I really value and respect the advice you guys give me, so I should have asked you this BEFORE I sent it....
I am going to worry about this all night now....
Here's the story (quick version)....
I had a best friend (Stacy) and she and I were best friends for about 4 years. Very very close.
Then 6 months after my dad died, we had a huge fight....HUGE!!!!
She sent me a very hurtful e-mail, saying things like I needed to start dealing with my father's death, and get a grip on reality, and seek professional (sp?) help if that's what it took, etc. etc.
She really hurt me...and at that point in my life, I couldn't handle it....so I sent an e-mail right back to her saying alot of hurtful things right back to her.
It of course was the end of our friendship.
I don't for one second think it was all my fault. I think she was cruel, inconsiderate and hurtful...she has never lost a parent, let alone two, and had NO idea what I was going through at the time.
But....it has bothered me for the past two years since the fight that we no longer speak....we work together, which makes it even worse....she is a very unforgiving person, and I had no intentions of apologizing for something I feel is not intirely my fault.
So for the past 2 years, we have worked together, never spoken, and basically "hated" each other.
Tonight...I decided to just try to make things a little bit better....even if it meant saying I was sorry, even though I still think she should be apologizing as well!!!!
She has since this fight, replaced me with a new best friend (who works with us also) and that is fine...I did not write this letter to gain back her friendship or affection, only to try to make some peace......
I sucked it up and kind of made it sound like it was all my fault, even though I don't believe it was...just to try to make things better. Granted, I DID make mistakes, and I DID say things I should not have in the heat of the moment...but so did SHE!!!!!
Anyway....I do miss things about her....and I do regret things I said (but I only said because she said things that hurt me, at the time)....
This is very personal, but I am sharing it with you because you all are like my best friends now.
I don't expect this letter I wrote her to change a thing between us....but the whole fight has been eating away at me for the past 2 years, but I just could not bring myself to apologize. (since I felt she had just as much to apologize for, and I know she never will)
Also...to explain what I mean in the letter, about "buying her friendship" because I couldn't do other things...what I mean, and she knows I'm sure what I meant, but since you all don't, I want to explain....
She is very talented...she can make things....beautiful things...like she has made shelves for me, and she even made our picnic table....she has a talent with wood...and is very good!!!! So she was always making things for me. But I never asked her to do it for free...she either did it as a gift, (like for my birthdays or christmas, ect) or else I paid her....but anyway...since I felt I could not do things like that for her (because of lack of the talent) I would buy her things instead....she was really into softball stuff...so I bought her things that had to do with that.....
I know I am rambling here...but this is the first time I have ever spilled my guts to you guys about this, and it is VERY important to me.
Anyway....after 2 years of silence....we walk past each other at work and don't even look at each other, let alone speak...I finally got up the courage to apologize. I don't think I am any more at fault than she is, but I still felt the need to apologize.
It's not because I want the friendship back...it is too little too late, and there is too much water underf the bridge for that....it is because I felt it was unsolved, and it has been bothering me alot lately!!!!
I just hope SHE doesn't think I am doing this because I think we will be friends again, because I don't..I know she has a new best friend, that is fine, I don't even care if she even acknowledges this e-mail I sent, but I still felt the need to send it...even though I made it sound like it was all my fault, and it wasn't!!!!!! I just wanted some closure.....some peace!!!!!
I should have posted the e-mail before I sent it and asked your opinion on if I should send it.....but I didn't...I just wrote it and sent it...now I am feeling very vulnerable ....tell me honestly what you think.....please be blunt....tell me if it sounds like I am saying I am to blame, or if I am kissing too much butt, or of I am acting like I want her to be my friend again, (which I don't) or ANY thoughts you have about this!!!!
I am sort of regreting sending it....I think I may have sounded like a fool....
Okay....so here is an exact copy of what I just sent....
Stacy,
I don't expect you to reply to this e-mail...I don't even know for sure if you will get it...I'm not sure if you have the same e-mail anymore.... but I really need to say this....
I also don't expect it to change anything between us...there has been too much time gone by, almost two years,,,(March 7th to be exact) since our big fight, and the end of our friendship....and we both have gone through so many changes in our lives, and what we had is just in the past, I know... and you seem very happy, which I am glad....(and I mean that)....but I still have something I want to say....regardless of the fact that it will change nothing.... I am sorry. I truley am. I never meant to hurt you. I made some mistakes...big ones. I was so distraught over my father's death...and I am not trying to use that as an excuse, but I really did fall apart over it. I wasn't myself at all. The doctor that had put me on prozac for my depression before dad died, upped it to levels after he died that I now know were insanely too high. I did not know this at the time. I will never take another anti-depressant as long as i live...it is mood altering, life altering, and doesn't let you think normally.
I am not trying to use this as an excuse.
