should haves, could haves, they bring nothing but pain. Concentrate instead on what she brought to your life, and the legacy she left you, a legacy of love. She would never want you to be so sad, go forward into the future and live it as you would have wanted for her to go on if you were the first to go, she wants no less.
The bond of love that connects your souls can never be taken from you. It is spiritual, so eternal. The new path she follows will always parallel your own. She was in your life for a reason, and that reason is to teach you what love is.
I can tell you, with matters of the heart, time is the only thing that helps to dull the sharp edges of grief. and it takes a lot of it. Be gentle on yoruself, and make no big decisions right now. Keep those ashes by your side. There is no rule they must be scattered.
One day your grief will turn to gratitude for having her in your life, but that is a long way off right now. just get through the next minute, the next hour, one day at a time........RIP beautiful Tabitha. You will never be forgotten, you will always have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again......

The one thing I feel guilty about now is I wasn't there when she was euthanized. I could only be with her when they knocked her out. It was too much for me... saw her still breathing when her vet took her away, but she was asleep. I hope she can forgive me for that. I owed it to her to be with her at the end...I just couldn't. I am gushing tears right now uncontrolably. I didn't think it would be this hard. I tried to prepare myself for the last year, knowing her time would be soon. But that was impossible.

 

[Mamanyt1953]

There is a reason that I refer to "after" as "That PIace Where AII Things Are Known." She KNOWS. And because she KNOWS, she aIso knows that there is nothing to forgive you for. Your heart was with hers, every step of the way. Your Iove was with her, and never Ieft. She knows this. Her onIy sorrow now is your guiIt over it. Forgive yourseIf, because she did not need to forgive you, she knew that there was nothing to forgive. You did your very best for her.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

And thankyou so much again for what you told me in your first reply. That helped me so much to not feel as guilty, mirroring what the vet told me. I honestly don't know what to do with her ashes? I live in a condo, and can't spread them here. I don't know if I should spread them somewhere, and say goodbye to her that way? I was just planning on keeping them, just to have her near me always. But I don't know if I need to say goodbye by getting rid of her ashes?

I'm so sorry about your loss of your darling Tabitha (who looks like a distant sister of my Madeleine, my avatar who crossed the bridge in 2020). Have you a shelf where you could put her ashes in a decorative urn or box? My one bookshelf (I'm also in a tiny unit) has my late cats' ashes on top.

 

[hspot]

I'm so sorry about your loss of your darling Tabitha (who looks like a distant sister of my Madeleine, my avatar who crossed the bridge in 2020). Have you a shelf where you could put her ashes in a decorative urn or box? My one bookshelf (I'm also in a tiny unit) has my late cats' ashes on top.

I have her box, with a picture of her as a kitten taped to the top, put on top of a marble stand that looks out over the courtyard of our condo. She frequently liked to look out there when she was young. She spend her whole life in this condo, it was her whole world.

 

[catloverfromwayback]

I have her box, with a picture of her as a kitten taped to the top, put on top of a marble stand that looks out over the courtyard of our condo. She frequently liked to look out there when she was young. She spend her whole life in this condo, it was her whole world.

That sounds perfect (if one can say that of such memorials).

 

[di and bob]

we think we prepare for what is coming, but when it does everything goes out the window. The heart cannot be prepared for something like this.....Don't ever think you were not with her at the end, you were in her heart and still are. she carries your love forever.......

 

[hspot]

It hurts me when I read all these responses.... "Your heart was with hers, every step of the way. Your Iove was with her, and never Ieft. She knows this. Her onIy sorrow now is your guiIt over it." "she knew I loved her no matter what"; "she carries my love forever"; I ball every time I read responses like this. But I know it is my healing process, I know it is needed. So thankyou everybody for everything you have said. I know I need it.

 

[hspot]

It hurts me when I read all these responses.... "Your heart was with hers, every step of the way. Your Iove was with her, and never Ieft. She knows this. Her onIy sorrow now is your guiIt over it." "she knew I loved her no matter what"; "she carries my love forever"; I ball every time I read responses like this. But I know it is my healing process, I know it is needed. So thankyou everybody for everything you have said. I know I need it.

I'm sorry, that was the wrong way to put it. I should have said it makes my heart ache whenever I read this. I don't want anyone to think I don't want these responses, because I need them. Thankyou.