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- #21
Ok Guys, First let me begin by saying I am sorry I havent posted. Things have been really hard lately, and I havent wanted to talk about anything because I cant even work things out in my head. Tony doesnt know what he wants, and I do,,I want him. I dont know if it will ever work out, even if we try, because I'm not sure how strong my trust in him is. Right now, we are taking a lot of space away from eachother, we are pretty much single, just without seeing other people. We still live in the same apartment, but we never ever see eachother. After the first post about how I was going to make his decision for him, and blah blah blah, I went home and told him my mind and tried to end it, in fact I did,, He pulled me back from the edge and talked me out of it. I dont know if it's the right decision, but we are going to take space for a while, a long while, and then we are going to re-evaluate the stiuation, and come to a somewhat more objective decision.
I may be dragging myself through the mud even more by doing this, and I may be losing something in the process, but the way I am trying to look at it is, if I walk out on it now, I will be losing even more. Whether it ends now because I end it, or it ends later after this space, because he wants to end it, then in either of those situations, it ends anyway. And it will hurt anyway. I might as well try.
Diane, yes marriage has been discussed, the only reason we arent married is because it would effect my need-based loans for school. This is so crazy to me,, he wants kids in like 2 yrs! And he wants to marry me, but he is confused right now.
I have made it clear to him, that if he chooses us, then that is what he is choosing completely, no turning back, no loop holes. I have also made it clear, that if he chooses us, that it will be the harder of the two options he is facing because we have a lot of work to do. Yes, it might dissuade him from choosing us, but if he does, I know he is willing to work against the odds for me, and if he doesn't, then I will know he didn't really want all of me.
I do not feel like the decision I am making is the right one, but I do not feel like any decision is the right one. I dont know if this space thing is the best idea, because that is what caused a lot of the probs in the first place. He told me that if I want to stay with a friend I can leave Conner with him,,,nice offer, but FAT CHANCE!
Oh guys, what to do, what to do. Do I try this, do I sit around and let him take his merry time to figure out whether or not I am worth the effort? Or do I walk away, and throw any possibilities there are away? And if I do stay, and he does choose me, will it even work? Will I always be questioning him and his faithfulness? And on top of that, if he chooses me, then, how am I supposed to spend time with him and his friends, because she is friends with all of his friends, and I just cant, and won't deal with trying to be cordial to a girl who has shown no respect for someone's relationship. I am so confused, I think I have a moment of clarity every now and then, but then the next instant, I feel completely different. It's not like I dont know what I want,, I desperately want to walk out and leave him, and I desperately want to make it work. LOL, see I know exactly what I want, I strongly want two opposing things. That makes it worse, I wish I just didnt care either way!
I may be dragging myself through the mud even more by doing this, and I may be losing something in the process, but the way I am trying to look at it is, if I walk out on it now, I will be losing even more. Whether it ends now because I end it, or it ends later after this space, because he wants to end it, then in either of those situations, it ends anyway. And it will hurt anyway. I might as well try.
Diane, yes marriage has been discussed, the only reason we arent married is because it would effect my need-based loans for school. This is so crazy to me,, he wants kids in like 2 yrs! And he wants to marry me, but he is confused right now.
I have made it clear to him, that if he chooses us, then that is what he is choosing completely, no turning back, no loop holes. I have also made it clear, that if he chooses us, that it will be the harder of the two options he is facing because we have a lot of work to do. Yes, it might dissuade him from choosing us, but if he does, I know he is willing to work against the odds for me, and if he doesn't, then I will know he didn't really want all of me.
I do not feel like the decision I am making is the right one, but I do not feel like any decision is the right one. I dont know if this space thing is the best idea, because that is what caused a lot of the probs in the first place. He told me that if I want to stay with a friend I can leave Conner with him,,,nice offer, but FAT CHANCE!
Oh guys, what to do, what to do. Do I try this, do I sit around and let him take his merry time to figure out whether or not I am worth the effort? Or do I walk away, and throw any possibilities there are away? And if I do stay, and he does choose me, will it even work? Will I always be questioning him and his faithfulness? And on top of that, if he chooses me, then, how am I supposed to spend time with him and his friends, because she is friends with all of his friends, and I just cant, and won't deal with trying to be cordial to a girl who has shown no respect for someone's relationship. I am so confused, I think I have a moment of clarity every now and then, but then the next instant, I feel completely different. It's not like I dont know what I want,, I desperately want to walk out and leave him, and I desperately want to make it work. LOL, see I know exactly what I want, I strongly want two opposing things. That makes it worse, I wish I just didnt care either way!