Should We Adopt A Cat?

[Sunny23]

Hi everyone! This is my first post and I'd love to get some honest opinions. I would like to adopt a cat, but my husband does not.

We've had a few cats in the past, before children. He started out not minding cats, but grew to not like them and feels that they're selfish, demanding, and not truly domesticated and shouldn't be kept indoors. He hates how they scratch furniture, jump on tables and countertops, shed, meow for food, etc. He can't seem to see any positives of owning a cat.

I miss having a cat. I miss having a cuddly, purring friend. I work from home and I would love the company of a feline friend. Our kids would too.

I found a cat who acts more like a dog and doesn't seem to display the behaviors that he has issues with. My husband seems somewhat willing to allow me to meet it and adopt it if I like it, but only for my sake and to make me happy. He said he just won't interact with it and I and the kids will be in charge of taking care of it and correcting any behavior issues. But if it scratches the kids or furniture within the first couple of weeks, he wants it gone.

As much as I'd love a cat, especially this amazing one, how can I bring a cat into our home when my husband only wants it for me? I feel that this isn't fair to the cat, or my husband. And I'll just need to get it into my head that I'll never own a cat again. Maybe I should volunteer somewhere to get a little cat time. I suppose there is a small chance that this cat could turn my cat hating husband into a cat lover, but, is it worth the risk?

Thank you!!

 

[mightyboosh]

What sort of cat did you have in mind? However dog-like, such as a Maine Coon, you'll probably get some unwanted scratching even from the best behaved one. It depends how serious he is about that part. I think you'll have to work on him. Be strong.

 

[petcatdogir]

you can adopt a calm breed cat like persian

 

[Hellenww]

I say get the cat. Prepare your home before bringing the kitty in.

He started out not minding cats, but grew to not like them and feels that they're selfish, demanding, and not truly domesticated and shouldn't be kept indoors.

Can't the same be said for children until taught proper manners?

You've found this site and everyone is willing to help you through any behaviors you'll need to work on.

Here are some articles to get you started.

15 Things You Should Know Before Adopting A Cat

The Dos And Don'ts Of Cat Behavior Modification

New Cat Checklist: What You Need To Get Before Bringing Kitty Home

How To Stop Your Cat From Scratching The Furniture

Kitten Proofing Your Home: 13 Practical Tips

 

[MargoLane]

I'd be cautious; if your husband is serious about giving away a cat for scratching furniture, then it's really not fair to the cat or the kids to get one. It's worse to get a cat, and give it away after a few weeks than not get one at all. You've had cats. You know there is a 99.99% chance that the cat will scratch the furniture at some point, even if they aren't super destructive. They will definitely jump on the counter, shed and meow for food. It seems like your husband just doesn't like the natural behaviour of cats. That's okay - not everybody does. Especially if you guys have had cats, and it didn't turn him into a cat lover, that might be a lost cause. Maybe keep talking about it? If your kids are young, it might be something he's more open to when they're older and less work. He may have more patience for pets at that point.

 

[MargoLane]

Forgot to add Sunny23 that I love the idea of volunteering. That is such a selfless way to get that cat love if you can't have it in your home. You'd really be turning something sad for you into something wonderful for cats in need. And if your kids are old enough, they could volunteer too!

 

[Sunny23]

Thank you, MargoLane ! My husband and I continued our conversation last night. It looks like where we stand now is I will meet the cat by myself first, and, if I fall in love and think it is a great match for our family, then we will all meet the cat. We will only go through with the adoption if we are all in agreement. If any of us (which would most likely be my husband), is not on board, then I will find other outlets, like volunteering (I agree, I think my kids might enjoy that too), visiting my Mom more and hanging out with her cats, etc.

I wonder if anyone has ever lived with cats before, Not liked them, and then met one special cat who they adored...

Ultimately, I am hoping and praying for the best outcome for everyone. I don't want to bring a cat home and cause my husband additional stress, which will then stress our marriage. I hope he falls in love with this special kitty. And I want this beautiful cat to have the best home possible, even if it's not ours.

 

[Adway]

Cats are selfish, demanding etc & Cats will be Cats. There is no turning away from that fact.

About scratching the furniture, you provide them enough scratching posts & they will (mostly) lay off scratching furniture. Additionally, its easier to cover the furniture with appropriate material.

About scratching kids, its more about kids' manner than cat's. If kids can be respectful to cat, cat will not go out of the way to scratch kids. They are larger beasts with bigger teeth. No intelligent cat will engage them.

Despite all this, Your husband's issues with cat are real, so it may not be fair on the cat or husband to force them in a situation.

