Rip My Baby

[Katz124]

I know nobody will know the answers but I just need to vent. Warning, this is long, and really sad.

One day my dad fed this neighborhood outdoor cat. I had seen this cat walking around the neighborhood on a rare occasion for probably almost a year and never interacted with her. Then after my dad fed her, she kinda started hanging around our house of course. And I started petting her and being friendly. At first she was hesitant but she warmed up to me pretty quick. Slowly but surely, she basically ended up becoming our cat. I fed her, gave her water, and played with her a little almost every day.

We never let her inside because we have a senior cat who has been like an "only child" her whole life and I was worried she wouldn't take too kindly to this new, younger cat, or maybe feel like she was being replaced. And I didn't think our cat deserved that at this point. We kinda introduced them but it didn't go so well. Plus this outdoor cat seemed to be doing fine outside since before I met her.

So this new cat and I fell in love and we were best friends. We had her for about a year and half. But one day, we hadn't seen her all day till finally late at night, she was under our car in our garage. She wouldn't come out for food and I think her back leg looked like it could've been a bit out of wack. She was laying on her side but one back leg was kinda sticking up. I was hoping nothing was wrong because she almost would have her leg like that when she would lay on her back normally. But I was afraid she was run over. I didn't know what to do. I was gonna try to pick her up but I had never really picked her up before, but I remember one time I tried to and she jumped down as fast as she could. Anyway she was sitting under the car where I couldn't hardly get to her. When I reached toward her back she started growling at me, which she had never done before. When I put my hand near her face though, she licked it, which was a good sign I thought.

Anyway, I went inside for ten minutes. When I came back out, she was gone. I don't know where she went. I ended up going to sleep. The next day I could still not find her. I feel like I kinda gave up on her. I didn't think her leg looked that bad so I thought maybe she was poisoned or got rabies or I don't know. I ended up going out of town that night. I really wish I wouldn't have, it was such a stupid decision. I came back the next morning and my dad had called animal control and told them a stray looked like it had been ran over. They had just came and got her. He said she was in the garage crying in pain and couldn't walk on her back leg.

I called animal control later that day but they said the volunteer vet hadn't been in that day. So I called back the next day, same thing, the vet hadn't been in. I was losing my mind, I drove down there the next day, but because I told them it was an outdoor neighborhood cat, they were very little help to me. I guess I should've told them it was my cat. All they told me was she was pretty banged up, or however they put it, and they were probably just going to put her out of her misery.

"Pretty banged up." What does that mean? That tells me nothing. I have no idea what her injuries were, how bad they were, nothing. They said she was a feral and she was really mean with them and they could barely get their hands on her. It broke my heart when they referred to my best friend as just a feral. And if they couldn't get their hands on her, how'd they kill her? I'm sure she was mean to them, that's why I was coming down there to try to get her out of there. She was hurt, in a strange place with strangers, she was just acting naturally. Duh, she wasn't going to be friendly in that situation.

Anyway, I feel like I could've done so much more to help her and save her. I feel like maybe they killed her more because of her behavioral issues than her injuries, possibly. Even though she was perfect with me and never showed any signs of aggression ever. I wish I would've taken her to the vet as soon as I met her and put a litter box in my room and on the screened back porch and let her stay in my room and/or back porch. I wish I would've gotten her to the vet as soon as I realized she was injured. I wish I would've never left out of town that one night! I wish I would've went to animal control sooner once they got her. I feel like I could've done several things along the way better. But I know I'm never having an outdoor cat again. She always seemed fine and happy out there though, even long before I met her. I called her the queen of the jungle cause she was.

She was the perfect cat. Beautiful inside and out. Heart of gold. So sweet and loving. Pretty as can be. I'll be lucky if I ever meet anybody half as amazing as her ever again. She didn't deserve this ending. She didn't deserve to die so young. I'm guessing she was 4 or 5 years old but I don't know for sure. She should still be here. It feels so surreal that she's actually dead and never coming back. She just wanted to come inside and/or be with me. She was like my adopted child. She would follow me or my dad anywhere. She loved me and I loved her and I just feel like I let her down and completely failed her. It was like there was a human in there. She was like my soulmate. I feel like I killed an angel.

I don't even know where she came from, what happened to her, how she got hurt, how injured she was. I don't know anything. I feel like she probably could've been saved. I think maybe she just had a broken leg or something and could've been saved if I just got her to the vet somehow. This has been the worst experience of my life. But I can deal with that. The part that hurts me the most is that she had to lose her life. And in such a horrible way. She did nothing to deserve that and it was so unfair to her. She was so happy and loved life so much, she didn't deserve to have her life just taken from her like that.

Thanks for reading. I just had to get it all out.

 

[Furballsmom]

Hello, I'm so glad you came here.

I read your entire post, and I am so, so sorry that this happened to you and to her.

