Not sure what I'm asking for, I'm just sick with grief and guilt. One of the feral cats I take care of died Tuesday night. For 6 years I've been taking care of a feral cat group living in a wooded area next to the parking lot where I used to work (I'm now retired but continue to take care of them). This cat has been coming around for about 1-1/2 years - not very often. About 3 years old. He isn't a true feral - someone abandoned him - although he is fearful of humans and wouldn't come very close to me. This fall I noticed he had caught a respiratory virus - most likely calicivirus. Then I didn't see him for while. When he next appeared, he seemed to be fine - eating, active, etc. On 2/16 when I went to feed them, he was in one of the houses I have set up for them. Didn't even know he was there until I got close to the shelter while shoveling the snow around them. He shot out of the house, but didn't go very far and I could see he wasn't feeling well. I talked to him and tried to get him to come to me but he wouldn't. He went to one of the bowls of food I had set out and ate a little. Then he went into another one of the houses farther away from me. I finished shoveling, left the food and water as usual, and came home. I tried to figure out what to do - I have traps but haven't used them in several years. I also used to have a place to keep the ferals I did trap to be neutered/spayed, but have since moved and no longer have a place to keep them. Plus, I have 2 feral kittens already in my laundry room waiting to be neutered/spayed and adopted out. And 9 of my own cats. I thought I would contact one of the local rescue groups to see if they could help me trap and get him medical attention. On Wed. morning when I went to feed them, he was dead. I feel like he was too sick to keep himself warm and froze to death. I should have gone back on Tuesday and done something. Not sure I'll get over this. I brought him home and took him to be cremated like I do my own cats. I have his ashes and will scatter some at the feral cat colony and keep the rest (as I do with all my cats who pass on). It's just not enough.