I feel best idea would be for you to volunteer. If you and your kids get emotionally attached with a cat, your husband will come around voluntarily too.

 

[artiemom]

The other thought is: Could you Foster, with the option of adopting, if things work out?

 

[tinydestroyer]

I wonder if anyone has ever lived with cats before, Not liked them, and then met one special cat who they adored...

Ultimately, I am hoping and praying for the best outcome for everyone. I don't want to bring a cat home and cause my husband additional stress, which will then stress our marriage. I hope he falls in love with this special kitty. And I want this beautiful cat to have the best home possible, even if it's not ours.

You know, my husband always had a vague dislike of cats before we got one. I guess even I wouldn't have considered myself a "cat person," either. And I certainly wouldn't have thought our 80lb dog was a cat person. That all changed when we found our helpless baby kitten under the house a year ago. Now, we have two cats who we all adore!

But neither of us had cats of our own before (only lived with roommates or relatives cats,) and so we didn't have a lot of experience with the good parts of owning a cat. We only saw cat hair on our clothes, shredded furniture, litter smell, etc and a ghost of a furry animal every once in a while who wanted nothing to do with us. That's what we thought cats were, without taking into account all the different personalities cats have. It probably didn't help that my former experience with them in particular was a college roommate who didn't probably provide the best care in terms of behavior modification, litter box cleaning, and making sure the cat felt safe.

Now, I'm not saying every situation is like ours. We were in a unique position in that we found both our cats, both in need of our help at the time, so we didn't go through the process of trying to pick out a new cat (because that idea had never even crossed either of our minds.) But I certainly believe that once someone experiences a true connection with a cat - purring, cuddling, the endless entertainment of watching them play - that the other stuff like scratching (which even the best cats do to a degree,) is pretty easy to overlook. Maybe, for your husband, seeing the happiness that the cat brings your kids and you will be a good enough connection for him to overlook that stuff. Maybe he'll have to forge his own friendship with the new pet. Whatever the case, its best for everyone involved to be honest about what they expect, and what they're willing to accept. I do think it's possible for your husband to eventually like the cat, though, if he's open to thinking of the cat as it's own animal, with its own personality.

As a side note: I never see this among "dog people." It's very common for people to like their own dog, but not other people's dogs, or other breeds / sizes of dogs. Hopefully, this cat will be the right fit for your family, or you'll be able to find one. If not, your volunteering idea sounds like a great compromise.

 

[danteshuman]

I vote get a cat and ditch the husband just joking! Though seriously he sounds rather negative. All pets (and kids) take work and training.

I'm wondering what is at the heart of his complaints? Until you find the heart of the matter you can not resolve it.

My x-husband was jealous of how affectionate I am to pets with zero expectations!!! The cat eats, plays, poops and grooms. A spouse you expect so much more from them, and give them so much more. Turns out my x-husband was immature and wanted to be mommied. His issues with my cat were martial issues not cat issues.

So imo I think you should of course eventually get a cat BUT first work out things with your husband. There are many things you can do to increase the likehood of a well behaved cat. However having a cat that your spouse resents and is a total jerk to isn't fair to your marriage or the cat.

 

[talkingpeanut]

I would not bring in any animal if they are to be judged this harshly. If your husband can agree that you are adopting for life, then I would reconsider. It’s not fair for you, your kids, or the cat to be walking on eggshells all the time waiting for your husband to send him back.

 

[rubysmama]

I wonder if anyone has ever lived with cats before, Not liked them, and then met one special cat who they adored...

I've seen posts before of people who didn't like cats, or didn't *think* they liked cats, who did find the perfect one and suddenly found themselves being a cat person.

However, I don't recall reading of anyone who didn't like cats, and had lived with cats for a while and still didn't like them, then met the perfect cat. Not to say it can't happen, but with your husband's feelings about cats, I'm not sure it's a good idea to adopt another one.

Because no matter how much you love the cat, and no matter how well behaved the cat is, they will still on occasion "scratch furniture, jump on tables and countertops, shed, meow for food, etc.", or at the very least shed and meow for food.

I realize your husband wants to make you happy, and I totally get how much you want a cat in your life, but if your husband really "wants it gone" if it does any of the things he doesn't like about cats, it just doesn't seem fair to bring a cat into your home that will almost certainly end up back at the shelter.

 

[Sunny23]

You are all wonderful! Thank you so much for your terrific advice!

