Hey guys, my life has just been full of drama and setbacks lately. The day after my recent scare with Conner, Tony and I talk, and he isnt happy in our relationship. Actually what it all boils down to, is that after 5 yrs of living together and having what I thought was a wonderful relationship, he is attracted to another girl. Wooh, ok, that's out. This is really hard for me. He hasnt cheated or done anything that could be construed as such, but he is very interested in someone else. I never saw it coming. I thought we were perfect together. We have talked and talked and talked ourselves blue in the face. We still love eachother and he wants to make it work, but then again he has all of these what-ifs in his head. He came to the decision that we would make it work, and we would rehabilitate our relationship, and I told him he needed to talk to the other girl, because she is likewise interested in him, and let her know what he plans to do, and close any open doors with her. So, he leaves to talk to her, and comes back even more confused, she has told him that she is very interested and wants to be with him, and feels quite deeply about it. And knowing for sure how she feels now, he regrets his decision to make it work with me, but he says he is sticking by it.
After a complete hysterical, nausious, sobbing, breakdown, and pretty much trying to convince him that 'we' are worth it, I had a moment of clarity and it dawned on me. I am being pitiful and pathetic. I have sobbed uncontrollably and havent eaten or slept in two days,,and although I love him with all of the pieces of my heart, I am not this person. I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.
Now, now that I have made this horrible decision that I dont want to enforce (although I know its right), I am really screwed. Over the past 5 yrs I have become so emotionally and financially dependent on him for everything. The emotional side will be a slow healing process, but there are many amazing women that face this very thing every day, so I know I will in time overcome that, but the immediate prob is the financial one. I am currently an unemployed college student, he and I split the car and insurance payments, now I will take those on on my own, (with no income, mind you) and I have no place to go. I have no family to help me through this difficult time, and I can sleep on friend's couches for a while, but that cant last. I have student loans and grants, but they cover school, and the extra covers about half of the monthly car costs (pymnt,ins) Even if I find a decent job, with my hectic school sched, I still cant afford to even SPLIT an apartment with a roommate! That is pitiful I know, when I said broke college student I meant it! So I have absolutely no clue what to do, with no financial assistance, and no support, I am utterly clueless. I cant take out any more loans, Ive looked into that, My credit is shot all to hell, and I cant get any credit based loans, and i already have all of the need based loans I can get. Phew, what to do?
I want to fall to pieces and dont have the luxury of doing so because I dont even know how I am going to survive. I am going to look into govt housing or assistance after school today. I also thought maybe I could live on campus, it would be cheaper than an apt, but then I couldnt have Conner, and anything that doesnt include him isnt an option. I just dont know what to do.
After a complete hysterical, nausious, sobbing, breakdown, and pretty much trying to convince him that 'we' are worth it, I had a moment of clarity and it dawned on me. I am being pitiful and pathetic. I have sobbed uncontrollably and havent eaten or slept in two days,,and although I love him with all of the pieces of my heart, I am not this person. I am strong and smart, and I do not have to result to trying to 'convince' him that I am worth it. When I get home today, I am going to make his decision easier for him. I am going to reiterate that I love him, but I will not play second-party to some crush he has on his co-worker. I am better than that, and I want him all or I want none of him. And until he is ready to do that, IF he is ever ready, or IF I even want anything to do with him further down the road, he can call me when he has realized what he wants in life.
Now, now that I have made this horrible decision that I dont want to enforce (although I know its right), I am really screwed. Over the past 5 yrs I have become so emotionally and financially dependent on him for everything. The emotional side will be a slow healing process, but there are many amazing women that face this very thing every day, so I know I will in time overcome that, but the immediate prob is the financial one. I am currently an unemployed college student, he and I split the car and insurance payments, now I will take those on on my own, (with no income, mind you) and I have no place to go. I have no family to help me through this difficult time, and I can sleep on friend's couches for a while, but that cant last. I have student loans and grants, but they cover school, and the extra covers about half of the monthly car costs (pymnt,ins) Even if I find a decent job, with my hectic school sched, I still cant afford to even SPLIT an apartment with a roommate! That is pitiful I know, when I said broke college student I meant it! So I have absolutely no clue what to do, with no financial assistance, and no support, I am utterly clueless. I cant take out any more loans, Ive looked into that, My credit is shot all to hell, and I cant get any credit based loans, and i already have all of the need based loans I can get. Phew, what to do?
I want to fall to pieces and dont have the luxury of doing so because I dont even know how I am going to survive. I am going to look into govt housing or assistance after school today. I also thought maybe I could live on campus, it would be cheaper than an apt, but then I couldnt have Conner, and anything that doesnt include him isnt an option. I just dont know what to do.