I am responsible for my own actions. i know that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you were a good friend to me, and I appreciate very much that you were there for me when dad died....I didn't mean what i said in that e-mail, i only said it because I was hurt, by what you had said in your e-mail to me, and I lashed out before I had a chance to think.
I was on so much medication and it had only been 6 months since he had died.....I just wasn't myself at ALL!!!!!!
Like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I wish you would understand that I didn't mean to hurt you....I just was going through the worst time in my life, and on these mind-altering drugs.....but yet....I can't blame anyone but myself.
I should have tried to make things right with you right away.
But I stupidly thought our friendship was strong enough to withstand even that.
I even bought you things, after the big fight, because I thought someday soon it would be over, and I couldn't resist getting these things i knew you would love.
I was stupid.
I guess I must have thought I could buy your friendship.
But that's not how I looked at it. I looked at it that I couldn't do much for you...because I don't have the talent or the resources to, (like how you did things for me) so instead, I thought buying you things that I knew you would love, like softball related things, would make up for the things I couldn't do.
I will always cherish the good times we had....and we did have some good times!!!
You are a good person, Stacy....you deserve a good life. You were a good friend to me....I just got so overwhelmed with the bad things in my life at the time that I couldn't see anything else.
Makes no sense, I know.
I really honestly believed it when we stopped along the road that one day on the way home from creston, and I said....is there ever anything I could do that I would be sorry for later, that would ever stop you from being my best friend??? Because i don't want that to ever happen!!! And you said, no....nothing, ever.
I really thought someday, when we were old, we would be sitting in our rocking chairs on our porches drinking bud lights together, like we said we would.
Like I said, I know this won't change anything.....I don't expect it to....I don't even expect you to act like you even got this. But....I still had to say it. I think we were both somewhat at fault....I think we both could sit and point fingers, and point out things to each other that the other person did or said that we thought was pretty crappy at the time...and that hurt us...but...it is in the past...there is no way to ever fix it, it is just done.
But, I wanted to just apologize for the things I did and said that hurt you....I honestly didn't mean to..even though I did. I just wasn't myself then...but that is no excuse, I know.
Anyway....I have wanted to tell you I am sorry for awhile now....just didn't have the guts too I guess. I hope you don't hate me, Stacy. Please don't hate me.
I wish you all the luck in life, and I hope you get everything you want out of life. I still care about you, and I am sorry I hurt you.
Debby
I am going to worry about this all night now....
Here's the story (quick version)....
I had a best friend (Stacy) and she and I were best friends for about 4 years. Very very close.
Then 6 months after my dad died, we had a huge fight....HUGE!!!!
She sent me a very hurtful e-mail, saying things like I needed to start dealing with my father's death, and get a grip on reality, and seek professional (sp?) help if that's what it took, etc. etc.
She really hurt me...and at that point in my life, I couldn't handle it....so I sent an e-mail right back to her saying alot of hurtful things right back to her.
It of course was the end of our friendship.
I don't for one second think it was all my fault. I think she was cruel, inconsiderate and hurtful...she has never lost a parent, let alone two, and had NO idea what I was going through at the time.
But....it has bothered me for the past two years since the fight that we no longer speak....we work together, which makes it even worse....she is a very unforgiving person, and I had no intentions of apologizing for something I feel is not intirely my fault.
So for the past 2 years, we have worked together, never spoken, and basically "hated" each other.
Tonight...I decided to just try to make things a little bit better....even if it meant saying I was sorry, even though I still think she should be apologizing as well!!!!
She has since this fight, replaced me with a new best friend (who works with us also) and that is fine...I did not write this letter to gain back her friendship or affection, only to try to make some peace......
I sucked it up and kind of made it sound like it was all my fault, even though I don't believe it was...just to try to make things better. Granted, I DID make mistakes, and I DID say things I should not have in the heat of the moment...but so did SHE!!!!!
Anyway....I do miss things about her....and I do regret things I said (but I only said because she said things that hurt me, at the time)....
This is very personal, but I am sharing it with you because you all are like my best friends now.
I don't expect this letter I wrote her to change a thing between us....but the whole fight has been eating away at me for the past 2 years, but I just could not bring myself to apologize. (since I felt she had just as much to apologize for, and I know she never will)
Also...to explain what I mean in the letter, about "buying her friendship" because I couldn't do other things...what I mean, and she knows I'm sure what I meant, but since you all don't, I want to explain....
She is very talented...she can make things....beautiful things...like she has made shelves for me, and she even made our picnic table....she has a talent with wood...and is very good!!!! So she was always making things for me. But I never asked her to do it for free...she either did it as a gift, (like for my birthdays or christmas, ect) or else I paid her....but anyway...since I felt I could not do things like that for her (because of lack of the talent) I would buy her things instead....she was really into softball stuff...so I bought her things that had to do with that.....