RIP sweetheart, your struggles and pain are over, you are now in a place of joy and peace.

Maybe this will help -
Grieving

 

[les26]

This is horrible, you tried and did the best that you could but unfortunately a lot of places have very little if no patience with cats that they deem feral and "wild" and most times they do get put down. You are going through the stages of grief now and one of the first ones is "I should have done this..." or "why didn't I see this coming and do something differently?" and that is normal, but for some reason it was just not meant to be. But she knew love thanks to you, and she is fine now no more hurt leg just fine, and you will see her again someday and it will be wonderful.

"Their last breath on Earth is their first breath in Heaven"

I am so sorry that this tragic thing happened, I hope your heart heals a bit more each day, God Bless.......

 

[di and bob]

Of course you feel this way, and you always will. It is called grieving. It is not something you 'get over', it is something you learn to live with. The one thing you do have to cling to is that it was not your fault, you would do nothing to bring harm to that little girl. She was hurt badly and in pain. You couldn't let her suffer, it most likely would have cost thousands to try to right what was done to her, and the guarantee of success was just not there. The kindest thing to do was to stop the suffering.
Of course it wasn't fair, I will never know why bad things have to happen, why tragic things like this become a part of our lives and we are left to go on with the consequences. It is causing you such pain because you loved her, you cared for her, and all you ever wanted was for her to live a long happy life. As she wants for you right now because she loves you too. That precious little girl will always be a part of your thoughts and prayers, she is a part of your soul now, bound there by the bonds of love. You have a loving heart and she now resides there, living on through you and your memories for eternity. Send her thoughts of love and joy for having known her, not tears and the darkness that comes from grief. You gave her what she wanted the most in the world, a home to call her own and your love. She is at peace. Do not let her death become more important than her life, because you cannot let death win. It will take over your own life if you let it. You have to gather your strength from the love you have for her in your heart and purposely fight against the what ifs, and should haves that will consume your soul. And know in your heart she would want you to remember the goodness you shared, not the pain.
Just take one day at a time right now, surround yourselves with those who understand your grief. My thoughts and prayers go out to you, i'll pray for her little soul, and for you to find peace in your heart. It takes time to heal a broken heart, to distance yourself from the hurt, lots of time.....
RIP sweet little girl. You will never be forgotten, you will forever have a secure place in a loving heart. May the good Lord bless and keep you, until you meet again. Goodnight, sleep tight, little angel!

 

[Katz124]

Wow. Thank you so much for your replies. I cried sooo much reading them but you all make some good points. One day I feel like I'm getting better, the next I feel horrible again. I thought I'd be getting over it by now but I'm not even close and I guess I never will be. It's hard to even walk outside sometimes and not have her there to greet me. Sometimes I'll be away from home not even thinking about her but I'll see another majestic animal full of life and it reminds me of her. But thank you so much for the support. You all have helped me. Thank you.

 

[di and bob]

It's like the ocean, sometimes the water is calm and beautiful, the waves small and easy to handle. Then WHAM, here comes a tsunami flood of memories and tears. It's so very hard not to dwell on the bad and the grief, but we will all have both in our lives if we allow ourselves to open our hearts. But what would life be, if not for love?! The rewards far outweigh the pain if we let them......

 

[missy&spikesmom]

I am so, so sorry this all happened and evolved the way it did. You got some wonderful posts/answers to your thoughts and I so agree with them all! I will add along with them, the ONLY thing you wanted and tried to give this wonderful kitty, was a sense that she was truly loved. And.....when we all leave this world, person, or animal, the only thing we take with us, is that love. She knows now......she absolutely knows you did love her and truly cared for her, and this is what she took with her. One day, you will joyfully meet again and you both will be beyond happy to see each other again. Wishing you so much comfort in your sadness.....

 

[Mamanyt1953]

Rest you gentle, Sweet Spirit, dream you deep. You walk in someone's heart forever.

Those questions, the grief, the "what ifs" are part of our humanity. That said, you gave that girl your heart, as she gave you hers. And you gave her home and comfort, if not inside, then as best as you were able! We cannot, canNOT, give more than our best.

Now, from a lot of experience with shelters, I can tell you that "pretty banged up" generally means severe internal injuries. I've rarely known a shelter that wouldn't go to the extent of amputating a badly damaged limb, if the animal could recover from that and have a good quality of life. There may be a few exceptions to that, but not many. So...they were telling you that she could not recover.

YOU did not kill her. YOU DID NOT KILL HER. Someone with a car killed her. And it would probably have happened even had you been there. You could not have sat outside and watched her every moment...and if you could have, you could not have stopped her from going in the road at the wrong moment. Take that thought off of the table. You would have had to bring her indoors...and you could not do that for good reasons.

This I will tell you. You loved her, and she loved you. Love does not die, it only changes form and continues on, still Love. Love abides, and your girl is with you always.