I agree that we need to be clear about expectations, and that those expectations should be reasonable. Right now, his are not. I can't turn this cat into a dog, and I'm already feeling anxious about any behavior missteps, and I haven't even met the cat yet or brought it home. I want to give this cat a forever home, not one until it "messes up" enough that my husband is packing its bags.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about all this. If he truly has a zero tolerance policy towards unsavory behavior, then, it looks like we'll be a cat free home, and I'll find other avenues for having a cat in my life.

artiemom suggested fostering to adopt. What does everyone else think about this? Worth a try, but only if he loosens up on what he will tolerate? I'm not sure if fostering to adopt is an option for the cat that I'm interested in, but I could ask.

Thanks, again!!

 

[ArtNJ]

I mostly agree with everyone else. Only thing to add is that if the cat you are considering is used to having his nails cut, you could consider nail caps if you can't stop furniture scratching. Nail caps are kind of a PITA, but they do solve the problem. Preventing jumping on countertops is HARD or even impossible with some cats so if that is really the standard, its a no go.

 

[talkingpeanut]

You are all wonderful! Thank you so much for your terrific advice!

I agree that we need to be clear about expectations, and that those expectations should be reasonable. Right now, his are not. I can't turn this cat into a dog, and I'm already feeling anxious about any behavior missteps, and I haven't even met the cat yet or brought it home. I want to give this cat a forever home, not one until it "messes up" enough that my husband is packing its bags.

I'm going to talk to him tonight about all this. If he truly has a zero tolerance policy towards unsavory behavior, then, it looks like we'll be a cat free home, and I'll find other avenues for having a cat in my life.

artiemom suggested fostering to adopt. What does everyone else think about this? Worth a try, but only if he loosens up on what he will tolerate? I'm not sure if fostering to adopt is an option for the cat that I'm interested in, but I could ask.

Thanks, again!!

I think this is exactly right. Fostering to adopt doesn’t change the issue if your husband is ready to get rid of the cat as soon as something happens.

Also, to your point of unsavory behavior, we seem to be talking about normal cat behavior in this thread. If your husband can’t redefine problematic behavior, that’s a problem too. I wouldn’t use claw caps or anything that modifies the cat’s behavior because he needs to accept cats as cats.

 

[Sunny23]

A ArtNJ , great point! I did ask about trimming nails. They said that the cat does not like it, and they have to do one nail at a time. So, that's something I'd need to work on. But, I think that trimming the nails, while lessening any damage from scratching, won't completely prevent damage, correct?

I do remember trying nail caps on the cats that we had previously, and I'd find the caps all over the house (perhaps I wasn't putting them on correctly). I also thought that caps were only supposed to be a temporary thing while the cat is learning where it's okay to scratch. But, if having nail caps means that we could have a happy home with a feline friend, it's definitely something to consider. Hopefully they won't annoy the cat too much!

 

[Etarre]

I agree overall with those who are saying that it's unfair to adopt a cat if your husband has unrealistic expectations for that cat. I do think it's possible for the right cat to change someone's mind about cats.

I grew up with a mean cat, and was always a bit intimidated by cats. I loved my dog more than anything growing up, and considered myself a dog person. Then, when I moved to New York, I clearly didn't have the space or time for a dog, so I hoped for the best and adopted a cat. She was an amazing cat, and also converted my now-husband into a cat person. Although at first they had a funny kind of standoff and competed a bit for my attention, they really forged their own relationship and he grew to love her deeply and was gutted when she died recently.

We adopted Juniper earlier than he would have liked, but she's slowly and surely charmed him, too. All this from a guy who didn't grow up with pets, and really doesn't consider himself an animal lover.

 

[Sunny23]

I think this is exactly right. Fostering to adopt doesn’t change the issue if your husband is ready to get rid of the cat as soon as something happens.

Also, to your point of unsavory behavior, we seem to be talking about normal cat behavior in this thread. If your husband can’t redefine problematic behavior, that’s a problem too. I wouldn’t use claw caps or anything that modifies the cat’s behavior because he needs to accept cats as cats.

Great points, again, talkingpeanut . I am just going to have to have a serious discussion with him tonight about realistic expectations about normal cat behavior. Even if I can somehow turn myself into a master cat trainer, the cat will never behave "perfectly" all of the time. Either he loosens up, or, we don't adopt or foster. And even though the thought of never having a cat again makes me very sad (yes, I've shed some tears thinking about it), it's the right thing to do for the cat, and our family.

 

[ArtNJ]

Trimming nails definitely doesn't stop furniture damage, and nail caps are definitely a PITA, with coming off too soon being a frequent issue. Some do have success and use them long term but not many I think. Its something that can be tried, not a guaranty.

My guess is that a home-born/raised and properly handled kitten would have a better chance of penetrating your husband's defenses, but may also annoy him more, and there is no guaranty either way.