I know I am rambling here...but this is the first time I have ever spilled my guts to you guys about this, and it is VERY important to me.
Anyway....after 2 years of silence....we walk past each other at work and don't even look at each other, let alone speak...I finally got up the courage to apologize. I don't think I am any more at fault than she is, but I still felt the need to apologize.
It's not because I want the friendship back...it is too little too late, and there is too much water underf the bridge for that....it is because I felt it was unsolved, and it has been bothering me alot lately!!!!
I just hope SHE doesn't think I am doing this because I think we will be friends again, because I don't..I know she has a new best friend, that is fine, I don't even care if she even acknowledges this e-mail I sent, but I still felt the need to send it...even though I made it sound like it was all my fault, and it wasn't!!!!!! I just wanted some closure.....some peace!!!!!
I should have posted the e-mail before I sent it and asked your opinion on if I should send it.....but I didn't...I just wrote it and sent it...now I am feeling very vulnerable ....tell me honestly what you think.....please be blunt....tell me if it sounds like I am saying I am to blame, or if I am kissing too much butt, or of I am acting like I want her to be my friend again, (which I don't) or ANY thoughts you have about this!!!!
I am sort of regreting sending it....I think I may have sounded like a fool....
Okay....so here is an exact copy of what I just sent....
Stacy,
I don't expect you to reply to this e-mail...I don't even know for sure if you will get it...I'm not sure if you have the same e-mail anymore.... but I really need to say this....
I also don't expect it to change anything between us...there has been too much time gone by, almost two years,,,(March 7th to be exact) since our big fight, and the end of our friendship....and we both have gone through so many changes in our lives, and what we had is just in the past, I know... and you seem very happy, which I am glad....(and I mean that)....but I still have something I want to say....regardless of the fact that it will change nothing.... I am sorry. I truley am. I never meant to hurt you. I made some mistakes...big ones. I was so distraught over my father's death...and I am not trying to use that as an excuse, but I really did fall apart over it. I wasn't myself at all. The doctor that had put me on prozac for my depression before dad died, upped it to levels after he died that I now know were insanely too high. I did not know this at the time. I will never take another anti-depressant as long as i live...it is mood altering, life altering, and doesn't let you think normally.
I am not trying to use this as an excuse.
I am responsible for my own actions. i know that.
I guess what I am trying to say is that you were a good friend to me, and I appreciate very much that you were there for me when dad died....I didn't mean what i said in that e-mail, i only said it because I was hurt, by what you had said in your e-mail to me, and I lashed out before I had a chance to think.
I was on so much medication and it had only been 6 months since he had died.....I just wasn't myself at ALL!!!!!!
Like I said, I'm not trying to make excuses, but I wish you would understand that I didn't mean to hurt you....I just was going through the worst time in my life, and on these mind-altering drugs.....but yet....I can't blame anyone but myself.
I should have tried to make things right with you right away.
But I stupidly thought our friendship was strong enough to withstand even that.
I even bought you things, after the big fight, because I thought someday soon it would be over, and I couldn't resist getting these things i knew you would love.
I was stupid.
I guess I must have thought I could buy your friendship.
But that's not how I looked at it. I looked at it that I couldn't do much for you...because I don't have the talent or the resources to, (like how you did things for me) so instead, I thought buying you things that I knew you would love, like softball related things, would make up for the things I couldn't do.
I will always cherish the good times we had....and we did have some good times!!!
You are a good person, Stacy....you deserve a good life. You were a good friend to me....I just got so overwhelmed with the bad things in my life at the time that I couldn't see anything else.
Makes no sense, I know.
I really honestly believed it when we stopped along the road that one day on the way home from creston, and I said....is there ever anything I could do that I would be sorry for later, that would ever stop you from being my best friend??? Because i don't want that to ever happen!!! And you said, no....nothing, ever.
I really thought someday, when we were old, we would be sitting in our rocking chairs on our porches drinking bud lights together, like we said we would.
Like I said, I know this won't change anything.....I don't expect it to....I don't even expect you to act like you even got this. But....I still had to say it. I think we were both somewhat at fault....I think we both could sit and point fingers, and point out things to each other that the other person did or said that we thought was pretty crappy at the time...and that hurt us...but...it is in the past...there is no way to ever fix it, it is just done.
But, I wanted to just apologize for the things I did and said that hurt you....I honestly didn't mean to..even though I did. I just wasn't myself then...but that is no excuse, I know.
Anyway....I have wanted to tell you I am sorry for awhile now....just didn't have the guts too I guess. I hope you don't hate me, Stacy. Please don't hate me.
I wish you all the luck in life, and I hope you get everything you want out of life. I still care about you, and I am sorry I hurt you.
Debby